12 Step Family

Dear Coach Bev,
I’d like to start the 12 step program. What do I do?
Signed,
Silvia

Dear Silvia,
So glad you asked that question – especially today as we come to the end of our focus on Key 3: Developing Relationships with Others! I developed the 12 keys to provide my students, coachees, and readers with 12 recovery principles to help them move in the direction of Being a Loving Mirror. And, I started the 12 Keys with the three relationships (that which you have with God, self and others) as I believe these relationships are the key to inner peace.

Actually, I wrote the first three keys to sanity to emphasize the importance of developing these three relationships, which the 12 steps of recovery show you, in detail, how to put into practice. In fact, I see the 12 steps as a roadmap for developing all three relationships, for those who are ready to pick up the map and follow it. And the keys are designed as an introduction and/or enhancement to these powerful steps of recovery. You can use both sets of principles along the recovery path! They truly compliment each other. But back to the steps…

If you want to get involved with a 12 step program, first thing you want to do is figure out which one you are qualified for. In other words, what is your addiction? is it to a person? a drug? a drink? food? sex and love?

You can find a list of many of the 12 step programs along with their websites and phone numbers by clicking here. If you don’t find your program on this list, do an Internet search that describes the substance or behavior you are addicted to and if there is a 12 step program for that. For instance, if you are a messy person, look up Clutterers Anonymous on the Internet. If the issue is debt, look up Debtors Anonymous, etc.

Once you determine which program is the best one for you, contact that program and get a meeting list. Most list meetings on their website. There are in person meetings, phone meetings, online meetings, and video chat meetings.

In the Rooms (www.intherooms.com) offers lots of support for people in many of the 12 step programs, lists of meetings, recorded meetings to listen to, and online chat meetings. There are over 165,000 recovering people who belong to in the rooms. It is actually the largest social network for people in recovery in the world! So that could be a very good place to start.

So, let’s say you find your meeting and start going. Each time you are at the meeting, listen to the shares of the people there. When you hear someone share, whose life and message exemplify the way you would like to live your recovery, you can ask them to be your sponsor. It could take you awhile to find this person. In the meantime, you can just get to know people in the meetings, share phone numbers and make new recovery friends. You can even ask for someone to be your temporary sponsor, to help you get started until you find the sponsor you are looking for. Once you do find a sponsor, temporary or permanent, they will take you through the 12 steps, which are the heart of the 12 step programs. This is called “working the steps”.

In order to help you work the steps, there is lots of literature out there. You can find a lot of it ONLINE for FREE! For instance, the entire text of Alcoholics Anonymous (the original 12 step program) is online FOR FREE for you to download.Click here to see it. It’s called the Big Book of AA and it’s got tremendous wisdom as well as a step by step guide to working the steps that works for any program you are in. But it’s preferable to work the steps with a guide rather than on your own. There are many people out there to help you. Find one and get started!

Working the steps is a term you will hear a lot in the 12 step programs. Basically, it means, working with another person in recovery, called a sponsor, who will help you understand and work through the principles of the program that are contained in the steps. This usually involves a lot of discussion, writing, thinking, prayer and meditation. It is a powerful, life changing process that has the power to help you make a shift to a much more positive, life-affirming mindset. Don’t allow what I just wrote to put you off! You can do it at your own pace and in your own time. And, not everyone does it exactly. The thing is, working the steps is what brings about lasting recovery, which brings me to my next point…

Lots of people think the meetings are the program, or the slogans are the program (Keep coming back; one day at a time; first things first; THINK; etc.), or the literature is the program. To me, more than anything else, the steps are the program. The 12 steps are, to me, the distillation of all of the wisdom traditions of the world and of the ages. By the time I had entered the rooms 35 years ago, I had already begun studying various religions and could see that the steps were made up of the deepest core of that wisdom, the stuff that all of the various traditions have in common!

In 12 sentences, a person whose life is shattered in one or more areas, is offered the opportunity to do the following:
1. find out what they do and don’t have power over in their life
2. discover a Higher Power who can help them sanely deal with the things they’re powerless over
3.decide to surrender the things that matter to them to that Higher Power
4. take inventory of their own attitudes, words, feelings, thoughts and behaviors
5. share that honestly with another person
6. become willing to give up their character flaws
7. ask for spiritual help to get rid of those flaws
8. list the people they’ve harmed and become willing to make amends to them all
9. make amends unless doing so would hurt someone else.
Steps 10 to 12 are the steps that make the process a daily habit in that the newly recovered person proceeds to work at living honestly and spiritually one day at a time and helping others overcome their challenges.

This process of trusting God, cleaning house, and helping others, has, for over 50 years, been helping those affected by their own or someone else’s addiction, bringing sanity and serenity back into their previously tattered and torn lives.
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Everytime someone enters a meeting and admits they cannot do it alone, they begin the journey of working the steps, of putting their life back in order and of, ultimately, helping another person to do the same. It’s a chain of love and kindness, passed along from one wounded person to another, healing both people’s wounds in the process of the work they do together.

If you think you could benefit from this work, what are you waiting for? Check out the list of different 12 step programs by clicking here, find the one that is right for you and get to a meeting!

You don’t have to be alone anymore and you don’t have to search for a secret to the happiness, joy and freedom you have been seeking! It’s been here all along in the 12 steps of recovery.

Enjoy the weekend Silvia and let me know how your first meeting goes!

Best,

Coach Bev

–
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post will is the first in a month-long series that will post on Developing Relationships with Others.

Recently I received this post from a reader:

Dear Bev, after being married to an alchoholic for 20 years, I got divorced, I met a wonderful man I was dating for almost 5 years. We only saw each other on the weekends. As we became closer it became clear he is also an alchoholic and partier & to top it off his 2 adult children are drug users. I am devistated. I feel duped and stupid. How did I miss the signs this time? – Feeling betrayed…

Dear Betrayed,

First of all, thank you so much for your note and question. Your willingness to put out there the exact dilemma that so many ex-spouses of alcoholics/addicts face will help many others better understand the seeming insanity of what has happened to you.

Many people who marry an active addict the first time around often find an equally dysfunctional person the second time around (and in some cases the 3rd, 4th, and 5th time as well…).

So, what is that about and what does this have to do with the 3rd Key to Sanity: Developing Loving Relationships with Others?

Everyday of our lives, we are bombarded with images of what the ideal mate looks like, talks like, acts like. We see, on television and in the movies, people with perfect bodies, perfect jobs, perfect smiles, and lots and lots of money and we see what they have as what we really want, but yet, the only place we see life playing out like that is on fictionalized shows and in movies. We may go to church, temple, mosque or synagogue and get a different perspective on what good and perfect mean and begin to develop ideals that compete with those of the media and culture around us.

Then, deep inside of us are the tapes we’ve been playing since our childhood of what we are worth, who we deserve, what we can get in life and what kind of life we will live. If our parents were dysfunctional in anyway and/or if they abused us emotionally or physically, we carry those tapes of being less than. If we were sexually abused by anyone, in our family or outside of our family, we carry those tapes of shame and unworthiness.

When we look for a mate initially, we carry all of these competing views of ourselves and others along for the search. Unless we have developed a very strong relationship with a Higher Power along with a very healthy, sense of self and a relationship with ourselves that consciously and subconsciously knows what is best for us and will accept nothing less than that, chances are, our choices may have been less than ideal. Then, once we have a marriage, we begin to think of ourselves in certain ways and to see our lives in certain ways based on what we experience in relation to our mate. And if that mate is an active alcoholic/addict, we may feel extremely isolated, confused, lonely, and afraid. How did this person who we loved so much turn into such a_________________ (you fill in the blank- monster, meanie,etc.)

So, there we are in a marriage with another person who at first appeared to be very much in sync with who/what we wanted in life, but now, as we look deeper, has lots of issues that we have no idea how to cope with. Being stuck like that, many of us put the dysfunctional coping mechanisms we learned at home into place. We cry, sulk, scream and yell to get them to behave better toward us. When these don’t work, we ignore, get bitter, put our interests and energy elsewhere, and, if we don’t have the means or guts to GET OUT, or if our religious beliefs encourage us to stick it out NO MATTER WHAT, we ENDURE.

Perhaps you can relate to that scenario. Your story may be quite different. If possible, find a piece of it that works for you and stay with me here.

So, after awhile, six months, six years, 12 years, 20 years, 35 years later, you change your mind. You are done enduring and decide to get the heck out of this unendurable marriage and start over. So you do. Maybe your spouse did the unspeakable: cheated on you, and that was your breaking point. Or maybe after the 16th time they cheated on you, you realized this was not going to get better and you left. Or maybe they left you for the other woman/man. Anyway, you get the picture. The marriage is OVER, done, finished.

You are out on your own, finally out from under the thumb of this person who “made you so miserable.”

Now what?

For many who find themselves in this position, it’s lonely! Even though the marriage was lonely, someone was at least THERE. There was a warm body on the other side of the bed or in the next room and not everything about the marriage was bad, etc., etc., …Of course, not everyone is that upset. The freedom can be intoxicating! the chance to meet others and have a good time is grand.

But now what?

All of the above is written to set the scenario for meeting partner #2. After whatever amount of time you have taken to ‘get over’ the last one, you begin to look for your next mate. Perhaps you hardly have to look at all and they find you…or perhaps you spend years looking. Either way, the hunt is on.

Finally, you meet. Certain that this time will be different, you find someone who is not an alcoholic, not an addict, not a…the list goes on. Or so you think. So you get together to live happily ever after. Sometimes the honeymoon lasts weeks, sometimes years. But eventually, it comes out: They may not be an alcoholic, but they may instead take pills or have a sex addiction or a gambling addiction. And there you are again in your own new version of the same Hell you endured the last time around…or maybe something even worse…

What went wrong?

The reason Key 3: Developing Relationships with Other People comes 3rd and not 1st, is that without good strong inner work on ourselves, our relationships with others will often come up short. What I’m saying here is that the relationships we have with others are much more about us than about them! and the kinds of people we choose to have in our lives are also much more about us than about them!

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that life with an alcoholic or addict is easy. I’m not saying that if you aren’t yet married and you find that your partner is deeply troubled (sex addict, drug addict, gambler, alcoholic, etc.) you shouldn’t run as fast and as far as you can.

What I am saying is that when you look at who you are involved with, who your friends are or aren’t (if you don’t have any), or who you choose to end up with as a partner, the most important person in the relationship vis-a-vis these choices can be found right in your own mirror.

So, what does this all mean?

As shared at the beginning of this post, all kinds of outside input from society, school, friends, and parents, contribute to how we see ourselves and what we think we are worthy of in life. When we really want the perfect mate, but on some level feel we aren’t worthy of him or her, the feelings will often win out. Getting our insides congruent with our outsides, our feelings congruent with our desires, is one piece of the puzzle of finding the right person. Jerry and Esther Hicks write about this in all of their books about the Law of Attraction.

Another key to becoming congruent on the level of feeling, is to do the deeper work of healing the sorrow of a less than perfect childhood and unhappy1st marriage. This can be approached through therapy, 12 step work, parts work, voice dialogue, and/or other emotional healing modalities.

Life choices happen on so many levels, many of which are below the surface of our conscious awareness. Once we are in a difficult situation, it can be much more difficult and complicated to get out of it than it was to get into it in the first place.

For those who are not yet involved in a first or second dysfunctional relationship, yet have a history of family dysfunction behind them, the best advice is to do the inner work first. I remember being given that advice and feeling too anxious to get my life moving toward the future, marriage, kids, etc… Maybe you remember that feeling too?

But wherever you are planted, it is never too late to begin the inner work of healing. The 12 Keys of Sanity which culminate in Key 12 “Being a Loving Mirror” provide a series of recovery principles designed to help you see yourself as the person you need to change in your life in order to make your life better! This may be a harsh pill to swallow, but it is true.

For some, these principles alone provide a good foundation. For others, the support of others is crucial…This can come in the form of a recovery coach to help you move in the direction of your dreams while looking honestly at what is going on in your present life that you may want/need to look at in order to get there!
For others, who have experienced severe trauma or distress, the help of a coach can be supplemented by that of a therapist.

Many find help in a group setting. There are Alanon and Naranon meetings all over the country and all over the world. Once you start going, get a sponsor and begin the 12 steps of recovery, where tremendous healing can be found. I work the steps daily and have found tremendous strength and healing in them. But for me and many others, more help was needed.

To add to your recovery by combining the help of a group with that of a coach, feel free to join a Loving Mirror Coaching Group. For 12 weeks, you will gain the insights and professional guidance of a Family Recovery Coach, along with the support of a group of others who have decided to take the lead in their lives in learning how to improve their relationship with themselves and the others in their lives. It’s an inexpensive way to have both a coach and a support group, all in one and the meetings are as close as your phone! A new group starts tomorrow, Wednesday, 8-3-11 at 8 PM ET. To learn more, click here.

So, dear reader, there you are with your boyfriend of five years who turns out to be a drinker, a partier and the parent of 2 adult drug addicts. Only you can decide if you have hit the jackpot in a negative or positive way. Only you can decide if your best bet is to cut your losses and GET OUT or to stick around and play the song again.

If you decide to stay, if you do the INNER work, this time CAN be different. That may mean he will decide to get well due to your example OR it may mean your interests will become so blatantly dissimilar, that one or both of you may leave the relationship.

If you decide to leave, AND are willing to let go of relationships for awhile while you do the INNER work, next time CAN be different!

If you simply keep blaming this whole repeat performance on the OTHERS, chances are, you WILL keep bringing dysfunctional people into your life – to repeat the performance again and again….and only once you realize that the only constant in the play of dysfunctional people in and out of your life is YOU, will you start to decide it is time to begin an inner journey of your own.

By building a relationship with yourself first, your chance at building a great relationship with others will be greatly enhanced.

If I can be of further help to you on your journey, give me a call and we can set up a time to talk further.

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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When times get tough, this expression, “trudging the road of happy destiny” from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous keeps me going. It reminds me that we are not to expect nor are we expected to arrive at our destination instantaneously, nor is it always going to be pleasant, easy, or fun. Nor will we always be happy along the way, even though the destiny we have signed on for is a happy one. Sometimes it is a trudge. And we are not called to only do it when it’s easy or fun, but also when it is difficult, even exhausting…even when it feels like we are trudging.

And that is the paradox of recovery: We are on an endless journey that has brought us a sense of underlying happiness, but we are not always consciously connected to it. Yet, we know it is there for us, and that, in fact, that underlying sense of peace and wholeness is all around us anytime we choose to get into the moment and experience it. But we don’t always remember to do that…and so, we trudge.

Putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, sometimes becomes one hour or one moment at a time. There are times when I have to remind myself of the principles of recovery quite often to stay on track. And there are times when I get off track as well.

The good news is that the more days of being on track that I accumulate, the more I find myself being jolted when I get off track and the more I find my savings bank of “things to do instead of acting out” available to me so I can get back on track much more quickly than I used to.

Yes, sometimes being in recovery means trudging. And yet, I find even the days of trudging through recovery to be much better than the days of gliding through the disease.

How about you? Are you trudging these days? What ideas can you come up with to make the trudge into more of a glide? What have you learned to help yourself get back on track? What do you know about yourself, your disease and your recovery to help yourself rediscover serenity and sanity for another moment, hour, day?

Take a breath with me now, deep and slow, and let’s trudge together. It’s worth it, this journey. And so much better when there is someone to take it with. I hope this blog contributes to your sanity, but of course, when things get tough, it may not be enough.

Give me a call to set up a complimentary consult for a coaching session today or to reserve a space in my upcoming teleseminar The Four Foundations of Family Recovery: Simple Ideas to Transform Chaos to Sanity at 786 859 4050 . Or drop me an email at recoverycoachbev@theempowermentcoach.net for more information.

You and your recovery journey are worth it!

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC
Family Recovery Coach
Author of the forthcoming book The Four Foundations of Family Recovery: Simple Ideas to Transform Chaos to Sanity
Teacher of the forthcoming teleseminar by the same name (September 13 to October 18)
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
786 859 4050

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As recently as this morning, I had a meal. 2 eggs, a cup of fruit, 4 oz of oatmeal. I watched myself eat this meal and found myself go in and out of present moment awareness two or three times, despite the fact that I was not reading, talking, or watching TV.

In fact, the meal began ideally. I was sitting, savoring each bite, enjoying the colors of the food on the plate and the taste of the cinammon I’d sprinkled on the oatmeal and fruit. But, about have way through, I found myself engaging in an old habit: shoveling the food in to finish the meal as quickly as possible so I could go on to the next thing.

And suddenly, it hit me. I had been basically unconscious for about a third of the meal, and, with one third to go, I might be full – though I wasn’t certain this was true. So I stopped eating, took a breath, and relaxed. After a few moments, I realized I was still hungry and I completed the meal, once again enjoying each bite and simply being in the moment with my food.

To some of you this scenario may sound foreign or even a little ridiculous…

But, my guess is that some of you are like me, which means that from time to time (too often to keep count of) you inhale your food, and find yourself done eating before you know it.

Leaning how to let go of this unconscious form of eating and living, and helping others to do so as well has been the life work of Geneen Roth, author of many books, among them Women, Food, and God, which I happen to be reading these days.

Roth’s premise, as I understand it, is that the way we eat reflects the way we live and has much more to teach us than just how many calories it takes to add or reduce a pound. I remember skimming one of her other books years ago and being afraid of it. The freedom she espoused couldn’t work for me, I was sure. I saw it as ‘eat whatever you want whenever with no boundaries’ and that sounded to me like a sure recipe for a relapse.

But this time around, I found the part where the author explains that eating unlimited quantities is neither her path nor her recommendation. Rather, her approach is one of:
1. eating consciously
2. focused attention on what you are eating, every time you put anything into your mouth
3. focused attention on your body’s reaction to it
4. only eating when truly hungry and stopping when full.

Willingness to become that conscious seems to go well with a spiritual program of recovery that involves prayer, meditation, and deep reflection into one’s state of mind and heart.

Today I am reading this book to take my recovery deeper, to discover a new layer of connection between the way I eat and the way I live my life.

I notice, for instance, that when I shovel the food in, I’m hungrier for more emotionally, but mislabel it as being hungry physically. On the other hand, when I’m truly present during a meal, TV off, no book propped in front of my plate, and it is simply my meal and me, (or my husband and I enjoying a pleasant conversation) at the table, calm and relaxed, I feel more satisfied when I finish eating, and that satisfaction seems to last longer.

I have not replaced my program with Roth’s approach, but am adding her practices to my repertoire of the tools I use to build greater sanity in my life, one day at a time. Sometimes I trudge of course, and sometimes I glide.

The metaphor is apt, when I’m living my life unconsciously, just to get through the hour, the day, the week, to get to the next project, to get home, to get to the weekend, I feel less fulfilled. When I live each moment fully, the days fly and yet the time spent in each moment is full and satisfying, and is not moving overly fast.

Learning how to eat in the moment, fully present to my food and how my body is taking it in, appears to be another piece of the sanity puzzle in my recovery.

Try it today: Eat slowly, sitting down, with no outside distractions. One bite at a time, with full awareness.W hen your mind wanders, bring it back to the plate in front of you, not with judgment, simply with presence. Observe how it changes your experience of your meal and of your day.

Please send me a note to share your experiences with this and let me know if you would like me to share it with everyone or just keep it between us.

By the way, this form of eating is a beautiful practice to add to your self care, which is one of the Four Foundations of Family Recovery!

I’ll be offering a 6 week teleseminar on the Four Foundations starting Monday, September 13th through October 18th. It’ll be from 3-4 PM on the phone and together, we will explore the four foundations and look for ways to bring them alive in our lives. The course itself, including handouts, will cost only $49 for all six weeks! I hope you will join us!

To sign up you can go to paypal and pay directly to theempowermentcoach@gmail.com. Or, if you prefer, drop me a note at recoverycoachbev@theempowermentcoach.net to let me know of your interest and we can work out the details together.

Til next time, stay conscious and take care of YOU!

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC
Family Recovery Coach
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
786 859 4050

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