Recently I received this post from a reader:

Dear Bev, after being married to an alchoholic for 20 years, I got divorced, I met a wonderful man I was dating for almost 5 years. We only saw each other on the weekends. As we became closer it became clear he is also an alchoholic and partier & to top it off his 2 adult children are drug users. I am devistated. I feel duped and stupid. How did I miss the signs this time? – Feeling betrayed…

Dear Betrayed,

First of all, thank you so much for your note and question. Your willingness to put out there the exact dilemma that so many ex-spouses of alcoholics/addicts face will help many others better understand the seeming insanity of what has happened to you.

Many people who marry an active addict the first time around often find an equally dysfunctional person the second time around (and in some cases the 3rd, 4th, and 5th time as well…).

So, what is that about and what does this have to do with the 3rd Key to Sanity: Developing Loving Relationships with Others?

Everyday of our lives, we are bombarded with images of what the ideal mate looks like, talks like, acts like. We see, on television and in the movies, people with perfect bodies, perfect jobs, perfect smiles, and lots and lots of money and we see what they have as what we really want, but yet, the only place we see life playing out like that is on fictionalized shows and in movies. We may go to church, temple, mosque or synagogue and get a different perspective on what good and perfect mean and begin to develop ideals that compete with those of the media and culture around us.

Then, deep inside of us are the tapes we’ve been playing since our childhood of what we are worth, who we deserve, what we can get in life and what kind of life we will live. If our parents were dysfunctional in anyway and/or if they abused us emotionally or physically, we carry those tapes of being less than. If we were sexually abused by anyone, in our family or outside of our family, we carry those tapes of shame and unworthiness.

When we look for a mate initially, we carry all of these competing views of ourselves and others along for the search. Unless we have developed a very strong relationship with a Higher Power along with a very healthy, sense of self and a relationship with ourselves that consciously and subconsciously knows what is best for us and will accept nothing less than that, chances are, our choices may have been less than ideal. Then, once we have a marriage, we begin to think of ourselves in certain ways and to see our lives in certain ways based on what we experience in relation to our mate. And if that mate is an active alcoholic/addict, we may feel extremely isolated, confused, lonely, and afraid. How did this person who we loved so much turn into such a_________________ (you fill in the blank- monster, meanie,etc.)

So, there we are in a marriage with another person who at first appeared to be very much in sync with who/what we wanted in life, but now, as we look deeper, has lots of issues that we have no idea how to cope with. Being stuck like that, many of us put the dysfunctional coping mechanisms we learned at home into place. We cry, sulk, scream and yell to get them to behave better toward us. When these don’t work, we ignore, get bitter, put our interests and energy elsewhere, and, if we don’t have the means or guts to GET OUT, or if our religious beliefs encourage us to stick it out NO MATTER WHAT, we ENDURE.

Perhaps you can relate to that scenario. Your story may be quite different. If possible, find a piece of it that works for you and stay with me here.

So, after awhile, six months, six years, 12 years, 20 years, 35 years later, you change your mind. You are done enduring and decide to get the heck out of this unendurable marriage and start over. So you do. Maybe your spouse did the unspeakable: cheated on you, and that was your breaking point. Or maybe after the 16th time they cheated on you, you realized this was not going to get better and you left. Or maybe they left you for the other woman/man. Anyway, you get the picture. The marriage is OVER, done, finished.

You are out on your own, finally out from under the thumb of this person who “made you so miserable.”

Now what?

For many who find themselves in this position, it’s lonely! Even though the marriage was lonely, someone was at least THERE. There was a warm body on the other side of the bed or in the next room and not everything about the marriage was bad, etc., etc., …Of course, not everyone is that upset. The freedom can be intoxicating! the chance to meet others and have a good time is grand.

But now what?

All of the above is written to set the scenario for meeting partner #2. After whatever amount of time you have taken to ‘get over’ the last one, you begin to look for your next mate. Perhaps you hardly have to look at all and they find you…or perhaps you spend years looking. Either way, the hunt is on.

Finally, you meet. Certain that this time will be different, you find someone who is not an alcoholic, not an addict, not a…the list goes on. Or so you think. So you get together to live happily ever after. Sometimes the honeymoon lasts weeks, sometimes years. But eventually, it comes out: They may not be an alcoholic, but they may instead take pills or have a sex addiction or a gambling addiction. And there you are again in your own new version of the same Hell you endured the last time around…or maybe something even worse…

What went wrong?

The reason Key 3: Developing Relationships with Other People comes 3rd and not 1st, is that without good strong inner work on ourselves, our relationships with others will often come up short. What I’m saying here is that the relationships we have with others are much more about us than about them! and the kinds of people we choose to have in our lives are also much more about us than about them!

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that life with an alcoholic or addict is easy. I’m not saying that if you aren’t yet married and you find that your partner is deeply troubled (sex addict, drug addict, gambler, alcoholic, etc.) you shouldn’t run as fast and as far as you can.

What I am saying is that when you look at who you are involved with, who your friends are or aren’t (if you don’t have any), or who you choose to end up with as a partner, the most important person in the relationship vis-a-vis these choices can be found right in your own mirror.

So, what does this all mean?

As shared at the beginning of this post, all kinds of outside input from society, school, friends, and parents, contribute to how we see ourselves and what we think we are worthy of in life. When we really want the perfect mate, but on some level feel we aren’t worthy of him or her, the feelings will often win out. Getting our insides congruent with our outsides, our feelings congruent with our desires, is one piece of the puzzle of finding the right person. Jerry and Esther Hicks write about this in all of their books about the Law of Attraction.

Another key to becoming congruent on the level of feeling, is to do the deeper work of healing the sorrow of a less than perfect childhood and unhappy1st marriage. This can be approached through therapy, 12 step work, parts work, voice dialogue, and/or other emotional healing modalities.

Life choices happen on so many levels, many of which are below the surface of our conscious awareness. Once we are in a difficult situation, it can be much more difficult and complicated to get out of it than it was to get into it in the first place.

For those who are not yet involved in a first or second dysfunctional relationship, yet have a history of family dysfunction behind them, the best advice is to do the inner work first. I remember being given that advice and feeling too anxious to get my life moving toward the future, marriage, kids, etc… Maybe you remember that feeling too?

But wherever you are planted, it is never too late to begin the inner work of healing. The 12 Keys of Sanity which culminate in Key 12 “Being a Loving Mirror” provide a series of recovery principles designed to help you see yourself as the person you need to change in your life in order to make your life better! This may be a harsh pill to swallow, but it is true.

For some, these principles alone provide a good foundation. For others, the support of others is crucial…This can come in the form of a recovery coach to help you move in the direction of your dreams while looking honestly at what is going on in your present life that you may want/need to look at in order to get there!
For others, who have experienced severe trauma or distress, the help of a coach can be supplemented by that of a therapist.

Many find help in a group setting. There are Alanon and Naranon meetings all over the country and all over the world. Once you start going, get a sponsor and begin the 12 steps of recovery, where tremendous healing can be found. I work the steps daily and have found tremendous strength and healing in them. But for me and many others, more help was needed.

To add to your recovery by combining the help of a group with that of a coach, feel free to join a Loving Mirror Coaching Group. For 12 weeks, you will gain the insights and professional guidance of a Family Recovery Coach, along with the support of a group of others who have decided to take the lead in their lives in learning how to improve their relationship with themselves and the others in their lives. It’s an inexpensive way to have both a coach and a support group, all in one and the meetings are as close as your phone! A new group starts tomorrow, Wednesday, 8-3-11 at 8 PM ET. To learn more, click here.

So, dear reader, there you are with your boyfriend of five years who turns out to be a drinker, a partier and the parent of 2 adult drug addicts. Only you can decide if you have hit the jackpot in a negative or positive way. Only you can decide if your best bet is to cut your losses and GET OUT or to stick around and play the song again.

If you decide to stay, if you do the INNER work, this time CAN be different. That may mean he will decide to get well due to your example OR it may mean your interests will become so blatantly dissimilar, that one or both of you may leave the relationship.

If you decide to leave, AND are willing to let go of relationships for awhile while you do the INNER work, next time CAN be different!

If you simply keep blaming this whole repeat performance on the OTHERS, chances are, you WILL keep bringing dysfunctional people into your life – to repeat the performance again and again….and only once you realize that the only constant in the play of dysfunctional people in and out of your life is YOU, will you start to decide it is time to begin an inner journey of your own.

By building a relationship with yourself first, your chance at building a great relationship with others will be greatly enhanced.

If I can be of further help to you on your journey, give me a call and we can set up a time to talk further.

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

When you first found out your addict was using, there was pain.
When you tried again and again to make your addict stop, there was pain.
When you realized, finally, that you could do nothing about it, more pain still.

And then there is the pain of truly letting go. The painful sensations that are often felt in the body, when you work so hard to let go of old behaviors that no longer serve. Behaviors like:
1. flushing the pills down the toilet
2. chasing your loved one around the neighborhood, checking to see where they are late at night and into the early morning
3. staying up all night waiting for them to get home
4. calling repeatedly until they pick up their phone to let you know they are alive only to yell at you or call you a name for interrupting their life with your incessant worry…

These behaviors have become addictive, and yet, go they must if you are to truly recover from the family disease of co-addiction.

So what do you do about the pain? That emotional feeling of loss and hopelessness that you have to face when you know that everything you have been doing has been in vain. That physical feeling of emptiness that you have to feel as you let go of the old ways of doing things.

Do you eat over it? Have a drink to wash it away? Gamble away a day’s pay? Shop til you drop?

Or, do you decide that this time you are going to sit and feel it, feel the pain, go deep into it, ask yourself when in the past you have experienced something like this and keep exploring, deeper and deeper into the root of the feelings of loss and desparation within you that you have attributed to the addict and his or her problems?

When my husband went into treatment 24 years ago, I was left alone for 30 days to ponder the state of my life. I remember feeling a deep chasm of emptiness which I attributed to his absence. One day, during that long string of days, I was sitting, feeling my pain, when suddenly it hit me. That pain had nothing to do with him! It wasn’t a new pain. I had felt it before upon the break up with an old boyfriend and before that when a friend betrayed me and before that when a cousin hurt me. As I got my courage up, I looked further and further back at that pain and found that I was attaching feelings of loss that were as old as I was, to each new experience of loss along my life’s journey. Seen in that light, the pain lifted somewhat. It was still there, but I was able to feel it without as much content as I had given it before. In other words, I could see it as unresolved feelings that I could take ownership of rather than as something else to blame on my addict.

Willingness to feel the pain thus became liberating.

When I am willing to look my pain in the eye, I am able to detach from whatever the situation is that is triggering it, and dive into my feelings. That act alone puts me on the healing path. When I am not able or willing to do so, I find things to distract myself from the pain, only to find it coming up again in another situation “caused” by another person, place or thing.

Are you willing to feel your pain?

If not now, when?

As ever,

Coach Bev

Bev Buncher, MA, CEC
Family Recovery Coach
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
786 859 4050

When the addict is a spouse, a lover or a friend, there is this inexplicable attachment to a person who keeps doing the wrong thing. They act badly and yet, you keep coming back again and again for more. When you confide your situation to others they ask: Why do you stay? “I love him/her” you answer. And a part of you believes that, while another part of you knows that you are as addicted to the addict as the addict is to the drink or fix.

When the addict is your child (whether 16 or 60) you may find yourself helping him or her again and again though the help doesn’t seem to do anything but keep them alive and using their drug of choice. Sobriety seems like the last thing they want or can attain, and yet, you keep giving them the money they need to survive (so they can use all they have for their drug).

Whether it is love or addiction, being with an addict can be all-consuming, but it doesn’t have to be. And in fact, when it isn’t, your ability to help the addict actually increases.

So, it is possible to get your life back, regardless of whether the addict decides to stop using or not. The only question is how?

For one thing, remember the four foundations of family recovery: self-care, being a loving person, setting boundaries, and getting support.

Self care, in particular, can help you get your life back. Self care is key to getting your life back because it takes the addict out of the center of your awareness. Once you begin taking care of yourself, feeling healthy, calm and fit can become a positive addiction. You may take up jogging, swimming, or taking a power walk everyday. All of these activities can help you clear your mind and relax. Every moment spent focusing on a positive, healthy activity or outlet for your energy is time spent letting go of your obsession with the addict.

Make a list of all the things in your life you have been neglecting, from eating healthy, to going to the dentist, to having a yearly physical, to taking a walk, to having fun with friends regularly. Choose one or two this week to add to your life. Continue to add one each week, until you find yourself taking personal responsibility for your own health and well-being.

Untangling your life from that of an addict doesn’t necessarily mean leaving the addict. It does however, mean leaving behind the addictive aspect of your relationship to your addict.Come back to the blog in a day or two to learn about how being a loving person can help you get your life back!

Coach Bev
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC
786 859 4050
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
www.intherooms.com
www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com

Members of the family group are coming from all over the state and even the continent! Our couples speakers hail from Canada this year!

This year’s Naranon convention will have two tracks:

Track One is a Step Workshop: Travel through Steps One to Twelve. Go through all 12 steps, the heart of the program. By the end of this workshop, you will have experienced and worked on steps 1-9 (the growth steps) and be ready to live in steps 10-12 (also known as the maintenance steps or the living steps). Though you still may have some additional work to do at home, you will also have gained skills that will allow you to take a newcomer through the steps, a skill that will help you help others as well as yourself. You will be given a notebook and pen for your work or may bring your own laptop or writing tools. If you plan to come to this track, please RSVP to SESHGROUP@hotmail.com so that the organizers can make sure there are enough materials for you (notebooks, handouts, etc.)

Track Two is a series of Nar-anon Meetings built around the conference theme of Pathways to Serenity: Find out how Nar-anon can take you from chaos to serenity by learning about and sharing your experience, strength, and hope on the topics of the slogans, sponsorship, detachment, the steps, the tools and the serenity prayer. The conference will be held at the Bahia Mar Hotel on Las Olas Beach in Fort Lauderdale. If you are related to or affected by an addict, you are invited. Registration is $15 at the door. Here are some more details if you would like to attend:

“PATHWAYS TO SERENITY”
MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND CONVENTION
MAY 28-30, 2010
WHERE: Bahia Mar Beach Resort
801 Seabreeze Blvd, Fort Lauderdale, FL 33316
Directions: From I-95 head east on Sunrise Blvd
to A1A, turn right/south to Hotel 2.5 miles on right at the overpass

~In addition to regular scheduled recovery meetings,
there will be an opportunity to participate in a weekend long
12 step workshop and an 18 & Under Meeting~
www.Nar-Anon.org

For additional information or to RSVP for the step workshop: contact SESHGROUP@hotmail.com or call
Erin 954-554-9544, Robyn 954-258-1771, or Karen 954-709-1630

For information on NA’s GCCNA convention and activities please see:

http://www.sfrna.org

See you there!

Coach Bev

Do you know why you are here? What your own specific life purpose truly is?

Isn’t it time you found out?

If you think there is more and have been looking in all the wrong places, that doesn’t mean there isn’t more. There is!
Knowing your unique life purpose and gaining the skills to manifest it is about as cool as life gets!

To help you do so, I’m offering a nine week teleseminar called

True Purpose: Life Purpose in Recovery.

Take this course and take YOUR recovery to the next level and beyond!

Learn more at:

http://www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com/2010/05/more-details-about-upcoming-life.html

Warning: This course is for people who already have some recovery under their belt. To find out if you qualify, take the survey listed on my life purpose in recovery blog (see above) or give me a call at 786 859 4050.

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA CEC
Family Recovery Coach
www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
786 859 4050

And remember to call for a complimentary consult if you are looking for help finding your purpose or with the addiction issues of a relative or a friend or with your own recovery from a substance or behavior of your own.

In this post, let’s look at what can be done to fill that hole positively, so it becomes unnecessary to do so with negative behaviors or substances.

In past posts, we have looked at working the steps and therapy. In this blog, let’s take a look at medication, recovery coaching and my personal favorite, True Purpose Coaching, which allows a client to find the contribution they personally are meant to make in the world.

In some cases, medication is necessary. To avoid or be unwilling to take medication on principle, can be a great mistake if this is what is needed to keep one from relapsing or switching addictions. It’s not about the substance, remember, these are just symptoms. If the steps and therapy can’t go deeply enough to help one work through one’s issues, then further help is needed, and that help may be medication combined with therapy or coaching.

Hiring a recovery coach can actually help tremendously. Recovery coaches can help an addict or co-addict get ready to get help they previously felt unready to get by starting where the addict or co-addict is. Using a strengths based model, the coach sees the client as someone who is healthy at their core and helps the client to build on their intrinsic strengths and successes in their recovery process. Family recovery coaching does the same thing for family members who often feel beaten down and hopeless as a result of trying for so long to help their addicts get well. By keeping the focus on the client’s strengths and successes, the coach helps the client increase the presence of positives in their life. Recovery coaches (see www.recoverycoaching.org ) are specially trained to apply coaching principles to the specialized issues that addicts and their families have been through. Their ability to understand both the coaching field and the specific challenges that addiction and recovery bring make them invaluable to many an addict and their family.

A specific method of coaching that specifically addresses the issue of addiction switching and approaching relapse in those who find themselves on the brink, as well as the need for those who are relatively successful in their recovery to grow to new heights of meaning and joy, is called True Purpose Coaching. I have been using this successfully with a variety of clients, including addicts, co-addicts and those not touched by addiction, and have found it to be truly transformative with all three groups.

True Purpose Coaching, developed by Tim Kelley and outlined in his book True Purpose:12 Strategies for Discovering the Difference You Are Meant to Make teaches clients a method of directly and regularly accessing a reliable two way communication with a Higher Power of their own choosing. (for more information or to order the book go to http://www.kickstartcart.com/app/?af=1043560 ). The method that clients learn provides a means to get reliable detailed information about one’s own life purpose and gives them the ability to gain the type of spiritual relationship the Big Book refers to in step 11 and to access it regularly and systematically. In other words, it allows clients to have constant, ‘conscious contact’ with the God of their understanding and to use that relationship to find out God’s will on a daily basis, without having to search for clues from the environment or wait for intuitive hunches.

My personal experience with finding my own purpose and helping my clients find theirs has been that it is completely transformative in that it opens a channel to inner understanding and purposeful living that greatly lessens the need to fill up with negative or self-destructive behaviors. Working with purpose clients has actually become my greatest joy as a coach since I see clients move from confusion to peace and a strong sense of direction as their purpose unfolds before their eyes and their ability to connect to their inner wisdom increases exponentially.

In fact, when life purpose enters the recovering person’s life, the need to switch addictions all but vanishes and opportunities for a richer, fuller life appear more and more frequently. This method works best with people who have time in recovery, have done work on themselves, and are looking for more to enhance or improve their lives. It is powerful and it works.

For more information on True Purpose and/or Recovery Coaching drop me a line through the Contact Us form above and let’s set up a complimentary session to explore the possibilities.

Until then,

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC
Family Recovery Coach
aka The Empowerment Coach
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
www.intherooms.com

http://www.kickstartcart.com/app/?af=1043560

As reported in walesonline, steroids use is up a whopping 20% among teenage boys in Wales.  The recent spike has been attributed to online sales of steroids, which has made it more accessible and easier to obtain for young men in Wales.  However, the news source also reported that a lot of unknown substances are being consumed by Wales’ youths as 40% of what is being sold online as steroids, in fact, is not.  A survey conducted by Professor Bruce Davies, of the University of Glamorgan, showed that steroids use among muscle gyms in the “Valleys” has soared from 53% in 2001 to 70% in 2006.

In the article, the reporter interviews a 24-year-old bouncer from Bridgend who uses anabolic steroids because he says he is addicted to being big.  In reference to the current epidemic of steroids use among young men in Wales, the bouncer commented: “I’ve noticed over the last two to three years that more and more boys are taking anabolic steroids and they are getting younger, sometimes just 16.”  The reality is that Steroids are an addictive and dangerous illegal drug that is detrimental to the user’s health.

It also goes without saying that Wales faces a serious problem controlling the obtainment of steroids over the internet.  Perhaps prevention education at the primary school level may be the answer as most cases of youth steroids abuse stem from psychological problems such as social disorders and identity/self-image issues.

A recently published study by leading experts in steroids abuse at the Harvard Medical School found that people with conduct disorders are more likely to abuse anabolic steroids. The conduct disorders specifically cited in the study were “the juvenile version of antisocial disorder, and body image disorder is an unhealthy obsession with the size and appearance of one’s body,” according to the online addition of the Harvard Crimson.

The results of the steroids study were compiled from 134 interviews with weight lifters that were categorized into one of three groups: “non-steroid users, steroid users with no dependence, and steroids users that had developed dependence,” wrote Harvard Crimson. According to the main author of the study, professor Harrison G. Pope, “Steroids are a fairly new phenomenon in the drug abuse scene,” adding, “Science is only now beginning to answer many questions about the effects, especially the long-term effects.”

Additionally, the study published in the “Drug and Alcohol Dependence journal,” also concluded that most people in the study that fell into the last category, of “steroids users that had developed dependence,” shared similar traits like being from a single-parent home, having family members with an addiction, and no college degree.

Thus, it seems that kids already considered at risk for the above mentioned factors, in conjunction with antisocial and body-image related antisocial disorders, are more prone to turn to steroids abuse to resolve their unresolved emotional and psychological problems. It also seems that the likelihood is increased because of the lack of steroid abuse, prevention education available to teens, because “Steroids are a fairly new phenomenon in the drug abuse scene,” as professor Pope cited.

The Researchers whom conducted the steroids study intend on continuing their investigation to find out long-term risk factors and effects of steroids. Addressing the next step, professor Harrison G. Pope said: “Doctors know a lot about alcohol problems and addiction to profitable street drugs, but they know little about anabolic steroids, they’re poorly understood.” The professor added, “This is an area where [the scientific community] needs to be educated as this problem comes over the horizon.”