12 Step Family

Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post is the fourth in a month-long series on Key Four. This Key is known as the Four C’s: “You Didn’t Cause It, You Can’t Control It, You Can’t Cure It. BUT, You DON’T Have to Contribute To It.”

The ability to Be A Loving Mirror (BALM) takes motivation and understanding. Last month we learned about the three relationships (that with God, self, and others) and how to develop them to help you regain your peace and sanity. Next, There are four cornerstones to help you build the understanding you need to move forward through the four foundations to the goal of Being A Loving Mirror. The first cornerstone is the Four C’s. Learn the 4 C’s well. They will play a KEY role in allowing you to experience the sanity of family recovery. This post, BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO CONTRIBUTE TO IT is part four of a serialization of my chapter on the 4 C’s in my upcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity.

But You Don’t Have To Contribute To it

By now, perhaps you are feeling a combination of relief and hopelessness. I’ve told you it’s not your fault your addict uses (Whew! What a relief!) But I’ve also told you that you can’t control or cure the using no matter what you do (Oh no! So now what do I do?).

The way you may be feeling right now, is why I’ve never felt the three C’s are enough information to help family members in their recovery. Fortunately for me, when I first got into recovery I learned about the fourth C and it has made ALL the difference in my life and the life of my family. Once we understand that we didn’t cause it, we can’t control it, and we can’t cure it, it is time to look at our own behavior.

When family members first come in contact with a recovery coach , coaching group, treatment center or Alanon meeting, they can often be heard saying, “Why do I need help? I’m not the one with the problem?” My answer in response to that can be found in the 4 C’s, especially the fourth one: You don’t have to contribute to it!

Though we didn’t cause it, can’t control it and cannot cure it, there are things we can do that could either make the situation better or worse and it is our choice as to whether we want to contribute to our addict’s disease process or to their potential recovery.

By the end of this month of posts, you will know exactly what those things are! Meanwhile, as background to understand this, stay tuned to my next post, where we will begin to understand addiction, co-addiction, and recovery for both the addict and the co-addict.

If you are finding yourself unable to wait, click here for the full chapter (in an older edition) and lots of other 12 Keys handouts, recordings, and information.

–
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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The trauma of having a child, friend or relative using substances without regard to their health or safety, or that of anyone else, is one of life’s most difficult challenges. What tools do you find most effective in helping you regain your sanity when you see someone you love doing things that you know could harm themselves or others and there is nothing you can do to stop them?

When it comes to relating to those we love, especially but not exclusively those who use drugs, alcohol, or other addictive substances or behaviors, it is important to have a toolbox of spiritual, mental, and physical techniques available to you so that you do not fall apart because of their issues.

Here are a few that I and my clients have found helpful as we walk our path. See if any of them work for you:

1. Consciously breathe. The breath is one of the greatest tools we have to bring our minds back to calm when fearful thoughts threaten to take over. Notice I said fearful THOUGHTS, not fearful BEHAVIORS OF OTHERS. It is not others’ behaviors that destroy our peace of mind, but how we think about those behaviors. Breathing slowly, calmly and deeply, can help us stay fully present to whatever situation is facing us and allow us to focus on our next best step, rather than on the racing thoughts of fear and of possible tragic outcomes that tend to rush through our minds when faced with our loved one’s behaviors.

2. Become aware of yourself exactly in relation to exactly where you are RIGHT NOW. You see your loved one in an intoxicated state. Or they are telling you a story or problem with potentially dire consequences. You have started to use tool one, Consciously Breathe, but still you feel your thoughts racing. Now, as you continue to breathe, take a look around. Become aware of the wallpaper, the ceiling fan, the diningroom chair fabric. Allow your eyes to embrace your environment and see the detail and beauty in a new way. You get the picture. Take your focus off of your fear and put it right where you are. Allow yourself to see the world around you in THIS moment in order to further relax calm yourself.

3. Become aware of yourself in your environment If you are outside, feel the sun on your skin and the grass under your toes. If you are in a chair, feel your body touching the chair and your feet touching the floor. If your arms are crossed. feel your fingers touching your arms. Keep breathing of course and just focus on yourself, in your environment, breathing.

These three tools, of breathing, focusing on the present moment environment, and focusing on yourself IN the environment, all have tremendous power to bring you back to the present momen,t regardless of the news you are hearing about what just happened to your loved one or the thoughts your mind is playing about what could happen. This isn’t about going off into la-la land. It is about becoming able to hear what people are telling us without going into full battle mode, which after awhile, can create an inner trauma loop in our minds that keeps us from relating effectively to our loved ones.

Being related to someone who is often doing dangerous things, can create trauma in us. However, if we begin to ground ourselves in our own body, in our own breath, in our own environment, in the moment, we will begin to be able to physically experience the ability to detach with love. We will have a sense of inner calm that will allow us to respond in a manner appropriate to the situation, without all of the intense mental thought clutter we used to have that is grounded less in reality than in fear and panic.

To relate to others in the moment, with lovingkindness and effectiveness, to Be that Loving Mirror (TM), it is crucial to develop our own ability to feel a sense of calm underlying all that we think, do, and say. Not easy, but simple. With daily practice, you will own these tools and BE there for others in ways you had previously not thought possible. MORE importantly, you will be there for yourself, as the inner calm will minimize the wear and tear on your body and mind that stress often brings.

Practice these three things even when not hearing bad news. Practice BEING in the moment on a regular basis and the skill will be there for you when you need it.

Let me know how it is going for you!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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Expectations of others don’t work. They get us in trouble and make us miserable. Often, the others we are expecting to act in a specific way don’t do what we expect them to do and then we feel let down and disappointed. Those feelings often translate into our treating them in a dismissive or disgruntled way which wounds the relationship even further.

So, what does that mean? Shouldn’t we be able to have standards of how others we associate with act and treat us? Isn’t it my right to expect that others will behave in ways that I can live with?

Well, it depends on what you want from the situation. If you are just getting to know someone and are considering them as a life partner, best friend, or business partner, knowing what you want from the relationship and being aware of whether the person fits the bill can be very important in helping you determine whether to go on with the relationship or not.

Or, if you are making a decision as to whether to continue with a relationship that has been on the decline and you are aware that certain things about the person are not things you can live with and you want out, using discernment as to whether or not you choose to live with those things anymore can be very helpful as well.

But, if you are in a relationship for the long haul either as a spouse, a parent, a child or a friend, and you find yourself, over and over again, expecting the person you love to live their life the way you think they should live it, and they have a different idea or simply cannot comply, it may be time to ask yourself if that expectation is really serving you or the relationship. Here’s an example:

Let’s say, you have an expectation that your loved one come home for dinner each evening by 6 PM. It’s a ‘reasonable’ expectation, don’t you think? But somehow, they never make it. Sometimes they come at 6:30, sometimes at 7, sometimes at 9 and sometimes not at all…You’ve tried everything. You’ve yelled, screamed, given them the silent treatment and calmly told them that this is not acceptable. Yet, the behavior continues.

Inside, you are so angry, you are boiling.

This family member is ruining the dinner hour for you and everyone else. They are a bad example for the rest of the family members and after you get through postponing and seething through the hour or two or three of waiting for them each evening, the rest of the family is, quite frankly, starved, angry and frustrated as well – as much with you as with your loved one.

So, what do you do? Well, just to mix things up, what if you simply let go of the expectation that they come home at all. Accept that they may or may not come home for dinner, and put your focus on making a delicious dinner (if that is your job) for the rest of the family members. You may decide to set a place for them or not. If not and they show up, they can set one when they get there. If so, and they don’t, you can either leave theirs out for when they do come (if there is any food left) OR put their place setting away and let them completely fend for themselves when they get home.

If it feels unmanageable, unfair, untenable to do this, to let them get away with this without letting them know how awful it is, I have a surprise for you: They are already getting away with it already. As for your histrionic and/or seething reactions to their behavior, your loved one is probably immune to it…After awhile, nagging behavior becomes invisible or is simply used as an excuse to use more, drink more and stay out later.

In AA, they talk about dropping the rock. The rock can be anything that is holding us back from being our best and enjoying the potentially wonderful life that recovery offers us. By dropping the rock of expectation from your relationships with others, you can enjoy them when they are around just as they are, without always insisting they be who you want them to be.

It’ll allow you and your other family members to enjoy mealtime again, it will potentially improve your relationship with your loved one and, interestingly enough, it may give them less of a reason to stay away…

When one person in a relationship changes their behavior, the dynamics of the relationship must change.

Of course, changing your own attitudes, actions and reactions is challenging. That’s what the 12 Keys will do. By working to become a Loving Mirror in your loved one’s life, you WILL improve the quality of YOUR life and hopefully, theirs as well!

It’d be great to have you in our upcoming Loving Mirror Coaching group! There you will find partners in growth to insure your path and a coach to help you shine a light on your own inner wisdom! Learn more at www.beverlybuncher.com/loving mirror/.

See you there!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”

Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post will is the first in a month-long series that will post on Developing Relationships with Others.

Recently I received this post from a reader:

Dear Bev, after being married to an alchoholic for 20 years, I got divorced, I met a wonderful man I was dating for almost 5 years. We only saw each other on the weekends. As we became closer it became clear he is also an alchoholic and partier & to top it off his 2 adult children are drug users. I am devistated. I feel duped and stupid. How did I miss the signs this time? – Feeling betrayed…

Dear Betrayed,

First of all, thank you so much for your note and question. Your willingness to put out there the exact dilemma that so many ex-spouses of alcoholics/addicts face will help many others better understand the seeming insanity of what has happened to you.

Many people who marry an active addict the first time around often find an equally dysfunctional person the second time around (and in some cases the 3rd, 4th, and 5th time as well…).

So, what is that about and what does this have to do with the 3rd Key to Sanity: Developing Loving Relationships with Others?

Everyday of our lives, we are bombarded with images of what the ideal mate looks like, talks like, acts like. We see, on television and in the movies, people with perfect bodies, perfect jobs, perfect smiles, and lots and lots of money and we see what they have as what we really want, but yet, the only place we see life playing out like that is on fictionalized shows and in movies. We may go to church, temple, mosque or synagogue and get a different perspective on what good and perfect mean and begin to develop ideals that compete with those of the media and culture around us.

Then, deep inside of us are the tapes we’ve been playing since our childhood of what we are worth, who we deserve, what we can get in life and what kind of life we will live. If our parents were dysfunctional in anyway and/or if they abused us emotionally or physically, we carry those tapes of being less than. If we were sexually abused by anyone, in our family or outside of our family, we carry those tapes of shame and unworthiness.

When we look for a mate initially, we carry all of these competing views of ourselves and others along for the search. Unless we have developed a very strong relationship with a Higher Power along with a very healthy, sense of self and a relationship with ourselves that consciously and subconsciously knows what is best for us and will accept nothing less than that, chances are, our choices may have been less than ideal. Then, once we have a marriage, we begin to think of ourselves in certain ways and to see our lives in certain ways based on what we experience in relation to our mate. And if that mate is an active alcoholic/addict, we may feel extremely isolated, confused, lonely, and afraid. How did this person who we loved so much turn into such a_________________ (you fill in the blank- monster, meanie,etc.)

So, there we are in a marriage with another person who at first appeared to be very much in sync with who/what we wanted in life, but now, as we look deeper, has lots of issues that we have no idea how to cope with. Being stuck like that, many of us put the dysfunctional coping mechanisms we learned at home into place. We cry, sulk, scream and yell to get them to behave better toward us. When these don’t work, we ignore, get bitter, put our interests and energy elsewhere, and, if we don’t have the means or guts to GET OUT, or if our religious beliefs encourage us to stick it out NO MATTER WHAT, we ENDURE.

Perhaps you can relate to that scenario. Your story may be quite different. If possible, find a piece of it that works for you and stay with me here.

So, after awhile, six months, six years, 12 years, 20 years, 35 years later, you change your mind. You are done enduring and decide to get the heck out of this unendurable marriage and start over. So you do. Maybe your spouse did the unspeakable: cheated on you, and that was your breaking point. Or maybe after the 16th time they cheated on you, you realized this was not going to get better and you left. Or maybe they left you for the other woman/man. Anyway, you get the picture. The marriage is OVER, done, finished.

You are out on your own, finally out from under the thumb of this person who “made you so miserable.”

Now what?

For many who find themselves in this position, it’s lonely! Even though the marriage was lonely, someone was at least THERE. There was a warm body on the other side of the bed or in the next room and not everything about the marriage was bad, etc., etc., …Of course, not everyone is that upset. The freedom can be intoxicating! the chance to meet others and have a good time is grand.

But now what?

All of the above is written to set the scenario for meeting partner #2. After whatever amount of time you have taken to ‘get over’ the last one, you begin to look for your next mate. Perhaps you hardly have to look at all and they find you…or perhaps you spend years looking. Either way, the hunt is on.

Finally, you meet. Certain that this time will be different, you find someone who is not an alcoholic, not an addict, not a…the list goes on. Or so you think. So you get together to live happily ever after. Sometimes the honeymoon lasts weeks, sometimes years. But eventually, it comes out: They may not be an alcoholic, but they may instead take pills or have a sex addiction or a gambling addiction. And there you are again in your own new version of the same Hell you endured the last time around…or maybe something even worse…

What went wrong?

The reason Key 3: Developing Relationships with Other People comes 3rd and not 1st, is that without good strong inner work on ourselves, our relationships with others will often come up short. What I’m saying here is that the relationships we have with others are much more about us than about them! and the kinds of people we choose to have in our lives are also much more about us than about them!

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that life with an alcoholic or addict is easy. I’m not saying that if you aren’t yet married and you find that your partner is deeply troubled (sex addict, drug addict, gambler, alcoholic, etc.) you shouldn’t run as fast and as far as you can.

What I am saying is that when you look at who you are involved with, who your friends are or aren’t (if you don’t have any), or who you choose to end up with as a partner, the most important person in the relationship vis-a-vis these choices can be found right in your own mirror.

So, what does this all mean?

As shared at the beginning of this post, all kinds of outside input from society, school, friends, and parents, contribute to how we see ourselves and what we think we are worthy of in life. When we really want the perfect mate, but on some level feel we aren’t worthy of him or her, the feelings will often win out. Getting our insides congruent with our outsides, our feelings congruent with our desires, is one piece of the puzzle of finding the right person. Jerry and Esther Hicks write about this in all of their books about the Law of Attraction.

Another key to becoming congruent on the level of feeling, is to do the deeper work of healing the sorrow of a less than perfect childhood and unhappy1st marriage. This can be approached through therapy, 12 step work, parts work, voice dialogue, and/or other emotional healing modalities.

Life choices happen on so many levels, many of which are below the surface of our conscious awareness. Once we are in a difficult situation, it can be much more difficult and complicated to get out of it than it was to get into it in the first place.

For those who are not yet involved in a first or second dysfunctional relationship, yet have a history of family dysfunction behind them, the best advice is to do the inner work first. I remember being given that advice and feeling too anxious to get my life moving toward the future, marriage, kids, etc… Maybe you remember that feeling too?

But wherever you are planted, it is never too late to begin the inner work of healing. The 12 Keys of Sanity which culminate in Key 12 “Being a Loving Mirror” provide a series of recovery principles designed to help you see yourself as the person you need to change in your life in order to make your life better! This may be a harsh pill to swallow, but it is true.

For some, these principles alone provide a good foundation. For others, the support of others is crucial…This can come in the form of a recovery coach to help you move in the direction of your dreams while looking honestly at what is going on in your present life that you may want/need to look at in order to get there!
For others, who have experienced severe trauma or distress, the help of a coach can be supplemented by that of a therapist.

Many find help in a group setting. There are Alanon and Naranon meetings all over the country and all over the world. Once you start going, get a sponsor and begin the 12 steps of recovery, where tremendous healing can be found. I work the steps daily and have found tremendous strength and healing in them. But for me and many others, more help was needed.

To add to your recovery by combining the help of a group with that of a coach, feel free to join a Loving Mirror Coaching Group. For 12 weeks, you will gain the insights and professional guidance of a Family Recovery Coach, along with the support of a group of others who have decided to take the lead in their lives in learning how to improve their relationship with themselves and the others in their lives. It’s an inexpensive way to have both a coach and a support group, all in one and the meetings are as close as your phone! A new group starts tomorrow, Wednesday, 8-3-11 at 8 PM ET. To learn more, click here.

So, dear reader, there you are with your boyfriend of five years who turns out to be a drinker, a partier and the parent of 2 adult drug addicts. Only you can decide if you have hit the jackpot in a negative or positive way. Only you can decide if your best bet is to cut your losses and GET OUT or to stick around and play the song again.

If you decide to stay, if you do the INNER work, this time CAN be different. That may mean he will decide to get well due to your example OR it may mean your interests will become so blatantly dissimilar, that one or both of you may leave the relationship.

If you decide to leave, AND are willing to let go of relationships for awhile while you do the INNER work, next time CAN be different!

If you simply keep blaming this whole repeat performance on the OTHERS, chances are, you WILL keep bringing dysfunctional people into your life – to repeat the performance again and again….and only once you realize that the only constant in the play of dysfunctional people in and out of your life is YOU, will you start to decide it is time to begin an inner journey of your own.

By building a relationship with yourself first, your chance at building a great relationship with others will be greatly enhanced.

If I can be of further help to you on your journey, give me a call and we can set up a time to talk further.

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post will focus on Key #2: Developing a Relationship with Yourself.

Everyday there is someone you wake up with, go to sleep with, eat with, watch TV with, pray with, talk to, listen to and live with 24/7. You were born together, you will die together and when your relationship is a good one, your life is oh so much more pleasant and easy to handle. But when you hate that someone, you live in constant turmoil.

That someone, if you haven’t already guessed, is yourself.

When the book How to Be Your Own Best Friend first came out in the 70′s, many people laughed. 30 years later, the importance of having a healthy relationship with yourself is well known. Yet, so many of us still battle those inner bad feelings toward ourselves, also known as “Low Self-Esteem”.

Key #2 is dedicated to this important relationship because of the important place this relationship plays in life. If you can’t stand yourself, chances are you don’t much like other people. By the same token, if you find yourself disliking other people, chances are, you don’t much like yourself. Likewise, if you are critical of others, you are probably really hard on yourself and visa-versa.

It’s impossible to escape the consequences of self-disdain and challenging to heal from such negative feelings toward oneself. But, hardly impossible.

To see where you are in this crucial relationship, ask yourself the following questions:

1. When you have nothing to do on a rainy Saturday, and no one you know is available to hang out with you, how do you feel about spending the day alone just relaxing in your own company, no TV, no distractions, just you, yourself, and you?

2. When you make a mistake at work or in front of others, do you feel humiliated and hold on to those feelings, continuing to relive them in your mind, or do you feel you have just had a learning experience and maybe even find yourself using it as an opportunity to enjoy a good laugh at your own imperfections?

3. When someone else isn’t perfect, do you jump on them for their mistakes? Do you, in other words, find the need to “get well on others” (feel better about yourself by making others feel bad about themselves)?

If you have a difficult time spending time by yourself without distractions, it may be you could use some work on that relationship with yourself. If you feel overwhelmingly embarrassed when you make mistakes in front of others, it may mean you could benefit from some work on your relationship with yourself. If you can’t stand imperfection in others and feel compelled to point out their mistakes and maybe even make fun of their gaffs, it may be that you are very critical of yourself, always requiring a level of perfection that you can never quite live up to.

This month, we will look at the relationship with self and talk about some ways to build that relationship, heal the inner rifts that may be holding you back from being your best self, and additional tips on how to improve the quality of that most basic of relationships: the relationship you have with yourself.

Until then,

Be Loving to YOURSELF!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the Twelve Keys to Sanity for Family Members of Addicts

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

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When a lunar eclipse visits once every four hundred years or so on the same night as the winter solstice as it is this week, people take notice. This singular event in our lifetime gets news time for days. Granted, not everyone stays up to see it. But plenty of people do, and as for the rest of us, there it is for us to enjoy on TV.

So what is it about things that rarely happen that makes us pay attention and what can we learn about this to help us with our relationships with our addicted loved ones?

The everyday is just that; it’s well, everyday. But when something new happens, it takes us by surprise, fills us with awe and wonder, takes us out of our day to day malaise and into a whole new universe of possibilities.

Likewise, when a co-addict decides to change the rules a bit, to no longer yell back but to act as a mirror to the addict’s sick behavior; to no longer take abuse as if it is an okay way to behave but to set boundaries in order to treat oneself with dignity and respect; to begin to treat the addict with dignity and respect even when it feels unnatural to do so; to get to daily Alanon or Nar-Anon meetings in order to increase the amount of positive thought potential in one’s life – when these things begin to happen, they give pause to the addict. Something is different. The game has changed. One dance is over and a new one has begun.

Changing the way we act and react in relation to our addicted loved ones can have the effect of helping them to look inward rather than outward; to see themselves as having a role in their own demise as opposed to seeing their family members as the ones at fault.

But even if acting differently has no immediate effect on our unhealthy loved ones, these new ways of being change us, give us a new beginning.

The gift of recovery lies not only in the element of surprise that it bestows upon all who see only the fully developed flower…

When things are toughest, taking a moment to practice a recovery principle can make a teeny tiny difference that will one day blossom into a beautiful way of life once only dreamed of. As McBride wrote in her song The Rose:
“When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been to long,
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong,
just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed that with the sun’s love
in the spring becomes the rose. ”
(Written by Amanda McBroom
Sung by Bette Midler)

On this coldest of winters, if things are so very challenging in your family, I invite you to take any one of the four foundations of family recovery and practice it in your life. And then introduce another and then another and before you know it, you will enjoy the springtime in a new and beautiful way that you never imagined could ever have been yours to enjoy.

Start with Self Care – Put yourself first today. Take a bubble bath. Make a doctor’s appointment you have been putting off. Go to the dentist. Meditate on all that you have to be grateful for.

Then add being a loving person – Treat your addict with dignity even if he swaggers into your livingroom and passes out. Allow her to experience the consequences of her behavior without rescuing her. Mirror what you see without judgement or disrespect.

Set a boundary - Allow yourself to live in a smoke-free house. Protect your car from drunk drivers by not sharing your keys. Keep your credit cards to yourself. Not to control others, but because these acts define the way YOU want to live.

Make sure YOU are getting enough support to live your life fully grounded in recovery: Get to 90 meetings in 90 days so you can hear recovery talk everyday for 90 days. Hire a recovery coach. Work the 12 steps. Join Smart Recovery for family members.

Be like the lunar eclipse. Show up different for once. Only unlike the lunar eclipse, don’t disappear again for 70 years, keep building on your surprise. In the long run you will be pleasantly surprised at the results!Any or all of these will increase your resolve to live a stronger recovery-based life. Start with any of them and you are planting a seed in the winter of your life “that with the sun’s love
in the spring becomes the rose.”

Happy Holidays everyone!

Much Love,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC, LTPC
Family Recovery Coach
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
786 859 4050

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Congratulations! You made it through Thanksgiving!

Hopefully you had a wonderful time with family and friends. If an acting out addict or other dysfunctional loved one made things difficult, you still survived and hopefully everyone else did too!

So, where do you go from here?

If you have been following this blog this year and particularly this series for the past two weeks, you have most likely begun to pay more attention to your own self care, being a loving person and setting healthy boundaries. Or at least you have begun to think about doing so.

If you are finding the long haul of maintaining these new habits of mind challenging, foundations four will make your life so much easier!

This foundation, getting support, is all about adding people, places and things to your life that will help you continue to take better care of yourself, become more loving and set better boundaries, all with less stress and discomfort.

The type of support you may need is entirely individual, yet, there are some tried and true methods of getting help when you are struggling with the addiction of a loves one. These include: Alanon, Nar-anon, Gamanon, S-anon, recovery coaching, the Four Foundations of Family Recovery courses, and therapy. Each of these has its up and down sides and each has the potential to increase the peace within you immeasurably.

For a free report on the many types of support for family members, along with contact information, send me an email at recoverycoachbev@theempowermentcoach.net . When you do so, I’ll also send you my free e-book How Can I Get Them Sober? A Guide for Families and Friends of Alcoholics and Addicts and add you to my newsletter so these blog posts will come directly to your email!

All the best,

Coach Bev
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC, LTPC
Family Recovery Coach
www.theempowermentcoach.net/4-foundations-of-recovery.html
786 859 4050

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With only a couple of days until Thanksgiving, tensions may be running high. It’s not that you’re trying to be difficult, but you know that if alcohol is available your loved one will drink or be mightily tempted to and, that could mean discomfort at the least, or disaster at most…And you really have no idea how it will play out.

So, how do you protect yourself, your own wellbeing, your own property, children, reputation, etc.?

This is where foundation three, Setting Boundaries, comes in. If you have been reading this blog for the past two weeks, you know we have already discussed Self Care and Being a Loving Person. (IF you haven’t, just check the last couple of blog entries below)

This week, we begin by looking at Setting Boundaries. If you are thinking you can’t control the addict or alcoholic, so why even consider setting boundaries, think again. After all, healthy boundary setting is NOT about making the alcoholic or addict change. It’s about letting those around you know what you will or will not tolerate in your space or in your company or on your time.

In other words, you set boundaries as another form of self care. You decide what you will or will not tolerate in your life for your own wellbeing and then you inform those around you of your boundaries and then you go about living the boundaries that you have set.

For instance, you can’t make someone stop smoking. However, you can stop having ashtrays in your home and you can let your family members and guests know that you do not allow smoking in your house. Similarly, if you are throwing a party or holiday dinner, you are allowed to make it alcohol free if that is your preference, just as you can have an alcohol free home or a marijuana free home.

This is not to say that you will not face opposition. This is where the rubber meets the road. Boundary setting is not for the faint of heart and is usually something people do when they have reached their limit of being tread upon, abused, taken advantage of or disrespected. It can also be something people do when they have allergies to smoke or alcohol themselves. But, what if you simply don’t want cigarette smoke in your house and you have a loved one who smokes and insists on smoking in the house?

Setting boundaries means lovingly taking care of yourself by letting them know your limits. It’s important to think through potential outcomes. The other person may leave, may say too bad, may be unwilling to comply. In that case what will you do?

Setting boundaries is one of the ways we find out how far we have come in recovery. For many family members of addicts, it is one of those things we do and then give in on a lot in the beginning. In time, as we get more support from our recovery coach and/or support group meetings, we take better care of ourselves, behave more lovingly and begin to have the courage to stick up for what is important to us through boundary setting.

Boundary setting is not making idle threats. It’s about carefully thinking through our limits and simply and lovingly standing up for our rights as human beings. Sometimes we find a boundary we have set is less important than the person who will be affected and might leave our life if we set it. Other times we find the boundary to be more important than the person staying or leaving. The decision of which is more important, becomes more healthfully clear when we are more healthy and clear in our recovery.

Which leads us to our next topic (in the next issue) on getting support. Be sure to stay tuned so you can learn more about this important family recovery topic.

To find out more about where you are in YOUR boundary setting, send for a free copy of my boundary setting questionaire. You can do so by emailing me at recoverycoachbev@theempowermentcoach.net .

I’ll be happy to send it to you along with the self care, loving person and fix it surveys mentioned in previous blog entries. And to make this holiday season easier on you, sign up for a complimentary coaching consult. You get to choose the topic of the session because coaching is all about you! your goals, your plans, your dreams!

Happy Thanksgiving! See you next time.

Warmly,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC
Family Recovery Coach
author of the forthcoming book: The Four Foundations of Family Recovery: Simple Ideas to Transform Chaos to Sanity
www.theempowermentcoach.net/4-foundations-of-recovery.html
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

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Wow! The year went fast. Here we are at Thanksgiving again with Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa and New Year’s eve right around the corner! Happy times and yet ones that can be so difficult for families plagued by addiction.

So, how will it be this year for you? If you have active addiction in your home, how will you handle the activities of the addict(s)? Their presence or non-presence during the festivities? The odd things they may say or do?

Will you be part of the problem or part of the solution this year? Honestly, that is entirely up to you.

Though not easy to implement, recovery principles are simple. By starting today to implement the four foundations in your life, you can prepare for the holidays in a way that will increase your holiday cheer much more than any presents you buy or food you prepare.

Let’s see how. This four part series will look at all of the four foundations of family recovery: self care, being a loving person, setting boundaries and getting support. Today, let’s look at Self Care:

Holidays are notorious for taking a lot of energy to prepare for. As a person addicted to an addict, you may already have issues with letting yourself go in the service of others.

What if…this year you decide to put your self care first in the middle of everything? How would this look for you?
Would you exercise regularly?
Get more sleep than usual?
Schedule time for Alanon or Naranon meetings that you will attend NO MATTER WHAT?

What’s missing in your self care now? How about considering adding it as a pre-holiday gift to yourself? There are so many kinds of self care to choose from! Send me an email and I’ll send you a self-care self-assessment for you to see how you are doing on your self-care. That could help you choose which aspects you want to gift yourself with this year!

You may be rolling your eyes, but if you take care of yourself, you will be better able to handle WHATEVER comes your way! Don’t you deserve to have a happy holiday season? Start getting ready now by taking a look at your self-care and beginning to make the appointments you have been putting off and doing the nice things for yourself that you can never find the time for!

Send me an email at recoverycoachbev@theempowermentcoach.net to receive a copy of my self care assessment. Usually reserved for students in my Four Foundations of Family Recovery class, I’ll share this with you as my gift.

Keep reading this series over the next week or two to get more tips on how to improve the quality of your holiday season!

And to make your new year even better, consider joining me for my next Four Foundations of Family Recovery teleseminar coming up in January 2011. The holidays will be over and it will be time to make the new year bright!

To learn more go to www.theempowermentcoach.net/4-Foundations-of-Recovery.html .

See you soon with the next installment of Holiday Time Again – How to Cope and Thrive – part 2 of 4.

Best wishes for a joyous holiday season,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC
Family Recovery Coach
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
see you In The Rooms! www.intherooms.com

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Martin Luther King, Junior said, “Faith is taking the first step even when you cannot see the whole staircase.”

Walking in faith is something humans do. We have faith that the sun will rise, that the flowers will bloom in the spring, that the moon will be full once a month, that the light will come on when we turn on the switch. In fact, we have certainty about these things. Isn’t that what faith is? Certainty that things we don’t see now will come to pass?

Yet, how difficult it can sometimes be to do! Either our COBRA ends or the insurance at our work is unaffordable or doesn’t cover the challenges we have. We watch the people we love suffer, we suffer ourselves. At these times and others like them, our faith is tested, and we are called upon to accept life on life’s terms.

How does one walk in faith, put trust in God, when the world as we know it begins to appear unfair, unkind, unpredictable?

Good question. How?

One of the great lessons of the recovery path is to walk in faith. From the moment we realize we are dealing with our own or someone else’s addictive disease, we take that first step, admit our powerlessness and see how out of control our lives have become.

Walking on, we move into belief; make a decision to surrender; work to root out, admit, and surrender our shortcomings; and then make amends. The exercise of the first nine steps is actually the beginning of a faith-building spiritual practice. Then we move on to the day to day maintenance of our faith-walk in recovery, where living in the solution means turning to a Higher Power for guidance, growing in wisdom daily, putting one foot in front of the other, choosing to do the next right thing. We walk in faith daily through continued self-inventory, prayer and meditation, and the sharing and practice of the recovery principles throughout our lives.

Walking in faith means following our intuition more and more and being willing to turn away from fear and doubt and anxiety as we turn more and more to following God’s guidance. It means knowing that, even when things seem the darkest, there will again be sunlight.

Walking in faith means asking for help from our HP on things large and small, and surrendering to life on life’s terms. It means getting told ‘no’ and having faith anyway. It means being what my friend and colleague Guthrie Sayen likes to call ‘a spiritual adult,’ someone who faces and lives life as on life’s terms and continues to learn and grow as they move forward.

Walking in faith means following your dreams even as others laugh at them. It means continuing to move ahead, regardless of the struggles that you face.

We in the 12 step programs are part of the larger world, are affected by the societal upheaval and economic struggles around us, are neither immune to the aging process, nor the ups and downs of life on Earth in its many manifestations. And yet, we have a gift. The gift of tools to allow us to walk in faith through it all. To know that there is a loving God in our lives “doing for us what we could never do for ourselves.”

What does it mean to you to walk in faith?

Send me your comments at bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net and I will publish them in an upcoming blog.

Until then,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC
Family Recovery Coach
Author of the forthcoming book The Four Foundations of Family Recovery: Simple Ideas to Transform Chaos to Sanity
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

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