12 Step Family

Hi Everyone!

Dealing with an addict’s behavior is one of the toughest things a family member, friend or work colleague can be asked to do! My colleague Melissa Killeen calls the harm done to the family part of the collateral damage of addiction and she asked me, as an expert in family recovery coaching, to list some tips to help family members deal with their addict’s behaviors. So I did. Click here to see that post.

Melissa is a recovery coach for business owners who are in recovery, perhaps just getting out of treatment,  go the the next step by dealing with the collateral damage of their addiction. She has the coaching, recovery, and business expertise to help the newly sober do the work to reestablish their lives effectively.  We work well together, she with the business owner and I with their family.

In addition, once a person is established in their sobriety, one thing I do is help them figure out the contribution they are meant to make in their life through my Life Purpose in Recovery Coaching. (To learn more about this or any other services I offer, click here.)

Hope we will have the opportunity to serve you! Check out the recent post I wrote for Melissa’s blog by clicking here. Once you get to the blog, you will also have access to her wide range of recovery coaching information  as well!

Best to you and yours,

Coach Bev

To set up a complimentary coaching session with me, click here.

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Breathing through each moment is about staying conscious, in the moment, even when things are difficult to handle and life dishes out more than we think we can possibly bear. The past couple of months challenged me to do so in completely new ways (see yesterday’s post). I can honestly say that i used this key, breathe through each moment, to help me stay sane. And I’m also aware that I could have used it more often.

There are many ways to pursue breathwork. Many forms of meditation focus on the breath, as does yoga. I sit in meditation most mornings and focus on my breath. When I do so regularly, I carry a sense of calm into the rest of my day that allows me to relax from within, think more clearly and breathe through good or bad news rather than do what I used to do.

Have you ever gotten upset and gasped? Next time you do, watch what happens next. Often, you will simply hold your breath as if doing so will keep away any more bad news. It doesn’t work AND it lessens your ability to cope with the news you are hearing.

This keys asks that you not do that. That if you find yourself gasping, you let the air out of that gasp and quite consciously continue to breathe, slowly and steadily, in and out. You’ll be amazed at how calm this simple practice will help you stay.

So, what if you try to do so and you simply can’t? What if you are so tense and involved with waiting for the other shoe to drop that your sense of calm has gone out the window and your breathing is not something you feel you can use to help you regain it?

Don’t despair!

Here are two exercises that will help you practice improving your ability to do so.

Exercise #1:

Whenever the phone rings, instead of mindlessly reaching for it, do this instead:

As soon as you hear the phone ring, breathe in deeply and slowly as you reach for it. Then, let your breath out and answer it. Just this exercise alone will bring you a sense of calm and mindfulness. You will become aware of a well of silence in the midst of your busy day that you can dip into at will. Your shoulders will relax and your mind will as well.

Exercise #2:

Anytime you are about to reach for your door knob to enter or leave your home or answer a knock on the door, do this before opening it:

As you are turning the knob, breathe in deeply and slowly. Then, let your breath out and open the door. This will allow you to break that expectation of “waiting for the other shoe to drop”.  Life is to be lived in seconds and moments and the stillness can add peace to every one of our moments regardless of what is happening in the world around us.

Doing these practices or any breathing practices doesn’t immunize you from upset, trauma or difficulty. Rather, it provides a deep source of silence within yourself that you can count on to give you greater peace and patience to handle life on life’s terms, one day at a time.

Doing so is best done with support….Please allow me to share this commercial with you. If you or someone you know is affected by someone else’s drinking or drugging, please allow me to help you or them and if you think it can help, please share this with them:

Is your loved one’s drinking or using ruining your holiday season?

It doesn’t have to. Take a sanity break! You deserve it!

Join others also affected by their loved ones’ behaviors and learn  new ways to cope, survive and thrive – regardless of your loved one’s decisions –

 with the Loving Mirror™ approach!

Individual and group sessions available on the phone or in person.

Sliding scale will protect your wallet as well!

For more information, call:

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC*

Family Recovery Coach

786-859-4050

bbuncher@beverlybuncher.com

www.beverlybuncher.com

*as featured in The Sun Sentinel online http://articles.sun-sentinel.com/2011-11-16/news/fl-mcf-lifecoach-1110-20111116_1_addicts-sports-coach-family-center

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post is the sixth in a month-long series on Key Four. This Key is known as the Four C’s: “You Didn’t Cause It, You Can’t Control It, You Can’t Cure It. BUT, You DON’T Have to Contribute To It.”

The ability to Be A Loving Mirror (BALM) takes motivation and understanding. Last month we learned about the three relationships (that with God, self, and others) and how to develop them to help you regain your peace and sanity. Next, There are four cornerstones to help you build the understanding you need to move forward through the four foundations to the goal of Being A Loving Mirror. The first cornerstone is the Four C’s. Learn the 4 C’s well. They will play a KEY role in allowing you to experience the sanity of family recovery. This post, Recovery for the Addict and the Co-Addict is part six of a serialization of my chapter on the 4 C’s in my upcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity.

Recovery for the Addict

This is what every family member dreams of, prays for, and works for: recovery for the addict. So, just what is it, how does it happen and, and though we know we are powerless over a cure, how can we help it occur?
Recovery for the addict is a process. While some addicts appear to simply stop one day, there is a whole lot going on under the surface that made that action possible (see the chapter on The Six Stages of Change).

Recovery often happens when the addict ‘hits bottom’, but this isn’t always necessary. Education can lead an addict to recovery as can smaller consequences along the way. The miracle of recovery is seen in the restoration of body, mind and relationships, at least with those who are willing to forgive the addict for all that happened during the active days of addiction.

Here’s what is important for you to know: your addict’s recovery has a better chance of happening and maintaining, when you and the family are supportive. But, an addict can get and stay sober without any family or friends around. What I’m saying is that an addict’s recovery is totally between himself and his Higher Power, but:

• Can be slowed down by dysfunctional behavior on the part of the family
• Can be hastened by the functional behavior of the family members
• Can be responsive to outside input given at the right time and in the right way (see chapter 3 on the six stages of change).

Family Recovery

So, now let’s talk about your recovery. By now I hope you are beginning to see why it might be a good idea to consider pursuing your own recovery. Just as in the addict’s case, family recovery is a process. It takes times to restore sanity, to heal relationships, to gain the capacity to respond serenely and quietly to previously enraging situations.

While there is no guarantee of what will happen to the addict if you do recover, make no mistake about it: You are your addict’s BEST chance of recovering and staying recovered…just not in the ways you previously thought! (and you will learn more about that in Key 7 and a later chapter of the book!)

If you would like to learn more about the 4 C’s, join me for a conversation this Wednesday evening, September 21, 2011, for my Monthly Free Loving Mirror Teleseminar. To learn more and to sign up for the teleseminar and a free recording, click here. . Looking forward to sharing my experience strength, strength and hope on the 4 C’s, hearing yours, and answering any questions you may have about how to stop contributing to your loved one’s addiction and how to start contributing to their recovery!

Until then,

All the best to you and yours,

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC
Family Recovery Coach
www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

Helping families blaze the trail to sobriety in their homes.

Click here for a complimentary consult with Coach Bev

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post is the fourth in a month-long series on Key Four. This Key is known as the Four C’s: “You Didn’t Cause It, You Can’t Control It, You Can’t Cure It. BUT, You DON’T Have to Contribute To It.”

The ability to Be A Loving Mirror (BALM) takes motivation and understanding. Last month we learned about the three relationships (that with God, self, and others) and how to develop them to help you regain your peace and sanity. Next, There are four cornerstones to help you build the understanding you need to move forward through the four foundations to the goal of Being A Loving Mirror. The first cornerstone is the Four C’s. Learn the 4 C’s well. They will play a KEY role in allowing you to experience the sanity of family recovery. This post, BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO CONTRIBUTE TO IT is part four of a serialization of my chapter on the 4 C’s in my upcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity.

But You Don’t Have To Contribute To it

By now, perhaps you are feeling a combination of relief and hopelessness. I’ve told you it’s not your fault your addict uses (Whew! What a relief!) But I’ve also told you that you can’t control or cure the using no matter what you do (Oh no! So now what do I do?).

The way you may be feeling right now, is why I’ve never felt the three C’s are enough information to help family members in their recovery. Fortunately for me, when I first got into recovery I learned about the fourth C and it has made ALL the difference in my life and the life of my family. Once we understand that we didn’t cause it, we can’t control it, and we can’t cure it, it is time to look at our own behavior.

When family members first come in contact with a recovery coach , coaching group, treatment center or Alanon meeting, they can often be heard saying, “Why do I need help? I’m not the one with the problem?” My answer in response to that can be found in the 4 C’s, especially the fourth one: You don’t have to contribute to it!

Though we didn’t cause it, can’t control it and cannot cure it, there are things we can do that could either make the situation better or worse and it is our choice as to whether we want to contribute to our addict’s disease process or to their potential recovery.

By the end of this month of posts, you will know exactly what those things are! Meanwhile, as background to understand this, stay tuned to my next post, where we will begin to understand addiction, co-addiction, and recovery for both the addict and the co-addict.

If you are finding yourself unable to wait, click here for the full chapter (in an older edition) and lots of other 12 Keys handouts, recordings, and information.

–
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post is the first in a month-long series on Key Four, which is the first of the Four Cornerstones. This Key is known as the Four C’s: “You Didn’t Cause It, You Can’t Control It, You Can’t Cure It. BUT, You DON’T Have to Contribute To It.”

The ability to Be A Loving Mirror takes motivation and understanding. There are four cornerstones to help you build the understanding you need to move forward through the four foundations to the goal of Being A Loving Mirror. The first cornerstone is the Four C’s. Learn the 4 C’s well. They will play a KEY role in allowing you to enter the sanity of family recovery. The next several posts are a serialization of my chapter on the 4 C’s in my upcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity.

Did you ever walk into a room that was burning? Perhaps the stove was on fire or a pot was shooting flames. You did not start that fire and you may not be able to stop it, but there are things you can do that will make it stronger or weaker. Did you douse it with oil or water? One makes the fire worse; the other helps put it out. Sometimes, when the fire is completely out of control, the best thing you can do is get out of the room and the house and call the fire company. Staying and trying to put it out will only kill you.

When it comes to being in relationship with an addict, the parallels are not exact, but in some ways, you are dealing with a fire you did not start and you will probably not be able to put out. The question is, will you fan the flames or help distinguish them? Do you know which actions will hurt and which will help? This chapter will let you know what is meant by the 4 C’s and the rest of the book is here to show you which of your actions will contribute to your loved one’s addiction and which could help bring about their recovery. (You’ll notice I wrote ‘could help’. There are no guarantees that the principles you learn in this book will bring about recovery for your addict. The only guarantee is that if you apply these principles to your own life, your own chaos will transform to sanity. But, just as chaos is catchy, so, too is sanity. So, by working on increasing the peace in your own life, you give your addict a better chance of ‘catching’ your new way of life, of wanting what you have and moving forward to get it.) So, let’s get started.

‘You Didn’t Cause Your Loved one’s Addiction’

The fact is, unless you sat with your loved one day after day, forcing them to take drugs or drink alcohol; you didn’t turn them into an addict. They picked up their first drug or drink (or whatever their substance or behavior is). They made an initial decision to use and soon, there were not more decisions to make. At a certain point, they were hooked and that was that. The drug was choosing them. It had dug its tentacles into their brain and they were automatically going after it day after day. At first to feel good. Then, just to feel at all, and, finally, just to numb any feelings they had and just survive.

So, if you have been sitting around with feelings of guilt and a case of the ‘if only’s’, as in if only I hadn’t…

• Let him out of the house
• Allowed her to hang out with those kids
• Worked so much

Or if only I had…

• Been a better husband/wife
• Been home more
• Kept a better eye on what was going on

…he/she wouldn’t have started drinking, it’s time to let that guilt go. You didn’t make their disease happen. You’re just not that powerful. And while we are on the topic of your power, here is another light bulb for you to turn on in your head: Your loved one’s addiction is not about you. It is about them. You are not at the center of their universe. They are on their own journey. And the fact that they became addicted is not about you.

Take a look for a moment at the synonyms of the word cause:
source, root, origin, basis, foundation, reason.

While your addict may tell you that you are the reason he uses, I’m here to tell you that what you are hearing is his addiction speaking at you. By bestowing guilt upon you, making you the reason he uses, your loved one is letting go of all personal responsibility for his behaviors. She is saying, “It’s not my fault, it’s yours!”

Perhaps you’ve believed that up until now. This book will show you why that is NOT true and how to take back responsibility for what you are truly responsible for: your actions and reactions to the situation you are in. It will also show you how to give the addict back her personal responsibility for her own life and that starts right here, with your really getting it that it is NOT your fault that he is an addict. You did not cause it.

So if you didn’t cause it, what did?

There are lots of theories about that. Genetics may be a part of the mix. As twin and adoptee studies often show, alcoholism often shows up regardless of the environment in which a child is raised. (footnote) So let go of the guilt. Even if your child inherited the gene for addiction from you, you did not intend for that to happen, so it is NOT YOUR FAULT!

The 12 Keys invite you to look at this entire situation of being related to an addict in a different light: Yes, there is this awful, frightening, life threatening thing happening to someone you love. But, there are also many wonderful things about this person and about the relationship you have (or had in the past) that you may also choose to focus on. There are wonderful things that most likely came out of knowing this person – such as, for instance:

• the great people you met through them
• the children you birthed through your marriage together
• your own growth as a result of being involved with someone who has stretched you to your limit…

I don’t know your details. But I do know there are always many ways to view any situation. Seeing only the sadness in a situation only goes so far, especially if it is your goal to make things better. So, start to look for things that make you feel better about your life and your relationship with your loved one. It is a mental habit that will serve you well.

In our next post we will continue this chapter with “You Can’t Control It” – stay tuned!

Feeling impatient? To read an older version of the Four C’s in full, plus have access to other 12 Keys essentials click here.

–
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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The trauma of having a child, friend or relative using substances without regard to their health or safety, or that of anyone else, is one of life’s most difficult challenges. What tools do you find most effective in helping you regain your sanity when you see someone you love doing things that you know could harm themselves or others and there is nothing you can do to stop them?

When it comes to relating to those we love, especially but not exclusively those who use drugs, alcohol, or other addictive substances or behaviors, it is important to have a toolbox of spiritual, mental, and physical techniques available to you so that you do not fall apart because of their issues.

Here are a few that I and my clients have found helpful as we walk our path. See if any of them work for you:

1. Consciously breathe. The breath is one of the greatest tools we have to bring our minds back to calm when fearful thoughts threaten to take over. Notice I said fearful THOUGHTS, not fearful BEHAVIORS OF OTHERS. It is not others’ behaviors that destroy our peace of mind, but how we think about those behaviors. Breathing slowly, calmly and deeply, can help us stay fully present to whatever situation is facing us and allow us to focus on our next best step, rather than on the racing thoughts of fear and of possible tragic outcomes that tend to rush through our minds when faced with our loved one’s behaviors.

2. Become aware of yourself exactly in relation to exactly where you are RIGHT NOW. You see your loved one in an intoxicated state. Or they are telling you a story or problem with potentially dire consequences. You have started to use tool one, Consciously Breathe, but still you feel your thoughts racing. Now, as you continue to breathe, take a look around. Become aware of the wallpaper, the ceiling fan, the diningroom chair fabric. Allow your eyes to embrace your environment and see the detail and beauty in a new way. You get the picture. Take your focus off of your fear and put it right where you are. Allow yourself to see the world around you in THIS moment in order to further relax calm yourself.

3. Become aware of yourself in your environment If you are outside, feel the sun on your skin and the grass under your toes. If you are in a chair, feel your body touching the chair and your feet touching the floor. If your arms are crossed. feel your fingers touching your arms. Keep breathing of course and just focus on yourself, in your environment, breathing.

These three tools, of breathing, focusing on the present moment environment, and focusing on yourself IN the environment, all have tremendous power to bring you back to the present momen,t regardless of the news you are hearing about what just happened to your loved one or the thoughts your mind is playing about what could happen. This isn’t about going off into la-la land. It is about becoming able to hear what people are telling us without going into full battle mode, which after awhile, can create an inner trauma loop in our minds that keeps us from relating effectively to our loved ones.

Being related to someone who is often doing dangerous things, can create trauma in us. However, if we begin to ground ourselves in our own body, in our own breath, in our own environment, in the moment, we will begin to be able to physically experience the ability to detach with love. We will have a sense of inner calm that will allow us to respond in a manner appropriate to the situation, without all of the intense mental thought clutter we used to have that is grounded less in reality than in fear and panic.

To relate to others in the moment, with lovingkindness and effectiveness, to Be that Loving Mirror (TM), it is crucial to develop our own ability to feel a sense of calm underlying all that we think, do, and say. Not easy, but simple. With daily practice, you will own these tools and BE there for others in ways you had previously not thought possible. MORE importantly, you will be there for yourself, as the inner calm will minimize the wear and tear on your body and mind that stress often brings.

Practice these three things even when not hearing bad news. Practice BEING in the moment on a regular basis and the skill will be there for you when you need it.

Let me know how it is going for you!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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Expectations of others don’t work. They get us in trouble and make us miserable. Often, the others we are expecting to act in a specific way don’t do what we expect them to do and then we feel let down and disappointed. Those feelings often translate into our treating them in a dismissive or disgruntled way which wounds the relationship even further.

So, what does that mean? Shouldn’t we be able to have standards of how others we associate with act and treat us? Isn’t it my right to expect that others will behave in ways that I can live with?

Well, it depends on what you want from the situation. If you are just getting to know someone and are considering them as a life partner, best friend, or business partner, knowing what you want from the relationship and being aware of whether the person fits the bill can be very important in helping you determine whether to go on with the relationship or not.

Or, if you are making a decision as to whether to continue with a relationship that has been on the decline and you are aware that certain things about the person are not things you can live with and you want out, using discernment as to whether or not you choose to live with those things anymore can be very helpful as well.

But, if you are in a relationship for the long haul either as a spouse, a parent, a child or a friend, and you find yourself, over and over again, expecting the person you love to live their life the way you think they should live it, and they have a different idea or simply cannot comply, it may be time to ask yourself if that expectation is really serving you or the relationship. Here’s an example:

Let’s say, you have an expectation that your loved one come home for dinner each evening by 6 PM. It’s a ‘reasonable’ expectation, don’t you think? But somehow, they never make it. Sometimes they come at 6:30, sometimes at 7, sometimes at 9 and sometimes not at all…You’ve tried everything. You’ve yelled, screamed, given them the silent treatment and calmly told them that this is not acceptable. Yet, the behavior continues.

Inside, you are so angry, you are boiling.

This family member is ruining the dinner hour for you and everyone else. They are a bad example for the rest of the family members and after you get through postponing and seething through the hour or two or three of waiting for them each evening, the rest of the family is, quite frankly, starved, angry and frustrated as well – as much with you as with your loved one.

So, what do you do? Well, just to mix things up, what if you simply let go of the expectation that they come home at all. Accept that they may or may not come home for dinner, and put your focus on making a delicious dinner (if that is your job) for the rest of the family members. You may decide to set a place for them or not. If not and they show up, they can set one when they get there. If so, and they don’t, you can either leave theirs out for when they do come (if there is any food left) OR put their place setting away and let them completely fend for themselves when they get home.

If it feels unmanageable, unfair, untenable to do this, to let them get away with this without letting them know how awful it is, I have a surprise for you: They are already getting away with it already. As for your histrionic and/or seething reactions to their behavior, your loved one is probably immune to it…After awhile, nagging behavior becomes invisible or is simply used as an excuse to use more, drink more and stay out later.

In AA, they talk about dropping the rock. The rock can be anything that is holding us back from being our best and enjoying the potentially wonderful life that recovery offers us. By dropping the rock of expectation from your relationships with others, you can enjoy them when they are around just as they are, without always insisting they be who you want them to be.

It’ll allow you and your other family members to enjoy mealtime again, it will potentially improve your relationship with your loved one and, interestingly enough, it may give them less of a reason to stay away…

When one person in a relationship changes their behavior, the dynamics of the relationship must change.

Of course, changing your own attitudes, actions and reactions is challenging. That’s what the 12 Keys will do. By working to become a Loving Mirror in your loved one’s life, you WILL improve the quality of YOUR life and hopefully, theirs as well!

It’d be great to have you in our upcoming Loving Mirror Coaching group! There you will find partners in growth to insure your path and a coach to help you shine a light on your own inner wisdom! Learn more at www.beverlybuncher.com/loving mirror/.

See you there!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”

Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post will is the first in a month-long series that will post on Developing Relationships with Others.

Recently I received this post from a reader:

Dear Bev, after being married to an alchoholic for 20 years, I got divorced, I met a wonderful man I was dating for almost 5 years. We only saw each other on the weekends. As we became closer it became clear he is also an alchoholic and partier & to top it off his 2 adult children are drug users. I am devistated. I feel duped and stupid. How did I miss the signs this time? – Feeling betrayed…

Dear Betrayed,

First of all, thank you so much for your note and question. Your willingness to put out there the exact dilemma that so many ex-spouses of alcoholics/addicts face will help many others better understand the seeming insanity of what has happened to you.

Many people who marry an active addict the first time around often find an equally dysfunctional person the second time around (and in some cases the 3rd, 4th, and 5th time as well…).

So, what is that about and what does this have to do with the 3rd Key to Sanity: Developing Loving Relationships with Others?

Everyday of our lives, we are bombarded with images of what the ideal mate looks like, talks like, acts like. We see, on television and in the movies, people with perfect bodies, perfect jobs, perfect smiles, and lots and lots of money and we see what they have as what we really want, but yet, the only place we see life playing out like that is on fictionalized shows and in movies. We may go to church, temple, mosque or synagogue and get a different perspective on what good and perfect mean and begin to develop ideals that compete with those of the media and culture around us.

Then, deep inside of us are the tapes we’ve been playing since our childhood of what we are worth, who we deserve, what we can get in life and what kind of life we will live. If our parents were dysfunctional in anyway and/or if they abused us emotionally or physically, we carry those tapes of being less than. If we were sexually abused by anyone, in our family or outside of our family, we carry those tapes of shame and unworthiness.

When we look for a mate initially, we carry all of these competing views of ourselves and others along for the search. Unless we have developed a very strong relationship with a Higher Power along with a very healthy, sense of self and a relationship with ourselves that consciously and subconsciously knows what is best for us and will accept nothing less than that, chances are, our choices may have been less than ideal. Then, once we have a marriage, we begin to think of ourselves in certain ways and to see our lives in certain ways based on what we experience in relation to our mate. And if that mate is an active alcoholic/addict, we may feel extremely isolated, confused, lonely, and afraid. How did this person who we loved so much turn into such a_________________ (you fill in the blank- monster, meanie,etc.)

So, there we are in a marriage with another person who at first appeared to be very much in sync with who/what we wanted in life, but now, as we look deeper, has lots of issues that we have no idea how to cope with. Being stuck like that, many of us put the dysfunctional coping mechanisms we learned at home into place. We cry, sulk, scream and yell to get them to behave better toward us. When these don’t work, we ignore, get bitter, put our interests and energy elsewhere, and, if we don’t have the means or guts to GET OUT, or if our religious beliefs encourage us to stick it out NO MATTER WHAT, we ENDURE.

Perhaps you can relate to that scenario. Your story may be quite different. If possible, find a piece of it that works for you and stay with me here.

So, after awhile, six months, six years, 12 years, 20 years, 35 years later, you change your mind. You are done enduring and decide to get the heck out of this unendurable marriage and start over. So you do. Maybe your spouse did the unspeakable: cheated on you, and that was your breaking point. Or maybe after the 16th time they cheated on you, you realized this was not going to get better and you left. Or maybe they left you for the other woman/man. Anyway, you get the picture. The marriage is OVER, done, finished.

You are out on your own, finally out from under the thumb of this person who “made you so miserable.”

Now what?

For many who find themselves in this position, it’s lonely! Even though the marriage was lonely, someone was at least THERE. There was a warm body on the other side of the bed or in the next room and not everything about the marriage was bad, etc., etc., …Of course, not everyone is that upset. The freedom can be intoxicating! the chance to meet others and have a good time is grand.

But now what?

All of the above is written to set the scenario for meeting partner #2. After whatever amount of time you have taken to ‘get over’ the last one, you begin to look for your next mate. Perhaps you hardly have to look at all and they find you…or perhaps you spend years looking. Either way, the hunt is on.

Finally, you meet. Certain that this time will be different, you find someone who is not an alcoholic, not an addict, not a…the list goes on. Or so you think. So you get together to live happily ever after. Sometimes the honeymoon lasts weeks, sometimes years. But eventually, it comes out: They may not be an alcoholic, but they may instead take pills or have a sex addiction or a gambling addiction. And there you are again in your own new version of the same Hell you endured the last time around…or maybe something even worse…

What went wrong?

The reason Key 3: Developing Relationships with Other People comes 3rd and not 1st, is that without good strong inner work on ourselves, our relationships with others will often come up short. What I’m saying here is that the relationships we have with others are much more about us than about them! and the kinds of people we choose to have in our lives are also much more about us than about them!

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that life with an alcoholic or addict is easy. I’m not saying that if you aren’t yet married and you find that your partner is deeply troubled (sex addict, drug addict, gambler, alcoholic, etc.) you shouldn’t run as fast and as far as you can.

What I am saying is that when you look at who you are involved with, who your friends are or aren’t (if you don’t have any), or who you choose to end up with as a partner, the most important person in the relationship vis-a-vis these choices can be found right in your own mirror.

So, what does this all mean?

As shared at the beginning of this post, all kinds of outside input from society, school, friends, and parents, contribute to how we see ourselves and what we think we are worthy of in life. When we really want the perfect mate, but on some level feel we aren’t worthy of him or her, the feelings will often win out. Getting our insides congruent with our outsides, our feelings congruent with our desires, is one piece of the puzzle of finding the right person. Jerry and Esther Hicks write about this in all of their books about the Law of Attraction.

Another key to becoming congruent on the level of feeling, is to do the deeper work of healing the sorrow of a less than perfect childhood and unhappy1st marriage. This can be approached through therapy, 12 step work, parts work, voice dialogue, and/or other emotional healing modalities.

Life choices happen on so many levels, many of which are below the surface of our conscious awareness. Once we are in a difficult situation, it can be much more difficult and complicated to get out of it than it was to get into it in the first place.

For those who are not yet involved in a first or second dysfunctional relationship, yet have a history of family dysfunction behind them, the best advice is to do the inner work first. I remember being given that advice and feeling too anxious to get my life moving toward the future, marriage, kids, etc… Maybe you remember that feeling too?

But wherever you are planted, it is never too late to begin the inner work of healing. The 12 Keys of Sanity which culminate in Key 12 “Being a Loving Mirror” provide a series of recovery principles designed to help you see yourself as the person you need to change in your life in order to make your life better! This may be a harsh pill to swallow, but it is true.

For some, these principles alone provide a good foundation. For others, the support of others is crucial…This can come in the form of a recovery coach to help you move in the direction of your dreams while looking honestly at what is going on in your present life that you may want/need to look at in order to get there!
For others, who have experienced severe trauma or distress, the help of a coach can be supplemented by that of a therapist.

Many find help in a group setting. There are Alanon and Naranon meetings all over the country and all over the world. Once you start going, get a sponsor and begin the 12 steps of recovery, where tremendous healing can be found. I work the steps daily and have found tremendous strength and healing in them. But for me and many others, more help was needed.

To add to your recovery by combining the help of a group with that of a coach, feel free to join a Loving Mirror Coaching Group. For 12 weeks, you will gain the insights and professional guidance of a Family Recovery Coach, along with the support of a group of others who have decided to take the lead in their lives in learning how to improve their relationship with themselves and the others in their lives. It’s an inexpensive way to have both a coach and a support group, all in one and the meetings are as close as your phone! A new group starts tomorrow, Wednesday, 8-3-11 at 8 PM ET. To learn more, click here.

So, dear reader, there you are with your boyfriend of five years who turns out to be a drinker, a partier and the parent of 2 adult drug addicts. Only you can decide if you have hit the jackpot in a negative or positive way. Only you can decide if your best bet is to cut your losses and GET OUT or to stick around and play the song again.

If you decide to stay, if you do the INNER work, this time CAN be different. That may mean he will decide to get well due to your example OR it may mean your interests will become so blatantly dissimilar, that one or both of you may leave the relationship.

If you decide to leave, AND are willing to let go of relationships for awhile while you do the INNER work, next time CAN be different!

If you simply keep blaming this whole repeat performance on the OTHERS, chances are, you WILL keep bringing dysfunctional people into your life – to repeat the performance again and again….and only once you realize that the only constant in the play of dysfunctional people in and out of your life is YOU, will you start to decide it is time to begin an inner journey of your own.

By building a relationship with yourself first, your chance at building a great relationship with others will be greatly enhanced.

If I can be of further help to you on your journey, give me a call and we can set up a time to talk further.

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post will focus on Key #2: Developing a Relationship with Yourself.

Everyday there is someone you wake up with, go to sleep with, eat with, watch TV with, pray with, talk to, listen to and live with 24/7. You were born together, you will die together and when your relationship is a good one, your life is oh so much more pleasant and easy to handle. But when you hate that someone, you live in constant turmoil.

That someone, if you haven’t already guessed, is yourself.

When the book How to Be Your Own Best Friend first came out in the 70′s, many people laughed. 30 years later, the importance of having a healthy relationship with yourself is well known. Yet, so many of us still battle those inner bad feelings toward ourselves, also known as “Low Self-Esteem”.

Key #2 is dedicated to this important relationship because of the important place this relationship plays in life. If you can’t stand yourself, chances are you don’t much like other people. By the same token, if you find yourself disliking other people, chances are, you don’t much like yourself. Likewise, if you are critical of others, you are probably really hard on yourself and visa-versa.

It’s impossible to escape the consequences of self-disdain and challenging to heal from such negative feelings toward oneself. But, hardly impossible.

To see where you are in this crucial relationship, ask yourself the following questions:

1. When you have nothing to do on a rainy Saturday, and no one you know is available to hang out with you, how do you feel about spending the day alone just relaxing in your own company, no TV, no distractions, just you, yourself, and you?

2. When you make a mistake at work or in front of others, do you feel humiliated and hold on to those feelings, continuing to relive them in your mind, or do you feel you have just had a learning experience and maybe even find yourself using it as an opportunity to enjoy a good laugh at your own imperfections?

3. When someone else isn’t perfect, do you jump on them for their mistakes? Do you, in other words, find the need to “get well on others” (feel better about yourself by making others feel bad about themselves)?

If you have a difficult time spending time by yourself without distractions, it may be you could use some work on that relationship with yourself. If you feel overwhelmingly embarrassed when you make mistakes in front of others, it may mean you could benefit from some work on your relationship with yourself. If you can’t stand imperfection in others and feel compelled to point out their mistakes and maybe even make fun of their gaffs, it may be that you are very critical of yourself, always requiring a level of perfection that you can never quite live up to.

This month, we will look at the relationship with self and talk about some ways to build that relationship, heal the inner rifts that may be holding you back from being your best self, and additional tips on how to improve the quality of that most basic of relationships: the relationship you have with yourself.

Until then,

Be Loving to YOURSELF!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the Twelve Keys to Sanity for Family Members of Addicts

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, over the next year, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post will focus on discovering the traits you need your HP to have for the relationship to work for you. Future posts this month will continue to give you tips on how to build that relationship.

Me: Good morning God.

God: Good morning my dear.

Me: I just want to thank you for this day, my family, the rains that are beginning to slowly return to the parched south, my life and all of the opportunities you’ve been giving me lately to help people.

God: You are welcome my dear. You have been working hard to help others and there are so many more who are suffering. Continue to help me help them.

Me: I will and I am. What would you like from me today?

God: I have given you opportunities today to coach, to partner, to write. Take these and move forward. There is no time to waste. I am counting on your diligence to the purpose I have given you.

Me: Thank you God. I will do my best and I will turn to You as I face each challenge along the way.

God: And I will be with you, wherever you are, to inspire your words and your actions, to guide you along the path of helping families, this path that you have willingly accepted and chosen.

Me: Thank you. And what would you say to my readers?

God: That I am always here. For each and everyone of you. As close as your breath. When you cry I listen and I cry with you. And I will dry your tears and help you make it through each day. And when you come to me for inspiration and solace, I will be there for you. Open your heart to me and I will be there for you and with you as you walk your path in life. And you don’t need someone else’s dialogue with me to tell you that. I want to hear from you myself. Sit with me and let’s talk. I will listen. I will answer. You don’t need others to tell you what my role can be in your life. Let’s walk the path together.

Me: I feel kind of funny putting this in a blog for others to read God. Like people will think I’m making it up.

God: On the deepest level, the level that is in my image, you are. And that deepest level of being a part of me is available to all, not only you. Share my words with your readers and invite them to speak with me. I am here and I am waiting. All is well.

Me: Thank you. I will.

Dear Readers,

I sat down this morning to write instructions for you of how to dialogue with your HP and had the idea that I would write a script so that you could see how it’s done. I had no intention of actually communicating with my HP, who I call God, thinking it would be too personal to do so. But when I began writing, what always happens happened. I called upon my HP and got answers from deep within that came out on paper. Perhaps nothing profound to anyone else, but words to carry me through my day.

And that is why I wanted to share this process of dialoguing with you.

In my next entry, I’ll write some instructions on how to do this process of communicating with your Higher Power, and some background on how I got involved in this writing relationship with mine.

Until then,

Connect with your Higher Power my friends

and, of course,

Have a Loving Day!

Best,

Coach Bev
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the Four Foundations of Family Recovery

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

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