12 Step Family

Your addict is newly sober! It’s what you’ve dreamed of for years and “suddenly” it is here! While they are still in treatment, you feel safe and secure. You know where they are every night. There is no worrying, no fear. But then they come home. Now what? This is part one of a series called “Living with Sobriety”. I’ll be writing at least three of these. Would love to hear your thoughts, feelings and questions. To send me your responses to this post, add your comment below or email me at bbuncher@beverlybuncher.com .

For the family of an addict or alcoholic, life in early sobriety can be a continuation of the roller coaster ride of addiction. Yet, it’s an entirely new experience in a very new theme park. The addict is now who they always were with one exception: no drugs or alcohol. And what an exception that is!

But if you are expecting that once your loved one stops using all your troubles are over, think again. For many families, this time could be fraught with any number of challenges, such as:

• your concern that the sobriety won’t last
• your surprise and disappointment when they want to spend most of their time with their other sober friends and very little of it with the family
• their lack of interest in family events and activities
• their lack of interest in helping out around the house
• they may have no job and no interest in getting one at least for awhile
• they may display a lack of general productivity
• they may become total workaholics to make up for lost time
• they may be indifferent to focusing on their recovery
• fill in the blanks for whatever challenges the new sobriety is bringing to your home.

So, what is a family to do?

In a family I know, when the husband first got sober 30 years ago, the wife was complaining to Frank, an AA/Alanon friend, that her husband wasn’t helping around the house the way he used to. The dishes were piling up, as was the laundry. The wife explained that she used to be able to count on him to go to the laundry room at least 3x per week and that had made her life so much easier (it later came out during his active addiction he had a habit of going to the laundry room to do lines of cocaine along with each load of clothes – but she didn’t yet know that!).

Now she had to do everything herself and all her husband wanted to do was go to meetings, hang out with his new friends, take naps, watch TV and work a few hours a day. She didn’t like it. Plus, he would not go to family events no matter how much she guilted or nagged him. The house was getting to be a mess because she wasn’t cleaning up after him and he had suddenly become a slob.

Her friend Frank’s answer, “If you want clean dishes, clean them. If you want clean laundry, wash it. If you want a neat house, pick up whatever is lying around. If you want to go to family events, go. If not, leave everything exactly where it is. What he does or does not do is none of your business. In other words,” he concluded, “Sit down, shut up, and smile.”

Frank further enlightened the wife on the first year of sobriety by explaining that it was probably taking every bit of her husband’s energy reserves to stay sober and figure out this new way of living without substances. And that if she liked the idea of living with someone sober, it would be in her best interest, for the next year, to simply do her own thing, treat him with dignity and respect, and not have any expectations of what he would or would not do to improve the quality of her life, their home or their family life.

At first, she felt angry. After all, she didn’t go through all that she had gone through to be single while married!!!

But then, she listened some more. Frank went on to explain that if she took care of herself and her responsibilities without putting pressure on her recovering husband over the course of the first year and if she went to meetings and worked her own program, she would most likely find that after a year or so, with his sobriety becoming an established habit, he would begin to reestablish himself as a contributing member of their coupleship and the family as well.

Mmmm…she thought about it and decided to take her wise friend’s words seriously. Frank had been sober for many years himself, was a member of Alanon too, and understood the dynamic of what happens in early sobriety and what it takes to make it stick.

So, she did a few things differently: she started taking care of those household chores that mattered to her and stopped nagging her husband to pull his weight, knowing that most of his energy was needed at that point in time to stay on the recovery path.

If a social or family event came up, instead of bugging him to go, she went if she wanted to and stayed home if she didn’t. When people asked where he was, she told them whatever she felt like telling them – usually something like: he couldn’t make it or he was busy or he was tired or he needed some at home time or he had a meeting – and she stopped caring about what they must be thinking or how she and her husband were ‘fitting in’ with those around them.

In other words. she got her priorities straight. She put her husband’s sobriety and the future their family first. She saw that if she was willing to be patient and keep the focus of her own “improvement advice” on herself rather than on him, she could contribute to a sober future for their family.

But, what about his behavior, you may ask. Was he this perfect sober person? Was he acting in ways that were risking his sobriety and if she saw them what did she do? Honestly, those are great questions. I’m glad you asked! There were times, at the beginning of her husband’s first sobriety and at the beginning of his latest and current sobriety which began 10 years ago, when she was worried.

When she noticed behaviors which indicated a potential back slide, what she  learned over the years was that “Sit down, Shut up and Smile” (also known as the three S’s) does not apply to these situations in the same way it applies to household chores and social events.

What she learned works instead, and what I teach,  is that Being a Loving Mirror (TM) is just as valid and important in early sobriety (and throughout a relationship really) as it is when an addict is using. And here is how to use it in early sobriety:

• If you notice your loved one skipping meetings, speaking in ways that are reminiscent of his  addiction days, yelling at you (if for instance he was a rage-aholic during his addiction), or acting in other ways that set off an alarm that he might be sliding backwards or about to, find a quiet time to speak privately with him and let him know what you are seeing, without judgement or anger, just factually.
• In the beginning, let your partner know that you are  going to be a new kind of partner to him, that you are no longer going to watch him act in ways that seemed dangerous or scary to you and ignore them, or yell about them, or beg or plead or talk about them behind his back. Instead, that you are going to name them to him objectively so he can count on having someone watching his back.
• If your loved one wants wellness and sobriety, he will probably be glad to have you do it theoretically, though, in the moment of your giving him the feedback it will probably be the last thing he wants to hear.
•  That’s why the loving mirror approach is so powerful. You state what you see without emotion, provide your boundaries in the situation (if appropriate and necessary), and then stop. No long lectures, no opinions, no nagging.
• Facts, boundaries, stop.

Of course, this is a sensitive process that often requires support to learn, practice and pull off and it is what I help my clients figure out when and how to most effectively do. In many families, this happens several times in early sobriety, and your willingness to be there, without judgment, as a mirror of what is going on, will give your loved one additional nugget of feedback to more quickly get back on track.

This is not about you being so powerful. It’s about learning tools that have the best chance of making a difference. Of course, it will be  up to your loved one to respond and wake back up. That part  is not ever in the family member’s hands. Results are out of your hands as a family member of an addicted loved one.

Only the power to respond powerfully with recovery principles is yours to embrace. Detachment in early sobriety means letting go of the results. Sometimes, to encourage a united family approach to this work, I work with both family member and the recovering loved one, at least for a short time,  to help both get on the same page vis-a-vis communication and growing together.

During your loved one’s first year of sobriety,  start looking at how you want to live and begin doing so! Find some new interests and friends and begin enjoying your life more, and  let go of the worry of what your loved one might be doing or not doing.

Interestingly enough, at the end of the first year, the wife I told you about above noticed a slight shift in her husband. He began to want to attend family events. He started offering to do the dishes occasionally or even cook dinner. They started to go to meetings together as well as have coffee with couples they met who were in AA and Alanon, and they started to enjoy a family life that over the years grew into something much better than what they had had before he got sober or during that first year.

In sum, the lessons of going through early sobriety with a loved one are very similar to going through active using with them:

• Keep the focus on yourself
• Treat your loved one with dignity and respect
• Be a Loving Mirror - give honest, objective, loving feedback to what you are seeing – and then let go of results and get the focus back on yourself.
• Use recovery principles to guide your life
• Let go of expectations

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This morning I began writing my blog for family members. I decided to focus on life in sobriety. As I started writing, I found myself writing just about what I usually write for families struggling with using addicts  - and then it hit me! There is only one message.

One message when they are using and one message when they get sober. In one word, it is LOVE. In several, it is: Focus on yourself and communicate lovingly. This one message, of loving yourself and loving the addict above all else, is powerful, effective, and easier said than done. So, I’ve decided to write about the nitty gritty details over the next few posts.

We will start with early sobriety (year one). I think I’ll call that one: Sit down, shut up and smile.

Then we will go into developing sobriety (years 2-5). I think I’ll call that: Get a life!

And finally, we will discuss, ongoing sobriety, where life simply is and the memory of the using days are but a distant memory. That one, I’ll call: Be vigilant – about your own recovery!

So, look for these upcoming posts. They may come out slowly or quickly as life has been getting in the way of my writing, but out they will come!

Looking forward to communicating with you as we look at this issue of how to living with a clean and sober loved one! Please feel free to send me your letters and quieries on this topic of being a family member of a sober addict or alcoholic! Would love to anonyously publish your letters and answer them. Chances are, if you have a question, others have it too!

Best to you and yours!

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

Family Recovery Coach

Be A Loving Mirror!!! (BALM)

786 859 4050

www.beverlybuncher.com

To sign up for a complimentary session with Coach Bev, click here.

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Hi Everyone!

Dealing with an addict’s behavior is one of the toughest things a family member, friend or work colleague can be asked to do! My colleague Melissa Killeen calls the harm done to the family part of the collateral damage of addiction and she asked me, as an expert in family recovery coaching, to list some tips to help family members deal with their addict’s behaviors. So I did. Click here to see that post.

Melissa is a recovery coach for business owners who are in recovery, perhaps just getting out of treatment,  go the the next step by dealing with the collateral damage of their addiction. She has the coaching, recovery, and business expertise to help the newly sober do the work to reestablish their lives effectively.  We work well together, she with the business owner and I with their family.

In addition, once a person is established in their sobriety, one thing I do is help them figure out the contribution they are meant to make in their life through my Life Purpose in Recovery Coaching. (To learn more about this or any other services I offer, click here.)

Hope we will have the opportunity to serve you! Check out the recent post I wrote for Melissa’s blog by clicking here. Once you get to the blog, you will also have access to her wide range of recovery coaching information  as well!

Best to you and yours,

Coach Bev

To set up a complimentary coaching session with me, click here.

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 Key 5: The 6 Stages of Change,  can make all the difference in your understanding of what your loved one is facing as they struggle to free themselves from their addictive behaviors. This post will look at stage one: pre-contemplation and how to help your loved one wake up from the denial it brings.

 The 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members are designed to provide family members of addicts  with a variety of strong recovery principles and models to help them face the challenges of  loving anyone struggling with addictive behaviors. This month, our focus is on Key 6: The 6 Stages of Change.

There is something interesting about relationships. Just when you think they are over, something can happen to wake up the love again. Something can occur to reignite the spark or get things back on track. The hardest time to remember this is when things feel hopeless.

Lately, many of the people who have been calling for help or writing in about their situations have been worried about their marriages. Three different people  in the last week have shared, “I feel so sad about what’s happened to my marriage.” “I’m afraid that the way we are relating is hurting our children.” “I just feel so unhappy in this relationship.”  ”I wish I could figure out how to get out now, but I’m afraid to leave.”

Being in a relationship is hard enough. Add addiction to the mix and things can get overwhelming.  Communication gets muddled, feelings get trampled on, judgment runs amok.

According to my readers, my clients, my sponsees, (and my own memories of life with an active addict), one day, the good times seem imminent again. The next, as distant as the moon. One moment is filled with laughter, the next with tears. The judgments, the fears, the resentments, all of these go hand in hand with living with and/or loving a person struggling with addictive behaviors or substances.

So,when do you give up? How do you decide whether to stay or to leave?

When I was a newlywed, dealing with a spouse who was using, I would literally spin from ‘should I go?’ to ‘should I leave?’ hundreds of times in a day. Then, one day, I decided to take a new approach.

I took out my calendar and went three months ahead in time and wrote in the words “How are things now?”.  Then I went ahead three more months in the calendar and wrote it again: “How are things now?” Then I went ahead three more months and three more months after that and wrote again: “How are things now?”

Meanwhile, along with these calendar reminders, I made a decision to stay, one day at a time, in between those dates. So, when the thought came, ‘should I stay? should I go?’ , I simply said to myself, “For today, I’m here. I’m staying. I’m making a decision to be loving, and I’m taking care of myself.”

Now you will notice that I SIMPLY said these words to myself. Simple is not the same as easy. The work over that next year was work I largely did on myself, on my recovery, on my state of mind. Interestingly enough, the more I focused on myself, on my own willingness to take care of myself, to be loving, to set healthy boundaries, to get the support I needed to grow and develop fully, the less pressure I was putting on the relationship to fulfill me and the better the relationship got!

Not overnight, and there were some very difficult times along the way. But, the beauty of letting go of demanding that a relationship get better in order to stay, is that by letting go and working on ourselves, we give the other person and the relationship itself the space necessary to grow and develop as well!

Over the years, things have not been perfect in my relationship with my spouse. I am not perfect and neither is he. Nor will we ever be. When things got tough over the years (and I am talking about during our many years of sobriety and overall success in many areas of our life), I would get additional support by going to a therapist or counselor (and later to a life coach).  I have found short-term therapy and coaching to be useful, in addition to meetings and working with a sponsor, to help me deal with what was bothering me about my life with my spouse, the stresses at work and my personal issues.

Over the years, when  I started with a new therapist, I would always preface the relationship with this: “I am here to work on myself and to learn new ways to deal with my life. I am not here to move toward a divorce. That is not an option.” I found it necessary to express that to therapists in the beginning as it seemed to be an option all too available and acceptable, one that I did not want to consider. That worked for me.

Today, with 26 years of marriage, the hope for 26 or more ahead,and no guarantees, I carry a lesson that really helped me get this far: No matter how bad things get in the marital relationship or how good things get, the only thing I can count on is that they will change. The good times will follow the bad and the bad will follow the good.Leaving when things are really bad, precludes the possibility of them getting better…and, if I am working on myself and practicing being a loving mirror with my spouse, they almost always will.  This is important for me to remember and I freely share it with people who have less time in their marriage.

I learned early on in recovery that counting on another person to make me happy would never work, that counting on another person to fill me up would never work and that counting on a spouse to do what I wanted him to do or be would simply never happen.

Each of us is on our own journey. We come into this world alone and leave it alone with our only lifelong companion: ourselves.

Choosing to share a marital journey with another person means sharing lots of ups and downs. Yes, as family members affected by addiction, we do experience what may feel like more than our fair share of the downs. But, the key to happiness is not to be found in a marriage or a job or a house or a specific amount of money. Rather, it is to be found in ourselves.

The gift of being with someone who is struggling is that, in order to be happy, we really do need to learn the lesson of relying on our own inner joy to carry us through the sometimes very rough times. I have found it a very precious gift and the person who I love has, to be quite honest, not had the easiest time loving me either. Together we have learned to love and be loving at times when it doesn’t seem there is much love being returned. This has made each of us stronger within ourselves, and made the times when we are in sync even more precious.

Would love to hear your take on getting through the difficult times in your relationship!

Stay tuned to this blog to learn about next week’s Free Loving Mirror Teleseminar! More details will be coming soon!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

www.beverlybuncher.com

786 859 4050

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 Key 5, The 6 Stages of Change,  can make all the difference in your understanding of what your loved one is facing as they struggle to free themselves from their addictive behaviors. The Stages of Change Model can also help YOU understand what it takes to move from your co-addictive behavior, to the detached, loving behavior that will free you from misery AND be most likely to have a positive impact on your loved one. The 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members are designed to provide family members of addicts  with a variety of strong recovery principles and models to help them face the challenges of  loving anyone struggling with addictive behaviors. This month, our focus is on Key 6: The 6 Stages of Change.

Ever try to break a habit? Not easy is it? And the 6  Stages of Change Model will help you understand why – and how –  to break through to success!

Perhaps you have counted on the 21 day idea to get you through – Namely, that if you practice a new behavior for 21 days, you will have momentum that will allow you to more easily move forward to breaking the habit for good. I like that idea and have used it to get me over the hump of difficult changes I am seeking.

But there is more to the picture. The 21 days start once you have begun taking action on your change. What about the days leading up to the very first day you stop an old habit or start a new one?

According to researcher James Prochaska, PhD, those pre-days are just as important, if not more so, than the first 21 days of the action steps. Prochaska’s research on how people change habitual behaviors has resulted in The 6 Stages of Change Model, which is taught in universities and to patients in substance abuse treatment centers all over the world.

If you want to change a behavior in your life, and according to Prochaska, each one of us is in the process of changing 3-4 things in our lives at any given time, you will want to become familiar with this model, as its stages and how you go through them could determine the difference between your success or failure this time around. Most changes take 3-4 spins through the stages to take hold, Prochaska says. But, by becoming familiar with the stages, a self-changer can improve their ability to handle each of the stages more effectively and perhaps reduce the number of retreads they will need to succeed.

Prochaska outlines the process in his book Changing for Good: A Revolutionary Six-Stage Program for Overcoming Bad Habits and Moving Your Life Forward (Harper Paperback, 2006).

If you would like to learn more about the Stages of Change model and reading the book is not on your immediate agenda, keep reading this month’s blog entries. We will look at the Stages of Change model, stage by stage, with tips on how to help yourself or a loved one move forward from stage to stage!

If you would like to begin with an immediate brief overview of the 6 Stages of Change model, click here and I will send you an article that briefly explains each stage for you.

In the meantime, have a Loving Day!

Best,

Coach Bev

www.beverlybuncher.com

786 859 4050

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post is the seventh in a month-long series on Key Four. This Key is known as the Four C’s: “You Didn’t Cause It, You Can’t Control It, You Can’t Cure It. BUT, You DON’T Have to Contribute To It.”

The ability to Be A Loving Mirror (BALM) takes motivation and understanding. Last month we learned about the three relationships (that with God, self, and others) and how to develop them to help you regain your peace and sanity. Next, There are four cornerstones to help you build the understanding you need to move forward through the four foundations to the goal of Being A Loving Mirror. The first cornerstone is the Four C’s. Learn the 4 C’s well. They will play a KEY role in allowing you to experience the sanity of family recovery. This post, What It Means to NOT Contribute to the Addiction is part seven of a serialization of my chapter on the 4 C’s in my upcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity.

So, What Does It Mean to ‘not contribute to the addiction’?

As you know, there are behaviors you have learned over the years of living with an addict, and though your addict may still be using, those behaviors of yours stay around, hoping beyond hope to fix the situation. In order to stop contributing to your loved one’s addiction, it will be your job to learn new behaviors to replace the old, dysfunctional ones. In order to not contribute to the addiction, you will learn in this book(and through the rest of this year of of posts on the 12 Keys) how to:

1. Stop enabling
2. Stop being judgmental of the addict
3. Stop being unkind
4. Start treating the addict with dignity and respect simply on the basis of the addict being a human being
5. Be a mirror to your addict
6. Set boundaries for your own good
7. Allow the addict to meet her own responsibilities without interference from you in the form of rescuing, providing money, etc.
8. Take care of yourself. Put your own well-being first and be a role model of well-being for the addict.
9. Get support to help you learn how to do all of these things.
10. Stop picking on everything the addict does and says.
11. Stop commenting on every addictive behavior the addict exhibits. She is an addict. How else do you expect her to behave?

You will read much more about these as you traverse these posts and my upcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity. But this or any book is only a beginning, as recovery IS a lifelong journey. Each of the 12 Keys has a self-assessment to help you see where you are on the journey. These assessments will appear in my upcoming book! Take and retake these assessments to help you keep track of your own growth. And, hang on, we’ve only just begun!

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post is the sixth in a month-long series on Key Four. This Key is known as the Four C’s: “You Didn’t Cause It, You Can’t Control It, You Can’t Cure It. BUT, You DON’T Have to Contribute To It.”

The ability to Be A Loving Mirror (BALM) takes motivation and understanding. Last month we learned about the three relationships (that with God, self, and others) and how to develop them to help you regain your peace and sanity. Next, There are four cornerstones to help you build the understanding you need to move forward through the four foundations to the goal of Being A Loving Mirror. The first cornerstone is the Four C’s. Learn the 4 C’s well. They will play a KEY role in allowing you to experience the sanity of family recovery. This post, Recovery for the Addict and the Co-Addict is part six of a serialization of my chapter on the 4 C’s in my upcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity.

Recovery for the Addict

This is what every family member dreams of, prays for, and works for: recovery for the addict. So, just what is it, how does it happen and, and though we know we are powerless over a cure, how can we help it occur?
Recovery for the addict is a process. While some addicts appear to simply stop one day, there is a whole lot going on under the surface that made that action possible (see the chapter on The Six Stages of Change).

Recovery often happens when the addict ‘hits bottom’, but this isn’t always necessary. Education can lead an addict to recovery as can smaller consequences along the way. The miracle of recovery is seen in the restoration of body, mind and relationships, at least with those who are willing to forgive the addict for all that happened during the active days of addiction.

Here’s what is important for you to know: your addict’s recovery has a better chance of happening and maintaining, when you and the family are supportive. But, an addict can get and stay sober without any family or friends around. What I’m saying is that an addict’s recovery is totally between himself and his Higher Power, but:

• Can be slowed down by dysfunctional behavior on the part of the family
• Can be hastened by the functional behavior of the family members
• Can be responsive to outside input given at the right time and in the right way (see chapter 3 on the six stages of change).

Family Recovery

So, now let’s talk about your recovery. By now I hope you are beginning to see why it might be a good idea to consider pursuing your own recovery. Just as in the addict’s case, family recovery is a process. It takes times to restore sanity, to heal relationships, to gain the capacity to respond serenely and quietly to previously enraging situations.

While there is no guarantee of what will happen to the addict if you do recover, make no mistake about it: You are your addict’s BEST chance of recovering and staying recovered…just not in the ways you previously thought! (and you will learn more about that in Key 7 and a later chapter of the book!)

If you would like to learn more about the 4 C’s, join me for a conversation this Wednesday evening, September 21, 2011, for my Monthly Free Loving Mirror Teleseminar. To learn more and to sign up for the teleseminar and a free recording, click here. . Looking forward to sharing my experience strength, strength and hope on the 4 C’s, hearing yours, and answering any questions you may have about how to stop contributing to your loved one’s addiction and how to start contributing to their recovery!

Until then,

All the best to you and yours,

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC
Family Recovery Coach
www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

Helping families blaze the trail to sobriety in their homes.

Click here for a complimentary consult with Coach Bev

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post is the fifth in a month-long series on Key Four. This Key is known as the Four C’s: “You Didn’t Cause It, You Can’t Control It, You Can’t Cure It. BUT, You DON’T Have to Contribute To It.”

The ability to Be A Loving Mirror (BALM) takes motivation and understanding. Last month we learned about the three relationships (that with God, self, and others) and how to develop them to help you regain your peace and sanity. Next, There are four cornerstones to help you build the understanding you need to move forward through the four foundations to the goal of Being A Loving Mirror. The first cornerstone is the Four C’s. Learn the 4 C’s well. They will play a KEY role in allowing you to experience the sanity of family recovery. This post, Beginning to Understand Addiction and Co-addiction is part five of a serialization of my chapter on the 4 C’s in my upcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity.

Understanding Addiction

Addiction
As explained in previous posts, and as newly understood by the American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM), addiction is a brain disorder, not a moral or behavioral problem.

It is biological in that compulsive use of a substance or compulsive repetition of an addictive behavior often changes the way the brain responds to stimuli. It is often environmental in that you can find families where addiction of one sort or another has been present for generations.

And in many cases, it has shown to be genetic, in that when separated twins have been studied where alcoholism, for instance, was present in the family of origin, often both twins are afflicted, regardless of the alcoholic predisposition of their adopted family. The Alcoholics Anonymous textbook quotes their founding physician Dr. Silkworth who called alcoholism “an obsession of the mind and an allergy of the body” In other words, for whatever reason, alcoholics have become unable to metabolize the alcohol and yet cannot stop seeking it out and drinking it. Sadly, over time this compulsive use of the substance destroys the body and the mind of the addict. The AA text also refers to the alcoholic as being “like a hurricane” running through the lives of the people around him or her – as any co-addict knows from their own experience to be true.

Co-Addiction

Co-addiction shares many of the traits of the addiction itself. It shows up in brain studies as a behavior that changes how the brain reacts to stimuli. In other words, the codependent behavior itself becomes an addiction that the brain rewards and its absence creates a longing and seeming withdrawal in the reward pathways of the brain that can make the co-addict feel particularly anxious unless behaving co-dependently.

It is often environmental in that parents married to or who are children of addicts model codependent behaviors that their children pick up on and pass down through the generations.

There has not been a genetic link found to codependent behavior…yet.

Co-addiction, too, is an obsession of the mind and over time becomes as difficult to stop as any addiction as it has become the way the co-addict thinks about and relates to the addict. And, ultimately, because codependent thoughts chain us to a need to fix others, co-addictive behavior is harmful both to the addict and the co-addict him or herself.

Of course this brief introduction is just that, brief and an introduction to addiction and co-addiction. But it is only meant to help you further understand why the 4 C’s are so important for you to understand. In our next post, we will talk about recovery for the addict and the family member. See you then!

This Wednesday evening, September 21, 2011, from 8:30 to 9:30 PM, I will be leading a discussion on the Four C’s on my free monthly Loving Mirror Teleseminar. Please click here to participate in what promises to be a lively, informative discussion. Bring your questions and let’s look at this important Cornerstone of Family Recovery: The Four C’s. Would love to ‘see’ you there!

–
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

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Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post is the fourth in a month-long series on Key Four. This Key is known as the Four C’s: “You Didn’t Cause It, You Can’t Control It, You Can’t Cure It. BUT, You DON’T Have to Contribute To It.”

The ability to Be A Loving Mirror (BALM) takes motivation and understanding. Last month we learned about the three relationships (that with God, self, and others) and how to develop them to help you regain your peace and sanity. Next, There are four cornerstones to help you build the understanding you need to move forward through the four foundations to the goal of Being A Loving Mirror. The first cornerstone is the Four C’s. Learn the 4 C’s well. They will play a KEY role in allowing you to experience the sanity of family recovery. This post, BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO CONTRIBUTE TO IT is part four of a serialization of my chapter on the 4 C’s in my upcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity.

But You Don’t Have To Contribute To it

By now, perhaps you are feeling a combination of relief and hopelessness. I’ve told you it’s not your fault your addict uses (Whew! What a relief!) But I’ve also told you that you can’t control or cure the using no matter what you do (Oh no! So now what do I do?).

The way you may be feeling right now, is why I’ve never felt the three C’s are enough information to help family members in their recovery. Fortunately for me, when I first got into recovery I learned about the fourth C and it has made ALL the difference in my life and the life of my family. Once we understand that we didn’t cause it, we can’t control it, and we can’t cure it, it is time to look at our own behavior.

When family members first come in contact with a recovery coach , coaching group, treatment center or Alanon meeting, they can often be heard saying, “Why do I need help? I’m not the one with the problem?” My answer in response to that can be found in the 4 C’s, especially the fourth one: You don’t have to contribute to it!

Though we didn’t cause it, can’t control it and cannot cure it, there are things we can do that could either make the situation better or worse and it is our choice as to whether we want to contribute to our addict’s disease process or to their potential recovery.

By the end of this month of posts, you will know exactly what those things are! Meanwhile, as background to understand this, stay tuned to my next post, where we will begin to understand addiction, co-addiction, and recovery for both the addict and the co-addict.

If you are finding yourself unable to wait, click here for the full chapter (in an older edition) and lots of other 12 Keys handouts, recordings, and information.

–
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

Continue Reading

Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post is the third in a month-long series on Key Four, which is the first of the Four Cornerstones. This Key is known as the Four C’s: “You Didn’t Cause It, You Can’t Control It, You Can’t Cure It. BUT, You DON’T Have to Contribute To It.”

The ability to Be A Loving Mirror (BALM) takes motivation and understanding. Last month we learned about the three relationships (that with God, self, and others) and how to develop them to help you regain your peace and sanity. Next, There are four cornerstones to help you build the understanding you need to move forward through the four foundations to the goal of Being A Loving Mirror. The first cornerstone is the Four C’s. Learn the 4 C’s well. They will play a KEY role in allowing you to experience the sanity of family recovery. This post, YOU CAN’T CURE THEIR ADDICTION is part three of a serialization of my chapter on the 4 C’s in my upcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity.

You Can’t Cure Your Loved One’s Addiction

After awhile, a person trying to fight off a fire with a glass of water gives up, just as does a person trying to swim upstream. In the case of someone who loves an addict, trying often goes on long after hopelessness sets in. After all, there MUST be a cure for this. You knew this person before they got crazy, addicted, mean, etc. And you LOVE them. If anyone can solve this crisis, it is you.

And so, you start on a quest to solve the problem: to cure them of their addiction. Though well meant, these efforts are often misdirected. To help you understand how and why, it is important to understand the construct that guides the ideas in this book: the disease concept.

As the American Medical Association, SAMHSA (the Substance Abuse/Mental Health Services Administration) the National Institute of Drug Abuse (NIDA) and most other health and human services agencies and experts see it, addiction is a disease that, at this time in history, can be arrested but not cured. That being the case, you may want to accept that if the greatest medical minds cannot yet cure this disease, maybe you can’t either.

Here is a recent quote for you to ponder as well:
“After four years of work involving 80 experts, the American Society of Addiction Medicine is redefining addiction—to alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, and more—as a brain disorder, updating its former classification as a behavioral problem, reports Live Science. Addiction is also now considered a primary and chronic disorder, meaning it is not the result of stress, abuse, or other causes, and it needs to be treated over a patient’s lifetime, just as one would deal with a chronic disease like diabetes.

ASAM officials were swayed in part due to advancements in neuroscience over the last 20 years, which have shed light on the fact that the brain circuitry that regulates impulse control and judgment is altered in addicts’ brains. “We have to stop moralizing, blaming, controlling or smirking at the person with the disease of addiction,” said an addiction researcher. “The disease is about brains, not drugs.” ” www.newser.com

This new official categorization of addiction as being about the brain and not a moral issue, is crucial to our understanding of this C – which Alanon wrote so many years ago! YOU cannot cure it!

This disease is an inside job for the addict to work on. For some, that will mean finding a Higher Power of their understanding to heal and guide them. For others, recovery meetings will be the answer. For others still, in-patient or outpatient treatment.

For others, it may mean going through a process of trying to control their consumption or finding that they cannot handle even a drop of alcohol or drugs and reaching a bottom that makes it more painful to pick up their drug of choice than to not do so.

You can force circumstances sometimes, but you cannot force results. It’s a process of discovery they have to go through themselves. When family members try to cure their addicted loved ones, the family members often find themselves getting sick and making things worse for the addict.

What would it take for you to admit that you cannot cure this disease? That it is beyond your skills and capabilities to heal this person who you love so much? In the 12 step program Nar-Anon, the difficulty of this admission is reflected in the first step: “We admitted we were powerless over the addict, that our lives had become unmanageable.” After trying and trying, many family members report that eventually they found that curing their addict was a hopeless endeavor for them to pursue and that in fact, tearing themselves apart trying to stop the drinking or drugging often ended up:

• Destroying any semblance of a relationship they had left with the addict
• Giving the addict an excuse to blame them for his/her troubles
• Turned the family member into an obsessive person with no interest in anything other than fixing something that could not be fixed. As a result, the family member became boring, depressed, isolated, and alone.

In our next post we will continue this serialization of the 4 C’s chapter with the 4th C: But You Don’t Have to Contribute to It. Stay tuned!

Feeling impatient and want to read a first edition of the whole chapter on the 4 C’s? Click here and you will receive this article and other 12 Keys information, recordings, and handouts.

–
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”

Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

Continue Reading