12 Step Family

Hi Everyone!

Dealing with an addict’s behavior is one of the toughest things a family member, friend or work colleague can be asked to do! My colleague Melissa Killeen calls the harm done to the family part of the collateral damage of addiction and she asked me, as an expert in family recovery coaching, to list some tips to help family members deal with their addict’s behaviors. So I did. Click here to see that post.

Melissa is a recovery coach for business owners who are in recovery, perhaps just getting out of treatment,  go the the next step by dealing with the collateral damage of their addiction. She has the coaching, recovery, and business expertise to help the newly sober do the work to reestablish their lives effectively.  We work well together, she with the business owner and I with their family.

In addition, once a person is established in their sobriety, one thing I do is help them figure out the contribution they are meant to make in their life through my Life Purpose in Recovery Coaching. (To learn more about this or any other services I offer, click here.)

Hope we will have the opportunity to serve you! Check out the recent post I wrote for Melissa’s blog by clicking here. Once you get to the blog, you will also have access to her wide range of recovery coaching information  as well!

Best to you and yours,

Coach Bev

To set up a complimentary coaching session with me, click here.

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Normally, when we think of a person making a change in their life, we think of the actual moment when they stop drinking, smoking, drugging, etc. But, there is so much more!  This post continues our discussions of  James Prochaska’s 6 Stages of Change that everyone goes through when considering a change in habit or behavior.

Stage 4: Action – Up until recently, most people just thought of Action as the change.

“Why don’t you just change?”

“Just do it!”

Even now,  people unfamiliar with the Stages of Change model, don’t realize all that must go into preparing for the actual action to take root and become the person’s new reality. Prochaska calls the Action stage “Time to Move”  and indeed it is!

At this stage, it is time to put all of the preparation into action. There may be some mourning as old friends must be let go of for a time and new types of activities and supports put into place. Depending on the nature of the change, help may be necessary to make this change last.

This stage can last for several months  as one adjusts to a new way of life. It’s amazing how much has to happen before the action takes place but now the time has come and if all of the thinking and preparing has been done in advance, the action step has a much greater chance of succeeding.

Of course, there is still much to do. Here is where the rubber meets the road: taking it all and putting it into practice, one day at a time. It is a time of great excitement and tremendous adjustments – exhilarating and excruciating at the same time. Denning calls this the “Just Do It” stage.

To learn more about how to reduce the harm from your or your loved one’s problem behaviors, join me for a call tomorrow evening when I will be interviewing Kenneth Anderson, author of How to Change Your Drinking: A Harm Reduction Guide to Alcohol and Director of the HAMS Network, an online support group for people working on managing their drug and alcohol usage in order to reduce the harmful consequences they may be currently experiencing. You can sign up at http://beverlybuncher.com/key-5-teleseminar-on-harm-reduction-little-steps-to-big-changes/

All the best,

Coach Bev

The Beverly Buncher Company

Facilitating Family Recovery

786 859 4050

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The 6 Stages of Change are the path that each of us must travel in order to change any habit or behavior that we want to shift or eliminate from our lives which were researched and developed by Dr. James Prochaska and chronicled in his book Changing for Good.  This month’s blog posts are devoted to helping readers better understand these stages in order to better cope with the transitions they and/or their addicted loved ones may be struggling with.

In previous posts this month, we looked at stage one, pre-contemplation, also known as the denial stage. This post looks at  stage two, contemplation, which occurs as awareness begins to dawn in the changer’s mind that something may really need to change.

This month, join us for an hour of lively discussion on Harm Reduction: Little Steps to Big Changes, when I interview Kenneth Anderson. Click here for more information and to register.

Stage Two: Contemplation – At this stage, which Prochaska nicknames “Change on the Horizon”,  you have begun to sometimes think you may have a problem. You are looking at your life, sometimes with the help of others who support your wellness or simply cannot stand watching you kill yourself any longer. And when you look, you think it might be time to think about doing something.

At this point, you don’t know what it is you want to do exactly. Nor do you have a plan or a change date. You are doing just what the name of the stage says: “contemplating”. You are still going back and forth between whether or not you have a problem and whether or not you should do anything about it if you do.

This stage is very important as it allows the changer to go over all of the pros and cons in their mind….Without help, this stage can go on for a very long time. With help, from a recovery coach, therapist or supportive friend or family member, the time can be lessened.

Prochaska has written his book for people to be able to help themselves quicken the process and also offers advice for those close to the changer as well. Contemplation comes to its conclusion when a decision has been made to change. Denning (author of Over the Influence: The Harm Reduction Guide to Managing Alcohol and Drugs) calls this stage the “yes, but” stage.

Would you like to explore an alternative to 12 step recovery for yourself or a loved one?

Although conventional treatments based on the 12 steps have helped millions of people, the NIAAA tells us that less than 20 % of people with Alcohol Dependence will recover via AA or a 12 step treatment program. Even though the majority of people with an addiction will eventually recover, there can be a tremendous amount of damage on the way. Harm reduction offers a means of engaging people in the recovery process who object to conventional treatment programs because of either the abstinence requirement or the spiritual component. Numerous studies have demonstrated the effectiveness of harm reduction interventions. Tonight our guest Kenneth Anderson will be sharing with us the alcohol harm reduction strategies which he has written about in his book ” How to Change Your Drinking: a Harm Reduction Guide to Alcohol” and which are used in the HAMS harm reduction support group.

Please note:As stated above, on Wednesday evening, October 20, 2011, at 7 PM ET, on my Free Loving Mirror Teleseminar,   I will be hosting Kenneth Anderson, MA, the author of the How to Change Your Drinking: a Harm Reduction Guide to Alcohol–a self-help manual for safer drinking, reduced drinking, or quitting alcohol altogether. The topic of the evening will be “Small Steps Lead to Big Changes.”

To learn more and register for this free one hour teleseminar, click here.

You won’t want to miss this show if you are interested in learning more about alternatives to 12 step recovery that you or your loved ones may be interested in pursuing. Ken will share his own story and we will discuss ways that family members

To register for this free one hour teleseminar, click here.

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 Key 5, The 6 Stages of Change,  can make all the difference in your understanding of what your loved one is facing as they struggle to free themselves from their addictive behaviors. The Stages of Change Model can also help YOU understand what it takes to move from your co-addictive behavior, to the detached, loving behavior that will free you from misery AND be most likely to have a positive impact on your loved one. The 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members are designed to provide family members of addicts  with a variety of strong recovery principles and models to help them face the challenges of  loving anyone struggling with addictive behaviors. This month, our focus is on Key 6: The 6 Stages of Change.

Ever try to break a habit? Not easy is it? And the 6  Stages of Change Model will help you understand why – and how –  to break through to success!

Perhaps you have counted on the 21 day idea to get you through – Namely, that if you practice a new behavior for 21 days, you will have momentum that will allow you to more easily move forward to breaking the habit for good. I like that idea and have used it to get me over the hump of difficult changes I am seeking.

But there is more to the picture. The 21 days start once you have begun taking action on your change. What about the days leading up to the very first day you stop an old habit or start a new one?

According to researcher James Prochaska, PhD, those pre-days are just as important, if not more so, than the first 21 days of the action steps. Prochaska’s research on how people change habitual behaviors has resulted in The 6 Stages of Change Model, which is taught in universities and to patients in substance abuse treatment centers all over the world.

If you want to change a behavior in your life, and according to Prochaska, each one of us is in the process of changing 3-4 things in our lives at any given time, you will want to become familiar with this model, as its stages and how you go through them could determine the difference between your success or failure this time around. Most changes take 3-4 spins through the stages to take hold, Prochaska says. But, by becoming familiar with the stages, a self-changer can improve their ability to handle each of the stages more effectively and perhaps reduce the number of retreads they will need to succeed.

Prochaska outlines the process in his book Changing for Good: A Revolutionary Six-Stage Program for Overcoming Bad Habits and Moving Your Life Forward (Harper Paperback, 2006).

If you would like to learn more about the Stages of Change model and reading the book is not on your immediate agenda, keep reading this month’s blog entries. We will look at the Stages of Change model, stage by stage, with tips on how to help yourself or a loved one move forward from stage to stage!

If you would like to begin with an immediate brief overview of the 6 Stages of Change model, click here and I will send you an article that briefly explains each stage for you.

In the meantime, have a Loving Day!

Best,

Coach Bev

www.beverlybuncher.com

786 859 4050

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post is the fourth in a month-long series on Key Four. This Key is known as the Four C’s: “You Didn’t Cause It, You Can’t Control It, You Can’t Cure It. BUT, You DON’T Have to Contribute To It.”

The ability to Be A Loving Mirror (BALM) takes motivation and understanding. Last month we learned about the three relationships (that with God, self, and others) and how to develop them to help you regain your peace and sanity. Next, There are four cornerstones to help you build the understanding you need to move forward through the four foundations to the goal of Being A Loving Mirror. The first cornerstone is the Four C’s. Learn the 4 C’s well. They will play a KEY role in allowing you to experience the sanity of family recovery. This post, BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO CONTRIBUTE TO IT is part four of a serialization of my chapter on the 4 C’s in my upcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity.

But You Don’t Have To Contribute To it

By now, perhaps you are feeling a combination of relief and hopelessness. I’ve told you it’s not your fault your addict uses (Whew! What a relief!) But I’ve also told you that you can’t control or cure the using no matter what you do (Oh no! So now what do I do?).

The way you may be feeling right now, is why I’ve never felt the three C’s are enough information to help family members in their recovery. Fortunately for me, when I first got into recovery I learned about the fourth C and it has made ALL the difference in my life and the life of my family. Once we understand that we didn’t cause it, we can’t control it, and we can’t cure it, it is time to look at our own behavior.

When family members first come in contact with a recovery coach , coaching group, treatment center or Alanon meeting, they can often be heard saying, “Why do I need help? I’m not the one with the problem?” My answer in response to that can be found in the 4 C’s, especially the fourth one: You don’t have to contribute to it!

Though we didn’t cause it, can’t control it and cannot cure it, there are things we can do that could either make the situation better or worse and it is our choice as to whether we want to contribute to our addict’s disease process or to their potential recovery.

By the end of this month of posts, you will know exactly what those things are! Meanwhile, as background to understand this, stay tuned to my next post, where we will begin to understand addiction, co-addiction, and recovery for both the addict and the co-addict.

If you are finding yourself unable to wait, click here for the full chapter (in an older edition) and lots of other 12 Keys handouts, recordings, and information.

–
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post is the third in a month-long series on Key Four, which is the first of the Four Cornerstones. This Key is known as the Four C’s: “You Didn’t Cause It, You Can’t Control It, You Can’t Cure It. BUT, You DON’T Have to Contribute To It.”

The ability to Be A Loving Mirror (BALM) takes motivation and understanding. Last month we learned about the three relationships (that with God, self, and others) and how to develop them to help you regain your peace and sanity. Next, There are four cornerstones to help you build the understanding you need to move forward through the four foundations to the goal of Being A Loving Mirror. The first cornerstone is the Four C’s. Learn the 4 C’s well. They will play a KEY role in allowing you to experience the sanity of family recovery. This post, YOU CAN’T CURE THEIR ADDICTION is part three of a serialization of my chapter on the 4 C’s in my upcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity.

You Can’t Cure Your Loved One’s Addiction

After awhile, a person trying to fight off a fire with a glass of water gives up, just as does a person trying to swim upstream. In the case of someone who loves an addict, trying often goes on long after hopelessness sets in. After all, there MUST be a cure for this. You knew this person before they got crazy, addicted, mean, etc. And you LOVE them. If anyone can solve this crisis, it is you.

And so, you start on a quest to solve the problem: to cure them of their addiction. Though well meant, these efforts are often misdirected. To help you understand how and why, it is important to understand the construct that guides the ideas in this book: the disease concept.

As the American Medical Association, SAMHSA (the Substance Abuse/Mental Health Services Administration) the National Institute of Drug Abuse (NIDA) and most other health and human services agencies and experts see it, addiction is a disease that, at this time in history, can be arrested but not cured. That being the case, you may want to accept that if the greatest medical minds cannot yet cure this disease, maybe you can’t either.

Here is a recent quote for you to ponder as well:
“After four years of work involving 80 experts, the American Society of Addiction Medicine is redefining addiction—to alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, and more—as a brain disorder, updating its former classification as a behavioral problem, reports Live Science. Addiction is also now considered a primary and chronic disorder, meaning it is not the result of stress, abuse, or other causes, and it needs to be treated over a patient’s lifetime, just as one would deal with a chronic disease like diabetes.

ASAM officials were swayed in part due to advancements in neuroscience over the last 20 years, which have shed light on the fact that the brain circuitry that regulates impulse control and judgment is altered in addicts’ brains. “We have to stop moralizing, blaming, controlling or smirking at the person with the disease of addiction,” said an addiction researcher. “The disease is about brains, not drugs.” ” www.newser.com

This new official categorization of addiction as being about the brain and not a moral issue, is crucial to our understanding of this C – which Alanon wrote so many years ago! YOU cannot cure it!

This disease is an inside job for the addict to work on. For some, that will mean finding a Higher Power of their understanding to heal and guide them. For others, recovery meetings will be the answer. For others still, in-patient or outpatient treatment.

For others, it may mean going through a process of trying to control their consumption or finding that they cannot handle even a drop of alcohol or drugs and reaching a bottom that makes it more painful to pick up their drug of choice than to not do so.

You can force circumstances sometimes, but you cannot force results. It’s a process of discovery they have to go through themselves. When family members try to cure their addicted loved ones, the family members often find themselves getting sick and making things worse for the addict.

What would it take for you to admit that you cannot cure this disease? That it is beyond your skills and capabilities to heal this person who you love so much? In the 12 step program Nar-Anon, the difficulty of this admission is reflected in the first step: “We admitted we were powerless over the addict, that our lives had become unmanageable.” After trying and trying, many family members report that eventually they found that curing their addict was a hopeless endeavor for them to pursue and that in fact, tearing themselves apart trying to stop the drinking or drugging often ended up:

• Destroying any semblance of a relationship they had left with the addict
• Giving the addict an excuse to blame them for his/her troubles
• Turned the family member into an obsessive person with no interest in anything other than fixing something that could not be fixed. As a result, the family member became boring, depressed, isolated, and alone.

In our next post we will continue this serialization of the 4 C’s chapter with the 4th C: But You Don’t Have to Contribute to It. Stay tuned!

Feeling impatient and want to read a first edition of the whole chapter on the 4 C’s? Click here and you will receive this article and other 12 Keys information, recordings, and handouts.

–
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”

Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post is the second in a month-long series on Key Four, which is the first of the Four Cornerstones. This Key is known as the Four C’s: “You Didn’t Cause It, You Can’t Control It, You Can’t Cure It. BUT, You DON’T Have to Contribute To It.”

The ability to Be A Loving Mirror takes motivation and understanding. There are four cornerstones to help you build the understanding you need to move forward through the four foundations to the goal of Being A Loving Mirror. The first cornerstone is the Four C’s. Learn the 4 C’s well. They will play a KEY role in allowing you to enter the sanity of family recovery. This post, YOU CAN’T CONTROL THEIR ADDICTION is part two of a serialization of my chapter on the 4 C’s in my upcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity.

You Can’t Control Your Loved One’s Addiction

Imagine a moving river. Its rapids are fast and strong. You are downstream and determined to move a mile back upstream. Your challenge: You have no boat. All you have are your two arms and two legs. And so, you decide that, with all the might you have, you will swim upstream.

An hour later, you have gone up about 12”.Two hours later, you are about 2 feet downstream from where you started. Your arms are strong and your will is powerful, but the rapids are stronger and more powerful and your arms are tiring. Before you know it, you are on the side of the river, panting and cursing at the winds.

Likewise, trying to control your addict’s addiction is a tiring, impossible task. No matter how hard you try, the addiction is stronger than you, cleverer, more manipulative. Its tentacles are wrapped around your loved one’s neck and no matter how hard you try, you lose.

Here are the facts:
As stated above, your addict is a separate person from you and his life is not yours to control. Sadly, in his addiction, his life is not his to control either, but that is another story for another day. This book is for you.

If the upstream metaphor doesn’t work for you, imagine trying to control the ocean tides, trying to change the size of the waves, or trying to turn darkness into light without a light bulb or fire. Only the sun can do these things. You are just not that powerful.

In fact, when it comes to controlling your loved one’s addiction, you might say (as the twelve steps of Alanon contend) that you are powerless. Your powers lie elsewhere (see the section on contribution to the addiction later in this chapter). Here are some things that happen when you simply ignore the fact that you can’t control the addiction and try anyway:

• The addict often rebels and gets worse just to spite you
• The addict blames you for his using the more you hassle, harass, and bug him to stop
• You get resentful, angry and filled with sadness
• Your life gets unmanageable and spins out of control
• Your own sense of separateness from the addict dissolves in an unhealthy way. In your mind, you become one with the addict – feeling his/her pain, embarrassment, shame, and YOUR life becomes unbearable.

In our next post we will continue this chapter with “You Can’t Cure It” – stay tuned!

Feeling impatient? To read an older version of the Four C’s in full, plus have access to other 12 Keys essentials click here.

–
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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Dear Coach Bev,
I’d like to start the 12 step program. What do I do?
Signed,
Silvia

Dear Silvia,
So glad you asked that question – especially today as we come to the end of our focus on Key 3: Developing Relationships with Others! I developed the 12 keys to provide my students, coachees, and readers with 12 recovery principles to help them move in the direction of Being a Loving Mirror. And, I started the 12 Keys with the three relationships (that which you have with God, self and others) as I believe these relationships are the key to inner peace.

Actually, I wrote the first three keys to sanity to emphasize the importance of developing these three relationships, which the 12 steps of recovery show you, in detail, how to put into practice. In fact, I see the 12 steps as a roadmap for developing all three relationships, for those who are ready to pick up the map and follow it. And the keys are designed as an introduction and/or enhancement to these powerful steps of recovery. You can use both sets of principles along the recovery path! They truly compliment each other. But back to the steps…

If you want to get involved with a 12 step program, first thing you want to do is figure out which one you are qualified for. In other words, what is your addiction? is it to a person? a drug? a drink? food? sex and love?

You can find a list of many of the 12 step programs along with their websites and phone numbers by clicking here. If you don’t find your program on this list, do an Internet search that describes the substance or behavior you are addicted to and if there is a 12 step program for that. For instance, if you are a messy person, look up Clutterers Anonymous on the Internet. If the issue is debt, look up Debtors Anonymous, etc.

Once you determine which program is the best one for you, contact that program and get a meeting list. Most list meetings on their website. There are in person meetings, phone meetings, online meetings, and video chat meetings.

In the Rooms (www.intherooms.com) offers lots of support for people in many of the 12 step programs, lists of meetings, recorded meetings to listen to, and online chat meetings. There are over 165,000 recovering people who belong to in the rooms. It is actually the largest social network for people in recovery in the world! So that could be a very good place to start.

So, let’s say you find your meeting and start going. Each time you are at the meeting, listen to the shares of the people there. When you hear someone share, whose life and message exemplify the way you would like to live your recovery, you can ask them to be your sponsor. It could take you awhile to find this person. In the meantime, you can just get to know people in the meetings, share phone numbers and make new recovery friends. You can even ask for someone to be your temporary sponsor, to help you get started until you find the sponsor you are looking for. Once you do find a sponsor, temporary or permanent, they will take you through the 12 steps, which are the heart of the 12 step programs. This is called “working the steps”.

In order to help you work the steps, there is lots of literature out there. You can find a lot of it ONLINE for FREE! For instance, the entire text of Alcoholics Anonymous (the original 12 step program) is online FOR FREE for you to download.Click here to see it. It’s called the Big Book of AA and it’s got tremendous wisdom as well as a step by step guide to working the steps that works for any program you are in. But it’s preferable to work the steps with a guide rather than on your own. There are many people out there to help you. Find one and get started!

Working the steps is a term you will hear a lot in the 12 step programs. Basically, it means, working with another person in recovery, called a sponsor, who will help you understand and work through the principles of the program that are contained in the steps. This usually involves a lot of discussion, writing, thinking, prayer and meditation. It is a powerful, life changing process that has the power to help you make a shift to a much more positive, life-affirming mindset. Don’t allow what I just wrote to put you off! You can do it at your own pace and in your own time. And, not everyone does it exactly. The thing is, working the steps is what brings about lasting recovery, which brings me to my next point…

Lots of people think the meetings are the program, or the slogans are the program (Keep coming back; one day at a time; first things first; THINK; etc.), or the literature is the program. To me, more than anything else, the steps are the program. The 12 steps are, to me, the distillation of all of the wisdom traditions of the world and of the ages. By the time I had entered the rooms 35 years ago, I had already begun studying various religions and could see that the steps were made up of the deepest core of that wisdom, the stuff that all of the various traditions have in common!

In 12 sentences, a person whose life is shattered in one or more areas, is offered the opportunity to do the following:
1. find out what they do and don’t have power over in their life
2. discover a Higher Power who can help them sanely deal with the things they’re powerless over
3.decide to surrender the things that matter to them to that Higher Power
4. take inventory of their own attitudes, words, feelings, thoughts and behaviors
5. share that honestly with another person
6. become willing to give up their character flaws
7. ask for spiritual help to get rid of those flaws
8. list the people they’ve harmed and become willing to make amends to them all
9. make amends unless doing so would hurt someone else.
Steps 10 to 12 are the steps that make the process a daily habit in that the newly recovered person proceeds to work at living honestly and spiritually one day at a time and helping others overcome their challenges.

This process of trusting God, cleaning house, and helping others, has, for over 50 years, been helping those affected by their own or someone else’s addiction, bringing sanity and serenity back into their previously tattered and torn lives.
.
Everytime someone enters a meeting and admits they cannot do it alone, they begin the journey of working the steps, of putting their life back in order and of, ultimately, helping another person to do the same. It’s a chain of love and kindness, passed along from one wounded person to another, healing both people’s wounds in the process of the work they do together.

If you think you could benefit from this work, what are you waiting for? Check out the list of different 12 step programs by clicking here, find the one that is right for you and get to a meeting!

You don’t have to be alone anymore and you don’t have to search for a secret to the happiness, joy and freedom you have been seeking! It’s been here all along in the 12 steps of recovery.

Enjoy the weekend Silvia and let me know how your first meeting goes!

Best,

Coach Bev

–
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post is the fifth in a month-long series on Developing Relationships with Others.

There’s a saying in the 12 step rooms: There are only three kinds of business: my business, your business and God’s business.

If it is something that I am responsible for, it’s my business.
If it is something that you are responsible for, it’s your business.
If it is something beyond either of our ability to fathom, let alone change, then it’s God’s business.

So, whose business are you minding?

Chances are, if you are living with someone who is struggling with addictive behaviors, from time to time you may feel tempted to take over their responsibilities and, in essence, mind their business.

But building healthy relationships with others requires that we allow others to live their lives as they see fit. It is a right each person has, to choose how they are going to live their life and then do it.

But you may say, my loved one is killing himself. Isn’t it my job to fix things? to make them better? to help them handle life when they’re high or drunk? to make sure they get clean and sober?

By now you know my answer, a resounding “NO.” It’s not your job. There are some things you can do to make things better, but taking over a loved one’s responsibilities and trying to fix their life are NOT among them.

Fact is, if you are like most of us, you have your hands full just minding YOUR business…making sure you take care of your self, your growing (not adult) children, your home and job responsibilities, your financial obligations, etc.

Yet, when an active addict appears on the scene, many of us drop all that we ARE responsible for and take on the responsibilities and life choices of the addicts we love…

This key, Developing Relationships with Others, is about building appropriate relationships, based on the solid foundation of a strong personal relationship with a Higher Power (Key #1) and a strong positive relationship with oneself (Key#2). Once we are solid in keys 1 and 2, we are better able to allow others the right to handle their own affairs.

So what can we do to help?

By keeping the focus on ourselves, our recovery, our lives, we are bringing a strong, serene presence to our relationships that not only serves as a role model but also helps us be much more able to Be A Loving Mirror with our loved ones. If you’ve been reading this blog, you know that being a loving mirror is one of the most powerful ways for you to impact your loved one’s life.

And, if you attended or received the recording of my interview with Interventionist Ken Pomerance yesterday (click here to get your copy NOW), then you also know that Being a Loving Mirror on a regular basis is the perfect way to give your loved one the honest, authentic feedback that will hopefully get through to them so a full-scale intervention will not be necessary. On the other hand, by learning Loving Mirror skills, you are preparing yourself, should you need to take the step of a formal Intervention, for exactly the type of loving truth-telling necessary in that situation as well.

Building Relationships with Others is challenging, especially when those others struggle with addictive behaviors. But there are tools that will help! Minding your own business is one of the most powerful. Next time you are tempted to do something for someone else, ask yourself “Whose business is it?” and if it’s not your business, focus back on your life, on your business, and let it alone!

Put your focus on what you CAN do: Run YOUR life and BE A LOVING MIRROR to your addicted loved ones!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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The trauma of having a child, friend or relative using substances without regard to their health or safety, or that of anyone else, is one of life’s most difficult challenges. What tools do you find most effective in helping you regain your sanity when you see someone you love doing things that you know could harm themselves or others and there is nothing you can do to stop them?

When it comes to relating to those we love, especially but not exclusively those who use drugs, alcohol, or other addictive substances or behaviors, it is important to have a toolbox of spiritual, mental, and physical techniques available to you so that you do not fall apart because of their issues.

Here are a few that I and my clients have found helpful as we walk our path. See if any of them work for you:

1. Consciously breathe. The breath is one of the greatest tools we have to bring our minds back to calm when fearful thoughts threaten to take over. Notice I said fearful THOUGHTS, not fearful BEHAVIORS OF OTHERS. It is not others’ behaviors that destroy our peace of mind, but how we think about those behaviors. Breathing slowly, calmly and deeply, can help us stay fully present to whatever situation is facing us and allow us to focus on our next best step, rather than on the racing thoughts of fear and of possible tragic outcomes that tend to rush through our minds when faced with our loved one’s behaviors.

2. Become aware of yourself exactly in relation to exactly where you are RIGHT NOW. You see your loved one in an intoxicated state. Or they are telling you a story or problem with potentially dire consequences. You have started to use tool one, Consciously Breathe, but still you feel your thoughts racing. Now, as you continue to breathe, take a look around. Become aware of the wallpaper, the ceiling fan, the diningroom chair fabric. Allow your eyes to embrace your environment and see the detail and beauty in a new way. You get the picture. Take your focus off of your fear and put it right where you are. Allow yourself to see the world around you in THIS moment in order to further relax calm yourself.

3. Become aware of yourself in your environment If you are outside, feel the sun on your skin and the grass under your toes. If you are in a chair, feel your body touching the chair and your feet touching the floor. If your arms are crossed. feel your fingers touching your arms. Keep breathing of course and just focus on yourself, in your environment, breathing.

These three tools, of breathing, focusing on the present moment environment, and focusing on yourself IN the environment, all have tremendous power to bring you back to the present momen,t regardless of the news you are hearing about what just happened to your loved one or the thoughts your mind is playing about what could happen. This isn’t about going off into la-la land. It is about becoming able to hear what people are telling us without going into full battle mode, which after awhile, can create an inner trauma loop in our minds that keeps us from relating effectively to our loved ones.

Being related to someone who is often doing dangerous things, can create trauma in us. However, if we begin to ground ourselves in our own body, in our own breath, in our own environment, in the moment, we will begin to be able to physically experience the ability to detach with love. We will have a sense of inner calm that will allow us to respond in a manner appropriate to the situation, without all of the intense mental thought clutter we used to have that is grounded less in reality than in fear and panic.

To relate to others in the moment, with lovingkindness and effectiveness, to Be that Loving Mirror (TM), it is crucial to develop our own ability to feel a sense of calm underlying all that we think, do, and say. Not easy, but simple. With daily practice, you will own these tools and BE there for others in ways you had previously not thought possible. MORE importantly, you will be there for yourself, as the inner calm will minimize the wear and tear on your body and mind that stress often brings.

Practice these three things even when not hearing bad news. Practice BEING in the moment on a regular basis and the skill will be there for you when you need it.

Let me know how it is going for you!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

Continue Reading