This month, I was asked to be the Expert Blogger for addictionland.com. Here is a post I wrote about the difference finding your detailed life purpose can make in your recovery. To read more, click here.
Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post will is the first in a month-long series that will post on Developing Relationships with Others.
Recently I received this post from a reader:
Dear Bev, after being married to an alchoholic for 20 years, I got divorced, I met a wonderful man I was dating for almost 5 years. We only saw each other on the weekends. As we became closer it became clear he is also an alchoholic and partier & to top it off his 2 adult children are drug users. I am devistated. I feel duped and stupid. How did I miss the signs this time? – Feeling betrayed…
Dear Betrayed,
First of all, thank you so much for your note and question. Your willingness to put out there the exact dilemma that so many ex-spouses of alcoholics/addicts face will help many others better understand the seeming insanity of what has happened to you.
Many people who marry an active addict the first time around often find an equally dysfunctional person the second time around (and in some cases the 3rd, 4th, and 5th time as well…).
So, what is that about and what does this have to do with the 3rd Key to Sanity: Developing Loving Relationships with Others?
Everyday of our lives, we are bombarded with images of what the ideal mate looks like, talks like, acts like. We see, on television and in the movies, people with perfect bodies, perfect jobs, perfect smiles, and lots and lots of money and we see what they have as what we really want, but yet, the only place we see life playing out like that is on fictionalized shows and in movies. We may go to church, temple, mosque or synagogue and get a different perspective on what good and perfect mean and begin to develop ideals that compete with those of the media and culture around us.
Then, deep inside of us are the tapes we’ve been playing since our childhood of what we are worth, who we deserve, what we can get in life and what kind of life we will live. If our parents were dysfunctional in anyway and/or if they abused us emotionally or physically, we carry those tapes of being less than. If we were sexually abused by anyone, in our family or outside of our family, we carry those tapes of shame and unworthiness.
When we look for a mate initially, we carry all of these competing views of ourselves and others along for the search. Unless we have developed a very strong relationship with a Higher Power along with a very healthy, sense of self and a relationship with ourselves that consciously and subconsciously knows what is best for us and will accept nothing less than that, chances are, our choices may have been less than ideal. Then, once we have a marriage, we begin to think of ourselves in certain ways and to see our lives in certain ways based on what we experience in relation to our mate. And if that mate is an active alcoholic/addict, we may feel extremely isolated, confused, lonely, and afraid. How did this person who we loved so much turn into such a_________________ (you fill in the blank- monster, meanie,etc.)
So, there we are in a marriage with another person who at first appeared to be very much in sync with who/what we wanted in life, but now, as we look deeper, has lots of issues that we have no idea how to cope with. Being stuck like that, many of us put the dysfunctional coping mechanisms we learned at home into place. We cry, sulk, scream and yell to get them to behave better toward us. When these don’t work, we ignore, get bitter, put our interests and energy elsewhere, and, if we don’t have the means or guts to GET OUT, or if our religious beliefs encourage us to stick it out NO MATTER WHAT, we ENDURE.
Perhaps you can relate to that scenario. Your story may be quite different. If possible, find a piece of it that works for you and stay with me here.
So, after awhile, six months, six years, 12 years, 20 years, 35 years later, you change your mind. You are done enduring and decide to get the heck out of this unendurable marriage and start over. So you do. Maybe your spouse did the unspeakable: cheated on you, and that was your breaking point. Or maybe after the 16th time they cheated on you, you realized this was not going to get better and you left. Or maybe they left you for the other woman/man. Anyway, you get the picture. The marriage is OVER, done, finished.
You are out on your own, finally out from under the thumb of this person who “made you so miserable.”
Now what?
For many who find themselves in this position, it’s lonely! Even though the marriage was lonely, someone was at least THERE. There was a warm body on the other side of the bed or in the next room and not everything about the marriage was bad, etc., etc., …Of course, not everyone is that upset. The freedom can be intoxicating! the chance to meet others and have a good time is grand.
But now what?
All of the above is written to set the scenario for meeting partner #2. After whatever amount of time you have taken to ‘get over’ the last one, you begin to look for your next mate. Perhaps you hardly have to look at all and they find you…or perhaps you spend years looking. Either way, the hunt is on.
Finally, you meet. Certain that this time will be different, you find someone who is not an alcoholic, not an addict, not a…the list goes on. Or so you think. So you get together to live happily ever after. Sometimes the honeymoon lasts weeks, sometimes years. But eventually, it comes out: They may not be an alcoholic, but they may instead take pills or have a sex addiction or a gambling addiction. And there you are again in your own new version of the same Hell you endured the last time around…or maybe something even worse…
What went wrong?
The reason Key 3: Developing Relationships with Other People comes 3rd and not 1st, is that without good strong inner work on ourselves, our relationships with others will often come up short. What I’m saying here is that the relationships we have with others are much more about us than about them! and the kinds of people we choose to have in our lives are also much more about us than about them!
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that life with an alcoholic or addict is easy. I’m not saying that if you aren’t yet married and you find that your partner is deeply troubled (sex addict, drug addict, gambler, alcoholic, etc.) you shouldn’t run as fast and as far as you can.
What I am saying is that when you look at who you are involved with, who your friends are or aren’t (if you don’t have any), or who you choose to end up with as a partner, the most important person in the relationship vis-a-vis these choices can be found right in your own mirror.
So, what does this all mean?
As shared at the beginning of this post, all kinds of outside input from society, school, friends, and parents, contribute to how we see ourselves and what we think we are worthy of in life. When we really want the perfect mate, but on some level feel we aren’t worthy of him or her, the feelings will often win out. Getting our insides congruent with our outsides, our feelings congruent with our desires, is one piece of the puzzle of finding the right person. Jerry and Esther Hicks write about this in all of their books about the Law of Attraction.
Another key to becoming congruent on the level of feeling, is to do the deeper work of healing the sorrow of a less than perfect childhood and unhappy1st marriage. This can be approached through therapy, 12 step work, parts work, voice dialogue, and/or other emotional healing modalities.
Life choices happen on so many levels, many of which are below the surface of our conscious awareness. Once we are in a difficult situation, it can be much more difficult and complicated to get out of it than it was to get into it in the first place.
For those who are not yet involved in a first or second dysfunctional relationship, yet have a history of family dysfunction behind them, the best advice is to do the inner work first. I remember being given that advice and feeling too anxious to get my life moving toward the future, marriage, kids, etc… Maybe you remember that feeling too?
But wherever you are planted, it is never too late to begin the inner work of healing. The 12 Keys of Sanity which culminate in Key 12 “Being a Loving Mirror” provide a series of recovery principles designed to help you see yourself as the person you need to change in your life in order to make your life better! This may be a harsh pill to swallow, but it is true.
For some, these principles alone provide a good foundation. For others, the support of others is crucial…This can come in the form of a recovery coach to help you move in the direction of your dreams while looking honestly at what is going on in your present life that you may want/need to look at in order to get there!
For others, who have experienced severe trauma or distress, the help of a coach can be supplemented by that of a therapist.
Many find help in a group setting. There are Alanon and Naranon meetings all over the country and all over the world. Once you start going, get a sponsor and begin the 12 steps of recovery, where tremendous healing can be found. I work the steps daily and have found tremendous strength and healing in them. But for me and many others, more help was needed.
To add to your recovery by combining the help of a group with that of a coach, feel free to join a Loving Mirror Coaching Group. For 12 weeks, you will gain the insights and professional guidance of a Family Recovery Coach, along with the support of a group of others who have decided to take the lead in their lives in learning how to improve their relationship with themselves and the others in their lives. It’s an inexpensive way to have both a coach and a support group, all in one and the meetings are as close as your phone! A new group starts tomorrow, Wednesday, 8-3-11 at 8 PM ET. To learn more, click here.
So, dear reader, there you are with your boyfriend of five years who turns out to be a drinker, a partier and the parent of 2 adult drug addicts. Only you can decide if you have hit the jackpot in a negative or positive way. Only you can decide if your best bet is to cut your losses and GET OUT or to stick around and play the song again.
If you decide to stay, if you do the INNER work, this time CAN be different. That may mean he will decide to get well due to your example OR it may mean your interests will become so blatantly dissimilar, that one or both of you may leave the relationship.
If you decide to leave, AND are willing to let go of relationships for awhile while you do the INNER work, next time CAN be different!
If you simply keep blaming this whole repeat performance on the OTHERS, chances are, you WILL keep bringing dysfunctional people into your life – to repeat the performance again and again….and only once you realize that the only constant in the play of dysfunctional people in and out of your life is YOU, will you start to decide it is time to begin an inner journey of your own.
By building a relationship with yourself first, your chance at building a great relationship with others will be greatly enhanced.
If I can be of further help to you on your journey, give me a call and we can set up a time to talk further.
All the best,
Coach Bev
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC
ICF Professional Certified Coach
Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life
www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050
“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!
Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity
If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com
Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm
Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post will continue our focus on Key #2: Developing a Relationship with Yourself.
For me, one of the most interesting things about having a mindfulness meditation practice is what happens to my thoughts. They rise to the surface without freaking me out. It looks like this: I face a difficult situation and, instead of being overwhelmed by thoughts that lead to a knee jerk reaction, I internally ‘see’ the thoughts and become aware of the different perceptions going through my mind. This provides me with the time gap necessary to gain ground in Becoming a Loving Mirror.
And, the longer I meditate, the greater my ability to simply watch those thoughts, and then, choose the ones I am going to let go and the ones (if any) that I am going to act on. This ability to detach from one’s thoughts is a powerful side effect of mindfulness meditation that I, as a family member and a recovery coach, have found extremely helpful. That’s why, at the beginning of every Loving Mirror Coaching Group session, we spend five minutes cultivating the quality of mind that is able to detach by quieting our minds together.
Parts work, introduced in my last post, is a process of recognizing and giving voice to the many voices (aka thoughts) within in order to get to know them, share their concerns about how I am living my life, and, eventually, give them an option to evolve their perspective and role in my life.
These two practices, that of mindfulness and that of parts work, complement each other in that, when the thoughts are closer to the surface, they offer me clues to the inner perspectives of my parts that I may benefit from exploring.
I enjoy following up on these clues through my parts work, which I do through the type of written dialoguing that I described in my Key 1 blog post on Dialoguing with a Higher Power. (Of course dialoguing with ego parts has a different purpose than different than dialoguing with a Higher Power, but let’s talk more about that on another day.)
During yesterday’s monthly free Loving Mirror Teleseminar, my guest, Mindfulness Meditation Teacher Valerie York Zimmerman, guided participants through a couple of brief mindfulness exercises designed to quickly give practitioners relief from the incessant barrage of obsessive thoughts that can, at times, overtake the mind. Of course, being related to a person struggling with drugs and alcohol can increase one’s propensity to obsess and worry. Participants found the practice relaxing, and an interesting discussion ensued about how practicing this or any relaxation technique can impact not only one’s life, but that of one’s loved ones.
To learn this peaceful method of dealing with crisis in the moment, click here and I will send you today’s free teleseminar on Key 2 and Mindfulness.
All the best,
Coach Bev
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC
ICF Professional Certified Coach
Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life
www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050
“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!
Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post will continue our focus on Key #2: Developing a Relationship with Yourself.
If you have ever found yourself wondering why a part of you feels one way while another feels the other, you may be ready to explore the topic of getting to know your ego parts. The very concept of having an ego that is made up of many parts each with their own perspective on you, your life, and the situations facing you, is one that has been written about, studied and taught extensively.
Thinkers, therapists, life coaches and teachers including Carl Jung (Active Imagination), Robert Schwartz (Internal Family Systems), Hal and Sidra Stone (Voice Dialogue), and Tim Kelley (True Purpose work) have written about, taught, and/or teach this understanding of the ego having parts or subpersonalities that play different roles in a person’s life.
If you are wondering if this cold be true, that your ego could be subdivided into a bunch of parts, each of which wants a say in how you run your life, think back on the last decision you made. Did you notice one part of you that wanted you to go in one direction and and another that wanted to go elsewhere? one part that wanted you to quickly move forward and another that was scared and wanted you to wait? Take a moment to think about this. Maybe you have a decision right now that is pressing against you. Something you want to take action on, but then again…
Each of these parts, or subpersonalities, was, according to this theory, formed at a point in your life when your ego felt you needed it. One might be a protector, another a controller. One could be a worrier, another a risk taker. Some of these parts are like cheerleaders, always telling you what a great job you are doing, while others doubt everything you do or say. Take a moment to stop reading for a moment and take out your journal or a piece of paper. Think about the functions of the parts within you. Do you have a manipulator? a scaredy cat? a wounded child? a crybaby? a victim? a bully? Keep going. Get them all down on paper. The one that gets you to clean up all the time and the one that keeps your place cluttered. The one that is constantly bugging you to improve your work habits and the one that says you work too hard and need to lay back and take it easy…
By now, you may be getting confused. You could be thinking that only sick people have multiple personalities. Well, there is an illness called multiple personality disorder. But that is not what we are talking about here. We are talking about multiple personalities. We all have them. The question is, are we in touch with them and how can speaking with them help you with Key #2: Having a Healthy Relationship with Yourself.
In my opinion, both written parts work and voice dialogue are amazing ways for a person to enhance their relationship with self. This week we will talk more about how these work and how these practices can calm the inner storms that so often go with life in relationship to any type of addict or dysfunctional person – including oneself!
In the meantime, make that list of your many parts. Think about all of the inner turmoil you experience. Name how the part in charge of that inner turmoil functions, and let’s talk again soon!
Looking forward to writing more about this topic soon and by the way, remember, this Thursday at 11 AM ET is the How Mindfulness Can Help You Become a Loving Mirror. We will speak with Mindfulness Instructor Valerie York Zimmerman AND she will teach participants the 3 Minute Breath Space, a mindfulness technique to calm your angst in a moment or crisis or upset. To sign up, go to Key2: Self . Even if you can’t attend, by signing up you will receive a copy of the recording which will give you the 3 Minute Breath Space to practice with at home!
All the best,
Coach Bev
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC
ICF Professional Certified Coach
Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life
www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050
“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!
This week, I’d like to share a post I just wrote about finding your life purpose in recovery.
To read it, please go to www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com .
Thanks for tuning in. Would love to hear your feedback!
All the best,
Coach Bev
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC
Family Recovery Coach
Author of the forthcoming book and the course on:
The Four Foundations of Family Recovery: Simple Ideas to Transform Chaos to Serenity
Next teleseminar begins Thursday, 10/21/10 from 5-6:30 PM ET. To register go to
www.theempowermentcoach.net – follow link to 4 foundations of recovery
www.12stepfamily.com
www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
www.intherooms.com
The textbook of AA, referred to as the Big Book, talks about the detrimental effect that resentment can have on a person’s recovery. For the co-addict or co-alcoholic, the effect of resentment may not start a binge or substance relapse, but can turn into a codependent relapse that can get the whole family off kilter!
Yes, you are that powerful. If you’ve been reading for awhile, you are probably familiar with my thinking on this: You do have tremendous power in the family. While you didn’t cause, cannot control, and can’t cure the addict’s using, you can contribute to the addictive behavior by continuing to be actively addicted to your addict and all of the craziness that surrounds the using lifestyle.
Your power comes from recovering from co-addiction and being a living example of sane happy living. So, what role does forgiveness play in this?
It’s easy to resent the addict, his dealers, his doctors, his drinking buddies, her pimp, her boyfriend, her husband, his wife, etc. When we are in the “poor me’s” about how sad and awful it is to be married/related to an addict and about how desparate the situation is, sometimes blaming others in the addict’s life is the only comfort we can find.
But, spending your precious energy and time on who done your addict and you wrong over the years just doesn’t help. In fact, it hurts. How? Well for one thing, it keeps the focus where it needn’t be: on things you have NO control over. For another, left unbridled, such unforgiveness and resentment can only do you and your addict harm. Over time, it will grow and fester into hate, fear, envy, anger and discouragement that will only hurt the person who dwells on it.
Now this isn’t to say that it is not natural to have those feelings. It is. But the question is, what do you, as a recovering co-addict, do with these feelings?
In the 12 step programs, forgiveness plays a big role: forgiveness of self and others. The steps provide a mechanism to forgive through first becoming aware of the feelings, then asking HP to remove them, then making amends to people we’ve harmed, and then staying spiritually fit, which includes praying for people who have harmed us daily in order to let go of the negative feelings we harbor about them.
Forgiveness is not at all an unselfish act. It is something we do for our own benefit. Unable to handle the festering without becoming bitter, miserable human beings, we forgive others for what they have done to us in order to free ourselves of the bad feelings that go along with a victim mentality.
There’s a saying in the program: “There are no victims. There are only volunteers.”
The beauty of working a recovery program is that it gives us tools to no longer walk blindly through victimhood. We wake up to our own role in the family illness of addiction and have the power of choice to get well and move our lives forward. Forgiveness is one of the tools and the blessings of this process.
If you would benefit from getting help with your forgiveness work, go to Nar-Anon and/or Alanon meetings, work the steps with a sponsor. As we say in the program: “It works if you work it!”
A recovery coach can help with the process as well. Armed with lots of unique methods, techniques, and technologies of growth, a recovery coach is there to help you move forward in your own life and let go of the unproductive attitudes and behaviors of the family disease.
Call me at 786 859 4050 to set up a complimentary consult. Let’s explore the possibilities of how family recovery coaching could help you move forward!
And if you are ready for more advanced steps in your own recovery, take a look at my Life Purpose In Recovery Blog ( www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com ) to learn more about how you can find your very unique and specific life purpose. I’m here. Give me a call today and let’s talk!
All the best,
Coach Bev
Beverly Buncher, MA, CEC, CLPF
Family Recovery Coach/True Purpose Coach
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com
www.12stepfamily.com
www.familyrecoverycoach.com
786 859 4050
Are you trying to figure out if there is more to your life than what you have experienced so far?
Do you know why you are here? What your own specific life purpose truly is?
Isn’t it time you found out?
If you think there is more and have been looking in all the wrong places, that doesn’t mean there isn’t more. There is!
Knowing your unique life purpose and gaining the skills to manifest it is about as cool as life gets!
To help you do so, I’m offering a nine week teleseminar called
True Purpose: Life Purpose in Recovery.
Take this course and take YOUR recovery to the next level and beyond!
Learn more at:
http://www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com/2010/05/more-details-about-upcoming-life.html
Warning: This course is for people who already have some recovery under their belt. To find out if you qualify, take the survey listed on my life purpose in recovery blog (see above) or give me a call at 786 859 4050.
All the best,
Coach Bev
Beverly A. Buncher, MA CEC
Family Recovery Coach
www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
786 859 4050
And remember to call for a complimentary consult if you are looking for help finding your purpose or with the addiction issues of a relative or a friend or with your own recovery from a substance or behavior of your own.