12 Step Family

Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post is the third in a month-long series on Key Four, which is the first of the Four Cornerstones. This Key is known as the Four C’s: “You Didn’t Cause It, You Can’t Control It, You Can’t Cure It. BUT, You DON’T Have to Contribute To It.”

The ability to Be A Loving Mirror (BALM) takes motivation and understanding. Last month we learned about the three relationships (that with God, self, and others) and how to develop them to help you regain your peace and sanity. Next, There are four cornerstones to help you build the understanding you need to move forward through the four foundations to the goal of Being A Loving Mirror. The first cornerstone is the Four C’s. Learn the 4 C’s well. They will play a KEY role in allowing you to experience the sanity of family recovery. This post, YOU CAN’T CURE THEIR ADDICTION is part three of a serialization of my chapter on the 4 C’s in my upcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity.

You Can’t Cure Your Loved One’s Addiction

After awhile, a person trying to fight off a fire with a glass of water gives up, just as does a person trying to swim upstream. In the case of someone who loves an addict, trying often goes on long after hopelessness sets in. After all, there MUST be a cure for this. You knew this person before they got crazy, addicted, mean, etc. And you LOVE them. If anyone can solve this crisis, it is you.

And so, you start on a quest to solve the problem: to cure them of their addiction. Though well meant, these efforts are often misdirected. To help you understand how and why, it is important to understand the construct that guides the ideas in this book: the disease concept.

As the American Medical Association, SAMHSA (the Substance Abuse/Mental Health Services Administration) the National Institute of Drug Abuse (NIDA) and most other health and human services agencies and experts see it, addiction is a disease that, at this time in history, can be arrested but not cured. That being the case, you may want to accept that if the greatest medical minds cannot yet cure this disease, maybe you can’t either.

Here is a recent quote for you to ponder as well:
“After four years of work involving 80 experts, the American Society of Addiction Medicine is redefining addiction—to alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, and more—as a brain disorder, updating its former classification as a behavioral problem, reports Live Science. Addiction is also now considered a primary and chronic disorder, meaning it is not the result of stress, abuse, or other causes, and it needs to be treated over a patient’s lifetime, just as one would deal with a chronic disease like diabetes.

ASAM officials were swayed in part due to advancements in neuroscience over the last 20 years, which have shed light on the fact that the brain circuitry that regulates impulse control and judgment is altered in addicts’ brains. “We have to stop moralizing, blaming, controlling or smirking at the person with the disease of addiction,” said an addiction researcher. “The disease is about brains, not drugs.” ” www.newser.com

This new official categorization of addiction as being about the brain and not a moral issue, is crucial to our understanding of this C – which Alanon wrote so many years ago! YOU cannot cure it!

This disease is an inside job for the addict to work on. For some, that will mean finding a Higher Power of their understanding to heal and guide them. For others, recovery meetings will be the answer. For others still, in-patient or outpatient treatment.

For others, it may mean going through a process of trying to control their consumption or finding that they cannot handle even a drop of alcohol or drugs and reaching a bottom that makes it more painful to pick up their drug of choice than to not do so.

You can force circumstances sometimes, but you cannot force results. It’s a process of discovery they have to go through themselves. When family members try to cure their addicted loved ones, the family members often find themselves getting sick and making things worse for the addict.

What would it take for you to admit that you cannot cure this disease? That it is beyond your skills and capabilities to heal this person who you love so much? In the 12 step program Nar-Anon, the difficulty of this admission is reflected in the first step: “We admitted we were powerless over the addict, that our lives had become unmanageable.” After trying and trying, many family members report that eventually they found that curing their addict was a hopeless endeavor for them to pursue and that in fact, tearing themselves apart trying to stop the drinking or drugging often ended up:

• Destroying any semblance of a relationship they had left with the addict
• Giving the addict an excuse to blame them for his/her troubles
• Turned the family member into an obsessive person with no interest in anything other than fixing something that could not be fixed. As a result, the family member became boring, depressed, isolated, and alone.

In our next post we will continue this serialization of the 4 C’s chapter with the 4th C: But You Don’t Have to Contribute to It. Stay tuned!

Feeling impatient and want to read a first edition of the whole chapter on the 4 C’s? Click here and you will receive this article and other 12 Keys information, recordings, and handouts.

–
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”

Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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The trauma of having a child, friend or relative using substances without regard to their health or safety, or that of anyone else, is one of life’s most difficult challenges. What tools do you find most effective in helping you regain your sanity when you see someone you love doing things that you know could harm themselves or others and there is nothing you can do to stop them?

When it comes to relating to those we love, especially but not exclusively those who use drugs, alcohol, or other addictive substances or behaviors, it is important to have a toolbox of spiritual, mental, and physical techniques available to you so that you do not fall apart because of their issues.

Here are a few that I and my clients have found helpful as we walk our path. See if any of them work for you:

1. Consciously breathe. The breath is one of the greatest tools we have to bring our minds back to calm when fearful thoughts threaten to take over. Notice I said fearful THOUGHTS, not fearful BEHAVIORS OF OTHERS. It is not others’ behaviors that destroy our peace of mind, but how we think about those behaviors. Breathing slowly, calmly and deeply, can help us stay fully present to whatever situation is facing us and allow us to focus on our next best step, rather than on the racing thoughts of fear and of possible tragic outcomes that tend to rush through our minds when faced with our loved one’s behaviors.

2. Become aware of yourself exactly in relation to exactly where you are RIGHT NOW. You see your loved one in an intoxicated state. Or they are telling you a story or problem with potentially dire consequences. You have started to use tool one, Consciously Breathe, but still you feel your thoughts racing. Now, as you continue to breathe, take a look around. Become aware of the wallpaper, the ceiling fan, the diningroom chair fabric. Allow your eyes to embrace your environment and see the detail and beauty in a new way. You get the picture. Take your focus off of your fear and put it right where you are. Allow yourself to see the world around you in THIS moment in order to further relax calm yourself.

3. Become aware of yourself in your environment If you are outside, feel the sun on your skin and the grass under your toes. If you are in a chair, feel your body touching the chair and your feet touching the floor. If your arms are crossed. feel your fingers touching your arms. Keep breathing of course and just focus on yourself, in your environment, breathing.

These three tools, of breathing, focusing on the present moment environment, and focusing on yourself IN the environment, all have tremendous power to bring you back to the present momen,t regardless of the news you are hearing about what just happened to your loved one or the thoughts your mind is playing about what could happen. This isn’t about going off into la-la land. It is about becoming able to hear what people are telling us without going into full battle mode, which after awhile, can create an inner trauma loop in our minds that keeps us from relating effectively to our loved ones.

Being related to someone who is often doing dangerous things, can create trauma in us. However, if we begin to ground ourselves in our own body, in our own breath, in our own environment, in the moment, we will begin to be able to physically experience the ability to detach with love. We will have a sense of inner calm that will allow us to respond in a manner appropriate to the situation, without all of the intense mental thought clutter we used to have that is grounded less in reality than in fear and panic.

To relate to others in the moment, with lovingkindness and effectiveness, to Be that Loving Mirror (TM), it is crucial to develop our own ability to feel a sense of calm underlying all that we think, do, and say. Not easy, but simple. With daily practice, you will own these tools and BE there for others in ways you had previously not thought possible. MORE importantly, you will be there for yourself, as the inner calm will minimize the wear and tear on your body and mind that stress often brings.

Practice these three things even when not hearing bad news. Practice BEING in the moment on a regular basis and the skill will be there for you when you need it.

Let me know how it is going for you!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post will is the first in a month-long series that will post on Developing Relationships with Others.

Recently I received this post from a reader:

Dear Bev, after being married to an alchoholic for 20 years, I got divorced, I met a wonderful man I was dating for almost 5 years. We only saw each other on the weekends. As we became closer it became clear he is also an alchoholic and partier & to top it off his 2 adult children are drug users. I am devistated. I feel duped and stupid. How did I miss the signs this time? – Feeling betrayed…

Dear Betrayed,

First of all, thank you so much for your note and question. Your willingness to put out there the exact dilemma that so many ex-spouses of alcoholics/addicts face will help many others better understand the seeming insanity of what has happened to you.

Many people who marry an active addict the first time around often find an equally dysfunctional person the second time around (and in some cases the 3rd, 4th, and 5th time as well…).

So, what is that about and what does this have to do with the 3rd Key to Sanity: Developing Loving Relationships with Others?

Everyday of our lives, we are bombarded with images of what the ideal mate looks like, talks like, acts like. We see, on television and in the movies, people with perfect bodies, perfect jobs, perfect smiles, and lots and lots of money and we see what they have as what we really want, but yet, the only place we see life playing out like that is on fictionalized shows and in movies. We may go to church, temple, mosque or synagogue and get a different perspective on what good and perfect mean and begin to develop ideals that compete with those of the media and culture around us.

Then, deep inside of us are the tapes we’ve been playing since our childhood of what we are worth, who we deserve, what we can get in life and what kind of life we will live. If our parents were dysfunctional in anyway and/or if they abused us emotionally or physically, we carry those tapes of being less than. If we were sexually abused by anyone, in our family or outside of our family, we carry those tapes of shame and unworthiness.

When we look for a mate initially, we carry all of these competing views of ourselves and others along for the search. Unless we have developed a very strong relationship with a Higher Power along with a very healthy, sense of self and a relationship with ourselves that consciously and subconsciously knows what is best for us and will accept nothing less than that, chances are, our choices may have been less than ideal. Then, once we have a marriage, we begin to think of ourselves in certain ways and to see our lives in certain ways based on what we experience in relation to our mate. And if that mate is an active alcoholic/addict, we may feel extremely isolated, confused, lonely, and afraid. How did this person who we loved so much turn into such a_________________ (you fill in the blank- monster, meanie,etc.)

So, there we are in a marriage with another person who at first appeared to be very much in sync with who/what we wanted in life, but now, as we look deeper, has lots of issues that we have no idea how to cope with. Being stuck like that, many of us put the dysfunctional coping mechanisms we learned at home into place. We cry, sulk, scream and yell to get them to behave better toward us. When these don’t work, we ignore, get bitter, put our interests and energy elsewhere, and, if we don’t have the means or guts to GET OUT, or if our religious beliefs encourage us to stick it out NO MATTER WHAT, we ENDURE.

Perhaps you can relate to that scenario. Your story may be quite different. If possible, find a piece of it that works for you and stay with me here.

So, after awhile, six months, six years, 12 years, 20 years, 35 years later, you change your mind. You are done enduring and decide to get the heck out of this unendurable marriage and start over. So you do. Maybe your spouse did the unspeakable: cheated on you, and that was your breaking point. Or maybe after the 16th time they cheated on you, you realized this was not going to get better and you left. Or maybe they left you for the other woman/man. Anyway, you get the picture. The marriage is OVER, done, finished.

You are out on your own, finally out from under the thumb of this person who “made you so miserable.”

Now what?

For many who find themselves in this position, it’s lonely! Even though the marriage was lonely, someone was at least THERE. There was a warm body on the other side of the bed or in the next room and not everything about the marriage was bad, etc., etc., …Of course, not everyone is that upset. The freedom can be intoxicating! the chance to meet others and have a good time is grand.

But now what?

All of the above is written to set the scenario for meeting partner #2. After whatever amount of time you have taken to ‘get over’ the last one, you begin to look for your next mate. Perhaps you hardly have to look at all and they find you…or perhaps you spend years looking. Either way, the hunt is on.

Finally, you meet. Certain that this time will be different, you find someone who is not an alcoholic, not an addict, not a…the list goes on. Or so you think. So you get together to live happily ever after. Sometimes the honeymoon lasts weeks, sometimes years. But eventually, it comes out: They may not be an alcoholic, but they may instead take pills or have a sex addiction or a gambling addiction. And there you are again in your own new version of the same Hell you endured the last time around…or maybe something even worse…

What went wrong?

The reason Key 3: Developing Relationships with Other People comes 3rd and not 1st, is that without good strong inner work on ourselves, our relationships with others will often come up short. What I’m saying here is that the relationships we have with others are much more about us than about them! and the kinds of people we choose to have in our lives are also much more about us than about them!

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that life with an alcoholic or addict is easy. I’m not saying that if you aren’t yet married and you find that your partner is deeply troubled (sex addict, drug addict, gambler, alcoholic, etc.) you shouldn’t run as fast and as far as you can.

What I am saying is that when you look at who you are involved with, who your friends are or aren’t (if you don’t have any), or who you choose to end up with as a partner, the most important person in the relationship vis-a-vis these choices can be found right in your own mirror.

So, what does this all mean?

As shared at the beginning of this post, all kinds of outside input from society, school, friends, and parents, contribute to how we see ourselves and what we think we are worthy of in life. When we really want the perfect mate, but on some level feel we aren’t worthy of him or her, the feelings will often win out. Getting our insides congruent with our outsides, our feelings congruent with our desires, is one piece of the puzzle of finding the right person. Jerry and Esther Hicks write about this in all of their books about the Law of Attraction.

Another key to becoming congruent on the level of feeling, is to do the deeper work of healing the sorrow of a less than perfect childhood and unhappy1st marriage. This can be approached through therapy, 12 step work, parts work, voice dialogue, and/or other emotional healing modalities.

Life choices happen on so many levels, many of which are below the surface of our conscious awareness. Once we are in a difficult situation, it can be much more difficult and complicated to get out of it than it was to get into it in the first place.

For those who are not yet involved in a first or second dysfunctional relationship, yet have a history of family dysfunction behind them, the best advice is to do the inner work first. I remember being given that advice and feeling too anxious to get my life moving toward the future, marriage, kids, etc… Maybe you remember that feeling too?

But wherever you are planted, it is never too late to begin the inner work of healing. The 12 Keys of Sanity which culminate in Key 12 “Being a Loving Mirror” provide a series of recovery principles designed to help you see yourself as the person you need to change in your life in order to make your life better! This may be a harsh pill to swallow, but it is true.

For some, these principles alone provide a good foundation. For others, the support of others is crucial…This can come in the form of a recovery coach to help you move in the direction of your dreams while looking honestly at what is going on in your present life that you may want/need to look at in order to get there!
For others, who have experienced severe trauma or distress, the help of a coach can be supplemented by that of a therapist.

Many find help in a group setting. There are Alanon and Naranon meetings all over the country and all over the world. Once you start going, get a sponsor and begin the 12 steps of recovery, where tremendous healing can be found. I work the steps daily and have found tremendous strength and healing in them. But for me and many others, more help was needed.

To add to your recovery by combining the help of a group with that of a coach, feel free to join a Loving Mirror Coaching Group. For 12 weeks, you will gain the insights and professional guidance of a Family Recovery Coach, along with the support of a group of others who have decided to take the lead in their lives in learning how to improve their relationship with themselves and the others in their lives. It’s an inexpensive way to have both a coach and a support group, all in one and the meetings are as close as your phone! A new group starts tomorrow, Wednesday, 8-3-11 at 8 PM ET. To learn more, click here.

So, dear reader, there you are with your boyfriend of five years who turns out to be a drinker, a partier and the parent of 2 adult drug addicts. Only you can decide if you have hit the jackpot in a negative or positive way. Only you can decide if your best bet is to cut your losses and GET OUT or to stick around and play the song again.

If you decide to stay, if you do the INNER work, this time CAN be different. That may mean he will decide to get well due to your example OR it may mean your interests will become so blatantly dissimilar, that one or both of you may leave the relationship.

If you decide to leave, AND are willing to let go of relationships for awhile while you do the INNER work, next time CAN be different!

If you simply keep blaming this whole repeat performance on the OTHERS, chances are, you WILL keep bringing dysfunctional people into your life – to repeat the performance again and again….and only once you realize that the only constant in the play of dysfunctional people in and out of your life is YOU, will you start to decide it is time to begin an inner journey of your own.

By building a relationship with yourself first, your chance at building a great relationship with others will be greatly enhanced.

If I can be of further help to you on your journey, give me a call and we can set up a time to talk further.

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post will continue our focus on Key #2: Developing a Relationship with Yourself.

For me, one of the most interesting things about having a mindfulness meditation practice is what happens to my thoughts. They rise to the surface without freaking me out. It looks like this: I face a difficult situation and, instead of being overwhelmed by thoughts that lead to a knee jerk reaction, I internally ‘see’ the thoughts and become aware of the different perceptions going through my mind. This provides me with the time gap necessary to gain ground in Becoming a Loving Mirror.

And, the longer I meditate, the greater my ability to simply watch those thoughts, and then, choose the ones I am going to let go and the ones (if any) that I am going to act on. This ability to detach from one’s thoughts is a powerful side effect of mindfulness meditation that I, as a family member and a recovery coach, have found extremely helpful. That’s why, at the beginning of every Loving Mirror Coaching Group session, we spend five minutes cultivating the quality of mind that is able to detach by quieting our minds together.

Parts work, introduced in my last post, is a process of recognizing and giving voice to the many voices (aka thoughts) within in order to get to know them, share their concerns about how I am living my life, and, eventually, give them an option to evolve their perspective and role in my life.

These two practices, that of mindfulness and that of parts work, complement each other in that, when the thoughts are closer to the surface, they offer me clues to the inner perspectives of my parts that I may benefit from exploring.

I enjoy following up on these clues through my parts work, which I do through the type of written dialoguing that I described in my Key 1 blog post on Dialoguing with a Higher Power. (Of course dialoguing with ego parts has a different purpose than different than dialoguing with a Higher Power, but let’s talk more about that on another day.)

During yesterday’s monthly free Loving Mirror Teleseminar, my guest, Mindfulness Meditation Teacher Valerie York Zimmerman, guided participants through a couple of brief mindfulness exercises designed to quickly give practitioners relief from the incessant barrage of obsessive thoughts that can, at times, overtake the mind. Of course, being related to a person struggling with drugs and alcohol can increase one’s propensity to obsess and worry. Participants found the practice relaxing, and an interesting discussion ensued about how practicing this or any relaxation technique can impact not only one’s life, but that of one’s loved ones.

To learn this peaceful method of dealing with crisis in the moment, click here and I will send you today’s free teleseminar on Key 2 and Mindfulness.

All the best,
Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”

Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

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Martin Luther King, Junior said, “Faith is taking the first step even when you cannot see the whole staircase.”

Walking in faith is something humans do. We have faith that the sun will rise, that the flowers will bloom in the spring, that the moon will be full once a month, that the light will come on when we turn on the switch. In fact, we have certainty about these things. Isn’t that what faith is? Certainty that things we don’t see now will come to pass?

Yet, how difficult it can sometimes be to do! Either our COBRA ends or the insurance at our work is unaffordable or doesn’t cover the challenges we have. We watch the people we love suffer, we suffer ourselves. At these times and others like them, our faith is tested, and we are called upon to accept life on life’s terms.

How does one walk in faith, put trust in God, when the world as we know it begins to appear unfair, unkind, unpredictable?

Good question. How?

One of the great lessons of the recovery path is to walk in faith. From the moment we realize we are dealing with our own or someone else’s addictive disease, we take that first step, admit our powerlessness and see how out of control our lives have become.

Walking on, we move into belief; make a decision to surrender; work to root out, admit, and surrender our shortcomings; and then make amends. The exercise of the first nine steps is actually the beginning of a faith-building spiritual practice. Then we move on to the day to day maintenance of our faith-walk in recovery, where living in the solution means turning to a Higher Power for guidance, growing in wisdom daily, putting one foot in front of the other, choosing to do the next right thing. We walk in faith daily through continued self-inventory, prayer and meditation, and the sharing and practice of the recovery principles throughout our lives.

Walking in faith means following our intuition more and more and being willing to turn away from fear and doubt and anxiety as we turn more and more to following God’s guidance. It means knowing that, even when things seem the darkest, there will again be sunlight.

Walking in faith means asking for help from our HP on things large and small, and surrendering to life on life’s terms. It means getting told ‘no’ and having faith anyway. It means being what my friend and colleague Guthrie Sayen likes to call ‘a spiritual adult,’ someone who faces and lives life as on life’s terms and continues to learn and grow as they move forward.

Walking in faith means following your dreams even as others laugh at them. It means continuing to move ahead, regardless of the struggles that you face.

We in the 12 step programs are part of the larger world, are affected by the societal upheaval and economic struggles around us, are neither immune to the aging process, nor the ups and downs of life on Earth in its many manifestations. And yet, we have a gift. The gift of tools to allow us to walk in faith through it all. To know that there is a loving God in our lives “doing for us what we could never do for ourselves.”

What does it mean to you to walk in faith?

Send me your comments at bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net and I will publish them in an upcoming blog.

Until then,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC
Family Recovery Coach
Author of the forthcoming book The Four Foundations of Family Recovery: Simple Ideas to Transform Chaos to Sanity
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

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One of the challenges many families plagued by addiction face is that at least one if not more of their children struggle in school. Although many other families face this as well, in a family where there one of the parents is addicted, this can be especially difficult. In this situation, things can go a few different ways.

In each case of family addiction, school challenges will be dealt with in their own way. Here are a few possibilities:
1. The family energy is totally consumed with one of the parents, so there may be little energy left to even notice, let alone attend, to the child’s issues. In this case, it may be swept under the rug, minimized, or even ignored. This is not malicious on the parents’ part of course, though it could be seen as neglect, and could really be felt this way by the child.

2. The child’s problems at school could be seen as a welcome diversion for one or both parents, who dive into solving the problem, researching and really helping their child move through their academic issues while ignoring how the addiction could be impacting the child at school

3. The family, still using this as a diversion, could go full force at the school, sometimes blaming the institution and defending and enabling their child rather than finding out what is going on and dealing with it head on

4. Some families just see their child as wrong and may simply blame and berate their child for their lack of success, without looking any deeper to help their child find solutions for their lack of school success.

Of course, it is important for the sober parent to work hard to break through the blanket of denial that often overwhelms families who are dealing with active addiction so that the child can get the help they need, yet it is clear how difficult this can be.

What might happen if families affected by addiction are willing to look at how what is going on at home may be impacting what is happening to their child at school? This of course, is one of the most difficult things to do, and yet, when done courageously, the results can help not only the struggling child but the entire family! Children of addicts and alcoholics face a barrage of challenges in their lives. Being raised in a family where one or more parents has the disease of addiction can mean that their needs are put on the back burner more often than not or that their needs are showcased as a diversion for underlying problems not being faced in the family head-on. When something is brought to the surface about a child’s struggles, the family member who is most coherent, has the opportunity to face both with the child’s needs and the greater family issues as a result.

In actuality, a child’s school struggles offer a family many gifts. Among those gifts are the opportunity to help a child find their best learning style and learning setting, the opportunity to see a child as more than their performance in school, and the opportunity to help the family take a mirror to what in the family is going on that is affecting the child’s learning.

When the addict and the person struggling in school are one and the same person, the situation is further complicated. Knowing when the help you are giving your struggling teen is true help and when it is enabling is a challenge for any parent. When addiction is present, or suspicion of addiction, denial can get in the way and really muddy up the waters.

This is one of those times when foundation #4: Getting Support, can really help! As a former teacher and school principal, I often help my family recovery clients deal with the issues facing their children in school, along with their own issues of family recovery. Focusing on the challenge along with the gifts that the challenge brings, provides a perspective that can be quite helpful to the process. If it would help you to have a coach who can be there for you in both areas, the addiction in your family and your child’s school struggles, give me a call and let’s talk. I’ll be happy to offer you a complimentary consult to see if my services would be best for you and your family.

In the meantime, join me on Monday, August 30 at 3 PM ET for a preview call in which I will introduce and describe my upcoming Four Foundations of Family RecoveryTeleseminar which will take place from 3-4 PM ET Sept 13-Oct 18. Stay tuned for more information or drop me an email for the details at bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net .

Til Then I remain,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC
Family Recovery Coach
786 859 4050
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com
www.12stepfamily.com
www.fourfoundations.blogspot.com
www.intherooms.com

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One of the most difficult things for many parents to do is to stand by and watch one of their children struggle without offering help. And yet, often this is what parents are called to do. Sometimes, allowing another person to work through their own challenges is absolutely the most loving thing a parent can do for their child, particularly but not only when, that child is an adult.

So, knowing this, why is it so difficult?
Lots of reasons come to your mind. For instance, you may say you cannot do so because:
1. “I’m a caring person.”
2. “If I can help, why shouldn’t I?”
3. “Helping is the loving thing to do.”
4. “It’s wrong not to help.”

I could keep going but you get the picture. So, let’s look at each of these:
1. I am a caring person!Saying that you are a caring person so you must help is like saying that you can see so you must act on everything you see. It is just not true. With care, as with vision, comes discrimination. There are some things you must act on and others you must be aware of and feel, but allow to take their own course. The reason for this is that sometimes the caring thing to do is to allow another person to grow into their own ability to solve their own problems.

2. If I can help, why shouldn’t I?Just because you can help doesn’t mean you should help. If you do so indiscriminately, you may keep your child (regardless of their age) from learning the lessons they must learn to be able to handle life when you are no longer around. It is your job to help your child do the things he/she cannot do, to teach them how to do them and then to let go and allow them to practice doing those things. They may fail. They will learn from those failures and do better next time – but not if you fix things each time!

3.Helping is the loving thing to do! It is not loving to fix things and overhelp your child! It’s actually very selfish. It is difficult to stand back and allow them to live their own life and learn their own lessons, especially when those lessons involve drugs and alcohol or other behaviors the mishandling of which can seriously change the course of their lives. But at a certain point, it is their job to figure their life out. You need to figure your own life out and mind your own business. That is the more loving thing to do at times. And learning when to fix and when to let go is one of the major tasks of a person in family recovery.

4. It’s wrong not to help! It’s not wrong not to help. Every time you give money, or pay a bill, or take care of necessities for a grown addict who could be paying their own bills and taking care of their own responsibilities, you are making it easier for your loved one to get drugs and alcohol. In such cases, you may be contributing to their early demise…
So, your job is actually to watch and to willingly, if nervously, stand back. To detach lovingly from another person’s difficulties and allow them to make the mistakes that will allow them to learn their life lessons. And if it begins feeling like your heart is being ripped out to do so, tend to your own heart. Realize that these feelings are more about you and your ability to handle life on life’s terms than they are about anything else.

Being a relative of an addicted person is challenging. It is also a magnificent opportunity for growth. Do you have some personal triumphs in the area of letting your loved one grow up without your over-interference? Share them in the comments box below.

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Being related to an addict who is actively using can be like waiting for the pot to boil. You keep hoping and praying that this person you love will wake up and get their life together. You watch, you wait, you watch some more. And the more you watch and the more you wait, the more it doesn’t happen. And you talk to the person and you try reasoning with him and you yell at her and you plead with him and you nag her. But none of it works… Still, the pot doesn’t boil.

So, what other option do you have?

Well, you can keep trying. After all, you love this person, right? So, you can’t give up. They will get it. You just have to keep reminding them that you are there, expecting them to get with the program.

So, how is that working for you?

My guess is the clock is ticking away and they are still looking promising, but nothing is really happening.

There is another way:

Give it up. Let go of this other person’s life and life yours. Give them to God. NOW. You heard me. Ask for help.

Yes, I hear you. You’ve been doing that all along, praying more than you ever have.

But I’m not just talking about asking, I’m talking about giving them over to God. Putting your loved one in God’s hands and backing off.

Go live YOUR life and let your loved one figure out theirs.

Sounds harsh I know. After all, they’re sick. How can they?

But, how can you? And how long will you keep pretending to have control over something you absolutely cannot control?

This does not mean stop caring. It doesn’t mean deserting them. It simply means you stop deserting YOURSELF.

There are four simple ways to do this:
1. Take care of yourself – attend to your own needs physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.
2. Be loving to your addict and yourself – don’t do things for them that they can do for themselves and do nurture yourself A LOT. Tell them what behaviors you are seeing and what your concerns are WITHOUT JUDGMENT and then go on with your life and let them stew on it.
3. Set boundaries about how they may treat you. Set boundaries about how they may treat your stuff. Do this as part of your self care, not to control or change them, but to preserve your own dignity and comfort.
4. Get some support – Go to a meeting of recovering people -Alanon, Nar-Anon, Take a family recovery class, join a coaching or therapy group, get a coach or therapist to help you do all of the above without going crazy. Pray for help and then let go of the addict’s behavior and keep the focus on you!

These four foundations of recovery will carry you quite a distance, if you practice them daily. They are all about you, your life, your sanity, your dignity. They are not at all about controlling or changing your addict. If you choose to practice them, they will become a way of life for you and YOU WILL get well.

Funny thing is, when you start to change, it affects your addict and all of the other people in your life. When sanity enters, when you stop watching the pot and go about your business, it has the best chance of all to boil….

So, let go of your addict and live YOUR life fully.

What do you have better to do?

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher
Family Recovery Coach
Author of the forthcoming book The Four Foundations of Family Recovery: Simple Ideas to Transform Chaos to Sanity
Teacher of the forthcoming teleseminar by the same name Sept. 13 to Oct. 18
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.familyrecoverycoach.org

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Give me a call to sign up for a copy of the book at 786 859 4050

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When times get tough, this expression, “trudging the road of happy destiny” from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous keeps me going. It reminds me that we are not to expect nor are we expected to arrive at our destination instantaneously, nor is it always going to be pleasant, easy, or fun. Nor will we always be happy along the way, even though the destiny we have signed on for is a happy one. Sometimes it is a trudge. And we are not called to only do it when it’s easy or fun, but also when it is difficult, even exhausting…even when it feels like we are trudging.

And that is the paradox of recovery: We are on an endless journey that has brought us a sense of underlying happiness, but we are not always consciously connected to it. Yet, we know it is there for us, and that, in fact, that underlying sense of peace and wholeness is all around us anytime we choose to get into the moment and experience it. But we don’t always remember to do that…and so, we trudge.

Putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, sometimes becomes one hour or one moment at a time. There are times when I have to remind myself of the principles of recovery quite often to stay on track. And there are times when I get off track as well.

The good news is that the more days of being on track that I accumulate, the more I find myself being jolted when I get off track and the more I find my savings bank of “things to do instead of acting out” available to me so I can get back on track much more quickly than I used to.

Yes, sometimes being in recovery means trudging. And yet, I find even the days of trudging through recovery to be much better than the days of gliding through the disease.

How about you? Are you trudging these days? What ideas can you come up with to make the trudge into more of a glide? What have you learned to help yourself get back on track? What do you know about yourself, your disease and your recovery to help yourself rediscover serenity and sanity for another moment, hour, day?

Take a breath with me now, deep and slow, and let’s trudge together. It’s worth it, this journey. And so much better when there is someone to take it with. I hope this blog contributes to your sanity, but of course, when things get tough, it may not be enough.

Give me a call to set up a complimentary consult for a coaching session today or to reserve a space in my upcoming teleseminar The Four Foundations of Family Recovery: Simple Ideas to Transform Chaos to Sanity at 786 859 4050 . Or drop me an email at recoverycoachbev@theempowermentcoach.net for more information.

You and your recovery journey are worth it!

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC
Family Recovery Coach
Author of the forthcoming book The Four Foundations of Family Recovery: Simple Ideas to Transform Chaos to Sanity
Teacher of the forthcoming teleseminar by the same name (September 13 to October 18)
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
786 859 4050

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As recently as this morning, I had a meal. 2 eggs, a cup of fruit, 4 oz of oatmeal. I watched myself eat this meal and found myself go in and out of present moment awareness two or three times, despite the fact that I was not reading, talking, or watching TV.

In fact, the meal began ideally. I was sitting, savoring each bite, enjoying the colors of the food on the plate and the taste of the cinammon I’d sprinkled on the oatmeal and fruit. But, about have way through, I found myself engaging in an old habit: shoveling the food in to finish the meal as quickly as possible so I could go on to the next thing.

And suddenly, it hit me. I had been basically unconscious for about a third of the meal, and, with one third to go, I might be full – though I wasn’t certain this was true. So I stopped eating, took a breath, and relaxed. After a few moments, I realized I was still hungry and I completed the meal, once again enjoying each bite and simply being in the moment with my food.

To some of you this scenario may sound foreign or even a little ridiculous…

But, my guess is that some of you are like me, which means that from time to time (too often to keep count of) you inhale your food, and find yourself done eating before you know it.

Leaning how to let go of this unconscious form of eating and living, and helping others to do so as well has been the life work of Geneen Roth, author of many books, among them Women, Food, and God, which I happen to be reading these days.

Roth’s premise, as I understand it, is that the way we eat reflects the way we live and has much more to teach us than just how many calories it takes to add or reduce a pound. I remember skimming one of her other books years ago and being afraid of it. The freedom she espoused couldn’t work for me, I was sure. I saw it as ‘eat whatever you want whenever with no boundaries’ and that sounded to me like a sure recipe for a relapse.

But this time around, I found the part where the author explains that eating unlimited quantities is neither her path nor her recommendation. Rather, her approach is one of:
1. eating consciously
2. focused attention on what you are eating, every time you put anything into your mouth
3. focused attention on your body’s reaction to it
4. only eating when truly hungry and stopping when full.

Willingness to become that conscious seems to go well with a spiritual program of recovery that involves prayer, meditation, and deep reflection into one’s state of mind and heart.

Today I am reading this book to take my recovery deeper, to discover a new layer of connection between the way I eat and the way I live my life.

I notice, for instance, that when I shovel the food in, I’m hungrier for more emotionally, but mislabel it as being hungry physically. On the other hand, when I’m truly present during a meal, TV off, no book propped in front of my plate, and it is simply my meal and me, (or my husband and I enjoying a pleasant conversation) at the table, calm and relaxed, I feel more satisfied when I finish eating, and that satisfaction seems to last longer.

I have not replaced my program with Roth’s approach, but am adding her practices to my repertoire of the tools I use to build greater sanity in my life, one day at a time. Sometimes I trudge of course, and sometimes I glide.

The metaphor is apt, when I’m living my life unconsciously, just to get through the hour, the day, the week, to get to the next project, to get home, to get to the weekend, I feel less fulfilled. When I live each moment fully, the days fly and yet the time spent in each moment is full and satisfying, and is not moving overly fast.

Learning how to eat in the moment, fully present to my food and how my body is taking it in, appears to be another piece of the sanity puzzle in my recovery.

Try it today: Eat slowly, sitting down, with no outside distractions. One bite at a time, with full awareness.W hen your mind wanders, bring it back to the plate in front of you, not with judgment, simply with presence. Observe how it changes your experience of your meal and of your day.

Please send me a note to share your experiences with this and let me know if you would like me to share it with everyone or just keep it between us.

By the way, this form of eating is a beautiful practice to add to your self care, which is one of the Four Foundations of Family Recovery!

I’ll be offering a 6 week teleseminar on the Four Foundations starting Monday, September 13th through October 18th. It’ll be from 3-4 PM on the phone and together, we will explore the four foundations and look for ways to bring them alive in our lives. The course itself, including handouts, will cost only $49 for all six weeks! I hope you will join us!

To sign up you can go to paypal and pay directly to theempowermentcoach@gmail.com. Or, if you prefer, drop me a note at recoverycoachbev@theempowermentcoach.net to let me know of your interest and we can work out the details together.

Til next time, stay conscious and take care of YOU!

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC
Family Recovery Coach
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
786 859 4050

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