12 Step Family

This morning I began writing my blog for family members. I decided to focus on life in sobriety. As I started writing, I found myself writing just about what I usually write for families struggling with using addicts  - and then it hit me! There is only one message.

One message when they are using and one message when they get sober. In one word, it is LOVE. In several, it is: Focus on yourself and communicate lovingly. This one message, of loving yourself and loving the addict above all else, is powerful, effective, and easier said than done. So, I’ve decided to write about the nitty gritty details over the next few posts.

We will start with early sobriety (year one). I think I’ll call that one: Sit down, shut up and smile.

Then we will go into developing sobriety (years 2-5). I think I’ll call that: Get a life!

And finally, we will discuss, ongoing sobriety, where life simply is and the memory of the using days are but a distant memory. That one, I’ll call: Be vigilant – about your own recovery!

So, look for these upcoming posts. They may come out slowly or quickly as life has been getting in the way of my writing, but out they will come!

Looking forward to communicating with you as we look at this issue of how to living with a clean and sober loved one! Please feel free to send me your letters and quieries on this topic of being a family member of a sober addict or alcoholic! Would love to anonyously publish your letters and answer them. Chances are, if you have a question, others have it too!

Best to you and yours!

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

Family Recovery Coach

Be A Loving Mirror!!! (BALM)

786 859 4050

www.beverlybuncher.com

To sign up for a complimentary session with Coach Bev, click here.

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This month’s Keys are The Four Foundations: Self Care, Being a Loving Person, Setting Boundaries, and Getting Support. I received this letter last night from a reader wondering how setting boundaries would affect her addict’s behaviors…

Dear Coach Bev,

I have a boyfriend who is a drug addict. I know I am a codependent but I got a lot better now. I need some advice on how to set boundaries. He’s independent and doesn’t need anyone to give him money or asking people to do things for him. But it’s really bothering me when he’s high all the time and doing drugs in front of me.

At this point, I’m recovering and willing to set up boundaries in our relationship. I’m thinking of telling him not to do drugs in front of me or see me only when he’s sober.

Are these boundaries or am I making him to choose me or the drug? Thanks for your help.

Best,

Katrina

Dear Katrina,

Thank you so much for your letter. Congratulations on committing to your own your recovery. You are aware of your boyfriend’s behavior, know when he’s high, and no longer want to be a witness to his doing the drugs or being high.

Your question is so fundamental to the entire field of boundary setting. In recovery, setting boundaries is about figuring out what we are and are not willing to have in our life, letting the people in our life know what those things are and then following through by no longer allowing those things/behaviors in our lives.

Setting boundaries is not just about making a statement.It is also about follow through.  Once you make that statement, expect your loved one to do any and everything to try to break through that boundary. They may lie, deny, beg, try to make deals and intimidate you to make you go back on your word.

For this reason, it is important to know what your truth is in this situation, what you will and will not live what, what you can and cannot stand, how far you will and will not go. If you are not strong in your understanding of what you are willing to live with, it may be best to wait before setting the boundary, because pushback is likely and the manipulation of someone on drugs or alcohol can be very powerful until we get to the point of no return, the point when we are no longer willing to be manipulated, no longer willing to live in unacceptable conditions with someone we love whose behaviors are detrimental and/or repulsive to us.

So, let’s say you are at that point of no return. In your situation, you no longer want to see him taking drugs or being high.

Every person is always at choice. If and when you tell him your boundary of no longer choosing to be with him when he is taking a drug or ‘being high,’ you are giving him an opportunity to make a number of choices, all of which are his to make such as:

* getting sober

* going for treatment

* going to meetings

* getting into therapy

* exploring harm reduction

* stopping taking his drugs around you and still taking them elsewhere

* continuing to lie to you and seeing how that works

* leaving

* stopping on his own

* saying no and seeing how strong you are in your resolve.

If you can tell he is high when he is around you, you will then have the opportunity to call him on that or to put up with it. Should you call him on it, it is likely that he will deny that he is high, but he may also choose any of the other choices above as well.

Your job will be to have clear examples ready to share with him of what his high behavior is like vs. his behavior when he is not high. (Of course, if you are Being a Loving Mirror, you will do so when he is not high (if at all possible)  so that he can hear what you are saying.)  He may continue to deny and simply continue to do as he does.

You will then have a choice of whether to believe his denial or your eyes, ears, experience of him, and intuition. Should you choose to believe your own perceptions, you will then have a choice of whether to continue to be around him.

If there is one thing people who are addicted are good at, it is sniffing out when we are seriously finished with their lies and other behaviors and when we are simply spouting more of the same empty threats.

As long as there is no determination to follow through behind your words, it will not result in any change. He will either fake you out for awhile or simply ignore your demands. Once you are serious, he will know it. You will know it. You will be ‘done’ with the behavior and no longer willing to listen to his retorts, his excuses, his arguments. You will simply share the facts with him and when he tries to argue back, you will simply let him know you are disinterested in hearing what he has to say. That it is time for the behavior to stop (either immediately or in a time frame that you set) or that you will be taking action. (again, sharing consequences in a loving manner is only useful when you are certain you will follow through)

This action could range from kicking him out, leaving yourself, getting a restraining order, not letting him see the children anymore, Marchman Acting him, etc. to simply no longer waiting up for him when he gets home late, no longer getting together or speaking with him on the phone or in person, etc.

It takes strength and determination and often lots of support to set boundaries that stick. Years of going back and forth with an addict can weaken us. But at a certain point, we will know when we have had enough! When you know you have had enough and that nothing (shy of his getting help and sticking with it) can change your mind, it is time to act!

Planning is important. Support is important. Self care is important. Treating yourself and your troubled loved one with dignity and respect is important. Being ‘done’ is not an excuse to treat someone disrespectfully or dismissively. It is a reason to take care of ourselves while continuing to be loving.

Taking such action is a well worn path. It may result in his leaving and at the same time could be the catalyst for his getting help.  At the very very least, taking action on your own behalf will result in YOUR recovery growing stronger.  NOT everyone needs to leave or disengage physically from an addict who is using to stay in recovery themselves. But if this IS what YOU choose, know that you are not forcing him to choose you or his drugs.

His choices are his choices. Your choices are your choices.

How do you choose to live today?

How strong are you in your conviction that you no longer want someone who is using  and being high all the time doing so in front of you and what are you willing to do about it?

Again, there is help. Alanon and Naranon meetings and getting a sponsor can help, as can hiring a Family Recovery Coach!

Again, congratulations on choosing recovery! “Trudging the road to happy destiny” (Big Book of AA) is not always the easiest thing to do. But is filled with miracles and increasing opportunities for joy and inner peace each day.

Looking forward to hearing about your progress!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

www.beverlybuncher.com

786 859 4050

If you would like to have the personal help of a Family Recovery Coach who will:

• help you fast track recovery principles into your life
• provide you with an interactive partner who will help you figure out exactly what it is that you really want
• help you map out a plan to get there
• help you Be a Loving Mirror (TM) in relation to your loved one
• give you support along the way
• help you stay accountable to your goals

let’s get together for a complimentary consult so you can see if that would be a viable path for you.

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Imagine this scene: your son (or daughter) walks in the door high as a kite…again.

If you have told them once, you’ve told them a thousand times how much that upsets you and how you want them to stop. But there they are…again.

Your usual response is to threaten and cajole them into stopping their use. You do it because you love them, because you’re scared to death, because you can’t believe that a child of yours, with the values you have taught them, would be messed up enough to throw their life away to drugs…You are so frightened of what could happen to them and so disgusted by the friends they are now hanging out with that all you want to do is scream…So instead, you tell them what a bad seed they are, how you wish they never were born, how they are ruining YOUR life, and then, once you’ve finished saying all of the things that you know will hurt them the most, you top it off with “And if you don’t stop doing this, you aren’t welcome in this house.”

And then a day or two later, there they are again, walking in high, ruining your life and the litany starts again.

It doesn’t have to be that way, you know. It’s not mandatory that you judge your child as bad or wrong for out of control drinking or drugging. It’s not required that you push your feelings of hurt, fear and despair down with anger, resentment, and rage. You don’t have to make idle threats or sarcastic comments.

There IS another way.

That way is Being A Loving MIrror.

The work of Being A Loving MIrror may be new to you or it may be something you’ve read in this blog before. Either way, it is accessible to you, right here, right now.

All it takes is a commitment to change your point of view and attitude, for a moment in time. And that moment is NOW.

Each relationship we have is built and broken one moment at a time, in each moment of time that it occurs. It is never too late to start over. To make a decision to be NEW in relationship to someone you love.

Being a Loving Mirror means feeling all of the hurt and pain that goes with watching someone you love do something self-destructive and doing something different: just sitting with it. Allowing it to percolate in a new way inside of you.

Instead of pushing the feelings down, watch them rise up within you and BE still. In that stillness, that state of being an inner witness to your own sadness and despair, take a deep breath and make a decision to take a different approach: The Loving Mirror Approach. Why?

1. What you are doing isn’t working to get him or her to stop using.
2. you feel awful every time you rant and rave and nothing changes.
3. you are growing more and more distant from your loved one everytime the two of you have another one of those confrontations…

Want to learn how to BE and Live life in relationship as a loving mirror?

Join me Wednesday, August 24, 2011 when I will be interviewed by Jory Fisher on her BlogTalk Radio Show Women of Faith and Purpose talking about what it means to Be A Loving Mirror and how it can make a difference in your life. Click here to join us for this noon ET radio program today!

And if you can’t make it, but you really want to learn how to BE A Loving Mirror, join me as a participant for my upcoming 12 week Loving Mirror Coaching Group! Click here to sign up NOW! It starts next Thursday, September 1st, and will happen on the phone lines every Thursday from noon to 1:30 PM!

Want more information? Give me a call at 786 859 4050. Let’s talk and see what will help you the most in your journey to an honest, loving, non-judgmental relationship with your loved ones! It’s my job to help you figure out what your next best steps are!

Let’s talk and figure it out together.

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC
Family Recovery Coach
www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com

FYI: Here’s an excerpt on the Heart and Soul Interview. See you at noon!

Beverly Buncher on “How To Be A Loving Mirror in Your Loved Ones’ Lives”

On Wednesday, August 24th, Jory will interview author/blogger Beverly Buncher, a Family Recovery and True Purpose™ Coach Please go to this link at 12 Noon Eastern (9AM Pacific) to listen to our live interview.
“How To Be A Loving Mirror in Your Loved One’s Lives”

When it comes to relationships, what matters most? Is it kindness? Intelligence? Beauty? Wisdom? For Beverly Buncher, Family Recovery and Life Purpose in Recovery Coach, what matters most is the ability to Be A Loving Mirror (BALM) in your own and your loved ones’ lives.

Coach Bev works with the family members of addicts, yet teaches principles that anyone can use in relationship with their loved ones.

Her message: telling each other the truth in a loving, non-judgmental way is the key to a relationship that works, especially during those times when things are going less than smoothly.

During this hour, Bev will share her 12 Keys to Sanity which will guide you to the ability to BE that loving mirror in a loved one’s life.

About Beverly Buncher

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC, Family Recovery Coach, works with clients individually and in groups, in person and on the phone. Author of the forthcoming book Transform Your Life with the12 Keys to Sanity, she helps family members turn chaos to sanity and helps recovering addicts find and live their life purpose. Coach Bev is internationally recognized as a Professional Certified Coach by ICF (International Coach Federation). She is the family blogger and resident Recovery Coach for In the Rooms (the leading social network for people in recovery) and the Family Recovery Coach for the social network, The Addict’s Mom. She also trains Professional Recovery Coaches for Crossroads Recovery Coaching and is a mentor coach for iPEC. Coach Bev has spent over 26 years as a member of family recovery programs and practices the principles of recovery in her own life on a daily basis. You can learn more about her work on her websites at www.beverlybuncher.com and by reading her blog In The Rooms at http://12stepfamily.com.

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The trauma of having a child, friend or relative using substances without regard to their health or safety, or that of anyone else, is one of life’s most difficult challenges. What tools do you find most effective in helping you regain your sanity when you see someone you love doing things that you know could harm themselves or others and there is nothing you can do to stop them?

When it comes to relating to those we love, especially but not exclusively those who use drugs, alcohol, or other addictive substances or behaviors, it is important to have a toolbox of spiritual, mental, and physical techniques available to you so that you do not fall apart because of their issues.

Here are a few that I and my clients have found helpful as we walk our path. See if any of them work for you:

1. Consciously breathe. The breath is one of the greatest tools we have to bring our minds back to calm when fearful thoughts threaten to take over. Notice I said fearful THOUGHTS, not fearful BEHAVIORS OF OTHERS. It is not others’ behaviors that destroy our peace of mind, but how we think about those behaviors. Breathing slowly, calmly and deeply, can help us stay fully present to whatever situation is facing us and allow us to focus on our next best step, rather than on the racing thoughts of fear and of possible tragic outcomes that tend to rush through our minds when faced with our loved one’s behaviors.

2. Become aware of yourself exactly in relation to exactly where you are RIGHT NOW. You see your loved one in an intoxicated state. Or they are telling you a story or problem with potentially dire consequences. You have started to use tool one, Consciously Breathe, but still you feel your thoughts racing. Now, as you continue to breathe, take a look around. Become aware of the wallpaper, the ceiling fan, the diningroom chair fabric. Allow your eyes to embrace your environment and see the detail and beauty in a new way. You get the picture. Take your focus off of your fear and put it right where you are. Allow yourself to see the world around you in THIS moment in order to further relax calm yourself.

3. Become aware of yourself in your environment If you are outside, feel the sun on your skin and the grass under your toes. If you are in a chair, feel your body touching the chair and your feet touching the floor. If your arms are crossed. feel your fingers touching your arms. Keep breathing of course and just focus on yourself, in your environment, breathing.

These three tools, of breathing, focusing on the present moment environment, and focusing on yourself IN the environment, all have tremendous power to bring you back to the present momen,t regardless of the news you are hearing about what just happened to your loved one or the thoughts your mind is playing about what could happen. This isn’t about going off into la-la land. It is about becoming able to hear what people are telling us without going into full battle mode, which after awhile, can create an inner trauma loop in our minds that keeps us from relating effectively to our loved ones.

Being related to someone who is often doing dangerous things, can create trauma in us. However, if we begin to ground ourselves in our own body, in our own breath, in our own environment, in the moment, we will begin to be able to physically experience the ability to detach with love. We will have a sense of inner calm that will allow us to respond in a manner appropriate to the situation, without all of the intense mental thought clutter we used to have that is grounded less in reality than in fear and panic.

To relate to others in the moment, with lovingkindness and effectiveness, to Be that Loving Mirror (TM), it is crucial to develop our own ability to feel a sense of calm underlying all that we think, do, and say. Not easy, but simple. With daily practice, you will own these tools and BE there for others in ways you had previously not thought possible. MORE importantly, you will be there for yourself, as the inner calm will minimize the wear and tear on your body and mind that stress often brings.

Practice these three things even when not hearing bad news. Practice BEING in the moment on a regular basis and the skill will be there for you when you need it.

Let me know how it is going for you!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post will is the first in a month-long series that will post on Developing Relationships with Others.

Recently I received this post from a reader:

Dear Bev, after being married to an alchoholic for 20 years, I got divorced, I met a wonderful man I was dating for almost 5 years. We only saw each other on the weekends. As we became closer it became clear he is also an alchoholic and partier & to top it off his 2 adult children are drug users. I am devistated. I feel duped and stupid. How did I miss the signs this time? – Feeling betrayed…

Dear Betrayed,

First of all, thank you so much for your note and question. Your willingness to put out there the exact dilemma that so many ex-spouses of alcoholics/addicts face will help many others better understand the seeming insanity of what has happened to you.

Many people who marry an active addict the first time around often find an equally dysfunctional person the second time around (and in some cases the 3rd, 4th, and 5th time as well…).

So, what is that about and what does this have to do with the 3rd Key to Sanity: Developing Loving Relationships with Others?

Everyday of our lives, we are bombarded with images of what the ideal mate looks like, talks like, acts like. We see, on television and in the movies, people with perfect bodies, perfect jobs, perfect smiles, and lots and lots of money and we see what they have as what we really want, but yet, the only place we see life playing out like that is on fictionalized shows and in movies. We may go to church, temple, mosque or synagogue and get a different perspective on what good and perfect mean and begin to develop ideals that compete with those of the media and culture around us.

Then, deep inside of us are the tapes we’ve been playing since our childhood of what we are worth, who we deserve, what we can get in life and what kind of life we will live. If our parents were dysfunctional in anyway and/or if they abused us emotionally or physically, we carry those tapes of being less than. If we were sexually abused by anyone, in our family or outside of our family, we carry those tapes of shame and unworthiness.

When we look for a mate initially, we carry all of these competing views of ourselves and others along for the search. Unless we have developed a very strong relationship with a Higher Power along with a very healthy, sense of self and a relationship with ourselves that consciously and subconsciously knows what is best for us and will accept nothing less than that, chances are, our choices may have been less than ideal. Then, once we have a marriage, we begin to think of ourselves in certain ways and to see our lives in certain ways based on what we experience in relation to our mate. And if that mate is an active alcoholic/addict, we may feel extremely isolated, confused, lonely, and afraid. How did this person who we loved so much turn into such a_________________ (you fill in the blank- monster, meanie,etc.)

So, there we are in a marriage with another person who at first appeared to be very much in sync with who/what we wanted in life, but now, as we look deeper, has lots of issues that we have no idea how to cope with. Being stuck like that, many of us put the dysfunctional coping mechanisms we learned at home into place. We cry, sulk, scream and yell to get them to behave better toward us. When these don’t work, we ignore, get bitter, put our interests and energy elsewhere, and, if we don’t have the means or guts to GET OUT, or if our religious beliefs encourage us to stick it out NO MATTER WHAT, we ENDURE.

Perhaps you can relate to that scenario. Your story may be quite different. If possible, find a piece of it that works for you and stay with me here.

So, after awhile, six months, six years, 12 years, 20 years, 35 years later, you change your mind. You are done enduring and decide to get the heck out of this unendurable marriage and start over. So you do. Maybe your spouse did the unspeakable: cheated on you, and that was your breaking point. Or maybe after the 16th time they cheated on you, you realized this was not going to get better and you left. Or maybe they left you for the other woman/man. Anyway, you get the picture. The marriage is OVER, done, finished.

You are out on your own, finally out from under the thumb of this person who “made you so miserable.”

Now what?

For many who find themselves in this position, it’s lonely! Even though the marriage was lonely, someone was at least THERE. There was a warm body on the other side of the bed or in the next room and not everything about the marriage was bad, etc., etc., …Of course, not everyone is that upset. The freedom can be intoxicating! the chance to meet others and have a good time is grand.

But now what?

All of the above is written to set the scenario for meeting partner #2. After whatever amount of time you have taken to ‘get over’ the last one, you begin to look for your next mate. Perhaps you hardly have to look at all and they find you…or perhaps you spend years looking. Either way, the hunt is on.

Finally, you meet. Certain that this time will be different, you find someone who is not an alcoholic, not an addict, not a…the list goes on. Or so you think. So you get together to live happily ever after. Sometimes the honeymoon lasts weeks, sometimes years. But eventually, it comes out: They may not be an alcoholic, but they may instead take pills or have a sex addiction or a gambling addiction. And there you are again in your own new version of the same Hell you endured the last time around…or maybe something even worse…

What went wrong?

The reason Key 3: Developing Relationships with Other People comes 3rd and not 1st, is that without good strong inner work on ourselves, our relationships with others will often come up short. What I’m saying here is that the relationships we have with others are much more about us than about them! and the kinds of people we choose to have in our lives are also much more about us than about them!

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that life with an alcoholic or addict is easy. I’m not saying that if you aren’t yet married and you find that your partner is deeply troubled (sex addict, drug addict, gambler, alcoholic, etc.) you shouldn’t run as fast and as far as you can.

What I am saying is that when you look at who you are involved with, who your friends are or aren’t (if you don’t have any), or who you choose to end up with as a partner, the most important person in the relationship vis-a-vis these choices can be found right in your own mirror.

So, what does this all mean?

As shared at the beginning of this post, all kinds of outside input from society, school, friends, and parents, contribute to how we see ourselves and what we think we are worthy of in life. When we really want the perfect mate, but on some level feel we aren’t worthy of him or her, the feelings will often win out. Getting our insides congruent with our outsides, our feelings congruent with our desires, is one piece of the puzzle of finding the right person. Jerry and Esther Hicks write about this in all of their books about the Law of Attraction.

Another key to becoming congruent on the level of feeling, is to do the deeper work of healing the sorrow of a less than perfect childhood and unhappy1st marriage. This can be approached through therapy, 12 step work, parts work, voice dialogue, and/or other emotional healing modalities.

Life choices happen on so many levels, many of which are below the surface of our conscious awareness. Once we are in a difficult situation, it can be much more difficult and complicated to get out of it than it was to get into it in the first place.

For those who are not yet involved in a first or second dysfunctional relationship, yet have a history of family dysfunction behind them, the best advice is to do the inner work first. I remember being given that advice and feeling too anxious to get my life moving toward the future, marriage, kids, etc… Maybe you remember that feeling too?

But wherever you are planted, it is never too late to begin the inner work of healing. The 12 Keys of Sanity which culminate in Key 12 “Being a Loving Mirror” provide a series of recovery principles designed to help you see yourself as the person you need to change in your life in order to make your life better! This may be a harsh pill to swallow, but it is true.

For some, these principles alone provide a good foundation. For others, the support of others is crucial…This can come in the form of a recovery coach to help you move in the direction of your dreams while looking honestly at what is going on in your present life that you may want/need to look at in order to get there!
For others, who have experienced severe trauma or distress, the help of a coach can be supplemented by that of a therapist.

Many find help in a group setting. There are Alanon and Naranon meetings all over the country and all over the world. Once you start going, get a sponsor and begin the 12 steps of recovery, where tremendous healing can be found. I work the steps daily and have found tremendous strength and healing in them. But for me and many others, more help was needed.

To add to your recovery by combining the help of a group with that of a coach, feel free to join a Loving Mirror Coaching Group. For 12 weeks, you will gain the insights and professional guidance of a Family Recovery Coach, along with the support of a group of others who have decided to take the lead in their lives in learning how to improve their relationship with themselves and the others in their lives. It’s an inexpensive way to have both a coach and a support group, all in one and the meetings are as close as your phone! A new group starts tomorrow, Wednesday, 8-3-11 at 8 PM ET. To learn more, click here.

So, dear reader, there you are with your boyfriend of five years who turns out to be a drinker, a partier and the parent of 2 adult drug addicts. Only you can decide if you have hit the jackpot in a negative or positive way. Only you can decide if your best bet is to cut your losses and GET OUT or to stick around and play the song again.

If you decide to stay, if you do the INNER work, this time CAN be different. That may mean he will decide to get well due to your example OR it may mean your interests will become so blatantly dissimilar, that one or both of you may leave the relationship.

If you decide to leave, AND are willing to let go of relationships for awhile while you do the INNER work, next time CAN be different!

If you simply keep blaming this whole repeat performance on the OTHERS, chances are, you WILL keep bringing dysfunctional people into your life – to repeat the performance again and again….and only once you realize that the only constant in the play of dysfunctional people in and out of your life is YOU, will you start to decide it is time to begin an inner journey of your own.

By building a relationship with yourself first, your chance at building a great relationship with others will be greatly enhanced.

If I can be of further help to you on your journey, give me a call and we can set up a time to talk further.

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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If you have ever asked yourself the following questions…

How can I get through to my loved one?
How can I maintain a sense of normalcy in the face of her chaotic behavior?
How can I make this situation improve?
What steps can I take to re-build a life that seems so broken?

…my upcoming teleseminar on Being A Loving Mirror can help you!

If you attend, here is what you will learn:
1. What works and what doesn’t when communicating with an addict
2. A direct plan for communicating directly and effectively with the addict during or soon after a crisis
3. A clear understanding of what it takes to operate sanely in the middle of a chaotic situation
4. A vision of what recovery from family addiction looks like and how to bring that first into your life and potentially into the lives of all those around you.

Here is a note one of the enrollees wrote and my response:

Bev,

I could use some help with communicating with my wife from whom I am separated though we continue to share a house. I am the addict in the relationship, and I recently had to restart my sobriety, because of drinking. Step 4 above really resonates with me.

I see a counselor weekly and go to group therapy once a week as well. I am also a recovering sex addict and am working my 12 step programs as best I can, including attending conventions where the recovery is intensified. I am doing the best I can at any given time, but I’m always feeling like I could be doing something more, as I put my wife through hell.

The mirroring thing sounds wonderful. I do attempt, albeit a bit feebly, to do this. But not very well, so I will listen and see what goes.

Thanks,
Daniel

Dear Daniel,

I hear your dilemma and I salute you for all of the inner work you are doing and pursuing. After relapse and recovery, things can be delicate in the coupleship for awhile – sometimes a long while. Each partner has their role in healing the relationship, but sometimes it falls on the one who is more conscious at that moment (or more able to do the work) to initiate or move things forward. Your acknowledgement of your role in her current pain is a good start. Then there is a process of letting go and mirroring that can help not only her, but also you, to heal further.

I’d say the Being A Loving Mirror (BALM) Teleseminar is a good choice for you at this point. You mentioned that you are separated but living in the same house. You might invite her to the tele-seminar as well, but an invitation is freely given without expectations. Your learning the tools and modeling them is powerful as well. BALM will give anyone who comes, tools to heal from the family addiction hell that often overtakes the addict and everyone close to him or her.

Once the addict is sober, there is a lot of codependence on both sides that needs healing. Your willingness to clean up your side of the street in this area certainly will help. If nothing else, it will increase your peace and sanity. The beautiful thing about Being A Loving Mirror (nicknamed BALM because its practice is soothing and healing) is that it is a practice that is appropriate for all relationships – not only with addicts, but with anyone we love or interact with.

The challenge is that it is a completely non-judgmental practice. Should judgment seep in, such as “Yes, I know I hurt you, but aren’t you over it yet?’, things can get stickly and the BALM can lose its healing power.

It doesn’t require perfection, because it is, as in all things in recovery work, a practice. And the more we do it with the aim of total non-judgment in mind, the better we get at truly being there as a loving mirror for the other person. That’s why it helps so much to study and learn and practice these concepts in groups, so others can give us feedback and help us get better at ‘being there’, present and lovingly, for the people in our lives, and for ourselves.

I’m looking forward to seeing you in the teleseminar and working with you on this!

All the best,
Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC
ICF Professional Certified Coach
Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life
www.beverlybuncher.com
786 859 4050
Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the Four Foundations of Family Recovery

Click here join in on my upcoming FREE Teleseminar series: Being A Loving Mirror (BALM)!

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

If you are an addict in recovery looking for ‘more’ in your recovery and in your life, let’s discuss how you can do so by finding your life purpose in recovery. For more information, check out my blog at www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com .

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When a lunar eclipse visits once every four hundred years or so on the same night as the winter solstice as it is this week, people take notice. This singular event in our lifetime gets news time for days. Granted, not everyone stays up to see it. But plenty of people do, and as for the rest of us, there it is for us to enjoy on TV.

So what is it about things that rarely happen that makes us pay attention and what can we learn about this to help us with our relationships with our addicted loved ones?

The everyday is just that; it’s well, everyday. But when something new happens, it takes us by surprise, fills us with awe and wonder, takes us out of our day to day malaise and into a whole new universe of possibilities.

Likewise, when a co-addict decides to change the rules a bit, to no longer yell back but to act as a mirror to the addict’s sick behavior; to no longer take abuse as if it is an okay way to behave but to set boundaries in order to treat oneself with dignity and respect; to begin to treat the addict with dignity and respect even when it feels unnatural to do so; to get to daily Alanon or Nar-Anon meetings in order to increase the amount of positive thought potential in one’s life – when these things begin to happen, they give pause to the addict. Something is different. The game has changed. One dance is over and a new one has begun.

Changing the way we act and react in relation to our addicted loved ones can have the effect of helping them to look inward rather than outward; to see themselves as having a role in their own demise as opposed to seeing their family members as the ones at fault.

But even if acting differently has no immediate effect on our unhealthy loved ones, these new ways of being change us, give us a new beginning.

The gift of recovery lies not only in the element of surprise that it bestows upon all who see only the fully developed flower…

When things are toughest, taking a moment to practice a recovery principle can make a teeny tiny difference that will one day blossom into a beautiful way of life once only dreamed of. As McBride wrote in her song The Rose:
“When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been to long,
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong,
just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed that with the sun’s love
in the spring becomes the rose. ”
(Written by Amanda McBroom
Sung by Bette Midler)

On this coldest of winters, if things are so very challenging in your family, I invite you to take any one of the four foundations of family recovery and practice it in your life. And then introduce another and then another and before you know it, you will enjoy the springtime in a new and beautiful way that you never imagined could ever have been yours to enjoy.

Start with Self Care – Put yourself first today. Take a bubble bath. Make a doctor’s appointment you have been putting off. Go to the dentist. Meditate on all that you have to be grateful for.

Then add being a loving person – Treat your addict with dignity even if he swaggers into your livingroom and passes out. Allow her to experience the consequences of her behavior without rescuing her. Mirror what you see without judgement or disrespect.

Set a boundary - Allow yourself to live in a smoke-free house. Protect your car from drunk drivers by not sharing your keys. Keep your credit cards to yourself. Not to control others, but because these acts define the way YOU want to live.

Make sure YOU are getting enough support to live your life fully grounded in recovery: Get to 90 meetings in 90 days so you can hear recovery talk everyday for 90 days. Hire a recovery coach. Work the 12 steps. Join Smart Recovery for family members.

Be like the lunar eclipse. Show up different for once. Only unlike the lunar eclipse, don’t disappear again for 70 years, keep building on your surprise. In the long run you will be pleasantly surprised at the results!Any or all of these will increase your resolve to live a stronger recovery-based life. Start with any of them and you are planting a seed in the winter of your life “that with the sun’s love
in the spring becomes the rose.”

Happy Holidays everyone!

Much Love,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC, LTPC
Family Recovery Coach
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
786 859 4050

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Being a teen is fraught with challenges emotionally as well as academically. The pressure to conform can be fierce, the pressure to succeed is enormous, the job future is uncertain, and the need for scholarships greater than ever as they find their parents preoccupied with getting or keeping a job to support the family.

For families affected by addiction or other family dysfunction or trauma, the road for the teenagers can be even more treacherous. Dealing with all of the above stresses, while living in a family dealing with its own serious issues of getting and maintaining sobriety, can leave a teen almost on their own, struggling to figure out all of the large and small decisions facing them including, but not limited to this daunting list:
* who to befriend
* what to do about peer pressure or bullying
* which homework to pay most attention to
* what to do when a teacher doesn’t seem to like them
* which activities to get involved in
* how to navigate the various demands and requirements of different teachers
* how to prepare for and when to sign up for the pre-college tests
* which colleges to apply to
* how to find and pursue a passion that could help them figure out what they want to do with their life
* what careers to consider
* which scholarships to apply for
* how to figure out which teachers to ask for recommendations
* what to do with all of the feelings that go with all of these pressures
* what to do when a friend is in trouble or the teen him or herself feels they may be on a path leading to trouble themselves

Here is where a coach can come in. As a teen coach, I can help your teen:
* discover and build on their own strengths
* find and pursue a passion
* navigate the path from high school to college (academically, emotionally, and socially)
* look at their own role and develop their own inner power in their relationships with their teachers, their friends and themselves.

Frankly, while many parents see coaching as a luxury for themselves, they understand it as key to helping their teen turn the high school years from a time of inner confusion and dysfunction to a time of inner growth and understanding that will allow the teen to move as smoothly as possible through what can be a very precarious life transition.

While coaching isn’t all it takes to help a teen figure out next steps in their life, it can be an extremely positive component in the teen’s repertoire of resources.

As a parent, when you find your teen a coach, you find yourself with someone who ‘gets’ the importance of these years and is able to empower your teen to take personal responsibility for the various components in a way you had only dreamed of.

Taking personal responsibility, setting goals, developing action plans and breaking through the obstacles standing in their way are skills your teen will learn with their coach that they will be able to use throughout their college and work careers. Of course, all of this will be learned in the context of a strengths-based approach designed to facilitate your teen’s self understanding as a person who is able to make good decisions and live a positive life.

And of course, you as the parent will not be left out. All of my teen coaching work includes a monthly meeting with the parent (which may be with or without the teen depending on the individual family needs) while respecting the teen’s need for confidentiality.

As a former middle and high school teacher and principal, and a family recovery coach, I understand the general needs of teens as well as the very specific needs of teens operating in an addictive or otherwise broken family system. Let me help you help your teen navigate the challenging transition between childhood and adulthood.

This process can make a huge difference in your teen’s life and remove a huge worry from your parental plate. To receive my Could a Coach Help Your Teen? Questionaire along with my Could a Teen Coach Help You? Questionaire for your teen to take, send an email to recoverycoachbev@theempowermentcoach.net and put TEEN COACHING in the subject line.

To learn more or to sign your teen up for a complimentary coaching session, call me at 786 859 4050 or send me an email along with your phone number and ask me to call you.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon!

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC, LTPC
Family Recovery Coach
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com
786 859 4050

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Congratulations! You made it through Thanksgiving!

Hopefully you had a wonderful time with family and friends. If an acting out addict or other dysfunctional loved one made things difficult, you still survived and hopefully everyone else did too!

So, where do you go from here?

If you have been following this blog this year and particularly this series for the past two weeks, you have most likely begun to pay more attention to your own self care, being a loving person and setting healthy boundaries. Or at least you have begun to think about doing so.

If you are finding the long haul of maintaining these new habits of mind challenging, foundations four will make your life so much easier!

This foundation, getting support, is all about adding people, places and things to your life that will help you continue to take better care of yourself, become more loving and set better boundaries, all with less stress and discomfort.

The type of support you may need is entirely individual, yet, there are some tried and true methods of getting help when you are struggling with the addiction of a loves one. These include: Alanon, Nar-anon, Gamanon, S-anon, recovery coaching, the Four Foundations of Family Recovery courses, and therapy. Each of these has its up and down sides and each has the potential to increase the peace within you immeasurably.

For a free report on the many types of support for family members, along with contact information, send me an email at recoverycoachbev@theempowermentcoach.net . When you do so, I’ll also send you my free e-book How Can I Get Them Sober? A Guide for Families and Friends of Alcoholics and Addicts and add you to my newsletter so these blog posts will come directly to your email!

All the best,

Coach Bev
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC, LTPC
Family Recovery Coach
www.theempowermentcoach.net/4-foundations-of-recovery.html
786 859 4050

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Sometimes gratitude is easy. Life is flowing along and it feels like your cup ‘runneth over’, so to speak. Other times, challenges build up and seem to overshadow the reasons to be grateful. Yet, just as happiness is an inside job, so, too, is gratitude! Any thought we have in our heads can be turned around and seen in the bright light of gratitude. And when we are willing to engage in the gratitude habit, life becomes a brighter, lighter experience.

If your life is feeling difficult right now and you are trying to find things to be grateful for, take a look at the checklist below. Perhaps not all of your answers to the questions below will be yes. But check off the ones that are and see how many more of your own you can add. Remember, in this exercise, the key is to keep your eye on what you have to be grateful for. So if something does NOT apply, try to find something else in that category that does.

If you cannot, go to the next question and keep reading and checking off those you DO have to grateful. Then add more of your own. Being grateful is like plugging into the power of the universe. Every grateful thought we think, every grateful feeling we have, energizes us and empowers us to enjoy our moments, hours and days on this planet more and more. This moment is all we have. Let’s choose to live it in gratitude and enjoy! Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

What Do You Have To Be Grateful For? A Thanksgiving Questionaire/Survey

Instructions: The following is a Yes/No Questionaire. Before you begin, take a slow deep breath in and hold it and slowly and gently let it out. Do your best to be open to the possible yes’s on this sheet. Read each one separately, allow it to inform you about what you may have to be grateful for through it and move on to the next one. Some are easier to answer. Some are more difficult.

The simple and more obvious ones come first. Don’t skip them or take them for granted. The simplest things for you, like being able to use a keyboard for instance, can be the most difficult for someone else. As you absorb the idea that things like waking up in the morning and having teeth to brush are worth being thankful for, allow yourself not only to answer yes, but to FEEL the gratitude you have for these everyday treasures that truly can be seen as miracles.

Then as you get to some that you may find more difficult, continuing to breathe in and out slowly and meditatively, you are invited to be willing to consider the gifts that some of the challenging circumstances in your life may be presenting to you. As you add to your gratitude list at the end of this exercise, you may find yourself adding things you didn’t even realize you could find anything to be grateful about! Allow yourself to open up to gratitude. It is truly transformative.

And, to learn more about how to make gratitude a transformative mainstay in YOUR life, send me your name and email address and I will send you my Build The Gratitude Habit report free of charge. It will give you a daily exercise you can do that will increase your gratitude AND your reasons to be grateful just by doing it everyday.

Here is the checklist!

1. Did you wake up this morning?
2. Were you able to see when you opened your eyes?
3. Were you able to stretch any part of your body (your whole body or your arms or your legs)?
4. Were you sleeping on a bed?
5. Did you have a sheet and or blanket covering you during the night?
6. Were you wearing a night shirt or pj’s to keep you warm (if you wanted to)?
7. Did you have something available to eat when you woke up?
8. Was the sun shining outside and/or was there snow on the ground and/or was it raining outside?
9. Did you have a bathroom available to use?
10. When you counted your fingers and toes this morning were they all there?
11. Are you finding yourself able to breathe?
12. When you turned on your computer this morning did it work?
13. Is your electricity working?
14. If it is cold outside, do you have heat today?
15. Is there at least one person in this world who you care about?
16. Is there at least one person in this world who cares about you?
17. Is there a place nearby where you can take a walk, or if you are in a wheelchair, is there a place outside where you can go for a stroll in your chair?
18. Do you have access to a phone or email?
19. Do you have Internet access?
20. Are there phone or in-person meetings you can go to this Thanksgiving if you are alone?
21. Is there a book you haven’t read yet that you could get your hands on today and enjoy?
22. Is there a child you love that you could call on the phone and say hello to?
23. Is there someone in your neighborhood or calling range who could use a hello who you could reach out to so they will have a better Thanksgiving Day?
24. If you have to work today, will you have the opportunity to smile at, enjoy, and delight others who you come in contact with?
25. If you are alone today, is there someone you can reach out to in friendship, kindness, or love?
26. If you are alone today, can you for a moment at least, enjoy the stillness, the quiet time, the peace?
27. If you are cooking for a whole lot of people, can you enjoy the opportunity to bring your attitude of gratitude and your joy of recovery to those you love, not through telling them about it, but just through your state of being?
28. If you are exceptionally tired right now, can you feel that exhaustion and know it is a sign of being very much alive and a part of this world?
29. If you have people you’ve lost, can you feel the gratitude for what they gave you during your time together?
30. If you have people in your life who are alive but caught in the throes of addiction, can you think of a happy time you shared or of something you love about them regardless of their habit, and be grateful for that?
31. If so many things are going right in your life, but something really big is very wrong and it’s shaken your world, can you acknowledge that thing, breathe through it, know it is there, and spend at least a few moments whenever you can to put your focus on the things that are going right?
32. Do you have a pet you love or did you have one who brought you joy that you can remember in gladness and gratitude for the gifts he or she gave you?
32. Can you think of at least five other things to be grateful for today? (start by thinking of your five senses and go from there)

Feel free to send me your list of 5 things you are grateful for! And again, send for my FREE Gratitude Habit Builder report today by sending me a note at recoverycoachbev@theempowermentcoach.net or by responding to this post on Contact Us above!

All the best to you and yours on this Thanksgiving Day and Always!

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC, LTPT
Family Recovery Coach
Author of the forthcoming book: The Four Foundations of Family Recovery: Simple Ideas to Transform Chaos to Sanity
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
786 859 4050

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