12 Step Family

Normally, when we think of a person making a change in their life, we think of the actual moment when they stop drinking, smoking, drugging, etc. But, there is so much more!  This post continues our discussions of  James Prochaska’s 6 Stages of Change that everyone goes through when considering a change in habit or behavior.

Stage 4: Action – Up until recently, most people just thought of Action as the change.

“Why don’t you just change?”

“Just do it!”

Even now,  people unfamiliar with the Stages of Change model, don’t realize all that must go into preparing for the actual action to take root and become the person’s new reality. Prochaska calls the Action stage “Time to Move”  and indeed it is!

At this stage, it is time to put all of the preparation into action. There may be some mourning as old friends must be let go of for a time and new types of activities and supports put into place. Depending on the nature of the change, help may be necessary to make this change last.

This stage can last for several months  as one adjusts to a new way of life. It’s amazing how much has to happen before the action takes place but now the time has come and if all of the thinking and preparing has been done in advance, the action step has a much greater chance of succeeding.

Of course, there is still much to do. Here is where the rubber meets the road: taking it all and putting it into practice, one day at a time. It is a time of great excitement and tremendous adjustments – exhilarating and excruciating at the same time. Denning calls this the “Just Do It” stage.

To learn more about how to reduce the harm from your or your loved one’s problem behaviors, join me for a call tomorrow evening when I will be interviewing Kenneth Anderson, author of How to Change Your Drinking: A Harm Reduction Guide to Alcohol and Director of the HAMS Network, an online support group for people working on managing their drug and alcohol usage in order to reduce the harmful consequences they may be currently experiencing. You can sign up at http://beverlybuncher.com/key-5-teleseminar-on-harm-reduction-little-steps-to-big-changes/

All the best,

Coach Bev

The Beverly Buncher Company

Facilitating Family Recovery

786 859 4050

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The 6 Stages of Change are the path that each of us must travel in order to change any habit or behavior that we want to shift or eliminate from our lives which were researched and developed by Dr. James Prochaska and chronicled in his book Changing for Good.  This month’s blog posts are devoted to helping readers better understand these stages in order to better cope with the transitions they and/or their addicted loved ones may be struggling with.

In previous posts this month, we looked at stage one, pre-contemplation, also known as the denial stage. This post looks at  stage two, contemplation, which occurs as awareness begins to dawn in the changer’s mind that something may really need to change.

This month, join us for an hour of lively discussion on Harm Reduction: Little Steps to Big Changes, when I interview Kenneth Anderson. Click here for more information and to register.

Stage Two: Contemplation – At this stage, which Prochaska nicknames “Change on the Horizon”,  you have begun to sometimes think you may have a problem. You are looking at your life, sometimes with the help of others who support your wellness or simply cannot stand watching you kill yourself any longer. And when you look, you think it might be time to think about doing something.

At this point, you don’t know what it is you want to do exactly. Nor do you have a plan or a change date. You are doing just what the name of the stage says: “contemplating”. You are still going back and forth between whether or not you have a problem and whether or not you should do anything about it if you do.

This stage is very important as it allows the changer to go over all of the pros and cons in their mind….Without help, this stage can go on for a very long time. With help, from a recovery coach, therapist or supportive friend or family member, the time can be lessened.

Prochaska has written his book for people to be able to help themselves quicken the process and also offers advice for those close to the changer as well. Contemplation comes to its conclusion when a decision has been made to change. Denning (author of Over the Influence: The Harm Reduction Guide to Managing Alcohol and Drugs) calls this stage the “yes, but” stage.

Would you like to explore an alternative to 12 step recovery for yourself or a loved one?

Although conventional treatments based on the 12 steps have helped millions of people, the NIAAA tells us that less than 20 % of people with Alcohol Dependence will recover via AA or a 12 step treatment program. Even though the majority of people with an addiction will eventually recover, there can be a tremendous amount of damage on the way. Harm reduction offers a means of engaging people in the recovery process who object to conventional treatment programs because of either the abstinence requirement or the spiritual component. Numerous studies have demonstrated the effectiveness of harm reduction interventions. Tonight our guest Kenneth Anderson will be sharing with us the alcohol harm reduction strategies which he has written about in his book ” How to Change Your Drinking: a Harm Reduction Guide to Alcohol” and which are used in the HAMS harm reduction support group.

Please note:As stated above, on Wednesday evening, October 20, 2011, at 7 PM ET, on my Free Loving Mirror Teleseminar,   I will be hosting Kenneth Anderson, MA, the author of the How to Change Your Drinking: a Harm Reduction Guide to Alcohol–a self-help manual for safer drinking, reduced drinking, or quitting alcohol altogether. The topic of the evening will be “Small Steps Lead to Big Changes.”

To learn more and register for this free one hour teleseminar, click here.

You won’t want to miss this show if you are interested in learning more about alternatives to 12 step recovery that you or your loved ones may be interested in pursuing. Ken will share his own story and we will discuss ways that family members

To register for this free one hour teleseminar, click here.

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 Key 5: The 6 Stages of Change,  can make all the difference in your understanding of what your loved one is facing as they struggle to free themselves from their addictive behaviors. This post will look at stage one: pre-contemplation and how to help your loved one wake up from the denial it brings.

 The 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members are designed to provide family members of addicts  with a variety of strong recovery principles and models to help them face the challenges of  loving anyone struggling with addictive behaviors. This month, our focus is on Key 6: The 6 Stages of Change.

There is something interesting about relationships. Just when you think they are over, something can happen to wake up the love again. Something can occur to reignite the spark or get things back on track. The hardest time to remember this is when things feel hopeless.

Lately, many of the people who have been calling for help or writing in about their situations have been worried about their marriages. Three different people  in the last week have shared, “I feel so sad about what’s happened to my marriage.” “I’m afraid that the way we are relating is hurting our children.” “I just feel so unhappy in this relationship.”  ”I wish I could figure out how to get out now, but I’m afraid to leave.”

Being in a relationship is hard enough. Add addiction to the mix and things can get overwhelming.  Communication gets muddled, feelings get trampled on, judgment runs amok.

According to my readers, my clients, my sponsees, (and my own memories of life with an active addict), one day, the good times seem imminent again. The next, as distant as the moon. One moment is filled with laughter, the next with tears. The judgments, the fears, the resentments, all of these go hand in hand with living with and/or loving a person struggling with addictive behaviors or substances.

So,when do you give up? How do you decide whether to stay or to leave?

When I was a newlywed, dealing with a spouse who was using, I would literally spin from ‘should I go?’ to ‘should I leave?’ hundreds of times in a day. Then, one day, I decided to take a new approach.

I took out my calendar and went three months ahead in time and wrote in the words “How are things now?”.  Then I went ahead three more months in the calendar and wrote it again: “How are things now?” Then I went ahead three more months and three more months after that and wrote again: “How are things now?”

Meanwhile, along with these calendar reminders, I made a decision to stay, one day at a time, in between those dates. So, when the thought came, ‘should I stay? should I go?’ , I simply said to myself, “For today, I’m here. I’m staying. I’m making a decision to be loving, and I’m taking care of myself.”

Now you will notice that I SIMPLY said these words to myself. Simple is not the same as easy. The work over that next year was work I largely did on myself, on my recovery, on my state of mind. Interestingly enough, the more I focused on myself, on my own willingness to take care of myself, to be loving, to set healthy boundaries, to get the support I needed to grow and develop fully, the less pressure I was putting on the relationship to fulfill me and the better the relationship got!

Not overnight, and there were some very difficult times along the way. But, the beauty of letting go of demanding that a relationship get better in order to stay, is that by letting go and working on ourselves, we give the other person and the relationship itself the space necessary to grow and develop as well!

Over the years, things have not been perfect in my relationship with my spouse. I am not perfect and neither is he. Nor will we ever be. When things got tough over the years (and I am talking about during our many years of sobriety and overall success in many areas of our life), I would get additional support by going to a therapist or counselor (and later to a life coach).  I have found short-term therapy and coaching to be useful, in addition to meetings and working with a sponsor, to help me deal with what was bothering me about my life with my spouse, the stresses at work and my personal issues.

Over the years, when  I started with a new therapist, I would always preface the relationship with this: “I am here to work on myself and to learn new ways to deal with my life. I am not here to move toward a divorce. That is not an option.” I found it necessary to express that to therapists in the beginning as it seemed to be an option all too available and acceptable, one that I did not want to consider. That worked for me.

Today, with 26 years of marriage, the hope for 26 or more ahead,and no guarantees, I carry a lesson that really helped me get this far: No matter how bad things get in the marital relationship or how good things get, the only thing I can count on is that they will change. The good times will follow the bad and the bad will follow the good.Leaving when things are really bad, precludes the possibility of them getting better…and, if I am working on myself and practicing being a loving mirror with my spouse, they almost always will.  This is important for me to remember and I freely share it with people who have less time in their marriage.

I learned early on in recovery that counting on another person to make me happy would never work, that counting on another person to fill me up would never work and that counting on a spouse to do what I wanted him to do or be would simply never happen.

Each of us is on our own journey. We come into this world alone and leave it alone with our only lifelong companion: ourselves.

Choosing to share a marital journey with another person means sharing lots of ups and downs. Yes, as family members affected by addiction, we do experience what may feel like more than our fair share of the downs. But, the key to happiness is not to be found in a marriage or a job or a house or a specific amount of money. Rather, it is to be found in ourselves.

The gift of being with someone who is struggling is that, in order to be happy, we really do need to learn the lesson of relying on our own inner joy to carry us through the sometimes very rough times. I have found it a very precious gift and the person who I love has, to be quite honest, not had the easiest time loving me either. Together we have learned to love and be loving at times when it doesn’t seem there is much love being returned. This has made each of us stronger within ourselves, and made the times when we are in sync even more precious.

Would love to hear your take on getting through the difficult times in your relationship!

Stay tuned to this blog to learn about next week’s Free Loving Mirror Teleseminar! More details will be coming soon!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

www.beverlybuncher.com

786 859 4050

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 Key 5, The 6 Stages of Change,  can make all the difference in your understanding of what your loved one is facing as they struggle to free themselves from their addictive behaviors. The Stages of Change Model can also help YOU understand what it takes to move from your co-addictive behavior, to the detached, loving behavior that will free you from misery AND be most likely to have a positive impact on your loved one. The 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members are designed to provide family members of addicts  with a variety of strong recovery principles and models to help them face the challenges of  loving anyone struggling with addictive behaviors. This month, our focus is on Key 6: The 6 Stages of Change.

Ever try to break a habit? Not easy is it? And the 6  Stages of Change Model will help you understand why – and how –  to break through to success!

Perhaps you have counted on the 21 day idea to get you through – Namely, that if you practice a new behavior for 21 days, you will have momentum that will allow you to more easily move forward to breaking the habit for good. I like that idea and have used it to get me over the hump of difficult changes I am seeking.

But there is more to the picture. The 21 days start once you have begun taking action on your change. What about the days leading up to the very first day you stop an old habit or start a new one?

According to researcher James Prochaska, PhD, those pre-days are just as important, if not more so, than the first 21 days of the action steps. Prochaska’s research on how people change habitual behaviors has resulted in The 6 Stages of Change Model, which is taught in universities and to patients in substance abuse treatment centers all over the world.

If you want to change a behavior in your life, and according to Prochaska, each one of us is in the process of changing 3-4 things in our lives at any given time, you will want to become familiar with this model, as its stages and how you go through them could determine the difference between your success or failure this time around. Most changes take 3-4 spins through the stages to take hold, Prochaska says. But, by becoming familiar with the stages, a self-changer can improve their ability to handle each of the stages more effectively and perhaps reduce the number of retreads they will need to succeed.

Prochaska outlines the process in his book Changing for Good: A Revolutionary Six-Stage Program for Overcoming Bad Habits and Moving Your Life Forward (Harper Paperback, 2006).

If you would like to learn more about the Stages of Change model and reading the book is not on your immediate agenda, keep reading this month’s blog entries. We will look at the Stages of Change model, stage by stage, with tips on how to help yourself or a loved one move forward from stage to stage!

If you would like to begin with an immediate brief overview of the 6 Stages of Change model, click here and I will send you an article that briefly explains each stage for you.

In the meantime, have a Loving Day!

Best,

Coach Bev

www.beverlybuncher.com

786 859 4050

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Dear Coach Bev,
I’d like to start the 12 step program. What do I do?
Signed,
Silvia

Dear Silvia,
So glad you asked that question – especially today as we come to the end of our focus on Key 3: Developing Relationships with Others! I developed the 12 keys to provide my students, coachees, and readers with 12 recovery principles to help them move in the direction of Being a Loving Mirror. And, I started the 12 Keys with the three relationships (that which you have with God, self and others) as I believe these relationships are the key to inner peace.

Actually, I wrote the first three keys to sanity to emphasize the importance of developing these three relationships, which the 12 steps of recovery show you, in detail, how to put into practice. In fact, I see the 12 steps as a roadmap for developing all three relationships, for those who are ready to pick up the map and follow it. And the keys are designed as an introduction and/or enhancement to these powerful steps of recovery. You can use both sets of principles along the recovery path! They truly compliment each other. But back to the steps…

If you want to get involved with a 12 step program, first thing you want to do is figure out which one you are qualified for. In other words, what is your addiction? is it to a person? a drug? a drink? food? sex and love?

You can find a list of many of the 12 step programs along with their websites and phone numbers by clicking here. If you don’t find your program on this list, do an Internet search that describes the substance or behavior you are addicted to and if there is a 12 step program for that. For instance, if you are a messy person, look up Clutterers Anonymous on the Internet. If the issue is debt, look up Debtors Anonymous, etc.

Once you determine which program is the best one for you, contact that program and get a meeting list. Most list meetings on their website. There are in person meetings, phone meetings, online meetings, and video chat meetings.

In the Rooms (www.intherooms.com) offers lots of support for people in many of the 12 step programs, lists of meetings, recorded meetings to listen to, and online chat meetings. There are over 165,000 recovering people who belong to in the rooms. It is actually the largest social network for people in recovery in the world! So that could be a very good place to start.

So, let’s say you find your meeting and start going. Each time you are at the meeting, listen to the shares of the people there. When you hear someone share, whose life and message exemplify the way you would like to live your recovery, you can ask them to be your sponsor. It could take you awhile to find this person. In the meantime, you can just get to know people in the meetings, share phone numbers and make new recovery friends. You can even ask for someone to be your temporary sponsor, to help you get started until you find the sponsor you are looking for. Once you do find a sponsor, temporary or permanent, they will take you through the 12 steps, which are the heart of the 12 step programs. This is called “working the steps”.

In order to help you work the steps, there is lots of literature out there. You can find a lot of it ONLINE for FREE! For instance, the entire text of Alcoholics Anonymous (the original 12 step program) is online FOR FREE for you to download.Click here to see it. It’s called the Big Book of AA and it’s got tremendous wisdom as well as a step by step guide to working the steps that works for any program you are in. But it’s preferable to work the steps with a guide rather than on your own. There are many people out there to help you. Find one and get started!

Working the steps is a term you will hear a lot in the 12 step programs. Basically, it means, working with another person in recovery, called a sponsor, who will help you understand and work through the principles of the program that are contained in the steps. This usually involves a lot of discussion, writing, thinking, prayer and meditation. It is a powerful, life changing process that has the power to help you make a shift to a much more positive, life-affirming mindset. Don’t allow what I just wrote to put you off! You can do it at your own pace and in your own time. And, not everyone does it exactly. The thing is, working the steps is what brings about lasting recovery, which brings me to my next point…

Lots of people think the meetings are the program, or the slogans are the program (Keep coming back; one day at a time; first things first; THINK; etc.), or the literature is the program. To me, more than anything else, the steps are the program. The 12 steps are, to me, the distillation of all of the wisdom traditions of the world and of the ages. By the time I had entered the rooms 35 years ago, I had already begun studying various religions and could see that the steps were made up of the deepest core of that wisdom, the stuff that all of the various traditions have in common!

In 12 sentences, a person whose life is shattered in one or more areas, is offered the opportunity to do the following:
1. find out what they do and don’t have power over in their life
2. discover a Higher Power who can help them sanely deal with the things they’re powerless over
3.decide to surrender the things that matter to them to that Higher Power
4. take inventory of their own attitudes, words, feelings, thoughts and behaviors
5. share that honestly with another person
6. become willing to give up their character flaws
7. ask for spiritual help to get rid of those flaws
8. list the people they’ve harmed and become willing to make amends to them all
9. make amends unless doing so would hurt someone else.
Steps 10 to 12 are the steps that make the process a daily habit in that the newly recovered person proceeds to work at living honestly and spiritually one day at a time and helping others overcome their challenges.

This process of trusting God, cleaning house, and helping others, has, for over 50 years, been helping those affected by their own or someone else’s addiction, bringing sanity and serenity back into their previously tattered and torn lives.
.
Everytime someone enters a meeting and admits they cannot do it alone, they begin the journey of working the steps, of putting their life back in order and of, ultimately, helping another person to do the same. It’s a chain of love and kindness, passed along from one wounded person to another, healing both people’s wounds in the process of the work they do together.

If you think you could benefit from this work, what are you waiting for? Check out the list of different 12 step programs by clicking here, find the one that is right for you and get to a meeting!

You don’t have to be alone anymore and you don’t have to search for a secret to the happiness, joy and freedom you have been seeking! It’s been here all along in the 12 steps of recovery.

Enjoy the weekend Silvia and let me know how your first meeting goes!

Best,

Coach Bev

–
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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Imagine this scene: your son (or daughter) walks in the door high as a kite…again.

If you have told them once, you’ve told them a thousand times how much that upsets you and how you want them to stop. But there they are…again.

Your usual response is to threaten and cajole them into stopping their use. You do it because you love them, because you’re scared to death, because you can’t believe that a child of yours, with the values you have taught them, would be messed up enough to throw their life away to drugs…You are so frightened of what could happen to them and so disgusted by the friends they are now hanging out with that all you want to do is scream…So instead, you tell them what a bad seed they are, how you wish they never were born, how they are ruining YOUR life, and then, once you’ve finished saying all of the things that you know will hurt them the most, you top it off with “And if you don’t stop doing this, you aren’t welcome in this house.”

And then a day or two later, there they are again, walking in high, ruining your life and the litany starts again.

It doesn’t have to be that way, you know. It’s not mandatory that you judge your child as bad or wrong for out of control drinking or drugging. It’s not required that you push your feelings of hurt, fear and despair down with anger, resentment, and rage. You don’t have to make idle threats or sarcastic comments.

There IS another way.

That way is Being A Loving MIrror.

The work of Being A Loving MIrror may be new to you or it may be something you’ve read in this blog before. Either way, it is accessible to you, right here, right now.

All it takes is a commitment to change your point of view and attitude, for a moment in time. And that moment is NOW.

Each relationship we have is built and broken one moment at a time, in each moment of time that it occurs. It is never too late to start over. To make a decision to be NEW in relationship to someone you love.

Being a Loving Mirror means feeling all of the hurt and pain that goes with watching someone you love do something self-destructive and doing something different: just sitting with it. Allowing it to percolate in a new way inside of you.

Instead of pushing the feelings down, watch them rise up within you and BE still. In that stillness, that state of being an inner witness to your own sadness and despair, take a deep breath and make a decision to take a different approach: The Loving Mirror Approach. Why?

1. What you are doing isn’t working to get him or her to stop using.
2. you feel awful every time you rant and rave and nothing changes.
3. you are growing more and more distant from your loved one everytime the two of you have another one of those confrontations…

Want to learn how to BE and Live life in relationship as a loving mirror?

Join me Wednesday, August 24, 2011 when I will be interviewed by Jory Fisher on her BlogTalk Radio Show Women of Faith and Purpose talking about what it means to Be A Loving Mirror and how it can make a difference in your life. Click here to join us for this noon ET radio program today!

And if you can’t make it, but you really want to learn how to BE A Loving Mirror, join me as a participant for my upcoming 12 week Loving Mirror Coaching Group! Click here to sign up NOW! It starts next Thursday, September 1st, and will happen on the phone lines every Thursday from noon to 1:30 PM!

Want more information? Give me a call at 786 859 4050. Let’s talk and see what will help you the most in your journey to an honest, loving, non-judgmental relationship with your loved ones! It’s my job to help you figure out what your next best steps are!

Let’s talk and figure it out together.

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC
Family Recovery Coach
www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com

FYI: Here’s an excerpt on the Heart and Soul Interview. See you at noon!

Beverly Buncher on “How To Be A Loving Mirror in Your Loved Ones’ Lives”

On Wednesday, August 24th, Jory will interview author/blogger Beverly Buncher, a Family Recovery and True Purpose™ Coach Please go to this link at 12 Noon Eastern (9AM Pacific) to listen to our live interview.
“How To Be A Loving Mirror in Your Loved One’s Lives”

When it comes to relationships, what matters most? Is it kindness? Intelligence? Beauty? Wisdom? For Beverly Buncher, Family Recovery and Life Purpose in Recovery Coach, what matters most is the ability to Be A Loving Mirror (BALM) in your own and your loved ones’ lives.

Coach Bev works with the family members of addicts, yet teaches principles that anyone can use in relationship with their loved ones.

Her message: telling each other the truth in a loving, non-judgmental way is the key to a relationship that works, especially during those times when things are going less than smoothly.

During this hour, Bev will share her 12 Keys to Sanity which will guide you to the ability to BE that loving mirror in a loved one’s life.

About Beverly Buncher

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC, Family Recovery Coach, works with clients individually and in groups, in person and on the phone. Author of the forthcoming book Transform Your Life with the12 Keys to Sanity, she helps family members turn chaos to sanity and helps recovering addicts find and live their life purpose. Coach Bev is internationally recognized as a Professional Certified Coach by ICF (International Coach Federation). She is the family blogger and resident Recovery Coach for In the Rooms (the leading social network for people in recovery) and the Family Recovery Coach for the social network, The Addict’s Mom. She also trains Professional Recovery Coaches for Crossroads Recovery Coaching and is a mentor coach for iPEC. Coach Bev has spent over 26 years as a member of family recovery programs and practices the principles of recovery in her own life on a daily basis. You can learn more about her work on her websites at www.beverlybuncher.com and by reading her blog In The Rooms at http://12stepfamily.com.

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The trauma of having a child, friend or relative using substances without regard to their health or safety, or that of anyone else, is one of life’s most difficult challenges. What tools do you find most effective in helping you regain your sanity when you see someone you love doing things that you know could harm themselves or others and there is nothing you can do to stop them?

When it comes to relating to those we love, especially but not exclusively those who use drugs, alcohol, or other addictive substances or behaviors, it is important to have a toolbox of spiritual, mental, and physical techniques available to you so that you do not fall apart because of their issues.

Here are a few that I and my clients have found helpful as we walk our path. See if any of them work for you:

1. Consciously breathe. The breath is one of the greatest tools we have to bring our minds back to calm when fearful thoughts threaten to take over. Notice I said fearful THOUGHTS, not fearful BEHAVIORS OF OTHERS. It is not others’ behaviors that destroy our peace of mind, but how we think about those behaviors. Breathing slowly, calmly and deeply, can help us stay fully present to whatever situation is facing us and allow us to focus on our next best step, rather than on the racing thoughts of fear and of possible tragic outcomes that tend to rush through our minds when faced with our loved one’s behaviors.

2. Become aware of yourself exactly in relation to exactly where you are RIGHT NOW. You see your loved one in an intoxicated state. Or they are telling you a story or problem with potentially dire consequences. You have started to use tool one, Consciously Breathe, but still you feel your thoughts racing. Now, as you continue to breathe, take a look around. Become aware of the wallpaper, the ceiling fan, the diningroom chair fabric. Allow your eyes to embrace your environment and see the detail and beauty in a new way. You get the picture. Take your focus off of your fear and put it right where you are. Allow yourself to see the world around you in THIS moment in order to further relax calm yourself.

3. Become aware of yourself in your environment If you are outside, feel the sun on your skin and the grass under your toes. If you are in a chair, feel your body touching the chair and your feet touching the floor. If your arms are crossed. feel your fingers touching your arms. Keep breathing of course and just focus on yourself, in your environment, breathing.

These three tools, of breathing, focusing on the present moment environment, and focusing on yourself IN the environment, all have tremendous power to bring you back to the present momen,t regardless of the news you are hearing about what just happened to your loved one or the thoughts your mind is playing about what could happen. This isn’t about going off into la-la land. It is about becoming able to hear what people are telling us without going into full battle mode, which after awhile, can create an inner trauma loop in our minds that keeps us from relating effectively to our loved ones.

Being related to someone who is often doing dangerous things, can create trauma in us. However, if we begin to ground ourselves in our own body, in our own breath, in our own environment, in the moment, we will begin to be able to physically experience the ability to detach with love. We will have a sense of inner calm that will allow us to respond in a manner appropriate to the situation, without all of the intense mental thought clutter we used to have that is grounded less in reality than in fear and panic.

To relate to others in the moment, with lovingkindness and effectiveness, to Be that Loving Mirror (TM), it is crucial to develop our own ability to feel a sense of calm underlying all that we think, do, and say. Not easy, but simple. With daily practice, you will own these tools and BE there for others in ways you had previously not thought possible. MORE importantly, you will be there for yourself, as the inner calm will minimize the wear and tear on your body and mind that stress often brings.

Practice these three things even when not hearing bad news. Practice BEING in the moment on a regular basis and the skill will be there for you when you need it.

Let me know how it is going for you!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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Expectations of others don’t work. They get us in trouble and make us miserable. Often, the others we are expecting to act in a specific way don’t do what we expect them to do and then we feel let down and disappointed. Those feelings often translate into our treating them in a dismissive or disgruntled way which wounds the relationship even further.

So, what does that mean? Shouldn’t we be able to have standards of how others we associate with act and treat us? Isn’t it my right to expect that others will behave in ways that I can live with?

Well, it depends on what you want from the situation. If you are just getting to know someone and are considering them as a life partner, best friend, or business partner, knowing what you want from the relationship and being aware of whether the person fits the bill can be very important in helping you determine whether to go on with the relationship or not.

Or, if you are making a decision as to whether to continue with a relationship that has been on the decline and you are aware that certain things about the person are not things you can live with and you want out, using discernment as to whether or not you choose to live with those things anymore can be very helpful as well.

But, if you are in a relationship for the long haul either as a spouse, a parent, a child or a friend, and you find yourself, over and over again, expecting the person you love to live their life the way you think they should live it, and they have a different idea or simply cannot comply, it may be time to ask yourself if that expectation is really serving you or the relationship. Here’s an example:

Let’s say, you have an expectation that your loved one come home for dinner each evening by 6 PM. It’s a ‘reasonable’ expectation, don’t you think? But somehow, they never make it. Sometimes they come at 6:30, sometimes at 7, sometimes at 9 and sometimes not at all…You’ve tried everything. You’ve yelled, screamed, given them the silent treatment and calmly told them that this is not acceptable. Yet, the behavior continues.

Inside, you are so angry, you are boiling.

This family member is ruining the dinner hour for you and everyone else. They are a bad example for the rest of the family members and after you get through postponing and seething through the hour or two or three of waiting for them each evening, the rest of the family is, quite frankly, starved, angry and frustrated as well – as much with you as with your loved one.

So, what do you do? Well, just to mix things up, what if you simply let go of the expectation that they come home at all. Accept that they may or may not come home for dinner, and put your focus on making a delicious dinner (if that is your job) for the rest of the family members. You may decide to set a place for them or not. If not and they show up, they can set one when they get there. If so, and they don’t, you can either leave theirs out for when they do come (if there is any food left) OR put their place setting away and let them completely fend for themselves when they get home.

If it feels unmanageable, unfair, untenable to do this, to let them get away with this without letting them know how awful it is, I have a surprise for you: They are already getting away with it already. As for your histrionic and/or seething reactions to their behavior, your loved one is probably immune to it…After awhile, nagging behavior becomes invisible or is simply used as an excuse to use more, drink more and stay out later.

In AA, they talk about dropping the rock. The rock can be anything that is holding us back from being our best and enjoying the potentially wonderful life that recovery offers us. By dropping the rock of expectation from your relationships with others, you can enjoy them when they are around just as they are, without always insisting they be who you want them to be.

It’ll allow you and your other family members to enjoy mealtime again, it will potentially improve your relationship with your loved one and, interestingly enough, it may give them less of a reason to stay away…

When one person in a relationship changes their behavior, the dynamics of the relationship must change.

Of course, changing your own attitudes, actions and reactions is challenging. That’s what the 12 Keys will do. By working to become a Loving Mirror in your loved one’s life, you WILL improve the quality of YOUR life and hopefully, theirs as well!

It’d be great to have you in our upcoming Loving Mirror Coaching group! There you will find partners in growth to insure your path and a coach to help you shine a light on your own inner wisdom! Learn more at www.beverlybuncher.com/loving mirror/.

See you there!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”

Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post will is the first in a month-long series that will post on Developing Relationships with Others.

Recently I received this post from a reader:

Dear Bev, after being married to an alchoholic for 20 years, I got divorced, I met a wonderful man I was dating for almost 5 years. We only saw each other on the weekends. As we became closer it became clear he is also an alchoholic and partier & to top it off his 2 adult children are drug users. I am devistated. I feel duped and stupid. How did I miss the signs this time? – Feeling betrayed…

Dear Betrayed,

First of all, thank you so much for your note and question. Your willingness to put out there the exact dilemma that so many ex-spouses of alcoholics/addicts face will help many others better understand the seeming insanity of what has happened to you.

Many people who marry an active addict the first time around often find an equally dysfunctional person the second time around (and in some cases the 3rd, 4th, and 5th time as well…).

So, what is that about and what does this have to do with the 3rd Key to Sanity: Developing Loving Relationships with Others?

Everyday of our lives, we are bombarded with images of what the ideal mate looks like, talks like, acts like. We see, on television and in the movies, people with perfect bodies, perfect jobs, perfect smiles, and lots and lots of money and we see what they have as what we really want, but yet, the only place we see life playing out like that is on fictionalized shows and in movies. We may go to church, temple, mosque or synagogue and get a different perspective on what good and perfect mean and begin to develop ideals that compete with those of the media and culture around us.

Then, deep inside of us are the tapes we’ve been playing since our childhood of what we are worth, who we deserve, what we can get in life and what kind of life we will live. If our parents were dysfunctional in anyway and/or if they abused us emotionally or physically, we carry those tapes of being less than. If we were sexually abused by anyone, in our family or outside of our family, we carry those tapes of shame and unworthiness.

When we look for a mate initially, we carry all of these competing views of ourselves and others along for the search. Unless we have developed a very strong relationship with a Higher Power along with a very healthy, sense of self and a relationship with ourselves that consciously and subconsciously knows what is best for us and will accept nothing less than that, chances are, our choices may have been less than ideal. Then, once we have a marriage, we begin to think of ourselves in certain ways and to see our lives in certain ways based on what we experience in relation to our mate. And if that mate is an active alcoholic/addict, we may feel extremely isolated, confused, lonely, and afraid. How did this person who we loved so much turn into such a_________________ (you fill in the blank- monster, meanie,etc.)

So, there we are in a marriage with another person who at first appeared to be very much in sync with who/what we wanted in life, but now, as we look deeper, has lots of issues that we have no idea how to cope with. Being stuck like that, many of us put the dysfunctional coping mechanisms we learned at home into place. We cry, sulk, scream and yell to get them to behave better toward us. When these don’t work, we ignore, get bitter, put our interests and energy elsewhere, and, if we don’t have the means or guts to GET OUT, or if our religious beliefs encourage us to stick it out NO MATTER WHAT, we ENDURE.

Perhaps you can relate to that scenario. Your story may be quite different. If possible, find a piece of it that works for you and stay with me here.

So, after awhile, six months, six years, 12 years, 20 years, 35 years later, you change your mind. You are done enduring and decide to get the heck out of this unendurable marriage and start over. So you do. Maybe your spouse did the unspeakable: cheated on you, and that was your breaking point. Or maybe after the 16th time they cheated on you, you realized this was not going to get better and you left. Or maybe they left you for the other woman/man. Anyway, you get the picture. The marriage is OVER, done, finished.

You are out on your own, finally out from under the thumb of this person who “made you so miserable.”

Now what?

For many who find themselves in this position, it’s lonely! Even though the marriage was lonely, someone was at least THERE. There was a warm body on the other side of the bed or in the next room and not everything about the marriage was bad, etc., etc., …Of course, not everyone is that upset. The freedom can be intoxicating! the chance to meet others and have a good time is grand.

But now what?

All of the above is written to set the scenario for meeting partner #2. After whatever amount of time you have taken to ‘get over’ the last one, you begin to look for your next mate. Perhaps you hardly have to look at all and they find you…or perhaps you spend years looking. Either way, the hunt is on.

Finally, you meet. Certain that this time will be different, you find someone who is not an alcoholic, not an addict, not a…the list goes on. Or so you think. So you get together to live happily ever after. Sometimes the honeymoon lasts weeks, sometimes years. But eventually, it comes out: They may not be an alcoholic, but they may instead take pills or have a sex addiction or a gambling addiction. And there you are again in your own new version of the same Hell you endured the last time around…or maybe something even worse…

What went wrong?

The reason Key 3: Developing Relationships with Other People comes 3rd and not 1st, is that without good strong inner work on ourselves, our relationships with others will often come up short. What I’m saying here is that the relationships we have with others are much more about us than about them! and the kinds of people we choose to have in our lives are also much more about us than about them!

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that life with an alcoholic or addict is easy. I’m not saying that if you aren’t yet married and you find that your partner is deeply troubled (sex addict, drug addict, gambler, alcoholic, etc.) you shouldn’t run as fast and as far as you can.

What I am saying is that when you look at who you are involved with, who your friends are or aren’t (if you don’t have any), or who you choose to end up with as a partner, the most important person in the relationship vis-a-vis these choices can be found right in your own mirror.

So, what does this all mean?

As shared at the beginning of this post, all kinds of outside input from society, school, friends, and parents, contribute to how we see ourselves and what we think we are worthy of in life. When we really want the perfect mate, but on some level feel we aren’t worthy of him or her, the feelings will often win out. Getting our insides congruent with our outsides, our feelings congruent with our desires, is one piece of the puzzle of finding the right person. Jerry and Esther Hicks write about this in all of their books about the Law of Attraction.

Another key to becoming congruent on the level of feeling, is to do the deeper work of healing the sorrow of a less than perfect childhood and unhappy1st marriage. This can be approached through therapy, 12 step work, parts work, voice dialogue, and/or other emotional healing modalities.

Life choices happen on so many levels, many of which are below the surface of our conscious awareness. Once we are in a difficult situation, it can be much more difficult and complicated to get out of it than it was to get into it in the first place.

For those who are not yet involved in a first or second dysfunctional relationship, yet have a history of family dysfunction behind them, the best advice is to do the inner work first. I remember being given that advice and feeling too anxious to get my life moving toward the future, marriage, kids, etc… Maybe you remember that feeling too?

But wherever you are planted, it is never too late to begin the inner work of healing. The 12 Keys of Sanity which culminate in Key 12 “Being a Loving Mirror” provide a series of recovery principles designed to help you see yourself as the person you need to change in your life in order to make your life better! This may be a harsh pill to swallow, but it is true.

For some, these principles alone provide a good foundation. For others, the support of others is crucial…This can come in the form of a recovery coach to help you move in the direction of your dreams while looking honestly at what is going on in your present life that you may want/need to look at in order to get there!
For others, who have experienced severe trauma or distress, the help of a coach can be supplemented by that of a therapist.

Many find help in a group setting. There are Alanon and Naranon meetings all over the country and all over the world. Once you start going, get a sponsor and begin the 12 steps of recovery, where tremendous healing can be found. I work the steps daily and have found tremendous strength and healing in them. But for me and many others, more help was needed.

To add to your recovery by combining the help of a group with that of a coach, feel free to join a Loving Mirror Coaching Group. For 12 weeks, you will gain the insights and professional guidance of a Family Recovery Coach, along with the support of a group of others who have decided to take the lead in their lives in learning how to improve their relationship with themselves and the others in their lives. It’s an inexpensive way to have both a coach and a support group, all in one and the meetings are as close as your phone! A new group starts tomorrow, Wednesday, 8-3-11 at 8 PM ET. To learn more, click here.

So, dear reader, there you are with your boyfriend of five years who turns out to be a drinker, a partier and the parent of 2 adult drug addicts. Only you can decide if you have hit the jackpot in a negative or positive way. Only you can decide if your best bet is to cut your losses and GET OUT or to stick around and play the song again.

If you decide to stay, if you do the INNER work, this time CAN be different. That may mean he will decide to get well due to your example OR it may mean your interests will become so blatantly dissimilar, that one or both of you may leave the relationship.

If you decide to leave, AND are willing to let go of relationships for awhile while you do the INNER work, next time CAN be different!

If you simply keep blaming this whole repeat performance on the OTHERS, chances are, you WILL keep bringing dysfunctional people into your life – to repeat the performance again and again….and only once you realize that the only constant in the play of dysfunctional people in and out of your life is YOU, will you start to decide it is time to begin an inner journey of your own.

By building a relationship with yourself first, your chance at building a great relationship with others will be greatly enhanced.

If I can be of further help to you on your journey, give me a call and we can set up a time to talk further.

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

Continue Reading

Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post will focus on Key #2: Developing a Relationship with Yourself.

Everyday there is someone you wake up with, go to sleep with, eat with, watch TV with, pray with, talk to, listen to and live with 24/7. You were born together, you will die together and when your relationship is a good one, your life is oh so much more pleasant and easy to handle. But when you hate that someone, you live in constant turmoil.

That someone, if you haven’t already guessed, is yourself.

When the book How to Be Your Own Best Friend first came out in the 70′s, many people laughed. 30 years later, the importance of having a healthy relationship with yourself is well known. Yet, so many of us still battle those inner bad feelings toward ourselves, also known as “Low Self-Esteem”.

Key #2 is dedicated to this important relationship because of the important place this relationship plays in life. If you can’t stand yourself, chances are you don’t much like other people. By the same token, if you find yourself disliking other people, chances are, you don’t much like yourself. Likewise, if you are critical of others, you are probably really hard on yourself and visa-versa.

It’s impossible to escape the consequences of self-disdain and challenging to heal from such negative feelings toward oneself. But, hardly impossible.

To see where you are in this crucial relationship, ask yourself the following questions:

1. When you have nothing to do on a rainy Saturday, and no one you know is available to hang out with you, how do you feel about spending the day alone just relaxing in your own company, no TV, no distractions, just you, yourself, and you?

2. When you make a mistake at work or in front of others, do you feel humiliated and hold on to those feelings, continuing to relive them in your mind, or do you feel you have just had a learning experience and maybe even find yourself using it as an opportunity to enjoy a good laugh at your own imperfections?

3. When someone else isn’t perfect, do you jump on them for their mistakes? Do you, in other words, find the need to “get well on others” (feel better about yourself by making others feel bad about themselves)?

If you have a difficult time spending time by yourself without distractions, it may be you could use some work on that relationship with yourself. If you feel overwhelmingly embarrassed when you make mistakes in front of others, it may mean you could benefit from some work on your relationship with yourself. If you can’t stand imperfection in others and feel compelled to point out their mistakes and maybe even make fun of their gaffs, it may be that you are very critical of yourself, always requiring a level of perfection that you can never quite live up to.

This month, we will look at the relationship with self and talk about some ways to build that relationship, heal the inner rifts that may be holding you back from being your best self, and additional tips on how to improve the quality of that most basic of relationships: the relationship you have with yourself.

Until then,

Be Loving to YOURSELF!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the Twelve Keys to Sanity for Family Members of Addicts

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Continue Reading