1. Self Care

2. Being a Loving Person

3. Setting Boundaries

4. Getting Support

Yesterday we talked all about self care, and I’m hopeful that in the past 24 hours you’ve taken a bubble bath or done something else that has nurtured your body and soul.

Today’s topic of being a loving person is other centered, but in a very different way than most co-addicts are used to.

For many who love addicts and alcoholics, being a loving person has meant caretaking, enabling, hovering, bossing around, dominating, or allowing one’s self to be dominated. And it’s all been done, in the name of love, though often the supposedly loving actions are done with a tremendous amount of resentment and distaste. After all, who wouldn’t get sick and tired of taking care of things that grown adults should be able to take care of themselves? Who wouldn’t resent all of the disappointments and let downs that go with the territory of being in relationship with a using addict or alcoholic?

But, actually, being a loving person, as a co-addict or co-alcoholic in recovery, has very little if anything to do with caretaking. In fact, it is more about a state of being than it is about a state of doing. As the Naranon Little Blue Book states,

” Your role as helper is not to DO Things for the person you are helping, but to BE things, not to try to train and change his/her actions, but to train and change your reactions. As you change your negatives to positives — fear to faith; contempt for what he does to respect for the potential within him/her; rejection to release with love, not trying to make him/her fit a standard or image, or expecting him to measure up to or down from that standard, but giving him an opportunity to become himself/herself, to develop the best within him/her, regardless of what that best may be; dominance to encouragement, panic to serenity; false-hope, self-centered, to real hope, God-centered; the rebellion of despair to the energy of personal revolution; driving to guidance; and self-justification to self-understanding — as you change in such ways as these, you change the world about you and all the people in your world for the better. ” (from the Nar-anon Blue Book)

These words describe what it means to be a loving person. A person in recovery from co-addiction knows that their only obligation to any adult (using or not) is to be a loving person. This means to treat the addict with respect, understanding and hope. What this looks like in a family affected by addiction is that the people in recovery in the family stop yelling at and berating the addict, stop blaming all of their problems on the fact that he/she is using, stop glaring and fearing the addict and start praying for his/her well-being, treating him like a person with feelings and failures and successes, just like everyone else.

This can be hard to do when the addict’s behavior sometimes gets so destructive. So how does it work? First of all, it is almost impossible to do alone! That’s why so many 12 step groups for families have sprung up all around the world. Alanon (www.alanon.org) and Naranon (www.nar-anon.org)  can be found almost everywhere in the world now. Check your phone book, your Internet, your local church. Chances are, you will be able to find a meeting. Alanon has phone meetings now around the clock. You can find these at www.alanonphonemeetings.org . Naranon has an online forum, where members from around the world share their experience, strength, and hope with others affected by the family disease of addiction. And of course, there are the Naranon and Alanon family groups on www.intherooms.com .There is really no excuse not to get help. But we will talk more about this when we get to the fourth foundation of family recovery: Get support.

In the meantime, to be a loving person, think of the way you would like to be treated: with dignity and respect. Don’t do for the addict what he or she can or should be able to do for themselves. That’s enabling, not being loving. Being loving is respecting their inner ability to grow and seeing all the good about them that has nothing to do with their using. See them as they truly are: Spiritual beings in physical bodies growing and learning in the schoolyard of Planet Earth.

When we are willing to look beyond behaviors and see the spirit underneath, we can let go of resentments and expectatons and live in the moment with our loved ones. Instead of wishing they were different than they are, we can enjoy the gifts they bring to each moment…their sense of humor, their beautiful smile, the way they bring a different perspective to a conversation. There is much more to your loved one than their addiction. Being a loving person means taking a three dimensional view of those in our families who are addicted and enjoying the positive aspects they bring into our lives. They are still the same people we once loved. By letting go of any bad memories or  future worries that have been clouding our glasses, we can enjoy, appreciate, and love them for who they are  in the moment today.

If you have any questions or comments, or would like to schedule a complimentary family recovery coachg session, go to the link Contact Us and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible!

All the best!

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher, MA, CEC

Family Recovery Coach

www.theempowermentcoach.net

www.12stepfamily.com

www.familyrecoverycoach.org

www.theintherooms.com

1. self care

2. be a loving person

3. set boundaries that work for you

4. get some support.

Today, we will look at number 1, Take care of yourself.

To review what we said yesterday:  ”Take care of yourself. That’s right, yourself. Chances are you have been neglecting yourself a bit as you’ve braved the world of attempting to fix your addict. Now that you see that what you are doing isn’t working, change your focus. Take a bubble bath. Brush your teeth. Comb your hair. Take a walk. Call a friend and go to the park. Get to bed early. Enjoy a good book. Go to a movie you have been wanting to see. Go to the dentist. Get your yearly physical. Get new eyeglasses. In other words do whatever it is that you have been neglecting.”

At first glance, all of these may seem so simple, so basic. But as anyone who has been dealing with a loved one’s addiction knows, these basics can sometimes seem like luxuries when someone you love has turned their and your world upside down.

How can taking a bubble bath equal checking emails or monitering phone calls?

How can taking a walk even happen when we have to be on watch 24/7?

How can brushing your teeth even come close to being important when you are spending all of your waking moments searching for hidden bottles or pills? Well, I’m here to tell you that not only is self-care more important than all of these addict-centered activities, but, in order for you to recover and for you to have as positive an impact on your addict’s potential recovery as possible, self care is essential and all of the monitering and sneaking around activities need to be severely reduced and even eliminated.

Sounds counter-intuitive doesn’t it? That we can have a greater impact on an addict by minding OUR lives, doing what is best for ourselves, and leaving them to their own devices…But it is true.

There is a time and a place for everything though. It’s not that we ignore them completely. It’s that we keep the focus on ourselves (as they say in Naranon and Alanon) in order to become more sane and able to think clearly. Once we are doing so, there will be plenty of time to come up with healthy boundaries (foundation #3). But for now, relax and take your focus off of the addict’s dealings and take a good look at yourself.:

Are you unkempt? not sleeping soundly? worried sick (literally) and therefore neglecting your basic health and appearance? Are you not paying the bills? not eating healthfully? underearning because you spend your working hours taking care of the addict instead of earning the money you need to support yourself?

Take a good look at yourself. You as a co-addict are as sick or sicker than your loved one. It’s time to be honest with yourself. Stop keeping yourself glued to their comings and goings and start paying some attention to your own! You are worth it!

Anyway, the more you hover, the less they will take responsibility for themselves. The more you serve as an example of sane and balanced living, the more they will want what you have. And it all starts with self-care. So my friend, turn off this computer and go take a bubble bath, eat a good meal or put on a clean set of clothes. And relax, there’s more good information to come to help you find your way through the maze of family recovery.

And by the way, if you have young children, take a good look at them. Are they being neglected because mom or dad is so busy trying to get dad or mom to stop drinking and drugging? They are the ones who REALLY need you. Be an example of good self care for your children and while you are at it, help them get their jammies on and get into bed early…they need their sleep and they need to be well kempt and well fed.. now there is a good use of your energy.

Of course, many households with addicts do take care of all the basics, so if this is not you, please don’t be insulted! Perhaps you’ve mastered the basics of self-care as it appears to the outside world and all you need to do is take that bubble bath or walk. Go for it! And I’ll look forward to talking to you soon about our second foundation of family recovery: Be a loving person.

So, stay tuned and see you soon! Until then, send your questions and comments to me by clicking on Contact Us in the box above.

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC

Family Recovery Coach

www.theempowermentcoach.net

http://12stepfamily.com

www.familyrecoverycoach.org

www.intherooms.com

bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net

Of course this list is just a beginning. Number four will help you keep up with numbers 1, 2 and 3. So, if you’re not sure where to start, get the support. You can find meeting locations (as well as online meetings and phone meetings) online at www.alanon.org and www.nar-aranon.org. As for finding a recovery coach, you can send me an email for a complimentary consult. If we are not the right fit for each other, I’ll help you find someone who is!

These topics of self care, being a loving person, setting boundaries, and getting support could each be blog posts within themselves. Read future blog posts for more on how to make them a part of your life! Together, they form the foundation of family recovery, which truly is the addict’s best chance of recovering! But more on that later.

Until then,

See you In The Rooms!
All the best,

Coach Bev
bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
www.12stepfamily.com
www.intherooms.com

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There are many people who are debating the fact that healthcare is actually being helped along by the fact that there are potential savings to be had from having all of these drug and alcohol rehab programs as well as drug and alcohol treatment centers. The article goes on to say the following:

A recent study by CASA, Columbia University’s National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse, found federal and state spending on health care for drug, alcohol, and tobacco abusers totaled more than $200 billion a year. A fraction of this money goes to treating addiction and promoting recovery, while the lion’s share is swallowed up by treatment of the many acute and life-threatening conditions caused by the disease. A federal study found 1 out of 14 hospital stays each year — which account for 2.3 million admissions — are directly related to drug or alcohol abuse alone. [source]

In essence, the theme that seems to be recurring in this article is the saying “Prevention is Better Than Cure.”  The same could be said of a lot of things in life.  For instance, obesity often leads to other health issues such as diabetes or heart failure- both of which are extremely costly.  In the meantime, if you watch what you eat by taking in small, frequent portion sizes and maintaining regular exercise, you prevent this from happening, saving yourself and countless others tons of money.  Why should drug and alcohol abuse be any different?

For more information about drug and alcohol rehab for women, contact The Mark Houston Recovery Center for Women today at 877.383.4426.

For more information about drug and alcohol recovery, or to learn more about our 30 day drug and alcohol rehab program, contact Mark Houston Recovery today!

For more information about drug and alcohol rehab for women, contact The Mark Houston Recovery Center for Women today at 877.383.4426.

The Women’s Health Council (WHC) claims that young women have almost caught up with their male peers when it comes to the frequency with which they consume alcoholic beverages.  Almost shockingly, young women are 44 percent more likely to binge drink compared to young men at 42 percent.  Not only this, but evidence is showing that consuming alcohol by binge drinking also tends to act as a sort of gateway into other illicit drug use such as cannabis and heroine.

So, why are women so much more vulnerable to the negative health effects of alcohol and drug abuse?  Why is it that these women seem that much more prone to developing a drug addiction than their male counterparts?  The WHC had this to say on the subject:

Women’s biological make-up is partly responsible, particularly their hormones and their proportionally higher ratio of fat to water than men. These affect how much and how quickly alcohol and drugs are absorbed..[source]

What Can be Done?

There is a saying that “prevention is better than cure,” and nowhere else is this more true than when it comes to drug and/or alcohol abuse.  Perhaps parents or other adult figures need to sit down with females at a young age.  Girls need to know that there is more than one way to handle stress other than by using drugs or alcohol.  There are people that they can talk to if they have a problem.  There are other creative outlets that they can go into and utilize.  It doesn’t always have to come back to a bottle of alcohol to “have a good time”.

For more information about drug and alcohol rehab for women, contact The Mark Houston Recovery Center for Women today at 877.383.4426.