12 Step Family

The trauma of having a child, friend or relative using substances without regard to their health or safety, or that of anyone else, is one of life’s most difficult challenges. What tools do you find most effective in helping you regain your sanity when you see someone you love doing things that you know could harm themselves or others and there is nothing you can do to stop them?

When it comes to relating to those we love, especially but not exclusively those who use drugs, alcohol, or other addictive substances or behaviors, it is important to have a toolbox of spiritual, mental, and physical techniques available to you so that you do not fall apart because of their issues.

Here are a few that I and my clients have found helpful as we walk our path. See if any of them work for you:

1. Consciously breathe. The breath is one of the greatest tools we have to bring our minds back to calm when fearful thoughts threaten to take over. Notice I said fearful THOUGHTS, not fearful BEHAVIORS OF OTHERS. It is not others’ behaviors that destroy our peace of mind, but how we think about those behaviors. Breathing slowly, calmly and deeply, can help us stay fully present to whatever situation is facing us and allow us to focus on our next best step, rather than on the racing thoughts of fear and of possible tragic outcomes that tend to rush through our minds when faced with our loved one’s behaviors.

2. Become aware of yourself exactly in relation to exactly where you are RIGHT NOW. You see your loved one in an intoxicated state. Or they are telling you a story or problem with potentially dire consequences. You have started to use tool one, Consciously Breathe, but still you feel your thoughts racing. Now, as you continue to breathe, take a look around. Become aware of the wallpaper, the ceiling fan, the diningroom chair fabric. Allow your eyes to embrace your environment and see the detail and beauty in a new way. You get the picture. Take your focus off of your fear and put it right where you are. Allow yourself to see the world around you in THIS moment in order to further relax calm yourself.

3. Become aware of yourself in your environment If you are outside, feel the sun on your skin and the grass under your toes. If you are in a chair, feel your body touching the chair and your feet touching the floor. If your arms are crossed. feel your fingers touching your arms. Keep breathing of course and just focus on yourself, in your environment, breathing.

These three tools, of breathing, focusing on the present moment environment, and focusing on yourself IN the environment, all have tremendous power to bring you back to the present momen,t regardless of the news you are hearing about what just happened to your loved one or the thoughts your mind is playing about what could happen. This isn’t about going off into la-la land. It is about becoming able to hear what people are telling us without going into full battle mode, which after awhile, can create an inner trauma loop in our minds that keeps us from relating effectively to our loved ones.

Being related to someone who is often doing dangerous things, can create trauma in us. However, if we begin to ground ourselves in our own body, in our own breath, in our own environment, in the moment, we will begin to be able to physically experience the ability to detach with love. We will have a sense of inner calm that will allow us to respond in a manner appropriate to the situation, without all of the intense mental thought clutter we used to have that is grounded less in reality than in fear and panic.

To relate to others in the moment, with lovingkindness and effectiveness, to Be that Loving Mirror (TM), it is crucial to develop our own ability to feel a sense of calm underlying all that we think, do, and say. Not easy, but simple. With daily practice, you will own these tools and BE there for others in ways you had previously not thought possible. MORE importantly, you will be there for yourself, as the inner calm will minimize the wear and tear on your body and mind that stress often brings.

Practice these three things even when not hearing bad news. Practice BEING in the moment on a regular basis and the skill will be there for you when you need it.

Let me know how it is going for you!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post will is the first in a month-long series that will post on Developing Relationships with Others.

Recently I received this post from a reader:

Dear Bev, after being married to an alchoholic for 20 years, I got divorced, I met a wonderful man I was dating for almost 5 years. We only saw each other on the weekends. As we became closer it became clear he is also an alchoholic and partier & to top it off his 2 adult children are drug users. I am devistated. I feel duped and stupid. How did I miss the signs this time? – Feeling betrayed…

Dear Betrayed,

First of all, thank you so much for your note and question. Your willingness to put out there the exact dilemma that so many ex-spouses of alcoholics/addicts face will help many others better understand the seeming insanity of what has happened to you.

Many people who marry an active addict the first time around often find an equally dysfunctional person the second time around (and in some cases the 3rd, 4th, and 5th time as well…).

So, what is that about and what does this have to do with the 3rd Key to Sanity: Developing Loving Relationships with Others?

Everyday of our lives, we are bombarded with images of what the ideal mate looks like, talks like, acts like. We see, on television and in the movies, people with perfect bodies, perfect jobs, perfect smiles, and lots and lots of money and we see what they have as what we really want, but yet, the only place we see life playing out like that is on fictionalized shows and in movies. We may go to church, temple, mosque or synagogue and get a different perspective on what good and perfect mean and begin to develop ideals that compete with those of the media and culture around us.

Then, deep inside of us are the tapes we’ve been playing since our childhood of what we are worth, who we deserve, what we can get in life and what kind of life we will live. If our parents were dysfunctional in anyway and/or if they abused us emotionally or physically, we carry those tapes of being less than. If we were sexually abused by anyone, in our family or outside of our family, we carry those tapes of shame and unworthiness.

When we look for a mate initially, we carry all of these competing views of ourselves and others along for the search. Unless we have developed a very strong relationship with a Higher Power along with a very healthy, sense of self and a relationship with ourselves that consciously and subconsciously knows what is best for us and will accept nothing less than that, chances are, our choices may have been less than ideal. Then, once we have a marriage, we begin to think of ourselves in certain ways and to see our lives in certain ways based on what we experience in relation to our mate. And if that mate is an active alcoholic/addict, we may feel extremely isolated, confused, lonely, and afraid. How did this person who we loved so much turn into such a_________________ (you fill in the blank- monster, meanie,etc.)

So, there we are in a marriage with another person who at first appeared to be very much in sync with who/what we wanted in life, but now, as we look deeper, has lots of issues that we have no idea how to cope with. Being stuck like that, many of us put the dysfunctional coping mechanisms we learned at home into place. We cry, sulk, scream and yell to get them to behave better toward us. When these don’t work, we ignore, get bitter, put our interests and energy elsewhere, and, if we don’t have the means or guts to GET OUT, or if our religious beliefs encourage us to stick it out NO MATTER WHAT, we ENDURE.

Perhaps you can relate to that scenario. Your story may be quite different. If possible, find a piece of it that works for you and stay with me here.

So, after awhile, six months, six years, 12 years, 20 years, 35 years later, you change your mind. You are done enduring and decide to get the heck out of this unendurable marriage and start over. So you do. Maybe your spouse did the unspeakable: cheated on you, and that was your breaking point. Or maybe after the 16th time they cheated on you, you realized this was not going to get better and you left. Or maybe they left you for the other woman/man. Anyway, you get the picture. The marriage is OVER, done, finished.

You are out on your own, finally out from under the thumb of this person who “made you so miserable.”

Now what?

For many who find themselves in this position, it’s lonely! Even though the marriage was lonely, someone was at least THERE. There was a warm body on the other side of the bed or in the next room and not everything about the marriage was bad, etc., etc., …Of course, not everyone is that upset. The freedom can be intoxicating! the chance to meet others and have a good time is grand.

But now what?

All of the above is written to set the scenario for meeting partner #2. After whatever amount of time you have taken to ‘get over’ the last one, you begin to look for your next mate. Perhaps you hardly have to look at all and they find you…or perhaps you spend years looking. Either way, the hunt is on.

Finally, you meet. Certain that this time will be different, you find someone who is not an alcoholic, not an addict, not a…the list goes on. Or so you think. So you get together to live happily ever after. Sometimes the honeymoon lasts weeks, sometimes years. But eventually, it comes out: They may not be an alcoholic, but they may instead take pills or have a sex addiction or a gambling addiction. And there you are again in your own new version of the same Hell you endured the last time around…or maybe something even worse…

What went wrong?

The reason Key 3: Developing Relationships with Other People comes 3rd and not 1st, is that without good strong inner work on ourselves, our relationships with others will often come up short. What I’m saying here is that the relationships we have with others are much more about us than about them! and the kinds of people we choose to have in our lives are also much more about us than about them!

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that life with an alcoholic or addict is easy. I’m not saying that if you aren’t yet married and you find that your partner is deeply troubled (sex addict, drug addict, gambler, alcoholic, etc.) you shouldn’t run as fast and as far as you can.

What I am saying is that when you look at who you are involved with, who your friends are or aren’t (if you don’t have any), or who you choose to end up with as a partner, the most important person in the relationship vis-a-vis these choices can be found right in your own mirror.

So, what does this all mean?

As shared at the beginning of this post, all kinds of outside input from society, school, friends, and parents, contribute to how we see ourselves and what we think we are worthy of in life. When we really want the perfect mate, but on some level feel we aren’t worthy of him or her, the feelings will often win out. Getting our insides congruent with our outsides, our feelings congruent with our desires, is one piece of the puzzle of finding the right person. Jerry and Esther Hicks write about this in all of their books about the Law of Attraction.

Another key to becoming congruent on the level of feeling, is to do the deeper work of healing the sorrow of a less than perfect childhood and unhappy1st marriage. This can be approached through therapy, 12 step work, parts work, voice dialogue, and/or other emotional healing modalities.

Life choices happen on so many levels, many of which are below the surface of our conscious awareness. Once we are in a difficult situation, it can be much more difficult and complicated to get out of it than it was to get into it in the first place.

For those who are not yet involved in a first or second dysfunctional relationship, yet have a history of family dysfunction behind them, the best advice is to do the inner work first. I remember being given that advice and feeling too anxious to get my life moving toward the future, marriage, kids, etc… Maybe you remember that feeling too?

But wherever you are planted, it is never too late to begin the inner work of healing. The 12 Keys of Sanity which culminate in Key 12 “Being a Loving Mirror” provide a series of recovery principles designed to help you see yourself as the person you need to change in your life in order to make your life better! This may be a harsh pill to swallow, but it is true.

For some, these principles alone provide a good foundation. For others, the support of others is crucial…This can come in the form of a recovery coach to help you move in the direction of your dreams while looking honestly at what is going on in your present life that you may want/need to look at in order to get there!
For others, who have experienced severe trauma or distress, the help of a coach can be supplemented by that of a therapist.

Many find help in a group setting. There are Alanon and Naranon meetings all over the country and all over the world. Once you start going, get a sponsor and begin the 12 steps of recovery, where tremendous healing can be found. I work the steps daily and have found tremendous strength and healing in them. But for me and many others, more help was needed.

To add to your recovery by combining the help of a group with that of a coach, feel free to join a Loving Mirror Coaching Group. For 12 weeks, you will gain the insights and professional guidance of a Family Recovery Coach, along with the support of a group of others who have decided to take the lead in their lives in learning how to improve their relationship with themselves and the others in their lives. It’s an inexpensive way to have both a coach and a support group, all in one and the meetings are as close as your phone! A new group starts tomorrow, Wednesday, 8-3-11 at 8 PM ET. To learn more, click here.

So, dear reader, there you are with your boyfriend of five years who turns out to be a drinker, a partier and the parent of 2 adult drug addicts. Only you can decide if you have hit the jackpot in a negative or positive way. Only you can decide if your best bet is to cut your losses and GET OUT or to stick around and play the song again.

If you decide to stay, if you do the INNER work, this time CAN be different. That may mean he will decide to get well due to your example OR it may mean your interests will become so blatantly dissimilar, that one or both of you may leave the relationship.

If you decide to leave, AND are willing to let go of relationships for awhile while you do the INNER work, next time CAN be different!

If you simply keep blaming this whole repeat performance on the OTHERS, chances are, you WILL keep bringing dysfunctional people into your life – to repeat the performance again and again….and only once you realize that the only constant in the play of dysfunctional people in and out of your life is YOU, will you start to decide it is time to begin an inner journey of your own.

By building a relationship with yourself first, your chance at building a great relationship with others will be greatly enhanced.

If I can be of further help to you on your journey, give me a call and we can set up a time to talk further.

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post will continue our focus on Key #2: Developing a Relationship with Yourself.

For me, one of the most interesting things about having a mindfulness meditation practice is what happens to my thoughts. They rise to the surface without freaking me out. It looks like this: I face a difficult situation and, instead of being overwhelmed by thoughts that lead to a knee jerk reaction, I internally ‘see’ the thoughts and become aware of the different perceptions going through my mind. This provides me with the time gap necessary to gain ground in Becoming a Loving Mirror.

And, the longer I meditate, the greater my ability to simply watch those thoughts, and then, choose the ones I am going to let go and the ones (if any) that I am going to act on. This ability to detach from one’s thoughts is a powerful side effect of mindfulness meditation that I, as a family member and a recovery coach, have found extremely helpful. That’s why, at the beginning of every Loving Mirror Coaching Group session, we spend five minutes cultivating the quality of mind that is able to detach by quieting our minds together.

Parts work, introduced in my last post, is a process of recognizing and giving voice to the many voices (aka thoughts) within in order to get to know them, share their concerns about how I am living my life, and, eventually, give them an option to evolve their perspective and role in my life.

These two practices, that of mindfulness and that of parts work, complement each other in that, when the thoughts are closer to the surface, they offer me clues to the inner perspectives of my parts that I may benefit from exploring.

I enjoy following up on these clues through my parts work, which I do through the type of written dialoguing that I described in my Key 1 blog post on Dialoguing with a Higher Power. (Of course dialoguing with ego parts has a different purpose than different than dialoguing with a Higher Power, but let’s talk more about that on another day.)

During yesterday’s monthly free Loving Mirror Teleseminar, my guest, Mindfulness Meditation Teacher Valerie York Zimmerman, guided participants through a couple of brief mindfulness exercises designed to quickly give practitioners relief from the incessant barrage of obsessive thoughts that can, at times, overtake the mind. Of course, being related to a person struggling with drugs and alcohol can increase one’s propensity to obsess and worry. Participants found the practice relaxing, and an interesting discussion ensued about how practicing this or any relaxation technique can impact not only one’s life, but that of one’s loved ones.

To learn this peaceful method of dealing with crisis in the moment, click here and I will send you today’s free teleseminar on Key 2 and Mindfulness.

All the best,
Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”

Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post will continue our focus on Key #2: Developing a Relationship with Yourself.

If you have ever found yourself wondering why a part of you feels one way while another feels the other, you may be ready to explore the topic of getting to know your ego parts. The very concept of having an ego that is made up of many parts each with their own perspective on you, your life, and the situations facing you, is one that has been written about, studied and taught extensively.

Thinkers, therapists, life coaches and teachers including Carl Jung (Active Imagination), Robert Schwartz (Internal Family Systems), Hal and Sidra Stone (Voice Dialogue), and Tim Kelley (True Purpose work) have written about, taught, and/or teach this understanding of the ego having parts or subpersonalities that play different roles in a person’s life.

If you are wondering if this cold be true, that your ego could be subdivided into a bunch of parts, each of which wants a say in how you run your life, think back on the last decision you made. Did you notice one part of you that wanted you to go in one direction and and another that wanted to go elsewhere? one part that wanted you to quickly move forward and another that was scared and wanted you to wait? Take a moment to think about this. Maybe you have a decision right now that is pressing against you. Something you want to take action on, but then again…

Each of these parts, or subpersonalities, was, according to this theory, formed at a point in your life when your ego felt you needed it. One might be a protector, another a controller. One could be a worrier, another a risk taker. Some of these parts are like cheerleaders, always telling you what a great job you are doing, while others doubt everything you do or say. Take a moment to stop reading for a moment and take out your journal or a piece of paper. Think about the functions of the parts within you. Do you have a manipulator? a scaredy cat? a wounded child? a crybaby? a victim? a bully? Keep going. Get them all down on paper. The one that gets you to clean up all the time and the one that keeps your place cluttered. The one that is constantly bugging you to improve your work habits and the one that says you work too hard and need to lay back and take it easy…

By now, you may be getting confused. You could be thinking that only sick people have multiple personalities. Well, there is an illness called multiple personality disorder. But that is not what we are talking about here. We are talking about multiple personalities. We all have them. The question is, are we in touch with them and how can speaking with them help you with Key #2: Having a Healthy Relationship with Yourself.

In my opinion, both written parts work and voice dialogue are amazing ways for a person to enhance their relationship with self. This week we will talk more about how these work and how these practices can calm the inner storms that so often go with life in relationship to any type of addict or dysfunctional person – including oneself!

In the meantime, make that list of your many parts. Think about all of the inner turmoil you experience. Name how the part in charge of that inner turmoil functions, and let’s talk again soon!

Looking forward to writing more about this topic soon and by the way, remember, this Thursday at 11 AM ET is the How Mindfulness Can Help You Become a Loving Mirror. We will speak with Mindfulness Instructor Valerie York Zimmerman AND she will teach participants the 3 Minute Breath Space, a mindfulness technique to calm your angst in a moment or crisis or upset. To sign up, go to Key2: Self . Even if you can’t attend, by signing up you will receive a copy of the recording which will give you the 3 Minute Breath Space to practice with at home!

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Continue Reading

Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post will focus on Key #2: Developing a Relationship with Yourself.

Everyday there is someone you wake up with, go to sleep with, eat with, watch TV with, pray with, talk to, listen to and live with 24/7. You were born together, you will die together and when your relationship is a good one, your life is oh so much more pleasant and easy to handle. But when you hate that someone, you live in constant turmoil.

That someone, if you haven’t already guessed, is yourself.

When the book How to Be Your Own Best Friend first came out in the 70′s, many people laughed. 30 years later, the importance of having a healthy relationship with yourself is well known. Yet, so many of us still battle those inner bad feelings toward ourselves, also known as “Low Self-Esteem”.

Key #2 is dedicated to this important relationship because of the important place this relationship plays in life. If you can’t stand yourself, chances are you don’t much like other people. By the same token, if you find yourself disliking other people, chances are, you don’t much like yourself. Likewise, if you are critical of others, you are probably really hard on yourself and visa-versa.

It’s impossible to escape the consequences of self-disdain and challenging to heal from such negative feelings toward oneself. But, hardly impossible.

To see where you are in this crucial relationship, ask yourself the following questions:

1. When you have nothing to do on a rainy Saturday, and no one you know is available to hang out with you, how do you feel about spending the day alone just relaxing in your own company, no TV, no distractions, just you, yourself, and you?

2. When you make a mistake at work or in front of others, do you feel humiliated and hold on to those feelings, continuing to relive them in your mind, or do you feel you have just had a learning experience and maybe even find yourself using it as an opportunity to enjoy a good laugh at your own imperfections?

3. When someone else isn’t perfect, do you jump on them for their mistakes? Do you, in other words, find the need to “get well on others” (feel better about yourself by making others feel bad about themselves)?

If you have a difficult time spending time by yourself without distractions, it may be you could use some work on that relationship with yourself. If you feel overwhelmingly embarrassed when you make mistakes in front of others, it may mean you could benefit from some work on your relationship with yourself. If you can’t stand imperfection in others and feel compelled to point out their mistakes and maybe even make fun of their gaffs, it may be that you are very critical of yourself, always requiring a level of perfection that you can never quite live up to.

This month, we will look at the relationship with self and talk about some ways to build that relationship, heal the inner rifts that may be holding you back from being your best self, and additional tips on how to improve the quality of that most basic of relationships: the relationship you have with yourself.

Until then,

Be Loving to YOURSELF!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the Twelve Keys to Sanity for Family Members of Addicts

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

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Congratulations! You made it through Thanksgiving!

Hopefully you had a wonderful time with family and friends. If an acting out addict or other dysfunctional loved one made things difficult, you still survived and hopefully everyone else did too!

So, where do you go from here?

If you have been following this blog this year and particularly this series for the past two weeks, you have most likely begun to pay more attention to your own self care, being a loving person and setting healthy boundaries. Or at least you have begun to think about doing so.

If you are finding the long haul of maintaining these new habits of mind challenging, foundations four will make your life so much easier!

This foundation, getting support, is all about adding people, places and things to your life that will help you continue to take better care of yourself, become more loving and set better boundaries, all with less stress and discomfort.

The type of support you may need is entirely individual, yet, there are some tried and true methods of getting help when you are struggling with the addiction of a loves one. These include: Alanon, Nar-anon, Gamanon, S-anon, recovery coaching, the Four Foundations of Family Recovery courses, and therapy. Each of these has its up and down sides and each has the potential to increase the peace within you immeasurably.

For a free report on the many types of support for family members, along with contact information, send me an email at recoverycoachbev@theempowermentcoach.net . When you do so, I’ll also send you my free e-book How Can I Get Them Sober? A Guide for Families and Friends of Alcoholics and Addicts and add you to my newsletter so these blog posts will come directly to your email!

All the best,

Coach Bev
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC, LTPC
Family Recovery Coach
www.theempowermentcoach.net/4-foundations-of-recovery.html
786 859 4050

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This week, I’d like to share a post I just wrote about finding your life purpose in recovery.

To read it, please go to www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com .

Thanks for tuning in. Would love to hear your feedback!

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC
Family Recovery Coach
Author of the forthcoming book and the course on:
The Four Foundations of Family Recovery: Simple Ideas to Transform Chaos to Serenity
Next teleseminar begins Thursday, 10/21/10 from 5-6:30 PM ET. To register go to
www.theempowermentcoach.net – follow link to 4 foundations of recovery
www.12stepfamily.com
www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
www.intherooms.com

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I have a developed a model of family recovery called the Four Foundations of Family Recovery© (and have a forthcoming book I’m writing by that name).

Its premise is that these four foundations (self-care, being a loving person, setting boundaries, and getting support) hold within them all that a parent or spouse needs to begin and fortify a healthy recovery journey for themselves, which will deeply affect not only their life but that of their addicted loved one as well.

I have worked with clients on developing these four foundations© in their lives and would be happy to do so with you if it is of interest.

You may read an introduction to them on this blog (www.12stepfamily.com) in the March 7-11 entries. These four foundations can give us a framework for working together.

Taking a look at the Four Foundations of Family Recovery© in the blog entries mentioned above and as summarized below, answer the following questions. If you wish, you can send your answers to me at bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net and we can use them as a starting point for a complimentary coaching session :

1. What questions do you have about the Four Foundations©?
2. Where are you in making them a reality in your life?
3. Where would you like to be?

Self Care – taking care of one’s self (hygiene, health, physical fitness, personal and professional responsibilities, emotions, mental health, spiritual well-being regardless of what is going on with the addict)

Being a Loving Person – (treating all of the addicts and non-addicts in one’s life with respect, understanding that all people are, at their core, whole and healthy regardless of how they are presenting in any one moment. This includes not doing for another person what he or she can do for her or himself, not name calling or yelling, listening, sharing your truth calmly and without judgment, being your best self in relations to yourself and others. Being a loving person to yourself is where it all begins and it radiates out from there. Mirroring what you see the addict doing in a non-judgmental fashion is a key part of this process (which we will explore in the coaching relationship)

Setting Boundaries – This means setting boundaries for ONE’S OWN benefit. One does not set boundaries to control or change the addict, but rather to insure that one’s own sanity and inner peace are kept where one wants them to be. Boundary setting is crucial to being in relationship with an addict and is one of the main things that breaks down (along with the other three foundations) when one is in the thick of one’s own co-addiction. Boundaries can be set around time, possessions, living arrangements, money or any other thing one wants to set boundaries around. They are most settable and keepable and effective when set in concert with one living the other three foundations rather than in isolation.

Getting Support – Perhaps this could be the first foundation rather than the fourth as without support it is very very difficult to implement the other three. Support can include whatever you use to help you live in recovery from the disease of co-addiction: Alanon, Nar-Anon, having a recovery coach, having a therapist, supportive friends and family to talk to, etc.

The message of this week is YOU DON’T HAVE TO GO IT ALONE!

There is help for you and it is as near as your phone!

I challenge you to assess where you are in setting your four foundations into place and offer you a chance to talk about where you are and where you would like to be!

For more information, give me a call and let’s talk! Or if you would like to receive more information about the four foundations through email, send me an email to let me know at bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net.

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC
Family Recovery Coach
786 859 4050
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com
www.intherooms.com

Last chance to join the nine week teleseminar on Life Purpose in Recovery starting this week!
call for more info or check out www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com

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Ever notice how addicting being involved with an addict or alcoholic can be? The up and down of it that’s almost like an adrenalin rush; the feeling of panic when you are waiting for the addict to come home; the frustration of trying so hard to get through to someone who appears to be completely unreasonable; the continuing obsession of the mind with the addict’s behavior; the isolation and shame that only grow with time.

When the addict is a spouse, a lover or a friend, there is this inexplicable attachment to a person who keeps doing the wrong thing. They act badly and yet, you keep coming back again and again for more. When you confide your situation to others they ask: Why do you stay? “I love him/her” you answer. And a part of you believes that, while another part of you knows that you are as addicted to the addict as the addict is to the drink or fix.

When the addict is your child (whether 16 or 60) you may find yourself helping him or her again and again though the help doesn’t seem to do anything but keep them alive and using their drug of choice. Sobriety seems like the last thing they want or can attain, and yet, you keep giving them the money they need to survive (so they can use all they have for their drug).

Whether it is love or addiction, being with an addict can be all-consuming, but it doesn’t have to be. And in fact, when it isn’t, your ability to help the addict actually increases.

So, it is possible to get your life back, regardless of whether the addict decides to stop using or not. The only question is how?

For one thing, remember the four foundations of family recovery: self-care, being a loving person, setting boundaries, and getting support.

Self care, in particular, can help you get your life back. Self care is key to getting your life back because it takes the addict out of the center of your awareness. Once you begin taking care of yourself, feeling healthy, calm and fit can become a positive addiction. You may take up jogging, swimming, or taking a power walk everyday. All of these activities can help you clear your mind and relax. Every moment spent focusing on a positive, healthy activity or outlet for your energy is time spent letting go of your obsession with the addict.

Make a list of all the things in your life you have been neglecting, from eating healthy, to going to the dentist, to having a yearly physical, to taking a walk, to having fun with friends regularly. Choose one or two this week to add to your life. Continue to add one each week, until you find yourself taking personal responsibility for your own health and well-being.

Untangling your life from that of an addict doesn’t necessarily mean leaving the addict. It does however, mean leaving behind the addictive aspect of your relationship to your addict.Come back to the blog in a day or two to learn about how being a loving person can help you get your life back!

Coach Bev
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC
786 859 4050
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
www.intherooms.com
www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com

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When things are out of control, it’s natural to want to bring balance back into life. For co-addicts, this often translates into trying to get the addict to ‘do the right thing.’ Whether the right thing of the moment is to stop drinking or drugging, to get a job, to go to meetings, the request often turns into nagging, yelling, crying, pleading or begging. And much of the time, it doesn’t work.

“Well, what do you mean,” you may ask. “Yelling is the ONLY way I get my addict to comply.” or
“Crying always works.” or “Begging always gets to him.”

But I ask you, how long do the results last? And how long does it take until you have to do it all over again?

26 years ago, soon after I went to my first Alanon meeting, an alcoholic friend of my taught me the “Alanon cheer.” Suffice it to say, it involved the co-alcoholic wagging his or her finger in judgment and disdain in the face of the alcoholic while nagging the alcoholic about something or other.

Things haven’t changed much over those years. Untreated family members still nag and untreated addicts still ignore them, except when it suits them.

Have you heard of the 3 C’s of the family recovery programs?
You didn’t Cause the addiction
You can’t Control it
and You can’t Cure it….

But then there is the fourth C: You don’t have to Contribute to it!

Nagging, harrassing, begging, pleading, controlling, yelling, screaming. These all contribute to the addict’s illness. They don’t make things better in the long run. They don’t provide balance in an unbalanced situation. they neither control nor cure the addict’s problem.

So what does?

This takes us back to the Four Foundations of Family Recovery:

1. self care
2. being a loving person
3. setting boundaries (for your own sanity and well-being
4. getting support.

In the long run, these are not guarantees that your addict will get well. But, they are guarantees for your own balance, sense of self-control and general well-being. When you act from a sense of balance, you have the presence of mind to ‘be there’ for your addict in a meaningful, rather than a desperate, way. You have the ability to think clearly and make better decisions. You know the difference between what is your business and what is the addict’s business.

So, what do you do with the urge to control your addict’s every move? Start by controlling your every move.
Get yourself to a meeting (find one at www.alanon.org or www.naranon.org or www.alanonphonemeetings.org), go to the Dr’s appts you have been skipping because you have been too busy in other people’s business, put your health and well-being first, and start treating your addict with the respect everyone of God’s children deserves – regardless of whether or not he or she is meeting your expectations of how to live life. Start to really LIVE your life yourself. Enjoy your moments, hours and days; stay in preesnt time; Breathe deeply and enjoy the company of the people around you without allowing every other word you speak to be about the addict in your life.

Of course that’s just the beginning and at the same time it’s an awful lot.

They say there are only 4 ends to an addict: jail, death, recovery or institution. The same can be said for the co-addict. Stop your obsession and begin to live a life in recovery TODAY!

If you could use some help with the “how” of all of this recovery stuff, give me a call! I’m Bev and I’m a Family Recovery Coach. I help families of addicts regain their balanced center and thereby be much more helpful to their addict.

You can reach me at 786 859 4050.

Bev Buncher, MA,CEC
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com

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