12 Step Family » Recovery

Key 5 D: Preparing to Change: Stage 3 of the 6 Stages of Change

beverlybuncher — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 01:36:32 +0000

When it comes to changing a habit or behavior, there are, according to James Prochaska (author of Changing for Good: The Revolutionary Six Stage Model to Changing Habits and Behaviors), 6 stages of change. The first is pre-contemplation (also known as denial). The second is contemplation, also known as yes, but. The third is preparation and that’s what this blog post is all about.

Stage 3: Preparation – Prochaska calls the Preparation stage the “Getting Ready” stage and says that most people in this stage plan to make their change within the month. They have set the date and are involved in activities to help them get ready for the big day.

This stage is important because without the proper planning, the big day may last only that long. The changer at this point may be thinking about what they will do instead of their habit, how they will avoid triggers, how they will begin and how they will keep going.

Whether the changer is a parent who wants to stop yelling at their addicted child, an addict who wants to get clean, one who wants to keep using drugs but stop sharing needles, or someone who wants to start flossing every night, without adequate preparation, the change they are planning probably will not last.

There may be a support group to join or a recovery coach or therapist to hire. There may be new activities and friends to find. There may be clean needles or floss to purchase. Thinking about and planning for these are just the tip of the iceberg of what a changer may need to put into place to make their new habit work.

Thus, adequate preparation can have a huge impact on the success of their foray into the next step. Patti Denning (author of Over the Influence: The Harm Reduction Guide to Managing Alcohol and Drug Use)calls this stage the “uh-oh” stage because plans are becoming real and concrete and the difficulties lying ahead begin to become clearer.

This week, I will be interviewing Kenneth Anderson, author of How to Change Your Drinking: The Harm Reduction Guide to Alcohol at 7 PM ET on Wednesday, October 26th. Ken runs a network for those struggling with addictive behaviors who wish to explore options other than a 12 step, total abstinence approach.

To learn more, go to: http://beverlybuncher.com/key-5-teleseminar-on-harm-reduction-little-steps-to-big-changes/.

To sign up to join us or to receive the audio by email, godirectly to:http://forms.aweber.com/form/62/1652809962.htm

Looking forward to seeing you then! And, of course, to learn more about the 6 stages of change,catch my next blog post on the Action Stage!

Best,

Coach Bev

www.beverlybuncher.com

786 859 4050

Key 4I: A Wife's Experience with the 4 C's with Guest Blogger Lisa Espich

beverlybuncher — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 19:02:49 +0000

The 12 Keys are a group of recovery principles designed to help you be YOUR best self as you play your role in helping your loved one get and stay clean and sober. This week, as we end our September overview of Key 4, join me for a story from a a very special person with a powerful story to tell. As you know,I love bringing you the recovery stories and ideas of my colleagues and friends!

This month, I’d like to introduce you to author Lisa Espich. Lisa Espich is the author of the award-winning book, Soaring Above Co-Addiction: Helping your loved one get clean, while creating the life of your dreams. After the remarkable transformation in her own family, she is now passionate about helping other families to heal from the devastating effects of addiction. Through her blog at http://www.soaringabovecoaddiction.com/blog.asp Lisa shares continued insight and hope to those who have been affected by addiction. You can also follow her on:
Twitter http://twitter.com/#!/soaringaboveco
Facebook http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/121882534530941/
A Wife’s Experience With the Four C’s
by Lisa Espich

Dean and I married young. We were teenage sweethearts, and when we found ourselves pregnant (I at eighteen and he at twenty), we decided the right thing to do was to marry. Parenthood may have come faster then we’d hoped, but we were in love and believed that was enough.

As we settled into our new roles, Dean’s addiction came to the surface. His frequent drinking and cocaine use overshadowed what should have been happy times. Denial became my crutch. I didn’t want to face the reality that the man I married was an addict. I kept hoping that he’d grow out of it.

I felt that I was partly at fault. Maybe Dean was too young to marry. Had I somehow pressured him into this? Was he unhappy with our new lives together? I started doing everything I could to be the perfect wife, mother, and homemaker, in an attempt to make him happy. I had not yet learned the first ‘C’: I didn’t cause my loved one’s addiction.

Flash-forward nearly two decades later — Dean had not grown out of it as I’d hoped. On the contrary, his addiction had taken over and consumed our world. The worse his addiction got, the more I fell into negative patterns of my own. I kept trying and failing to gain some control. Ironically, the more I tried to control Dean and his addiction, the more out-of-control life became.

When I found myself in a car chase with Dean’s drug dealer one night, I realized just how insane my life had become. I had come home from work to find his dealer sitting in a car outside my house. When he saw me he quickly pulled away, but I wasn’t about to let him get away that easily. I spun my car around and took off after him.

Weaving in and out of the neighborhood streets, I was determined to confront this man. I knew it was crazy, but my anger had the best of me. When he finally pulled over, I swerved my car up in front of his blocking him from taking off. I then proceeded to get out and tell him off in the strongest voice I could force out.

When he agreed to stay away from Dean, I got back into my car and pulled away. While I felt some relief for finally confronting this man, it was only a matter of hours before he sold more drugs to Dean. That night I learned and finally accepted the second ‘C’: you can’t control their addiction.

That incident was a turning point for me. As if I suddenly had a new set of eyes, I was able to look at myself clearly. I could see that the addiction had not only taken over my husband, but it had taken over me as well. While I wanted to somehow help Dean get clean, I knew that I had to start taking care of myself.

It had been so long since I put my own needs first, that I could hardly figure out what those needs were. I created a detailed plan. It included exercise to improve my self-esteem, saving money for my future security, and putting a focus on my own emotional strength. I was ready to take my life back!

I learned how to use affirmations and visualization, which helped me to become more positive. As the weeks passed, I was amazed at how much I had changed in such a short time. Even though my husband was still caught up in his addiction, I was feeling peace within myself.

As I got healthy, I grew acceptance for the third ‘C’: you can’t cure your loved one’s addiction. Although Dean was still using, I was no longer consumed by his problems. I encouraged him to get professional help and he slowly became more receptive. But each time he got close to admitting himself into treatment, he would get scared and back out.

After being stuck in the patterns of codependency for so many years, I was finally learning to set healthy boundaries. With my newfound strength I was able to follow the fourth ‘C’: you don’t have to contribute to it. I was learning how to detach in a loving way, and I was allowing my husband to face the consequences of his actions.

Well the most amazing thing happened! Through the process of making my own improvements, my husband began to make positive changes as well. Eventually, he admitted himself into treatment, and we are now enjoying a healthy marriage (six years clean and sober).

I don’t mean to simplify the process — it did not happen overnight. There were many ups and downs along the road to recovery, and I definitely had my own slips back into codependent patterns. But recovery did come, and I am so grateful for the life we have now.

There is no cure for addiction and recovery is one day at a time. But our story is proof that addiction can be managed, and recovery is possible. The four C’s were critical components of the process that lead my family to healing.

Thank you Lisa, for sharing your powerful story with the readers of 12stepfamily.com!

Click here to check out Lisa’s book Soaring Above Co-addiction!
Lisa will be visiting me for a Key 7 interview in December, when she shares with all of us her experience with the the 7th Key: You are Your Addict’s BEST chance at Recovery!” These free teleseminars are designed to give you, my readers, ongoing information designed to help you learn to get your life back regardless of your addict’s choices AND to communicate more effectively with your loved ones!

Have a Loving Day!!!

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC
Family Recovery Coach
www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

Key 4H: The 4 C's part 8: Mary's Story and some coaching questions for YOU!

beverlybuncher — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 18:48:24 +0000

Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post is the eighth in a month-long series on Key Four. This Key is known as the Four C’s: “You Didn’t Cause It, You Can’t Control It, You Can’t Cure It. BUT, You DON’T Have to Contribute To It.”

The ability to Be A Loving Mirror (BALM) takes motivation and understanding. Last month we learned about the three relationships (that with God, self, and others) and how to develop them to help you regain your peace and sanity. Next, There are four cornerstones to help you build the understanding you need to move forward through the four foundations to the goal of Being A Loving Mirror. The first cornerstone is the Four C’s. Learn the 4 C’s well. They will play a KEY role in allowing you to experience the sanity of family recovery. This post, One Family Member’s Story is part eight of a serialization of my chapter on the 4 C’s in my upcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity.

One Family Member’s Story

From the time she was a little girl, Mary was affected by addiction. Her dad was an alcoholic, her mom an overeater (though in those days it was just called ‘being fat’) and she was an only child often given the job of taking care of things in the house. The older she got, the more she felt like she was raising her parents rather than them raising her.

Dad was too sauced to make many decisions and mom too scared, so often she got to give her opinions and find solutions for things well beyond her years to find. She cleaned up after her parents, got involved in their arguments, broke up fights, and brought dad home from the bar on the nights when he was one of the last ones to leave. She tried to get him to stop drinking and mom to stop overeating, but no matter what she did, nothing worked.

Still she tried.

After all, wasn’t this what good children did? Helped their parents? Made things right?

When Mary grew up and got married, she found Tom. He was tall and handsome and sober. He didn’t drink or smoke or overeat and neither did she. He seemed as perfectly capable of taking care of himself as she was and together they’d make a perfect couple.

Only, when they got married, something wasn’t right. Tom didn’t want her hovering over him, telling him what to do and how to live all the time, and she didn’t feel she had much of a role in the relationship since the only way she knew how to relate was to take care of the people she loved.

After awhile, she noticed something was amiss. Tom wasn’t coming home as much or as early from work like he was in the beginning and once the children were born, he would go on trips by himself, stay out late in the evenings and she kept finding evidence of his having been with other women – as if he wasn’t even trying to hide it… Mary went into full gear to deal with the situation the only way she knew how.

She began tailing Tom after work to find out where he was going, monitoring his phone and Internet usage and eventually even hired a private detective to find out what was going on. No matter what evidence she found, he denied wrongdoing.

She was determined to win him back. And did whatever she could to get her husband to stop his addictive behavior to other women and liaisons. But nothing seemed to work and while neither one of them wanted to leave the relationship, their relationship with each other had deteriorated to an angry growl of good morning and nothing more.

By the time their children were teens, one of the girls began acting out with drugs and alcohol. This gave Mary a whole new focus. She began care taking, enabling, and trying to fix her daughter’s behavior just as she had been with all of the people she had ever loved.

Only now it was different. This was her child’s life we were talking about and Mary started to get desperate.

After months of dealing with the situation on her own, searching for drugs in the bedroom, grounding her daughter for being out late at night, screaming, yelling and pleading with her teen to stop risking her life and her health, Mary reached out for help.

She hired a family recovery coach who specialized in working with families affected by addiction. Together they worked through the 12keys to sanity for family members of addicts and she learned new ways of being in relationship with her daughter that started to help her daughter look at herself and take responsibility for her own behavior.

With the support of her coach, Mary also started going to family recovery meetings. She chose Alanon and Naranon to help her cope with her daughter’s behavior. After awhile, she also joined S-Anon to help her gain serenity around her husband’s sex addiction.

One of the first things Mary learned was the Four C’s. Once she realized she couldn’t change the addicts around her, she was free to work on herself. This liberated her to begin having a life she enjoyed.

No longer centering all of her thoughts around her sick family members, she learned ways to behave that would not contribute to their illnesses, while focusing the bulk of her energy on building a purposeful, meaningful life of her own.

Coaching Questions to Ponder:

1. How has guilt affected your relationship with the addict or addicts in your life?
2. In what ways have you tried to control your loved ones, attempting to fix them or manipulate their behaviors?
3. How well have your efforts to cure your loved one of their addiction worked?
4. How can understanding the Four C’s allow you a new freedom and sense of appropriate responsibility in relationship to the addict(s) in your life?
5. What will you be looking to learn in the chapters (and blog posts) ahead that you feel will be most helpful to you on your journey?

If you would like to listen to a teleseminar on the four C’s in which I shared my own family recovery story and answered questions from family members, click here .

Keep in touch!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC
Family Recovery Coach
www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

Click here for a free complimentary consult!

Key 4F: The Four C's – Part 6: Recovery for the Addict and the Co-Addict

beverlybuncher — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 02:33:04 +0000

Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post is the sixth in a month-long series on Key Four. This Key is known as the Four C’s: “You Didn’t Cause It, You Can’t Control It, You Can’t Cure It. BUT, You DON’T Have to Contribute To It.”

The ability to Be A Loving Mirror (BALM) takes motivation and understanding. Last month we learned about the three relationships (that with God, self, and others) and how to develop them to help you regain your peace and sanity. Next, There are four cornerstones to help you build the understanding you need to move forward through the four foundations to the goal of Being A Loving Mirror. The first cornerstone is the Four C’s. Learn the 4 C’s well. They will play a KEY role in allowing you to experience the sanity of family recovery. This post, Recovery for the Addict and the Co-Addict is part six of a serialization of my chapter on the 4 C’s in my upcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity.

Recovery for the Addict

This is what every family member dreams of, prays for, and works for: recovery for the addict. So, just what is it, how does it happen and, and though we know we are powerless over a cure, how can we help it occur?
Recovery for the addict is a process. While some addicts appear to simply stop one day, there is a whole lot going on under the surface that made that action possible (see the chapter on The Six Stages of Change).

Recovery often happens when the addict ‘hits bottom’, but this isn’t always necessary. Education can lead an addict to recovery as can smaller consequences along the way. The miracle of recovery is seen in the restoration of body, mind and relationships, at least with those who are willing to forgive the addict for all that happened during the active days of addiction.

Here’s what is important for you to know: your addict’s recovery has a better chance of happening and maintaining, when you and the family are supportive. But, an addict can get and stay sober without any family or friends around. What I’m saying is that an addict’s recovery is totally between himself and his Higher Power, but:

• Can be slowed down by dysfunctional behavior on the part of the family
• Can be hastened by the functional behavior of the family members
• Can be responsive to outside input given at the right time and in the right way (see chapter 3 on the six stages of change).

Family Recovery

So, now let’s talk about your recovery. By now I hope you are beginning to see why it might be a good idea to consider pursuing your own recovery. Just as in the addict’s case, family recovery is a process. It takes times to restore sanity, to heal relationships, to gain the capacity to respond serenely and quietly to previously enraging situations.

While there is no guarantee of what will happen to the addict if you do recover, make no mistake about it: You are your addict’s BEST chance of recovering and staying recovered…just not in the ways you previously thought! (and you will learn more about that in Key 7 and a later chapter of the book!)

If you would like to learn more about the 4 C’s, join me for a conversation this Wednesday evening, September 21, 2011, for my Monthly Free Loving Mirror Teleseminar. To learn more and to sign up for the teleseminar and a free recording, click here. . Looking forward to sharing my experience strength, strength and hope on the 4 C’s, hearing yours, and answering any questions you may have about how to stop contributing to your loved one’s addiction and how to start contributing to their recovery!

Until then,

All the best to you and yours,

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC
Family Recovery Coach
www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

Helping families blaze the trail to sobriety in their homes.

Click here for a complimentary consult with Coach Bev

Key 4A: The Four C's Part One: You Didn't Cause Their Addiction

beverlybuncher — Sun, 04 Sep 2011 01:32:21 +0000

Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post is the first in a month-long series on Key Four, which is the first of the Four Cornerstones. This Key is known as the Four C’s: “You Didn’t Cause It, You Can’t Control It, You Can’t Cure It. BUT, You DON’T Have to Contribute To It.”

The ability to Be A Loving Mirror takes motivation and understanding. There are four cornerstones to help you build the understanding you need to move forward through the four foundations to the goal of Being A Loving Mirror. The first cornerstone is the Four C’s. Learn the 4 C’s well. They will play a KEY role in allowing you to enter the sanity of family recovery. The next several posts are a serialization of my chapter on the 4 C’s in my upcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity.

Did you ever walk into a room that was burning? Perhaps the stove was on fire or a pot was shooting flames. You did not start that fire and you may not be able to stop it, but there are things you can do that will make it stronger or weaker. Did you douse it with oil or water? One makes the fire worse; the other helps put it out. Sometimes, when the fire is completely out of control, the best thing you can do is get out of the room and the house and call the fire company. Staying and trying to put it out will only kill you.

When it comes to being in relationship with an addict, the parallels are not exact, but in some ways, you are dealing with a fire you did not start and you will probably not be able to put out. The question is, will you fan the flames or help distinguish them? Do you know which actions will hurt and which will help? This chapter will let you know what is meant by the 4 C’s and the rest of the book is here to show you which of your actions will contribute to your loved one’s addiction and which could help bring about their recovery. (You’ll notice I wrote ‘could help’. There are no guarantees that the principles you learn in this book will bring about recovery for your addict. The only guarantee is that if you apply these principles to your own life, your own chaos will transform to sanity. But, just as chaos is catchy, so, too is sanity. So, by working on increasing the peace in your own life, you give your addict a better chance of ‘catching’ your new way of life, of wanting what you have and moving forward to get it.) So, let’s get started.

‘You Didn’t Cause Your Loved one’s Addiction’

The fact is, unless you sat with your loved one day after day, forcing them to take drugs or drink alcohol; you didn’t turn them into an addict. They picked up their first drug or drink (or whatever their substance or behavior is). They made an initial decision to use and soon, there were not more decisions to make. At a certain point, they were hooked and that was that. The drug was choosing them. It had dug its tentacles into their brain and they were automatically going after it day after day. At first to feel good. Then, just to feel at all, and, finally, just to numb any feelings they had and just survive.

So, if you have been sitting around with feelings of guilt and a case of the ‘if only’s’, as in if only I hadn’t…

• Let him out of the house
• Allowed her to hang out with those kids
• Worked so much

Or if only I had…

• Been a better husband/wife
• Been home more
• Kept a better eye on what was going on

…he/she wouldn’t have started drinking, it’s time to let that guilt go. You didn’t make their disease happen. You’re just not that powerful. And while we are on the topic of your power, here is another light bulb for you to turn on in your head: Your loved one’s addiction is not about you. It is about them. You are not at the center of their universe. They are on their own journey. And the fact that they became addicted is not about you.

Take a look for a moment at the synonyms of the word cause:
source, root, origin, basis, foundation, reason.

While your addict may tell you that you are the reason he uses, I’m here to tell you that what you are hearing is his addiction speaking at you. By bestowing guilt upon you, making you the reason he uses, your loved one is letting go of all personal responsibility for his behaviors. She is saying, “It’s not my fault, it’s yours!”

Perhaps you’ve believed that up until now. This book will show you why that is NOT true and how to take back responsibility for what you are truly responsible for: your actions and reactions to the situation you are in. It will also show you how to give the addict back her personal responsibility for her own life and that starts right here, with your really getting it that it is NOT your fault that he is an addict. You did not cause it.

So if you didn’t cause it, what did?

There are lots of theories about that. Genetics may be a part of the mix. As twin and adoptee studies often show, alcoholism often shows up regardless of the environment in which a child is raised. (footnote) So let go of the guilt. Even if your child inherited the gene for addiction from you, you did not intend for that to happen, so it is NOT YOUR FAULT!

The 12 Keys invite you to look at this entire situation of being related to an addict in a different light: Yes, there is this awful, frightening, life threatening thing happening to someone you love. But, there are also many wonderful things about this person and about the relationship you have (or had in the past) that you may also choose to focus on. There are wonderful things that most likely came out of knowing this person – such as, for instance:

• the great people you met through them
• the children you birthed through your marriage together
• your own growth as a result of being involved with someone who has stretched you to your limit…

I don’t know your details. But I do know there are always many ways to view any situation. Seeing only the sadness in a situation only goes so far, especially if it is your goal to make things better. So, start to look for things that make you feel better about your life and your relationship with your loved one. It is a mental habit that will serve you well.

In our next post we will continue this chapter with “You Can’t Control It” – stay tuned!

Feeling impatient? To read an older version of the Four C’s in full, plus have access to other 12 Keys essentials click here.

–
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

What if things don't go according to plan?

beverlybuncher — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 20:46:18 +0000

Every moment in relationship with using addicts brings with it uncertainties.

Will they hear my loving mirror response?

Will they be able to take care of their own responsibilities once I truly become a loving person and stop enabling?

Will they make it through the night? Through the next binge?

Will they show up clean? Will they stay sober enough so I can enjoy their company?

Will I be able to endure their abuse and insults and respond by setting healthy boundaries?

Will they arrive safely at their destination without hurting themselves or someone else?

While all people in this world experience the unknown as part of their life, being in relationship with a person who is using, takes uncertainty to a whole new level.

That’s why I wanted to share this quote that I heard today with you. If you are anything like me, you will copy it and put it up on your bathroom mirror and everywhere else you find yourself. Here it is:

“Everything is exactly as it should be, even when we think it isn’t.”

Ta-da. How does that hit you?

For me, accepting life on life’s terms, means accepting this quote as a fact. In other words, life happens. People are themselves and all of my wishing that they were different has no impact. So, my job is to allow people to live their lives, even if the way they do so feels scary and uncertain. And, in the meantime, to completely let go of the worry, trepidation, and fear of what MIGHT or might not happen. To Accept the idea that whatever does happen is exactly what should happen, simply because that IS what is happening.

So, plan ahead and let go. Take care of details, Dot your i’s and cross your t’s. Then, let go and enjoy the ride.

Remember:
“Everything is exactly as it should be, even when we think it isn’t.”

That includes the bumps, the unexpected happenings, the ever-loving addicts in our lives doing their addictive thing.

And when we don’t fight what is, we spend far less time fighting reality and far more time enjoying life on life’s terms and the people we love exactly as we are.

Best,

Coach Bev

–
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. A new group starts this Thursday at noon! Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

Key 3 F: Building an Honest, Loving, Non-Judgmental Relationship with Others

beverlybuncher — Wed, 24 Aug 2011 01:35:23 +0000

Imagine this scene: your son (or daughter) walks in the door high as a kite…again.

If you have told them once, you’ve told them a thousand times how much that upsets you and how you want them to stop. But there they are…again.

Your usual response is to threaten and cajole them into stopping their use. You do it because you love them, because you’re scared to death, because you can’t believe that a child of yours, with the values you have taught them, would be messed up enough to throw their life away to drugs…You are so frightened of what could happen to them and so disgusted by the friends they are now hanging out with that all you want to do is scream…So instead, you tell them what a bad seed they are, how you wish they never were born, how they are ruining YOUR life, and then, once you’ve finished saying all of the things that you know will hurt them the most, you top it off with “And if you don’t stop doing this, you aren’t welcome in this house.”

And then a day or two later, there they are again, walking in high, ruining your life and the litany starts again.

It doesn’t have to be that way, you know. It’s not mandatory that you judge your child as bad or wrong for out of control drinking or drugging. It’s not required that you push your feelings of hurt, fear and despair down with anger, resentment, and rage. You don’t have to make idle threats or sarcastic comments.

There IS another way.

That way is Being A Loving MIrror.

The work of Being A Loving MIrror may be new to you or it may be something you’ve read in this blog before. Either way, it is accessible to you, right here, right now.

All it takes is a commitment to change your point of view and attitude, for a moment in time. And that moment is NOW.

Each relationship we have is built and broken one moment at a time, in each moment of time that it occurs. It is never too late to start over. To make a decision to be NEW in relationship to someone you love.

Being a Loving Mirror means feeling all of the hurt and pain that goes with watching someone you love do something self-destructive and doing something different: just sitting with it. Allowing it to percolate in a new way inside of you.

Instead of pushing the feelings down, watch them rise up within you and BE still. In that stillness, that state of being an inner witness to your own sadness and despair, take a deep breath and make a decision to take a different approach: The Loving Mirror Approach. Why?

1. What you are doing isn’t working to get him or her to stop using.
2. you feel awful every time you rant and rave and nothing changes.
3. you are growing more and more distant from your loved one everytime the two of you have another one of those confrontations…

Want to learn how to BE and Live life in relationship as a loving mirror?

Join me Wednesday, August 24, 2011 when I will be interviewed by Jory Fisher on her BlogTalk Radio Show Women of Faith and Purpose talking about what it means to Be A Loving Mirror and how it can make a difference in your life. Click here to join us for this noon ET radio program today!

And if you can’t make it, but you really want to learn how to BE A Loving Mirror, join me as a participant for my upcoming 12 week Loving Mirror Coaching Group! Click here to sign up NOW! It starts next Thursday, September 1st, and will happen on the phone lines every Thursday from noon to 1:30 PM!

Want more information? Give me a call at 786 859 4050. Let’s talk and see what will help you the most in your journey to an honest, loving, non-judgmental relationship with your loved ones! It’s my job to help you figure out what your next best steps are!

Let’s talk and figure it out together.

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC
Family Recovery Coach
www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com

FYI: Here’s an excerpt on the Heart and Soul Interview. See you at noon!

Beverly Buncher on “How To Be A Loving Mirror in Your Loved Ones’ Lives”

On Wednesday, August 24th, Jory will interview author/blogger Beverly Buncher, a Family Recovery and True Purpose™ Coach Please go to this link at 12 Noon Eastern (9AM Pacific) to listen to our live interview.
“How To Be A Loving Mirror in Your Loved One’s Lives”

When it comes to relationships, what matters most? Is it kindness? Intelligence? Beauty? Wisdom? For Beverly Buncher, Family Recovery and Life Purpose in Recovery Coach, what matters most is the ability to Be A Loving Mirror (BALM) in your own and your loved ones’ lives.

Coach Bev works with the family members of addicts, yet teaches principles that anyone can use in relationship with their loved ones.

Her message: telling each other the truth in a loving, non-judgmental way is the key to a relationship that works, especially during those times when things are going less than smoothly.

During this hour, Bev will share her 12 Keys to Sanity which will guide you to the ability to BE that loving mirror in a loved one’s life.

About Beverly Buncher

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC, Family Recovery Coach, works with clients individually and in groups, in person and on the phone. Author of the forthcoming book Transform Your Life with the12 Keys to Sanity, she helps family members turn chaos to sanity and helps recovering addicts find and live their life purpose. Coach Bev is internationally recognized as a Professional Certified Coach by ICF (International Coach Federation). She is the family blogger and resident Recovery Coach for In the Rooms (the leading social network for people in recovery) and the Family Recovery Coach for the social network, The Addict’s Mom. She also trains Professional Recovery Coaches for Crossroads Recovery Coaching and is a mentor coach for iPEC. Coach Bev has spent over 26 years as a member of family recovery programs and practices the principles of recovery in her own life on a daily basis. You can learn more about her work on her websites at www.beverlybuncher.com and by reading her blog In The Rooms at http://12stepfamily.com.

Key 3B: What are your tools for effectively relating to others?

beverlybuncher — Sat, 06 Aug 2011 13:55:20 +0000

The trauma of having a child, friend or relative using substances without regard to their health or safety, or that of anyone else, is one of life’s most difficult challenges. What tools do you find most effective in helping you regain your sanity when you see someone you love doing things that you know could harm themselves or others and there is nothing you can do to stop them?

When it comes to relating to those we love, especially but not exclusively those who use drugs, alcohol, or other addictive substances or behaviors, it is important to have a toolbox of spiritual, mental, and physical techniques available to you so that you do not fall apart because of their issues.

Here are a few that I and my clients have found helpful as we walk our path. See if any of them work for you:

1. Consciously breathe. The breath is one of the greatest tools we have to bring our minds back to calm when fearful thoughts threaten to take over. Notice I said fearful THOUGHTS, not fearful BEHAVIORS OF OTHERS. It is not others’ behaviors that destroy our peace of mind, but how we think about those behaviors. Breathing slowly, calmly and deeply, can help us stay fully present to whatever situation is facing us and allow us to focus on our next best step, rather than on the racing thoughts of fear and of possible tragic outcomes that tend to rush through our minds when faced with our loved one’s behaviors.

2. Become aware of yourself exactly in relation to exactly where you are RIGHT NOW. You see your loved one in an intoxicated state. Or they are telling you a story or problem with potentially dire consequences. You have started to use tool one, Consciously Breathe, but still you feel your thoughts racing. Now, as you continue to breathe, take a look around. Become aware of the wallpaper, the ceiling fan, the diningroom chair fabric. Allow your eyes to embrace your environment and see the detail and beauty in a new way. You get the picture. Take your focus off of your fear and put it right where you are. Allow yourself to see the world around you in THIS moment in order to further relax calm yourself.

3. Become aware of yourself in your environment If you are outside, feel the sun on your skin and the grass under your toes. If you are in a chair, feel your body touching the chair and your feet touching the floor. If your arms are crossed. feel your fingers touching your arms. Keep breathing of course and just focus on yourself, in your environment, breathing.

These three tools, of breathing, focusing on the present moment environment, and focusing on yourself IN the environment, all have tremendous power to bring you back to the present momen,t regardless of the news you are hearing about what just happened to your loved one or the thoughts your mind is playing about what could happen. This isn’t about going off into la-la land. It is about becoming able to hear what people are telling us without going into full battle mode, which after awhile, can create an inner trauma loop in our minds that keeps us from relating effectively to our loved ones.

Being related to someone who is often doing dangerous things, can create trauma in us. However, if we begin to ground ourselves in our own body, in our own breath, in our own environment, in the moment, we will begin to be able to physically experience the ability to detach with love. We will have a sense of inner calm that will allow us to respond in a manner appropriate to the situation, without all of the intense mental thought clutter we used to have that is grounded less in reality than in fear and panic.

To relate to others in the moment, with lovingkindness and effectiveness, to Be that Loving Mirror (TM), it is crucial to develop our own ability to feel a sense of calm underlying all that we think, do, and say. Not easy, but simple. With daily practice, you will own these tools and BE there for others in ways you had previously not thought possible. MORE importantly, you will be there for yourself, as the inner calm will minimize the wear and tear on your body and mind that stress often brings.

Practice these three things even when not hearing bad news. Practice BEING in the moment on a regular basis and the skill will be there for you when you need it.

Let me know how it is going for you!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

Key 3A: Dropping the Rock of Expectations in your Relationships with Others

beverlybuncher — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 22:26:07 +0000

Expectations of others don’t work. They get us in trouble and make us miserable. Often, the others we are expecting to act in a specific way don’t do what we expect them to do and then we feel let down and disappointed. Those feelings often translate into our treating them in a dismissive or disgruntled way which wounds the relationship even further.

So, what does that mean? Shouldn’t we be able to have standards of how others we associate with act and treat us? Isn’t it my right to expect that others will behave in ways that I can live with?

Well, it depends on what you want from the situation. If you are just getting to know someone and are considering them as a life partner, best friend, or business partner, knowing what you want from the relationship and being aware of whether the person fits the bill can be very important in helping you determine whether to go on with the relationship or not.

Or, if you are making a decision as to whether to continue with a relationship that has been on the decline and you are aware that certain things about the person are not things you can live with and you want out, using discernment as to whether or not you choose to live with those things anymore can be very helpful as well.

But, if you are in a relationship for the long haul either as a spouse, a parent, a child or a friend, and you find yourself, over and over again, expecting the person you love to live their life the way you think they should live it, and they have a different idea or simply cannot comply, it may be time to ask yourself if that expectation is really serving you or the relationship. Here’s an example:

Let’s say, you have an expectation that your loved one come home for dinner each evening by 6 PM. It’s a ‘reasonable’ expectation, don’t you think? But somehow, they never make it. Sometimes they come at 6:30, sometimes at 7, sometimes at 9 and sometimes not at all…You’ve tried everything. You’ve yelled, screamed, given them the silent treatment and calmly told them that this is not acceptable. Yet, the behavior continues.

Inside, you are so angry, you are boiling.

This family member is ruining the dinner hour for you and everyone else. They are a bad example for the rest of the family members and after you get through postponing and seething through the hour or two or three of waiting for them each evening, the rest of the family is, quite frankly, starved, angry and frustrated as well – as much with you as with your loved one.

So, what do you do? Well, just to mix things up, what if you simply let go of the expectation that they come home at all. Accept that they may or may not come home for dinner, and put your focus on making a delicious dinner (if that is your job) for the rest of the family members. You may decide to set a place for them or not. If not and they show up, they can set one when they get there. If so, and they don’t, you can either leave theirs out for when they do come (if there is any food left) OR put their place setting away and let them completely fend for themselves when they get home.

If it feels unmanageable, unfair, untenable to do this, to let them get away with this without letting them know how awful it is, I have a surprise for you: They are already getting away with it already. As for your histrionic and/or seething reactions to their behavior, your loved one is probably immune to it…After awhile, nagging behavior becomes invisible or is simply used as an excuse to use more, drink more and stay out later.

In AA, they talk about dropping the rock. The rock can be anything that is holding us back from being our best and enjoying the potentially wonderful life that recovery offers us. By dropping the rock of expectation from your relationships with others, you can enjoy them when they are around just as they are, without always insisting they be who you want them to be.

It’ll allow you and your other family members to enjoy mealtime again, it will potentially improve your relationship with your loved one and, interestingly enough, it may give them less of a reason to stay away…

When one person in a relationship changes their behavior, the dynamics of the relationship must change.

Of course, changing your own attitudes, actions and reactions is challenging. That’s what the 12 Keys will do. By working to become a Loving Mirror in your loved one’s life, you WILL improve the quality of YOUR life and hopefully, theirs as well!

It’d be great to have you in our upcoming Loving Mirror Coaching group! There you will find partners in growth to insure your path and a coach to help you shine a light on your own inner wisdom! Learn more at www.beverlybuncher.com/loving mirror/.

See you there!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”

Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Key #3: Developing Relationships with Other People

beverlybuncher — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 13:59:22 +0000

Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post will is the first in a month-long series that will post on Developing Relationships with Others.

Recently I received this post from a reader:

Dear Bev, after being married to an alchoholic for 20 years, I got divorced, I met a wonderful man I was dating for almost 5 years. We only saw each other on the weekends. As we became closer it became clear he is also an alchoholic and partier & to top it off his 2 adult children are drug users. I am devistated. I feel duped and stupid. How did I miss the signs this time? – Feeling betrayed…

Dear Betrayed,

First of all, thank you so much for your note and question. Your willingness to put out there the exact dilemma that so many ex-spouses of alcoholics/addicts face will help many others better understand the seeming insanity of what has happened to you.

Many people who marry an active addict the first time around often find an equally dysfunctional person the second time around (and in some cases the 3rd, 4th, and 5th time as well…).

So, what is that about and what does this have to do with the 3rd Key to Sanity: Developing Loving Relationships with Others?

Everyday of our lives, we are bombarded with images of what the ideal mate looks like, talks like, acts like. We see, on television and in the movies, people with perfect bodies, perfect jobs, perfect smiles, and lots and lots of money and we see what they have as what we really want, but yet, the only place we see life playing out like that is on fictionalized shows and in movies. We may go to church, temple, mosque or synagogue and get a different perspective on what good and perfect mean and begin to develop ideals that compete with those of the media and culture around us.

Then, deep inside of us are the tapes we’ve been playing since our childhood of what we are worth, who we deserve, what we can get in life and what kind of life we will live. If our parents were dysfunctional in anyway and/or if they abused us emotionally or physically, we carry those tapes of being less than. If we were sexually abused by anyone, in our family or outside of our family, we carry those tapes of shame and unworthiness.

When we look for a mate initially, we carry all of these competing views of ourselves and others along for the search. Unless we have developed a very strong relationship with a Higher Power along with a very healthy, sense of self and a relationship with ourselves that consciously and subconsciously knows what is best for us and will accept nothing less than that, chances are, our choices may have been less than ideal. Then, once we have a marriage, we begin to think of ourselves in certain ways and to see our lives in certain ways based on what we experience in relation to our mate. And if that mate is an active alcoholic/addict, we may feel extremely isolated, confused, lonely, and afraid. How did this person who we loved so much turn into such a_________________ (you fill in the blank- monster, meanie,etc.)

So, there we are in a marriage with another person who at first appeared to be very much in sync with who/what we wanted in life, but now, as we look deeper, has lots of issues that we have no idea how to cope with. Being stuck like that, many of us put the dysfunctional coping mechanisms we learned at home into place. We cry, sulk, scream and yell to get them to behave better toward us. When these don’t work, we ignore, get bitter, put our interests and energy elsewhere, and, if we don’t have the means or guts to GET OUT, or if our religious beliefs encourage us to stick it out NO MATTER WHAT, we ENDURE.

Perhaps you can relate to that scenario. Your story may be quite different. If possible, find a piece of it that works for you and stay with me here.

So, after awhile, six months, six years, 12 years, 20 years, 35 years later, you change your mind. You are done enduring and decide to get the heck out of this unendurable marriage and start over. So you do. Maybe your spouse did the unspeakable: cheated on you, and that was your breaking point. Or maybe after the 16th time they cheated on you, you realized this was not going to get better and you left. Or maybe they left you for the other woman/man. Anyway, you get the picture. The marriage is OVER, done, finished.

You are out on your own, finally out from under the thumb of this person who “made you so miserable.”

Now what?

For many who find themselves in this position, it’s lonely! Even though the marriage was lonely, someone was at least THERE. There was a warm body on the other side of the bed or in the next room and not everything about the marriage was bad, etc., etc., …Of course, not everyone is that upset. The freedom can be intoxicating! the chance to meet others and have a good time is grand.

But now what?

All of the above is written to set the scenario for meeting partner #2. After whatever amount of time you have taken to ‘get over’ the last one, you begin to look for your next mate. Perhaps you hardly have to look at all and they find you…or perhaps you spend years looking. Either way, the hunt is on.

Finally, you meet. Certain that this time will be different, you find someone who is not an alcoholic, not an addict, not a…the list goes on. Or so you think. So you get together to live happily ever after. Sometimes the honeymoon lasts weeks, sometimes years. But eventually, it comes out: They may not be an alcoholic, but they may instead take pills or have a sex addiction or a gambling addiction. And there you are again in your own new version of the same Hell you endured the last time around…or maybe something even worse…

What went wrong?

The reason Key 3: Developing Relationships with Other People comes 3rd and not 1st, is that without good strong inner work on ourselves, our relationships with others will often come up short. What I’m saying here is that the relationships we have with others are much more about us than about them! and the kinds of people we choose to have in our lives are also much more about us than about them!

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that life with an alcoholic or addict is easy. I’m not saying that if you aren’t yet married and you find that your partner is deeply troubled (sex addict, drug addict, gambler, alcoholic, etc.) you shouldn’t run as fast and as far as you can.

What I am saying is that when you look at who you are involved with, who your friends are or aren’t (if you don’t have any), or who you choose to end up with as a partner, the most important person in the relationship vis-a-vis these choices can be found right in your own mirror.

So, what does this all mean?

As shared at the beginning of this post, all kinds of outside input from society, school, friends, and parents, contribute to how we see ourselves and what we think we are worthy of in life. When we really want the perfect mate, but on some level feel we aren’t worthy of him or her, the feelings will often win out. Getting our insides congruent with our outsides, our feelings congruent with our desires, is one piece of the puzzle of finding the right person. Jerry and Esther Hicks write about this in all of their books about the Law of Attraction.

Another key to becoming congruent on the level of feeling, is to do the deeper work of healing the sorrow of a less than perfect childhood and unhappy1st marriage. This can be approached through therapy, 12 step work, parts work, voice dialogue, and/or other emotional healing modalities.

Life choices happen on so many levels, many of which are below the surface of our conscious awareness. Once we are in a difficult situation, it can be much more difficult and complicated to get out of it than it was to get into it in the first place.

For those who are not yet involved in a first or second dysfunctional relationship, yet have a history of family dysfunction behind them, the best advice is to do the inner work first. I remember being given that advice and feeling too anxious to get my life moving toward the future, marriage, kids, etc… Maybe you remember that feeling too?

But wherever you are planted, it is never too late to begin the inner work of healing. The 12 Keys of Sanity which culminate in Key 12 “Being a Loving Mirror” provide a series of recovery principles designed to help you see yourself as the person you need to change in your life in order to make your life better! This may be a harsh pill to swallow, but it is true.

For some, these principles alone provide a good foundation. For others, the support of others is crucial…This can come in the form of a recovery coach to help you move in the direction of your dreams while looking honestly at what is going on in your present life that you may want/need to look at in order to get there!
For others, who have experienced severe trauma or distress, the help of a coach can be supplemented by that of a therapist.

Many find help in a group setting. There are Alanon and Naranon meetings all over the country and all over the world. Once you start going, get a sponsor and begin the 12 steps of recovery, where tremendous healing can be found. I work the steps daily and have found tremendous strength and healing in them. But for me and many others, more help was needed.

To add to your recovery by combining the help of a group with that of a coach, feel free to join a Loving Mirror Coaching Group. For 12 weeks, you will gain the insights and professional guidance of a Family Recovery Coach, along with the support of a group of others who have decided to take the lead in their lives in learning how to improve their relationship with themselves and the others in their lives. It’s an inexpensive way to have both a coach and a support group, all in one and the meetings are as close as your phone! A new group starts tomorrow, Wednesday, 8-3-11 at 8 PM ET. To learn more, click here.

So, dear reader, there you are with your boyfriend of five years who turns out to be a drinker, a partier and the parent of 2 adult drug addicts. Only you can decide if you have hit the jackpot in a negative or positive way. Only you can decide if your best bet is to cut your losses and GET OUT or to stick around and play the song again.

If you decide to stay, if you do the INNER work, this time CAN be different. That may mean he will decide to get well due to your example OR it may mean your interests will become so blatantly dissimilar, that one or both of you may leave the relationship.

If you decide to leave, AND are willing to let go of relationships for awhile while you do the INNER work, next time CAN be different!

If you simply keep blaming this whole repeat performance on the OTHERS, chances are, you WILL keep bringing dysfunctional people into your life – to repeat the performance again and again….and only once you realize that the only constant in the play of dysfunctional people in and out of your life is YOU, will you start to decide it is time to begin an inner journey of your own.

By building a relationship with yourself first, your chance at building a great relationship with others will be greatly enhanced.

If I can be of further help to you on your journey, give me a call and we can set up a time to talk further.

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm