12 Step Family

The trauma of having a child, friend or relative using substances without regard to their health or safety, or that of anyone else, is one of life’s most difficult challenges. What tools do you find most effective in helping you regain your sanity when you see someone you love doing things that you know could harm themselves or others and there is nothing you can do to stop them?

When it comes to relating to those we love, especially but not exclusively those who use drugs, alcohol, or other addictive substances or behaviors, it is important to have a toolbox of spiritual, mental, and physical techniques available to you so that you do not fall apart because of their issues.

Here are a few that I and my clients have found helpful as we walk our path. See if any of them work for you:

1. Consciously breathe. The breath is one of the greatest tools we have to bring our minds back to calm when fearful thoughts threaten to take over. Notice I said fearful THOUGHTS, not fearful BEHAVIORS OF OTHERS. It is not others’ behaviors that destroy our peace of mind, but how we think about those behaviors. Breathing slowly, calmly and deeply, can help us stay fully present to whatever situation is facing us and allow us to focus on our next best step, rather than on the racing thoughts of fear and of possible tragic outcomes that tend to rush through our minds when faced with our loved one’s behaviors.

2. Become aware of yourself exactly in relation to exactly where you are RIGHT NOW. You see your loved one in an intoxicated state. Or they are telling you a story or problem with potentially dire consequences. You have started to use tool one, Consciously Breathe, but still you feel your thoughts racing. Now, as you continue to breathe, take a look around. Become aware of the wallpaper, the ceiling fan, the diningroom chair fabric. Allow your eyes to embrace your environment and see the detail and beauty in a new way. You get the picture. Take your focus off of your fear and put it right where you are. Allow yourself to see the world around you in THIS moment in order to further relax calm yourself.

3. Become aware of yourself in your environment If you are outside, feel the sun on your skin and the grass under your toes. If you are in a chair, feel your body touching the chair and your feet touching the floor. If your arms are crossed. feel your fingers touching your arms. Keep breathing of course and just focus on yourself, in your environment, breathing.

These three tools, of breathing, focusing on the present moment environment, and focusing on yourself IN the environment, all have tremendous power to bring you back to the present momen,t regardless of the news you are hearing about what just happened to your loved one or the thoughts your mind is playing about what could happen. This isn’t about going off into la-la land. It is about becoming able to hear what people are telling us without going into full battle mode, which after awhile, can create an inner trauma loop in our minds that keeps us from relating effectively to our loved ones.

Being related to someone who is often doing dangerous things, can create trauma in us. However, if we begin to ground ourselves in our own body, in our own breath, in our own environment, in the moment, we will begin to be able to physically experience the ability to detach with love. We will have a sense of inner calm that will allow us to respond in a manner appropriate to the situation, without all of the intense mental thought clutter we used to have that is grounded less in reality than in fear and panic.

To relate to others in the moment, with lovingkindness and effectiveness, to Be that Loving Mirror (TM), it is crucial to develop our own ability to feel a sense of calm underlying all that we think, do, and say. Not easy, but simple. With daily practice, you will own these tools and BE there for others in ways you had previously not thought possible. MORE importantly, you will be there for yourself, as the inner calm will minimize the wear and tear on your body and mind that stress often brings.

Practice these three things even when not hearing bad news. Practice BEING in the moment on a regular basis and the skill will be there for you when you need it.

Let me know how it is going for you!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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Expectations of others don’t work. They get us in trouble and make us miserable. Often, the others we are expecting to act in a specific way don’t do what we expect them to do and then we feel let down and disappointed. Those feelings often translate into our treating them in a dismissive or disgruntled way which wounds the relationship even further.

So, what does that mean? Shouldn’t we be able to have standards of how others we associate with act and treat us? Isn’t it my right to expect that others will behave in ways that I can live with?

Well, it depends on what you want from the situation. If you are just getting to know someone and are considering them as a life partner, best friend, or business partner, knowing what you want from the relationship and being aware of whether the person fits the bill can be very important in helping you determine whether to go on with the relationship or not.

Or, if you are making a decision as to whether to continue with a relationship that has been on the decline and you are aware that certain things about the person are not things you can live with and you want out, using discernment as to whether or not you choose to live with those things anymore can be very helpful as well.

But, if you are in a relationship for the long haul either as a spouse, a parent, a child or a friend, and you find yourself, over and over again, expecting the person you love to live their life the way you think they should live it, and they have a different idea or simply cannot comply, it may be time to ask yourself if that expectation is really serving you or the relationship. Here’s an example:

Let’s say, you have an expectation that your loved one come home for dinner each evening by 6 PM. It’s a ‘reasonable’ expectation, don’t you think? But somehow, they never make it. Sometimes they come at 6:30, sometimes at 7, sometimes at 9 and sometimes not at all…You’ve tried everything. You’ve yelled, screamed, given them the silent treatment and calmly told them that this is not acceptable. Yet, the behavior continues.

Inside, you are so angry, you are boiling.

This family member is ruining the dinner hour for you and everyone else. They are a bad example for the rest of the family members and after you get through postponing and seething through the hour or two or three of waiting for them each evening, the rest of the family is, quite frankly, starved, angry and frustrated as well – as much with you as with your loved one.

So, what do you do? Well, just to mix things up, what if you simply let go of the expectation that they come home at all. Accept that they may or may not come home for dinner, and put your focus on making a delicious dinner (if that is your job) for the rest of the family members. You may decide to set a place for them or not. If not and they show up, they can set one when they get there. If so, and they don’t, you can either leave theirs out for when they do come (if there is any food left) OR put their place setting away and let them completely fend for themselves when they get home.

If it feels unmanageable, unfair, untenable to do this, to let them get away with this without letting them know how awful it is, I have a surprise for you: They are already getting away with it already. As for your histrionic and/or seething reactions to their behavior, your loved one is probably immune to it…After awhile, nagging behavior becomes invisible or is simply used as an excuse to use more, drink more and stay out later.

In AA, they talk about dropping the rock. The rock can be anything that is holding us back from being our best and enjoying the potentially wonderful life that recovery offers us. By dropping the rock of expectation from your relationships with others, you can enjoy them when they are around just as they are, without always insisting they be who you want them to be.

It’ll allow you and your other family members to enjoy mealtime again, it will potentially improve your relationship with your loved one and, interestingly enough, it may give them less of a reason to stay away…

When one person in a relationship changes their behavior, the dynamics of the relationship must change.

Of course, changing your own attitudes, actions and reactions is challenging. That’s what the 12 Keys will do. By working to become a Loving Mirror in your loved one’s life, you WILL improve the quality of YOUR life and hopefully, theirs as well!

It’d be great to have you in our upcoming Loving Mirror Coaching group! There you will find partners in growth to insure your path and a coach to help you shine a light on your own inner wisdom! Learn more at www.beverlybuncher.com/loving mirror/.

See you there!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”

Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post will is the first in a month-long series that will post on Developing Relationships with Others.

Recently I received this post from a reader:

Dear Bev, after being married to an alchoholic for 20 years, I got divorced, I met a wonderful man I was dating for almost 5 years. We only saw each other on the weekends. As we became closer it became clear he is also an alchoholic and partier & to top it off his 2 adult children are drug users. I am devistated. I feel duped and stupid. How did I miss the signs this time? – Feeling betrayed…

Dear Betrayed,

First of all, thank you so much for your note and question. Your willingness to put out there the exact dilemma that so many ex-spouses of alcoholics/addicts face will help many others better understand the seeming insanity of what has happened to you.

Many people who marry an active addict the first time around often find an equally dysfunctional person the second time around (and in some cases the 3rd, 4th, and 5th time as well…).

So, what is that about and what does this have to do with the 3rd Key to Sanity: Developing Loving Relationships with Others?

Everyday of our lives, we are bombarded with images of what the ideal mate looks like, talks like, acts like. We see, on television and in the movies, people with perfect bodies, perfect jobs, perfect smiles, and lots and lots of money and we see what they have as what we really want, but yet, the only place we see life playing out like that is on fictionalized shows and in movies. We may go to church, temple, mosque or synagogue and get a different perspective on what good and perfect mean and begin to develop ideals that compete with those of the media and culture around us.

Then, deep inside of us are the tapes we’ve been playing since our childhood of what we are worth, who we deserve, what we can get in life and what kind of life we will live. If our parents were dysfunctional in anyway and/or if they abused us emotionally or physically, we carry those tapes of being less than. If we were sexually abused by anyone, in our family or outside of our family, we carry those tapes of shame and unworthiness.

When we look for a mate initially, we carry all of these competing views of ourselves and others along for the search. Unless we have developed a very strong relationship with a Higher Power along with a very healthy, sense of self and a relationship with ourselves that consciously and subconsciously knows what is best for us and will accept nothing less than that, chances are, our choices may have been less than ideal. Then, once we have a marriage, we begin to think of ourselves in certain ways and to see our lives in certain ways based on what we experience in relation to our mate. And if that mate is an active alcoholic/addict, we may feel extremely isolated, confused, lonely, and afraid. How did this person who we loved so much turn into such a_________________ (you fill in the blank- monster, meanie,etc.)

So, there we are in a marriage with another person who at first appeared to be very much in sync with who/what we wanted in life, but now, as we look deeper, has lots of issues that we have no idea how to cope with. Being stuck like that, many of us put the dysfunctional coping mechanisms we learned at home into place. We cry, sulk, scream and yell to get them to behave better toward us. When these don’t work, we ignore, get bitter, put our interests and energy elsewhere, and, if we don’t have the means or guts to GET OUT, or if our religious beliefs encourage us to stick it out NO MATTER WHAT, we ENDURE.

Perhaps you can relate to that scenario. Your story may be quite different. If possible, find a piece of it that works for you and stay with me here.

So, after awhile, six months, six years, 12 years, 20 years, 35 years later, you change your mind. You are done enduring and decide to get the heck out of this unendurable marriage and start over. So you do. Maybe your spouse did the unspeakable: cheated on you, and that was your breaking point. Or maybe after the 16th time they cheated on you, you realized this was not going to get better and you left. Or maybe they left you for the other woman/man. Anyway, you get the picture. The marriage is OVER, done, finished.

You are out on your own, finally out from under the thumb of this person who “made you so miserable.”

Now what?

For many who find themselves in this position, it’s lonely! Even though the marriage was lonely, someone was at least THERE. There was a warm body on the other side of the bed or in the next room and not everything about the marriage was bad, etc., etc., …Of course, not everyone is that upset. The freedom can be intoxicating! the chance to meet others and have a good time is grand.

But now what?

All of the above is written to set the scenario for meeting partner #2. After whatever amount of time you have taken to ‘get over’ the last one, you begin to look for your next mate. Perhaps you hardly have to look at all and they find you…or perhaps you spend years looking. Either way, the hunt is on.

Finally, you meet. Certain that this time will be different, you find someone who is not an alcoholic, not an addict, not a…the list goes on. Or so you think. So you get together to live happily ever after. Sometimes the honeymoon lasts weeks, sometimes years. But eventually, it comes out: They may not be an alcoholic, but they may instead take pills or have a sex addiction or a gambling addiction. And there you are again in your own new version of the same Hell you endured the last time around…or maybe something even worse…

What went wrong?

The reason Key 3: Developing Relationships with Other People comes 3rd and not 1st, is that without good strong inner work on ourselves, our relationships with others will often come up short. What I’m saying here is that the relationships we have with others are much more about us than about them! and the kinds of people we choose to have in our lives are also much more about us than about them!

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that life with an alcoholic or addict is easy. I’m not saying that if you aren’t yet married and you find that your partner is deeply troubled (sex addict, drug addict, gambler, alcoholic, etc.) you shouldn’t run as fast and as far as you can.

What I am saying is that when you look at who you are involved with, who your friends are or aren’t (if you don’t have any), or who you choose to end up with as a partner, the most important person in the relationship vis-a-vis these choices can be found right in your own mirror.

So, what does this all mean?

As shared at the beginning of this post, all kinds of outside input from society, school, friends, and parents, contribute to how we see ourselves and what we think we are worthy of in life. When we really want the perfect mate, but on some level feel we aren’t worthy of him or her, the feelings will often win out. Getting our insides congruent with our outsides, our feelings congruent with our desires, is one piece of the puzzle of finding the right person. Jerry and Esther Hicks write about this in all of their books about the Law of Attraction.

Another key to becoming congruent on the level of feeling, is to do the deeper work of healing the sorrow of a less than perfect childhood and unhappy1st marriage. This can be approached through therapy, 12 step work, parts work, voice dialogue, and/or other emotional healing modalities.

Life choices happen on so many levels, many of which are below the surface of our conscious awareness. Once we are in a difficult situation, it can be much more difficult and complicated to get out of it than it was to get into it in the first place.

For those who are not yet involved in a first or second dysfunctional relationship, yet have a history of family dysfunction behind them, the best advice is to do the inner work first. I remember being given that advice and feeling too anxious to get my life moving toward the future, marriage, kids, etc… Maybe you remember that feeling too?

But wherever you are planted, it is never too late to begin the inner work of healing. The 12 Keys of Sanity which culminate in Key 12 “Being a Loving Mirror” provide a series of recovery principles designed to help you see yourself as the person you need to change in your life in order to make your life better! This may be a harsh pill to swallow, but it is true.

For some, these principles alone provide a good foundation. For others, the support of others is crucial…This can come in the form of a recovery coach to help you move in the direction of your dreams while looking honestly at what is going on in your present life that you may want/need to look at in order to get there!
For others, who have experienced severe trauma or distress, the help of a coach can be supplemented by that of a therapist.

Many find help in a group setting. There are Alanon and Naranon meetings all over the country and all over the world. Once you start going, get a sponsor and begin the 12 steps of recovery, where tremendous healing can be found. I work the steps daily and have found tremendous strength and healing in them. But for me and many others, more help was needed.

To add to your recovery by combining the help of a group with that of a coach, feel free to join a Loving Mirror Coaching Group. For 12 weeks, you will gain the insights and professional guidance of a Family Recovery Coach, along with the support of a group of others who have decided to take the lead in their lives in learning how to improve their relationship with themselves and the others in their lives. It’s an inexpensive way to have both a coach and a support group, all in one and the meetings are as close as your phone! A new group starts tomorrow, Wednesday, 8-3-11 at 8 PM ET. To learn more, click here.

So, dear reader, there you are with your boyfriend of five years who turns out to be a drinker, a partier and the parent of 2 adult drug addicts. Only you can decide if you have hit the jackpot in a negative or positive way. Only you can decide if your best bet is to cut your losses and GET OUT or to stick around and play the song again.

If you decide to stay, if you do the INNER work, this time CAN be different. That may mean he will decide to get well due to your example OR it may mean your interests will become so blatantly dissimilar, that one or both of you may leave the relationship.

If you decide to leave, AND are willing to let go of relationships for awhile while you do the INNER work, next time CAN be different!

If you simply keep blaming this whole repeat performance on the OTHERS, chances are, you WILL keep bringing dysfunctional people into your life – to repeat the performance again and again….and only once you realize that the only constant in the play of dysfunctional people in and out of your life is YOU, will you start to decide it is time to begin an inner journey of your own.

By building a relationship with yourself first, your chance at building a great relationship with others will be greatly enhanced.

If I can be of further help to you on your journey, give me a call and we can set up a time to talk further.

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post will continue our focus on Key #2: Developing a Relationship with Yourself.

If you have ever found yourself wondering why a part of you feels one way while another feels the other, you may be ready to explore the topic of getting to know your ego parts. The very concept of having an ego that is made up of many parts each with their own perspective on you, your life, and the situations facing you, is one that has been written about, studied and taught extensively.

Thinkers, therapists, life coaches and teachers including Carl Jung (Active Imagination), Robert Schwartz (Internal Family Systems), Hal and Sidra Stone (Voice Dialogue), and Tim Kelley (True Purpose work) have written about, taught, and/or teach this understanding of the ego having parts or subpersonalities that play different roles in a person’s life.

If you are wondering if this cold be true, that your ego could be subdivided into a bunch of parts, each of which wants a say in how you run your life, think back on the last decision you made. Did you notice one part of you that wanted you to go in one direction and and another that wanted to go elsewhere? one part that wanted you to quickly move forward and another that was scared and wanted you to wait? Take a moment to think about this. Maybe you have a decision right now that is pressing against you. Something you want to take action on, but then again…

Each of these parts, or subpersonalities, was, according to this theory, formed at a point in your life when your ego felt you needed it. One might be a protector, another a controller. One could be a worrier, another a risk taker. Some of these parts are like cheerleaders, always telling you what a great job you are doing, while others doubt everything you do or say. Take a moment to stop reading for a moment and take out your journal or a piece of paper. Think about the functions of the parts within you. Do you have a manipulator? a scaredy cat? a wounded child? a crybaby? a victim? a bully? Keep going. Get them all down on paper. The one that gets you to clean up all the time and the one that keeps your place cluttered. The one that is constantly bugging you to improve your work habits and the one that says you work too hard and need to lay back and take it easy…

By now, you may be getting confused. You could be thinking that only sick people have multiple personalities. Well, there is an illness called multiple personality disorder. But that is not what we are talking about here. We are talking about multiple personalities. We all have them. The question is, are we in touch with them and how can speaking with them help you with Key #2: Having a Healthy Relationship with Yourself.

In my opinion, both written parts work and voice dialogue are amazing ways for a person to enhance their relationship with self. This week we will talk more about how these work and how these practices can calm the inner storms that so often go with life in relationship to any type of addict or dysfunctional person – including oneself!

In the meantime, make that list of your many parts. Think about all of the inner turmoil you experience. Name how the part in charge of that inner turmoil functions, and let’s talk again soon!

Looking forward to writing more about this topic soon and by the way, remember, this Thursday at 11 AM ET is the How Mindfulness Can Help You Become a Loving Mirror. We will speak with Mindfulness Instructor Valerie York Zimmerman AND she will teach participants the 3 Minute Breath Space, a mindfulness technique to calm your angst in a moment or crisis or upset. To sign up, go to Key2: Self . Even if you can’t attend, by signing up you will receive a copy of the recording which will give you the 3 Minute Breath Space to practice with at home!

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post will focus on Key #2: Developing a Relationship with Yourself.

Everyday there is someone you wake up with, go to sleep with, eat with, watch TV with, pray with, talk to, listen to and live with 24/7. You were born together, you will die together and when your relationship is a good one, your life is oh so much more pleasant and easy to handle. But when you hate that someone, you live in constant turmoil.

That someone, if you haven’t already guessed, is yourself.

When the book How to Be Your Own Best Friend first came out in the 70′s, many people laughed. 30 years later, the importance of having a healthy relationship with yourself is well known. Yet, so many of us still battle those inner bad feelings toward ourselves, also known as “Low Self-Esteem”.

Key #2 is dedicated to this important relationship because of the important place this relationship plays in life. If you can’t stand yourself, chances are you don’t much like other people. By the same token, if you find yourself disliking other people, chances are, you don’t much like yourself. Likewise, if you are critical of others, you are probably really hard on yourself and visa-versa.

It’s impossible to escape the consequences of self-disdain and challenging to heal from such negative feelings toward oneself. But, hardly impossible.

To see where you are in this crucial relationship, ask yourself the following questions:

1. When you have nothing to do on a rainy Saturday, and no one you know is available to hang out with you, how do you feel about spending the day alone just relaxing in your own company, no TV, no distractions, just you, yourself, and you?

2. When you make a mistake at work or in front of others, do you feel humiliated and hold on to those feelings, continuing to relive them in your mind, or do you feel you have just had a learning experience and maybe even find yourself using it as an opportunity to enjoy a good laugh at your own imperfections?

3. When someone else isn’t perfect, do you jump on them for their mistakes? Do you, in other words, find the need to “get well on others” (feel better about yourself by making others feel bad about themselves)?

If you have a difficult time spending time by yourself without distractions, it may be you could use some work on that relationship with yourself. If you feel overwhelmingly embarrassed when you make mistakes in front of others, it may mean you could benefit from some work on your relationship with yourself. If you can’t stand imperfection in others and feel compelled to point out their mistakes and maybe even make fun of their gaffs, it may be that you are very critical of yourself, always requiring a level of perfection that you can never quite live up to.

This month, we will look at the relationship with self and talk about some ways to build that relationship, heal the inner rifts that may be holding you back from being your best self, and additional tips on how to improve the quality of that most basic of relationships: the relationship you have with yourself.

Until then,

Be Loving to YOURSELF!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the Twelve Keys to Sanity for Family Members of Addicts

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, over the next year, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post will focus on discovering the traits you need your HP to have for the relationship to work for you. Future posts this month will continue to give you tips on how to build that relationship.

1. Find a quiet place where you won’t be interrupted. Turn off your phone, Internet, and shut the door to the room you are in if at all possible. Sit in a place where you will be most comfortable writing or typing.

2. Make sure you have a notebook and pen or your laptop if you prefer to use the computer. Open it to a new page and title the page ‘Dialogue with HP’ on line one and put the day’s date on line two.

3. Begin by thinking of some questions you would like to ask your Higher Power. Open ended questions for wise counsel rather than fortune telling questions work best with this method of communication. I like to think of this as a way to connect with Higher Wisdom, not a method to get numbers for the Lottery. Some questions could include: How can I communicate most effectively with my using son at this time? or What can I do that would be most helpful to my grieving friend? or what wisdom could you share with me about my situation at work? or How can I best use my talents at this time? or What do You see as my next best step at home/work/with my neighbor, etc.? Jot down your questions for use as you dialogue.

4. Breathe in slowly, either using a breath meditation (as described in Key #1E below) or with a brief prayer of your choice that will help you get into a centered space.

5. Set up your page as you would a script, starting with your name or ‘me’ with a colon on the left side of the page as follows:
Me:
6. Always say hi and ask if your HP is available to talk or willing to answer some questions.

7. Then, put your HP’s name (see Key#1B below for guidance on how to find a HP that works for you), on the next line:
HP:

8. Rather than working hard to think up a response, after you write your greeting, listen to whatever pops into your mind and write it down.

9. Go back to your side of the conversation. Write your question or whatever you want to share and when you are done writing, get back into a listening space, and write what you ‘hear’. (See example of a real dialogue I had with my HP in Key #1H: Spending Time in Dialogue with your Higher Power – part 1 – below.)

10. As you ask and answer, continue to listen for the deepest answer coming your way. Sometimes your connection will feel clear and others, less so. You may ask a question and simply hear silence. That too can be an answer. When that happens, leave a space beside your HP’s name and move to the next question.

11. Other questions may come to mind as you go. This is a conversation. You are working on building a deep, abiding friendship with your HP in this process. Get to know your HP and allow yourself to be known. Sometimes you will be asking questions. Sometimes you will be answering them. Sometimes you will be simply sharing. It is all good.

12. If you feel uncertain as to whether you are communicating with your HP or just a part of your ego, simply ask: ‘Is this my HP or an ego part?’ You will get an honest answer. If an ego part comes in, simply thank them for showing up and let them know you would like to speak with your HP and go back to the dialogue with your HP.

13. When your dialogue is done, always say thank you, even if you haven’t gotten any or many answers and then say good-bye for now. Remember, relationships grow in their own time. This, too, is a process.

If you find yourself facing blocks as you move forward with this and have any questions, send me your questions at bbuncher@beverlybuncher.com or through Contact Us above, and I will try to answer them within the next day or two.

Keep the Doors of Communication Open with Your Higher Power. Remember, as it has been said, ‘If you feel your Higher Power is far from you, it is you who has moved.’ Come back. you are welcome and wanted in this relationship with your HP. Your well-being is of foremost importance!

Next time, let’s talk about Two-Way Prayer and How It Works to Move the Recovery Journey Forward.

See you soon!

Until then,

Have a Loving Day!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”

Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Join me as I partner with In the Rooms in my new group on In the Rooms (www.intherooms.com). The free group is called Coach Bev – The Recovery Coach. Start a discussion! Add to one that is already started! and on Fridays starting on July 1, we will have live discussions from 9-10:30 AM ET when I will be answering YOUR questions about how recovery coaching can help you!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the Four Foundations of Family Recovery

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

If you are an addict or co-addict in recovery and you would like to find your life purpose, call me to set up a complimentary consult! The fun begins when you are fully living YOUR life ON PURPOSE! You can reach me at 786 859 4050 or through email at bbuncher@beverlybuncher.com.

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Ever notice how addicting being involved with an addict or alcoholic can be? The up and down of it that’s almost like an adrenalin rush; the feeling of panic when you are waiting for the addict to come home; the frustration of trying so hard to get through to someone who appears to be completely unreasonable; the continuing obsession of the mind with the addict’s behavior; the isolation and shame that only grow with time.

When the addict is a spouse, a lover or a friend, there is this inexplicable attachment to a person who keeps doing the wrong thing. They act badly and yet, you keep coming back again and again for more. When you confide your situation to others they ask: Why do you stay? “I love him/her” you answer. And a part of you believes that, while another part of you knows that you are as addicted to the addict as the addict is to the drink or fix.

When the addict is your child (whether 16 or 60) you may find yourself helping him or her again and again though the help doesn’t seem to do anything but keep them alive and using their drug of choice. Sobriety seems like the last thing they want or can attain, and yet, you keep giving them the money they need to survive (so they can use all they have for their drug).

Whether it is love or addiction, being with an addict can be all-consuming, but it doesn’t have to be. And in fact, when it isn’t, your ability to help the addict actually increases.

So, it is possible to get your life back, regardless of whether the addict decides to stop using or not. The only question is how?

For one thing, remember the four foundations of family recovery: self-care, being a loving person, setting boundaries, and getting support.

Self care, in particular, can help you get your life back. Self care is key to getting your life back because it takes the addict out of the center of your awareness. Once you begin taking care of yourself, feeling healthy, calm and fit can become a positive addiction. You may take up jogging, swimming, or taking a power walk everyday. All of these activities can help you clear your mind and relax. Every moment spent focusing on a positive, healthy activity or outlet for your energy is time spent letting go of your obsession with the addict.

Make a list of all the things in your life you have been neglecting, from eating healthy, to going to the dentist, to having a yearly physical, to taking a walk, to having fun with friends regularly. Choose one or two this week to add to your life. Continue to add one each week, until you find yourself taking personal responsibility for your own health and well-being.

Untangling your life from that of an addict doesn’t necessarily mean leaving the addict. It does however, mean leaving behind the addictive aspect of your relationship to your addict.Come back to the blog in a day or two to learn about how being a loving person can help you get your life back!

Coach Bev
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC
786 859 4050
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
www.intherooms.com
www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com

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Would you like to have the amazing opportunity to get to know the parts of your self that are holding you back and keeping you from being all that you can?

In two weeks, you will have the opportunity to participate in a Parts Work Teleseminar that will help you do just that! Darren Littlejohn calls it Aspects of Self. My teacher Tim Kelley calls it Parts Work and, in my opinion, takes the concept of communicating with each of the aspects to a much deeper, more profound level.

I do it with my clients all the time and see bold and beautiful transformations take place. Even in my own life, the parts that I have worked with have given me so much! My Bookworm part helped me to remember why I have been buying so many books over the years and is now agreeing to work with me to pare down the number of books I have.

My Inner Critic became my Inner Coach!

My Worrier became my Guardian and Friend.

Reformatting parts to be in alignment with your goals and your purpose can mean the difference between having a life that works and one that hobbles along.

I’ll be retaking this course as part of an advanced seminar I’ll be in and I hope I’ll ‘see’ you there!

For more information, go to: http://www.kickstartcart.com/app/?Clk=3759925 .

To register to sit in on a free teleseminar on June 11th to learn more about the course, go to http://www.kickstartcart.com/app/?Clk=3759926

Then the course will be over just in time for you to find your true purpose in my Life Purpose in Recovery class that starts the week of July 12th!

Make this a summer of healing and purpose! Start it with Parts work and end it with finding your life purpose. Visit my site at www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com to learn more about the purpose work.

If you have any questions, feel free to call me! I’m an avid fan of parts work. I use it with my clients and in my own life as well as a part of my step work. It really helps me with the readiness work of step six. (“Became entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”) Doing the parts work makes the readiness to have God truly remove the defects much easier, the willingness much easier, the sense of being able to let go much less of a struggle!

Give me a call at 786 859 4050 if you would prefer to do the parts work as a coaching client. You may even decide to take the course to get the foundation in parts work and to call for some sessions to solidify your parts work in a private setting!

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC
786 859 4050
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com
www.12stepfamily.com
www.intherooms.com

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Are you trying to figure out if there is more to your life than what you have experienced so far?

Do you know why you are here? What your own specific life purpose truly is?

Isn’t it time you found out?

If you think there is more and have been looking in all the wrong places, that doesn’t mean there isn’t more. There is!
Knowing your unique life purpose and gaining the skills to manifest it is about as cool as life gets!

To help you do so, I’m offering a nine week teleseminar called

True Purpose: Life Purpose in Recovery.

Take this course and take YOUR recovery to the next level and beyond!

Learn more at:

http://www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com/2010/05/more-details-about-upcoming-life.html

Warning: This course is for people who already have some recovery under their belt. To find out if you qualify, take the survey listed on my life purpose in recovery blog (see above) or give me a call at 786 859 4050.

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA CEC
Family Recovery Coach
www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
786 859 4050

And remember to call for a complimentary consult if you are looking for help finding your purpose or with the addiction issues of a relative or a friend or with your own recovery from a substance or behavior of your own.

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Did you ever meet someone who is always cranky? Or constantly complaining about something? Or desparately in need of attention? Chances are, that person is being run by a part of their self that might do better with some healthy, uplifting attention….To learn more about how ego parts could be running your show and what you can do about it, read on…

On Sunday, Darren Littlejohn, author of 12 Step Buddhist, spoke to a large audience of In the Room members in South Florida in a workshop sponsored by In the Rooms and The Treatment Center. The message I got from his talk is that regardless of what we do to grow our recovery, 12 steps are the foundation and looking to enhance the process with additional inner work does really help. In Darren’s case, he is a Buddhist and he shared meditative techniques with the audience as well as a technique he called “Aspects of Self”.

According to Darren, his Zen teacher studied with the creators of Voice Dialogue, Sidra and Hal Stone, and developed a Zen adaptation of their work, which Darren further adapted into what he calls “Aspects of Self”. (An interesting look at Voice Dialogue, developed by the Stones, can be found in their book Embracing Our Selves: The Voice Dialogue Manual, in which they discuss the parts of self that can plague us when kept unconscious, but can add to the strength of one’s self, when respected, accepted and understood.)

In Darren’s ‘Aspects of Self’ part of the workshop, he asked audience members to get in touch with and then “be” different aspects of themselves aloud in answer to specific questions he asked. For instance, he asked people to “be” their controller and then he asked the controllers questions aloud and asked them to answer aloud. Then he called on individuals in the audience to tell the group what they, as the controller, had to say about different things like what their job is, how they get along with others, Higher Power, etc.

The interesting part came when he asked people to take on the persona of the addict within them. One by one, members of the audience shared their feelings as ‘the addict’ and you could feel a subtle shift as people gave voice to their addict and learned from the addict in the people around them.

As someone who does this work a lot, both individually and with clients, in a written form, I found Darren’s workshop valuable in that it opened doors for me to further work with my own inner addict, inner controller, and others who were mentioned.

When I do this work with my clients, I call it ‘Parts Work’. Trained by Tim Kelley, founder of the True Purpose Coaching Method and author of True Purpose: 12 Strategies to Discover the Difference You are Meant to Make, I find parts work to be one of the most powerful tools in my coaching repertoire, especially for clients in recovery from substances, behaviors, and codependency.

Parts work is designed to allow the participant to get to know all of the disparate parts of self that have long been pushed down yet keep popping up and wreaking havoc on everyday life. By forming a respectful relationship with one’s parts, or to use Littlejohn’s language, ‘aspects of self’, the recovering person now has a way to learn more about the motivations behind the character defects that run so much of the show, and gains tools to negotiate with the parts and help them learn new ways of being and becoming aligned with the recovering person’s new, healthier lifestyle.

To take it a step further, when I do Life Purpose work with clients, through which they get detailed, useful information on why they are here and what specific contribution they are meant to make in this lifetime, I teach them parts work to help them break through the blocks that are keeping them from manifesting their purpose. In fact, parts work is an excellent tool to align one’s ego parts with the intention of one’s soul, also known as one’s life purpose.

I completely agree with Darren’s invitation to start with the steps, consider them your foundation, and then move beyond them to gain additional inner and outer growth. They provide us the ability to clean up our relationships with God, ourselves and other human beings. In two weeks, I’ll be leading a 12 step weekend workshop at the GCNA Naranon Memorial Day 2010 Convention at Bahia Mar Hotel. (Go to www.Nar-Anon.org for more information on this convention or contact me) I do this work with others because of the foundational nature of the steps to recovery. They provide a priceless paradigm for recovery that is open to enhancement and expansion. Indeed, for many of us, there is more out there to help us grow that can help us go even further in these three vital relationships of God, self and other that the Steps guide us to heal. Therapy, coaching, and meditative practices to name a few.

Parts Work, too, is one of the many paths available to bring about this inner healing. Neither Darren, nor Tim Kelley, nor the Stones, invented the idea of addressing the parts of the ego and becoming a more integrated, whole person as a result. In the 1970′s, Depth Psychologist Ira Progoff wrote At A Journal Workshop: Writing to Access the Power of the Unconscious and Evoke Creative Ability which includes an entire section called The Dialogue Dimension, in which he has participants do dialogues with persons, works, the body, events, situations and circumstances and society. In a later chapter, he invites them to dialogue with their Inner Wisdom. (For more information, go to www.intensivejournal.org.)

I attended his Intensive Journal workshops regularly through the 1980′s and found them hugely helpful in my ability to grow my relationship with my Higher Power as well as to better understand my relationship to my body and wrote an article on the intensive journal and the 12 steps (under the pseudonym Jane A.) which I will be happy to send you if you contact me. Now, as a result of studying with Tim, I’ve taken this work much further, both in relation to my ego parts and in relation to Higher Power, which he refers to as ‘Trusted Source’.

Tim Kelley’s unique contribution to this work can be found in his approach which guides clients to align parts to purpose. Through working with Tim and then sharing this work with my clients in recovery, I’ve witnessed and had the privilege of being a part of transformations that have allowed people to move forward tremendously in their recovery and in their lives. You can order Tim’s book True Purpose by going to http://www.kickstartcart.com/app/?af=1043560 .

If you would like to learn more about parts work and/or the life purpose in recovery work that I do with clients, please contact me for a complimentary consult or visit my blog at www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com and take the survey to see if you have enough recovery under your belt to do this work and find your life purpose. I am more than willing to meet with you by phone or in person to introduce you to this work and help you find how it could help you move your recovery to the next level!

Til next time,

All the best!

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA CEC CLPF
Family Recovery Coach (aka The Empowerment Coach)
www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.familyrecoverycoach.org

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