12 Step Family

Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post is the third in a month-long series on Key Four, which is the first of the Four Cornerstones. This Key is known as the Four C’s: “You Didn’t Cause It, You Can’t Control It, You Can’t Cure It. BUT, You DON’T Have to Contribute To It.”

The ability to Be A Loving Mirror (BALM) takes motivation and understanding. Last month we learned about the three relationships (that with God, self, and others) and how to develop them to help you regain your peace and sanity. Next, There are four cornerstones to help you build the understanding you need to move forward through the four foundations to the goal of Being A Loving Mirror. The first cornerstone is the Four C’s. Learn the 4 C’s well. They will play a KEY role in allowing you to experience the sanity of family recovery. This post, YOU CAN’T CURE THEIR ADDICTION is part three of a serialization of my chapter on the 4 C’s in my upcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity.

You Can’t Cure Your Loved One’s Addiction

After awhile, a person trying to fight off a fire with a glass of water gives up, just as does a person trying to swim upstream. In the case of someone who loves an addict, trying often goes on long after hopelessness sets in. After all, there MUST be a cure for this. You knew this person before they got crazy, addicted, mean, etc. And you LOVE them. If anyone can solve this crisis, it is you.

And so, you start on a quest to solve the problem: to cure them of their addiction. Though well meant, these efforts are often misdirected. To help you understand how and why, it is important to understand the construct that guides the ideas in this book: the disease concept.

As the American Medical Association, SAMHSA (the Substance Abuse/Mental Health Services Administration) the National Institute of Drug Abuse (NIDA) and most other health and human services agencies and experts see it, addiction is a disease that, at this time in history, can be arrested but not cured. That being the case, you may want to accept that if the greatest medical minds cannot yet cure this disease, maybe you can’t either.

Here is a recent quote for you to ponder as well:
“After four years of work involving 80 experts, the American Society of Addiction Medicine is redefining addiction—to alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, and more—as a brain disorder, updating its former classification as a behavioral problem, reports Live Science. Addiction is also now considered a primary and chronic disorder, meaning it is not the result of stress, abuse, or other causes, and it needs to be treated over a patient’s lifetime, just as one would deal with a chronic disease like diabetes.

ASAM officials were swayed in part due to advancements in neuroscience over the last 20 years, which have shed light on the fact that the brain circuitry that regulates impulse control and judgment is altered in addicts’ brains. “We have to stop moralizing, blaming, controlling or smirking at the person with the disease of addiction,” said an addiction researcher. “The disease is about brains, not drugs.” ” www.newser.com

This new official categorization of addiction as being about the brain and not a moral issue, is crucial to our understanding of this C – which Alanon wrote so many years ago! YOU cannot cure it!

This disease is an inside job for the addict to work on. For some, that will mean finding a Higher Power of their understanding to heal and guide them. For others, recovery meetings will be the answer. For others still, in-patient or outpatient treatment.

For others, it may mean going through a process of trying to control their consumption or finding that they cannot handle even a drop of alcohol or drugs and reaching a bottom that makes it more painful to pick up their drug of choice than to not do so.

You can force circumstances sometimes, but you cannot force results. It’s a process of discovery they have to go through themselves. When family members try to cure their addicted loved ones, the family members often find themselves getting sick and making things worse for the addict.

What would it take for you to admit that you cannot cure this disease? That it is beyond your skills and capabilities to heal this person who you love so much? In the 12 step program Nar-Anon, the difficulty of this admission is reflected in the first step: “We admitted we were powerless over the addict, that our lives had become unmanageable.” After trying and trying, many family members report that eventually they found that curing their addict was a hopeless endeavor for them to pursue and that in fact, tearing themselves apart trying to stop the drinking or drugging often ended up:

• Destroying any semblance of a relationship they had left with the addict
• Giving the addict an excuse to blame them for his/her troubles
• Turned the family member into an obsessive person with no interest in anything other than fixing something that could not be fixed. As a result, the family member became boring, depressed, isolated, and alone.

In our next post we will continue this serialization of the 4 C’s chapter with the 4th C: But You Don’t Have to Contribute to It. Stay tuned!

Feeling impatient and want to read a first edition of the whole chapter on the 4 C’s? Click here and you will receive this article and other 12 Keys information, recordings, and handouts.

–
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”

Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post is the second in a month-long series on Key Four, which is the first of the Four Cornerstones. This Key is known as the Four C’s: “You Didn’t Cause It, You Can’t Control It, You Can’t Cure It. BUT, You DON’T Have to Contribute To It.”

The ability to Be A Loving Mirror takes motivation and understanding. There are four cornerstones to help you build the understanding you need to move forward through the four foundations to the goal of Being A Loving Mirror. The first cornerstone is the Four C’s. Learn the 4 C’s well. They will play a KEY role in allowing you to enter the sanity of family recovery. This post, YOU CAN’T CONTROL THEIR ADDICTION is part two of a serialization of my chapter on the 4 C’s in my upcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity.

You Can’t Control Your Loved One’s Addiction

Imagine a moving river. Its rapids are fast and strong. You are downstream and determined to move a mile back upstream. Your challenge: You have no boat. All you have are your two arms and two legs. And so, you decide that, with all the might you have, you will swim upstream.

An hour later, you have gone up about 12”.Two hours later, you are about 2 feet downstream from where you started. Your arms are strong and your will is powerful, but the rapids are stronger and more powerful and your arms are tiring. Before you know it, you are on the side of the river, panting and cursing at the winds.

Likewise, trying to control your addict’s addiction is a tiring, impossible task. No matter how hard you try, the addiction is stronger than you, cleverer, more manipulative. Its tentacles are wrapped around your loved one’s neck and no matter how hard you try, you lose.

Here are the facts:
As stated above, your addict is a separate person from you and his life is not yours to control. Sadly, in his addiction, his life is not his to control either, but that is another story for another day. This book is for you.

If the upstream metaphor doesn’t work for you, imagine trying to control the ocean tides, trying to change the size of the waves, or trying to turn darkness into light without a light bulb or fire. Only the sun can do these things. You are just not that powerful.

In fact, when it comes to controlling your loved one’s addiction, you might say (as the twelve steps of Alanon contend) that you are powerless. Your powers lie elsewhere (see the section on contribution to the addiction later in this chapter). Here are some things that happen when you simply ignore the fact that you can’t control the addiction and try anyway:

• The addict often rebels and gets worse just to spite you
• The addict blames you for his using the more you hassle, harass, and bug him to stop
• You get resentful, angry and filled with sadness
• Your life gets unmanageable and spins out of control
• Your own sense of separateness from the addict dissolves in an unhealthy way. In your mind, you become one with the addict – feeling his/her pain, embarrassment, shame, and YOUR life becomes unbearable.

In our next post we will continue this chapter with “You Can’t Cure It” – stay tuned!

Feeling impatient? To read an older version of the Four C’s in full, plus have access to other 12 Keys essentials click here.

–
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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Dear Coach Bev,
I’d like to start the 12 step program. What do I do?
Signed,
Silvia

Dear Silvia,
So glad you asked that question – especially today as we come to the end of our focus on Key 3: Developing Relationships with Others! I developed the 12 keys to provide my students, coachees, and readers with 12 recovery principles to help them move in the direction of Being a Loving Mirror. And, I started the 12 Keys with the three relationships (that which you have with God, self and others) as I believe these relationships are the key to inner peace.

Actually, I wrote the first three keys to sanity to emphasize the importance of developing these three relationships, which the 12 steps of recovery show you, in detail, how to put into practice. In fact, I see the 12 steps as a roadmap for developing all three relationships, for those who are ready to pick up the map and follow it. And the keys are designed as an introduction and/or enhancement to these powerful steps of recovery. You can use both sets of principles along the recovery path! They truly compliment each other. But back to the steps…

If you want to get involved with a 12 step program, first thing you want to do is figure out which one you are qualified for. In other words, what is your addiction? is it to a person? a drug? a drink? food? sex and love?

You can find a list of many of the 12 step programs along with their websites and phone numbers by clicking here. If you don’t find your program on this list, do an Internet search that describes the substance or behavior you are addicted to and if there is a 12 step program for that. For instance, if you are a messy person, look up Clutterers Anonymous on the Internet. If the issue is debt, look up Debtors Anonymous, etc.

Once you determine which program is the best one for you, contact that program and get a meeting list. Most list meetings on their website. There are in person meetings, phone meetings, online meetings, and video chat meetings.

In the Rooms (www.intherooms.com) offers lots of support for people in many of the 12 step programs, lists of meetings, recorded meetings to listen to, and online chat meetings. There are over 165,000 recovering people who belong to in the rooms. It is actually the largest social network for people in recovery in the world! So that could be a very good place to start.

So, let’s say you find your meeting and start going. Each time you are at the meeting, listen to the shares of the people there. When you hear someone share, whose life and message exemplify the way you would like to live your recovery, you can ask them to be your sponsor. It could take you awhile to find this person. In the meantime, you can just get to know people in the meetings, share phone numbers and make new recovery friends. You can even ask for someone to be your temporary sponsor, to help you get started until you find the sponsor you are looking for. Once you do find a sponsor, temporary or permanent, they will take you through the 12 steps, which are the heart of the 12 step programs. This is called “working the steps”.

In order to help you work the steps, there is lots of literature out there. You can find a lot of it ONLINE for FREE! For instance, the entire text of Alcoholics Anonymous (the original 12 step program) is online FOR FREE for you to download.Click here to see it. It’s called the Big Book of AA and it’s got tremendous wisdom as well as a step by step guide to working the steps that works for any program you are in. But it’s preferable to work the steps with a guide rather than on your own. There are many people out there to help you. Find one and get started!

Working the steps is a term you will hear a lot in the 12 step programs. Basically, it means, working with another person in recovery, called a sponsor, who will help you understand and work through the principles of the program that are contained in the steps. This usually involves a lot of discussion, writing, thinking, prayer and meditation. It is a powerful, life changing process that has the power to help you make a shift to a much more positive, life-affirming mindset. Don’t allow what I just wrote to put you off! You can do it at your own pace and in your own time. And, not everyone does it exactly. The thing is, working the steps is what brings about lasting recovery, which brings me to my next point…

Lots of people think the meetings are the program, or the slogans are the program (Keep coming back; one day at a time; first things first; THINK; etc.), or the literature is the program. To me, more than anything else, the steps are the program. The 12 steps are, to me, the distillation of all of the wisdom traditions of the world and of the ages. By the time I had entered the rooms 35 years ago, I had already begun studying various religions and could see that the steps were made up of the deepest core of that wisdom, the stuff that all of the various traditions have in common!

In 12 sentences, a person whose life is shattered in one or more areas, is offered the opportunity to do the following:
1. find out what they do and don’t have power over in their life
2. discover a Higher Power who can help them sanely deal with the things they’re powerless over
3.decide to surrender the things that matter to them to that Higher Power
4. take inventory of their own attitudes, words, feelings, thoughts and behaviors
5. share that honestly with another person
6. become willing to give up their character flaws
7. ask for spiritual help to get rid of those flaws
8. list the people they’ve harmed and become willing to make amends to them all
9. make amends unless doing so would hurt someone else.
Steps 10 to 12 are the steps that make the process a daily habit in that the newly recovered person proceeds to work at living honestly and spiritually one day at a time and helping others overcome their challenges.

This process of trusting God, cleaning house, and helping others, has, for over 50 years, been helping those affected by their own or someone else’s addiction, bringing sanity and serenity back into their previously tattered and torn lives.
.
Everytime someone enters a meeting and admits they cannot do it alone, they begin the journey of working the steps, of putting their life back in order and of, ultimately, helping another person to do the same. It’s a chain of love and kindness, passed along from one wounded person to another, healing both people’s wounds in the process of the work they do together.

If you think you could benefit from this work, what are you waiting for? Check out the list of different 12 step programs by clicking here, find the one that is right for you and get to a meeting!

You don’t have to be alone anymore and you don’t have to search for a secret to the happiness, joy and freedom you have been seeking! It’s been here all along in the 12 steps of recovery.

Enjoy the weekend Silvia and let me know how your first meeting goes!

Best,

Coach Bev

–
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post is the fifth in a month-long series on Developing Relationships with Others.

There’s a saying in the 12 step rooms: There are only three kinds of business: my business, your business and God’s business.

If it is something that I am responsible for, it’s my business.
If it is something that you are responsible for, it’s your business.
If it is something beyond either of our ability to fathom, let alone change, then it’s God’s business.

So, whose business are you minding?

Chances are, if you are living with someone who is struggling with addictive behaviors, from time to time you may feel tempted to take over their responsibilities and, in essence, mind their business.

But building healthy relationships with others requires that we allow others to live their lives as they see fit. It is a right each person has, to choose how they are going to live their life and then do it.

But you may say, my loved one is killing himself. Isn’t it my job to fix things? to make them better? to help them handle life when they’re high or drunk? to make sure they get clean and sober?

By now you know my answer, a resounding “NO.” It’s not your job. There are some things you can do to make things better, but taking over a loved one’s responsibilities and trying to fix their life are NOT among them.

Fact is, if you are like most of us, you have your hands full just minding YOUR business…making sure you take care of your self, your growing (not adult) children, your home and job responsibilities, your financial obligations, etc.

Yet, when an active addict appears on the scene, many of us drop all that we ARE responsible for and take on the responsibilities and life choices of the addicts we love…

This key, Developing Relationships with Others, is about building appropriate relationships, based on the solid foundation of a strong personal relationship with a Higher Power (Key #1) and a strong positive relationship with oneself (Key#2). Once we are solid in keys 1 and 2, we are better able to allow others the right to handle their own affairs.

So what can we do to help?

By keeping the focus on ourselves, our recovery, our lives, we are bringing a strong, serene presence to our relationships that not only serves as a role model but also helps us be much more able to Be A Loving Mirror with our loved ones. If you’ve been reading this blog, you know that being a loving mirror is one of the most powerful ways for you to impact your loved one’s life.

And, if you attended or received the recording of my interview with Interventionist Ken Pomerance yesterday (click here to get your copy NOW), then you also know that Being a Loving Mirror on a regular basis is the perfect way to give your loved one the honest, authentic feedback that will hopefully get through to them so a full-scale intervention will not be necessary. On the other hand, by learning Loving Mirror skills, you are preparing yourself, should you need to take the step of a formal Intervention, for exactly the type of loving truth-telling necessary in that situation as well.

Building Relationships with Others is challenging, especially when those others struggle with addictive behaviors. But there are tools that will help! Minding your own business is one of the most powerful. Next time you are tempted to do something for someone else, ask yourself “Whose business is it?” and if it’s not your business, focus back on your life, on your business, and let it alone!

Put your focus on what you CAN do: Run YOUR life and BE A LOVING MIRROR to your addicted loved ones!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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The trauma of having a child, friend or relative using substances without regard to their health or safety, or that of anyone else, is one of life’s most difficult challenges. What tools do you find most effective in helping you regain your sanity when you see someone you love doing things that you know could harm themselves or others and there is nothing you can do to stop them?

When it comes to relating to those we love, especially but not exclusively those who use drugs, alcohol, or other addictive substances or behaviors, it is important to have a toolbox of spiritual, mental, and physical techniques available to you so that you do not fall apart because of their issues.

Here are a few that I and my clients have found helpful as we walk our path. See if any of them work for you:

1. Consciously breathe. The breath is one of the greatest tools we have to bring our minds back to calm when fearful thoughts threaten to take over. Notice I said fearful THOUGHTS, not fearful BEHAVIORS OF OTHERS. It is not others’ behaviors that destroy our peace of mind, but how we think about those behaviors. Breathing slowly, calmly and deeply, can help us stay fully present to whatever situation is facing us and allow us to focus on our next best step, rather than on the racing thoughts of fear and of possible tragic outcomes that tend to rush through our minds when faced with our loved one’s behaviors.

2. Become aware of yourself exactly in relation to exactly where you are RIGHT NOW. You see your loved one in an intoxicated state. Or they are telling you a story or problem with potentially dire consequences. You have started to use tool one, Consciously Breathe, but still you feel your thoughts racing. Now, as you continue to breathe, take a look around. Become aware of the wallpaper, the ceiling fan, the diningroom chair fabric. Allow your eyes to embrace your environment and see the detail and beauty in a new way. You get the picture. Take your focus off of your fear and put it right where you are. Allow yourself to see the world around you in THIS moment in order to further relax calm yourself.

3. Become aware of yourself in your environment If you are outside, feel the sun on your skin and the grass under your toes. If you are in a chair, feel your body touching the chair and your feet touching the floor. If your arms are crossed. feel your fingers touching your arms. Keep breathing of course and just focus on yourself, in your environment, breathing.

These three tools, of breathing, focusing on the present moment environment, and focusing on yourself IN the environment, all have tremendous power to bring you back to the present momen,t regardless of the news you are hearing about what just happened to your loved one or the thoughts your mind is playing about what could happen. This isn’t about going off into la-la land. It is about becoming able to hear what people are telling us without going into full battle mode, which after awhile, can create an inner trauma loop in our minds that keeps us from relating effectively to our loved ones.

Being related to someone who is often doing dangerous things, can create trauma in us. However, if we begin to ground ourselves in our own body, in our own breath, in our own environment, in the moment, we will begin to be able to physically experience the ability to detach with love. We will have a sense of inner calm that will allow us to respond in a manner appropriate to the situation, without all of the intense mental thought clutter we used to have that is grounded less in reality than in fear and panic.

To relate to others in the moment, with lovingkindness and effectiveness, to Be that Loving Mirror (TM), it is crucial to develop our own ability to feel a sense of calm underlying all that we think, do, and say. Not easy, but simple. With daily practice, you will own these tools and BE there for others in ways you had previously not thought possible. MORE importantly, you will be there for yourself, as the inner calm will minimize the wear and tear on your body and mind that stress often brings.

Practice these three things even when not hearing bad news. Practice BEING in the moment on a regular basis and the skill will be there for you when you need it.

Let me know how it is going for you!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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Expectations of others don’t work. They get us in trouble and make us miserable. Often, the others we are expecting to act in a specific way don’t do what we expect them to do and then we feel let down and disappointed. Those feelings often translate into our treating them in a dismissive or disgruntled way which wounds the relationship even further.

So, what does that mean? Shouldn’t we be able to have standards of how others we associate with act and treat us? Isn’t it my right to expect that others will behave in ways that I can live with?

Well, it depends on what you want from the situation. If you are just getting to know someone and are considering them as a life partner, best friend, or business partner, knowing what you want from the relationship and being aware of whether the person fits the bill can be very important in helping you determine whether to go on with the relationship or not.

Or, if you are making a decision as to whether to continue with a relationship that has been on the decline and you are aware that certain things about the person are not things you can live with and you want out, using discernment as to whether or not you choose to live with those things anymore can be very helpful as well.

But, if you are in a relationship for the long haul either as a spouse, a parent, a child or a friend, and you find yourself, over and over again, expecting the person you love to live their life the way you think they should live it, and they have a different idea or simply cannot comply, it may be time to ask yourself if that expectation is really serving you or the relationship. Here’s an example:

Let’s say, you have an expectation that your loved one come home for dinner each evening by 6 PM. It’s a ‘reasonable’ expectation, don’t you think? But somehow, they never make it. Sometimes they come at 6:30, sometimes at 7, sometimes at 9 and sometimes not at all…You’ve tried everything. You’ve yelled, screamed, given them the silent treatment and calmly told them that this is not acceptable. Yet, the behavior continues.

Inside, you are so angry, you are boiling.

This family member is ruining the dinner hour for you and everyone else. They are a bad example for the rest of the family members and after you get through postponing and seething through the hour or two or three of waiting for them each evening, the rest of the family is, quite frankly, starved, angry and frustrated as well – as much with you as with your loved one.

So, what do you do? Well, just to mix things up, what if you simply let go of the expectation that they come home at all. Accept that they may or may not come home for dinner, and put your focus on making a delicious dinner (if that is your job) for the rest of the family members. You may decide to set a place for them or not. If not and they show up, they can set one when they get there. If so, and they don’t, you can either leave theirs out for when they do come (if there is any food left) OR put their place setting away and let them completely fend for themselves when they get home.

If it feels unmanageable, unfair, untenable to do this, to let them get away with this without letting them know how awful it is, I have a surprise for you: They are already getting away with it already. As for your histrionic and/or seething reactions to their behavior, your loved one is probably immune to it…After awhile, nagging behavior becomes invisible or is simply used as an excuse to use more, drink more and stay out later.

In AA, they talk about dropping the rock. The rock can be anything that is holding us back from being our best and enjoying the potentially wonderful life that recovery offers us. By dropping the rock of expectation from your relationships with others, you can enjoy them when they are around just as they are, without always insisting they be who you want them to be.

It’ll allow you and your other family members to enjoy mealtime again, it will potentially improve your relationship with your loved one and, interestingly enough, it may give them less of a reason to stay away…

When one person in a relationship changes their behavior, the dynamics of the relationship must change.

Of course, changing your own attitudes, actions and reactions is challenging. That’s what the 12 Keys will do. By working to become a Loving Mirror in your loved one’s life, you WILL improve the quality of YOUR life and hopefully, theirs as well!

It’d be great to have you in our upcoming Loving Mirror Coaching group! There you will find partners in growth to insure your path and a coach to help you shine a light on your own inner wisdom! Learn more at www.beverlybuncher.com/loving mirror/.

See you there!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”

Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post will is the first in a month-long series that will post on Developing Relationships with Others.

Recently I received this post from a reader:

Dear Bev, after being married to an alchoholic for 20 years, I got divorced, I met a wonderful man I was dating for almost 5 years. We only saw each other on the weekends. As we became closer it became clear he is also an alchoholic and partier & to top it off his 2 adult children are drug users. I am devistated. I feel duped and stupid. How did I miss the signs this time? – Feeling betrayed…

Dear Betrayed,

First of all, thank you so much for your note and question. Your willingness to put out there the exact dilemma that so many ex-spouses of alcoholics/addicts face will help many others better understand the seeming insanity of what has happened to you.

Many people who marry an active addict the first time around often find an equally dysfunctional person the second time around (and in some cases the 3rd, 4th, and 5th time as well…).

So, what is that about and what does this have to do with the 3rd Key to Sanity: Developing Loving Relationships with Others?

Everyday of our lives, we are bombarded with images of what the ideal mate looks like, talks like, acts like. We see, on television and in the movies, people with perfect bodies, perfect jobs, perfect smiles, and lots and lots of money and we see what they have as what we really want, but yet, the only place we see life playing out like that is on fictionalized shows and in movies. We may go to church, temple, mosque or synagogue and get a different perspective on what good and perfect mean and begin to develop ideals that compete with those of the media and culture around us.

Then, deep inside of us are the tapes we’ve been playing since our childhood of what we are worth, who we deserve, what we can get in life and what kind of life we will live. If our parents were dysfunctional in anyway and/or if they abused us emotionally or physically, we carry those tapes of being less than. If we were sexually abused by anyone, in our family or outside of our family, we carry those tapes of shame and unworthiness.

When we look for a mate initially, we carry all of these competing views of ourselves and others along for the search. Unless we have developed a very strong relationship with a Higher Power along with a very healthy, sense of self and a relationship with ourselves that consciously and subconsciously knows what is best for us and will accept nothing less than that, chances are, our choices may have been less than ideal. Then, once we have a marriage, we begin to think of ourselves in certain ways and to see our lives in certain ways based on what we experience in relation to our mate. And if that mate is an active alcoholic/addict, we may feel extremely isolated, confused, lonely, and afraid. How did this person who we loved so much turn into such a_________________ (you fill in the blank- monster, meanie,etc.)

So, there we are in a marriage with another person who at first appeared to be very much in sync with who/what we wanted in life, but now, as we look deeper, has lots of issues that we have no idea how to cope with. Being stuck like that, many of us put the dysfunctional coping mechanisms we learned at home into place. We cry, sulk, scream and yell to get them to behave better toward us. When these don’t work, we ignore, get bitter, put our interests and energy elsewhere, and, if we don’t have the means or guts to GET OUT, or if our religious beliefs encourage us to stick it out NO MATTER WHAT, we ENDURE.

Perhaps you can relate to that scenario. Your story may be quite different. If possible, find a piece of it that works for you and stay with me here.

So, after awhile, six months, six years, 12 years, 20 years, 35 years later, you change your mind. You are done enduring and decide to get the heck out of this unendurable marriage and start over. So you do. Maybe your spouse did the unspeakable: cheated on you, and that was your breaking point. Or maybe after the 16th time they cheated on you, you realized this was not going to get better and you left. Or maybe they left you for the other woman/man. Anyway, you get the picture. The marriage is OVER, done, finished.

You are out on your own, finally out from under the thumb of this person who “made you so miserable.”

Now what?

For many who find themselves in this position, it’s lonely! Even though the marriage was lonely, someone was at least THERE. There was a warm body on the other side of the bed or in the next room and not everything about the marriage was bad, etc., etc., …Of course, not everyone is that upset. The freedom can be intoxicating! the chance to meet others and have a good time is grand.

But now what?

All of the above is written to set the scenario for meeting partner #2. After whatever amount of time you have taken to ‘get over’ the last one, you begin to look for your next mate. Perhaps you hardly have to look at all and they find you…or perhaps you spend years looking. Either way, the hunt is on.

Finally, you meet. Certain that this time will be different, you find someone who is not an alcoholic, not an addict, not a…the list goes on. Or so you think. So you get together to live happily ever after. Sometimes the honeymoon lasts weeks, sometimes years. But eventually, it comes out: They may not be an alcoholic, but they may instead take pills or have a sex addiction or a gambling addiction. And there you are again in your own new version of the same Hell you endured the last time around…or maybe something even worse…

What went wrong?

The reason Key 3: Developing Relationships with Other People comes 3rd and not 1st, is that without good strong inner work on ourselves, our relationships with others will often come up short. What I’m saying here is that the relationships we have with others are much more about us than about them! and the kinds of people we choose to have in our lives are also much more about us than about them!

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that life with an alcoholic or addict is easy. I’m not saying that if you aren’t yet married and you find that your partner is deeply troubled (sex addict, drug addict, gambler, alcoholic, etc.) you shouldn’t run as fast and as far as you can.

What I am saying is that when you look at who you are involved with, who your friends are or aren’t (if you don’t have any), or who you choose to end up with as a partner, the most important person in the relationship vis-a-vis these choices can be found right in your own mirror.

So, what does this all mean?

As shared at the beginning of this post, all kinds of outside input from society, school, friends, and parents, contribute to how we see ourselves and what we think we are worthy of in life. When we really want the perfect mate, but on some level feel we aren’t worthy of him or her, the feelings will often win out. Getting our insides congruent with our outsides, our feelings congruent with our desires, is one piece of the puzzle of finding the right person. Jerry and Esther Hicks write about this in all of their books about the Law of Attraction.

Another key to becoming congruent on the level of feeling, is to do the deeper work of healing the sorrow of a less than perfect childhood and unhappy1st marriage. This can be approached through therapy, 12 step work, parts work, voice dialogue, and/or other emotional healing modalities.

Life choices happen on so many levels, many of which are below the surface of our conscious awareness. Once we are in a difficult situation, it can be much more difficult and complicated to get out of it than it was to get into it in the first place.

For those who are not yet involved in a first or second dysfunctional relationship, yet have a history of family dysfunction behind them, the best advice is to do the inner work first. I remember being given that advice and feeling too anxious to get my life moving toward the future, marriage, kids, etc… Maybe you remember that feeling too?

But wherever you are planted, it is never too late to begin the inner work of healing. The 12 Keys of Sanity which culminate in Key 12 “Being a Loving Mirror” provide a series of recovery principles designed to help you see yourself as the person you need to change in your life in order to make your life better! This may be a harsh pill to swallow, but it is true.

For some, these principles alone provide a good foundation. For others, the support of others is crucial…This can come in the form of a recovery coach to help you move in the direction of your dreams while looking honestly at what is going on in your present life that you may want/need to look at in order to get there!
For others, who have experienced severe trauma or distress, the help of a coach can be supplemented by that of a therapist.

Many find help in a group setting. There are Alanon and Naranon meetings all over the country and all over the world. Once you start going, get a sponsor and begin the 12 steps of recovery, where tremendous healing can be found. I work the steps daily and have found tremendous strength and healing in them. But for me and many others, more help was needed.

To add to your recovery by combining the help of a group with that of a coach, feel free to join a Loving Mirror Coaching Group. For 12 weeks, you will gain the insights and professional guidance of a Family Recovery Coach, along with the support of a group of others who have decided to take the lead in their lives in learning how to improve their relationship with themselves and the others in their lives. It’s an inexpensive way to have both a coach and a support group, all in one and the meetings are as close as your phone! A new group starts tomorrow, Wednesday, 8-3-11 at 8 PM ET. To learn more, click here.

So, dear reader, there you are with your boyfriend of five years who turns out to be a drinker, a partier and the parent of 2 adult drug addicts. Only you can decide if you have hit the jackpot in a negative or positive way. Only you can decide if your best bet is to cut your losses and GET OUT or to stick around and play the song again.

If you decide to stay, if you do the INNER work, this time CAN be different. That may mean he will decide to get well due to your example OR it may mean your interests will become so blatantly dissimilar, that one or both of you may leave the relationship.

If you decide to leave, AND are willing to let go of relationships for awhile while you do the INNER work, next time CAN be different!

If you simply keep blaming this whole repeat performance on the OTHERS, chances are, you WILL keep bringing dysfunctional people into your life – to repeat the performance again and again….and only once you realize that the only constant in the play of dysfunctional people in and out of your life is YOU, will you start to decide it is time to begin an inner journey of your own.

By building a relationship with yourself first, your chance at building a great relationship with others will be greatly enhanced.

If I can be of further help to you on your journey, give me a call and we can set up a time to talk further.

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post will focus on Key #2: Developing a Relationship with Yourself.

Everyday there is someone you wake up with, go to sleep with, eat with, watch TV with, pray with, talk to, listen to and live with 24/7. You were born together, you will die together and when your relationship is a good one, your life is oh so much more pleasant and easy to handle. But when you hate that someone, you live in constant turmoil.

That someone, if you haven’t already guessed, is yourself.

When the book How to Be Your Own Best Friend first came out in the 70′s, many people laughed. 30 years later, the importance of having a healthy relationship with yourself is well known. Yet, so many of us still battle those inner bad feelings toward ourselves, also known as “Low Self-Esteem”.

Key #2 is dedicated to this important relationship because of the important place this relationship plays in life. If you can’t stand yourself, chances are you don’t much like other people. By the same token, if you find yourself disliking other people, chances are, you don’t much like yourself. Likewise, if you are critical of others, you are probably really hard on yourself and visa-versa.

It’s impossible to escape the consequences of self-disdain and challenging to heal from such negative feelings toward oneself. But, hardly impossible.

To see where you are in this crucial relationship, ask yourself the following questions:

1. When you have nothing to do on a rainy Saturday, and no one you know is available to hang out with you, how do you feel about spending the day alone just relaxing in your own company, no TV, no distractions, just you, yourself, and you?

2. When you make a mistake at work or in front of others, do you feel humiliated and hold on to those feelings, continuing to relive them in your mind, or do you feel you have just had a learning experience and maybe even find yourself using it as an opportunity to enjoy a good laugh at your own imperfections?

3. When someone else isn’t perfect, do you jump on them for their mistakes? Do you, in other words, find the need to “get well on others” (feel better about yourself by making others feel bad about themselves)?

If you have a difficult time spending time by yourself without distractions, it may be you could use some work on that relationship with yourself. If you feel overwhelmingly embarrassed when you make mistakes in front of others, it may mean you could benefit from some work on your relationship with yourself. If you can’t stand imperfection in others and feel compelled to point out their mistakes and maybe even make fun of their gaffs, it may be that you are very critical of yourself, always requiring a level of perfection that you can never quite live up to.

This month, we will look at the relationship with self and talk about some ways to build that relationship, heal the inner rifts that may be holding you back from being your best self, and additional tips on how to improve the quality of that most basic of relationships: the relationship you have with yourself.

Until then,

Be Loving to YOURSELF!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the Twelve Keys to Sanity for Family Members of Addicts

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

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If you have ever asked yourself the following questions…

How can I get through to my loved one?
How can I maintain a sense of normalcy in the face of her chaotic behavior?
How can I make this situation improve?
What steps can I take to re-build a life that seems so broken?

…my upcoming teleseminar on Being A Loving Mirror can help you!

If you attend, here is what you will learn:
1. What works and what doesn’t when communicating with an addict
2. A direct plan for communicating directly and effectively with the addict during or soon after a crisis
3. A clear understanding of what it takes to operate sanely in the middle of a chaotic situation
4. A vision of what recovery from family addiction looks like and how to bring that first into your life and potentially into the lives of all those around you.

Here is a note one of the enrollees wrote and my response:

Bev,

I could use some help with communicating with my wife from whom I am separated though we continue to share a house. I am the addict in the relationship, and I recently had to restart my sobriety, because of drinking. Step 4 above really resonates with me.

I see a counselor weekly and go to group therapy once a week as well. I am also a recovering sex addict and am working my 12 step programs as best I can, including attending conventions where the recovery is intensified. I am doing the best I can at any given time, but I’m always feeling like I could be doing something more, as I put my wife through hell.

The mirroring thing sounds wonderful. I do attempt, albeit a bit feebly, to do this. But not very well, so I will listen and see what goes.

Thanks,
Daniel

Dear Daniel,

I hear your dilemma and I salute you for all of the inner work you are doing and pursuing. After relapse and recovery, things can be delicate in the coupleship for awhile – sometimes a long while. Each partner has their role in healing the relationship, but sometimes it falls on the one who is more conscious at that moment (or more able to do the work) to initiate or move things forward. Your acknowledgement of your role in her current pain is a good start. Then there is a process of letting go and mirroring that can help not only her, but also you, to heal further.

I’d say the Being A Loving Mirror (BALM) Teleseminar is a good choice for you at this point. You mentioned that you are separated but living in the same house. You might invite her to the tele-seminar as well, but an invitation is freely given without expectations. Your learning the tools and modeling them is powerful as well. BALM will give anyone who comes, tools to heal from the family addiction hell that often overtakes the addict and everyone close to him or her.

Once the addict is sober, there is a lot of codependence on both sides that needs healing. Your willingness to clean up your side of the street in this area certainly will help. If nothing else, it will increase your peace and sanity. The beautiful thing about Being A Loving Mirror (nicknamed BALM because its practice is soothing and healing) is that it is a practice that is appropriate for all relationships – not only with addicts, but with anyone we love or interact with.

The challenge is that it is a completely non-judgmental practice. Should judgment seep in, such as “Yes, I know I hurt you, but aren’t you over it yet?’, things can get stickly and the BALM can lose its healing power.

It doesn’t require perfection, because it is, as in all things in recovery work, a practice. And the more we do it with the aim of total non-judgment in mind, the better we get at truly being there as a loving mirror for the other person. That’s why it helps so much to study and learn and practice these concepts in groups, so others can give us feedback and help us get better at ‘being there’, present and lovingly, for the people in our lives, and for ourselves.

I’m looking forward to seeing you in the teleseminar and working with you on this!

All the best,
Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC
ICF Professional Certified Coach
Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life
www.beverlybuncher.com
786 859 4050
Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the Four Foundations of Family Recovery

Click here join in on my upcoming FREE Teleseminar series: Being A Loving Mirror (BALM)!

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

If you are an addict in recovery looking for ‘more’ in your recovery and in your life, let’s discuss how you can do so by finding your life purpose in recovery. For more information, check out my blog at www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com .

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Dear Coach Bev,

My husband of 6 years has started using again. We were users together when we met, but we got clean together 4 years ago and our daughter was born into a clean and sober home 3 years ago. 2 weeks ago I realized that he was using again and when I asked him to take a drug test last Monday, he refused. Not wanting to put my sobriety or my daughter in danger, I took my daughter and left the house.

We are now on a waiting list for a transitional sober living facility, where I will be able to work and save the money I earn so we can go out on our own. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do besides getting sober myself, but I can’t think of any other options. No one in my family can take us in and if we stay with my husband, things could go from bad to worse quickly.

The thing is that I am so resentful and angry at my husband that I can hardly be in the same room with him. We were on a path to repairing our lives in a really solid and positive way and he completely blew it… If you have any advice or guidance for me, I will appreciate it.
Sober in Cincinnati

Dear Sober in Cincinnati,

So sorry to hear about your husband’s relapse. The whole experience of getting sober together and beginning to build a new life as a couple is a powerful one and when one of the couple loses his or her bearings, life can quickly unravel for the entire family. What I am hearing you say is that you are writing to get support for your decision to move on to a safer place for you and your son AND to get some guidance about what to do with all of that anger and resentment you’ve got, which you know hurt you more than it could ever hurt your husband.

In terms of your decision to not stay in the home once you have realized your husband is using, all I can say is, Bravo. While this decision is a terribly difficult one for any spouse, when the non-using spouse is currently in recovery and feeling vulnerable to returning to a using life herself if she stays in the house, getting out if at all possible is essential.

So, now what do you do with that anger and resentment? Of course, getting to a lot of meetings, writing about what you are feeling in your journal, praying, and working it through with your sponsor are all valid answers. The feelings are strong, understandable, and need to be felt and dealt with. But, as you know, they are yours to deal with and not something to express to your husband in an unbridled fashion. Your job, if you have any interest in helping the father of your daughter to get back on track, is to work out your feelings with your sponsor, coach, meetings, journal, etc., and to relate to him in as calm and objective a fashion as possible.

Remembering that he is sick, not bad is the first step. I like the slogan ‘there but for the grace of God’ and it seems especially apropos in this case. If the tables were reversed and you were the one in relapse, how would you want to be treated? I’m not saying this isn’t difficult, that he did not do something that has completely turned your life upside down or that you are not ‘justified’ in being angry and resentful. Rather, that if you express it to him, you are not helping him or yourself or your little girl.

So, what do you do?

In my last post, I discussed the importance of being a loving mirror to your addict (get a copy of my free report on this by going to my website at www.theempowermentcoach.net). This is still the best advice I can give you.

Being a loving mirror involves really getting YOUR act together. Working on your serenity and self awareness so that when you hear what your loved one is saying, you do NOT take it personally or overreact. Rather, you simply listen, breathe through it to stay calm, and share what YOU are seeing happen to them and/or how you are seeing the situation, as objectively and without emotion as possible. This is easier said than done. It can greatly help to have a coach work with you on practicing this as it is probably one of the hardest things to do consistently, and yet, it has some very powerful benefits:

1. When you take your emotional reaction out of the equation, you have less chance of blowing up. Blowing up distracts from whatever the conversation is about and simply keeps the addict angry at you instead of helping him/her to see what is really going on and deal with it. It keeps YOU at the center of the problem and keeps them blaming you for everything from their using to the way things are. Unless you want to fan the flames of denial and rage, you will want to get YOUR personal reactions out of any interactions you have with a using loved one. Share them with your sponsor, your coach, your journal, your friends in Alanon or Naranon, but NOT with your addicted loved one.

2. As you know, one of the trademarks of using is lack of awareness of one’s behaviors and how they are affecting self and others. This strong denial is an important factor in keeping the using going and growing. Being a loving mirror is one of the best ways to break the illusion of ‘all is well’ in the addict’s mind. When you listen to your addict tell a lie for instance and you react, it could look like this (Imagine yourself with a red face and a screaming voice):

“You @#$%> .You are destroying our lives. I can’t believe a word you say. I hate you.”

But when your addict lies and you respond in a loving manner, it could look like this. (Imagine yourself taking a deep slow breath, and calmly, without accusation, saying)

“Adam, you just said you didn’t steal that money from my purse. But, I know I had $60 in my purse before you walked into the bedroom 10 minutes ago and now it is gone. I hear that you do not believe that you stole it. And, we are the only two people in the apartment. It is gone. I love you Adam and I know you would not want to hurt me or lie to me. But the money is gone.”

OR like this: “You refused to take a drug test. This is one of the agreements we had should either of us be concerned that the other is using again. We both said we would use that refusal as our way of figuring out what is going on. I’m so sorry the drugs have you in their grip again. What do you suggest we do now?”

OR like this (after getting very calm and centered): “I understand that you no longer feel that drug use is a problem for you. But, that usage almost destroyed our lives when we were younger (give graphic examples in a calm way) and I am no longer willing to include the presence of drug use in my life or that of our daughter. I love you and want you in my life. But drugs can’t be a part of it. I hope you will see it that way at some point, but for now, I guess we just see things differently. For my sobriety and our daughter’s safety, I feel we will need to find a different place to live. I truly hope you will choose to place us before your drug use at some point. But for now it appears that you are deciding that the drugs are more important to you (must say this WITHOUT ANY anger or resentment, just calmly as an observation) and, as much as that hurts me and scares me for you, I will respect your choices, just as I hope you will be able to understand and respect mine.”

The key to Being A Loving Mirror is that you stay calm and have absolutely no sarcasm, judgment, anger, resentment or other negative emotion in your voice. Any negative emotion of yours that comes through just acts as interference that the addict can hook onto in order to not pay attention to the message.

This is not to say that Being a Loving Mirror will lead your addict to immediately throw out his drugs and go to a meeting or treatment. Rather, it will accomplish two things:

1. Over time, responding to your addict in a calm, factual way will have the effect of you holding a constant mirror in front of his face. He has someone in his life who does not react ragefully to his outrageous behavior. Rather, he has someone who is allowing him the opportunity to hear back what is actually going on so that his toxic brain gets a chance to try to process reality without the interference of someone else’s emotional noise.

2. He loses the chance to blame you for his using. When you stop screaming at him, calling him names, acting crazy yourself, trying to control his behavior, he can no longer say (and mean it): “This is all your fault! Anyone married to someone like you would HAVE to use, just to survive.”

You may say, but wait. Look at Charlie Sheen. All of the rational interviews in the world seem to have very little impact on his state of mind (and some of the interviewers are giving him a mirror through calm questions and conversation).

But, folks, we do not know what is going on inside of his mind. We do not know what his process will be in the long run. What we do know is: The more we are calm and rational with an addict, the greater the chance he has of looking within rather than without for the source of his problems.

And here is the best part. Regardless of how long it takes the addict to ‘get it’, if he gets it at all, if YOU practice the principles of the four foundations:

* self care
* being a loving person (which includes but is not limited to being a loving mirror)
* setting boundaries
* getting support

YOU will get better. You will work through your anger, frustration and fears. You will get your life back together. You will not completely fall apart (or if you have, you will get your life back).

It is simple but not easy. You WILL be okay if you simply put one foot in front of the other, get as much support as you can, take care of yourself, treat others (including the addicts in your life) with dignity and respect and set boundaries that will keep YOUR life on track.

I remember when I was new in the program (a year in I guess) and my sponsor would listen to my rants and raves about the addict in my life. I would go on and on (and she encouraged me to get it all out to her, not my addict). Then, when I was all done, she would say, ‘Done?’ I would say yes and she would say, “Now go out there and be a loving person.”

Hard to do, but it sure made life more pleasant and livable.

Rock solid principles never change.

I wish you and your daughter well Sober in Cincinnati, as you travel your path. I wish you continued sobriety and I wish your spouse a renewal of soul, mind, emotion and body. And if you wish it for yourself, I wish a renewal of your marriage for both of you.

All the best – and keep writing those letters everyone! You can contact me through the comments section of this blog or by writing to me at recoverycoachbev@theempowermentcoach.net.

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC
Family Recovery Coach
ICF Certified Professional Certified Coach
Certified True Purpose Coach

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the Four Foundations of Family Recovery
Get Your Free copy of the introductory e-book You Can Transform Your Life from Chaos to Sanity by filling out a request form on my website at www.theempowermentcoach.net.

www.12stepfamily.com
www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com

Call me for a complimentary consult at 786 859 4050

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