12 Step Family » Drug Prevention

Key 4 E: The Four C's – Part 5: Beginning to Understand the Nature of Addiction and Co-Addiction

beverlybuncher — Sun, 18 Sep 2011 02:30:55 +0000

Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post is the fifth in a month-long series on Key Four. This Key is known as the Four C’s: “You Didn’t Cause It, You Can’t Control It, You Can’t Cure It. BUT, You DON’T Have to Contribute To It.”

The ability to Be A Loving Mirror (BALM) takes motivation and understanding. Last month we learned about the three relationships (that with God, self, and others) and how to develop them to help you regain your peace and sanity. Next, There are four cornerstones to help you build the understanding you need to move forward through the four foundations to the goal of Being A Loving Mirror. The first cornerstone is the Four C’s. Learn the 4 C’s well. They will play a KEY role in allowing you to experience the sanity of family recovery. This post, Beginning to Understand Addiction and Co-addiction is part five of a serialization of my chapter on the 4 C’s in my upcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity.

Understanding Addiction

Addiction
As explained in previous posts, and as newly understood by the American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM), addiction is a brain disorder, not a moral or behavioral problem.

It is biological in that compulsive use of a substance or compulsive repetition of an addictive behavior often changes the way the brain responds to stimuli. It is often environmental in that you can find families where addiction of one sort or another has been present for generations.

And in many cases, it has shown to be genetic, in that when separated twins have been studied where alcoholism, for instance, was present in the family of origin, often both twins are afflicted, regardless of the alcoholic predisposition of their adopted family. The Alcoholics Anonymous textbook quotes their founding physician Dr. Silkworth who called alcoholism “an obsession of the mind and an allergy of the body” In other words, for whatever reason, alcoholics have become unable to metabolize the alcohol and yet cannot stop seeking it out and drinking it. Sadly, over time this compulsive use of the substance destroys the body and the mind of the addict. The AA text also refers to the alcoholic as being “like a hurricane” running through the lives of the people around him or her – as any co-addict knows from their own experience to be true.

Co-Addiction

Co-addiction shares many of the traits of the addiction itself. It shows up in brain studies as a behavior that changes how the brain reacts to stimuli. In other words, the codependent behavior itself becomes an addiction that the brain rewards and its absence creates a longing and seeming withdrawal in the reward pathways of the brain that can make the co-addict feel particularly anxious unless behaving co-dependently.

It is often environmental in that parents married to or who are children of addicts model codependent behaviors that their children pick up on and pass down through the generations.

There has not been a genetic link found to codependent behavior…yet.

Co-addiction, too, is an obsession of the mind and over time becomes as difficult to stop as any addiction as it has become the way the co-addict thinks about and relates to the addict. And, ultimately, because codependent thoughts chain us to a need to fix others, co-addictive behavior is harmful both to the addict and the co-addict him or herself.

Of course this brief introduction is just that, brief and an introduction to addiction and co-addiction. But it is only meant to help you further understand why the 4 C’s are so important for you to understand. In our next post, we will talk about recovery for the addict and the family member. See you then!

This Wednesday evening, September 21, 2011, from 8:30 to 9:30 PM, I will be leading a discussion on the Four C’s on my free monthly Loving Mirror Teleseminar. Please click here to participate in what promises to be a lively, informative discussion. Bring your questions and let’s look at this important Cornerstone of Family Recovery: The Four C’s. Would love to ‘see’ you there!

–
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

Key 4D: The Four C's – Part 4: But You Don't Have to Contribute to It!!!

beverlybuncher — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 12:28:04 +0000

Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post is the fourth in a month-long series on Key Four. This Key is known as the Four C’s: “You Didn’t Cause It, You Can’t Control It, You Can’t Cure It. BUT, You DON’T Have to Contribute To It.”

The ability to Be A Loving Mirror (BALM) takes motivation and understanding. Last month we learned about the three relationships (that with God, self, and others) and how to develop them to help you regain your peace and sanity. Next, There are four cornerstones to help you build the understanding you need to move forward through the four foundations to the goal of Being A Loving Mirror. The first cornerstone is the Four C’s. Learn the 4 C’s well. They will play a KEY role in allowing you to experience the sanity of family recovery. This post, BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO CONTRIBUTE TO IT is part four of a serialization of my chapter on the 4 C’s in my upcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity.

But You Don’t Have To Contribute To it

By now, perhaps you are feeling a combination of relief and hopelessness. I’ve told you it’s not your fault your addict uses (Whew! What a relief!) But I’ve also told you that you can’t control or cure the using no matter what you do (Oh no! So now what do I do?).

The way you may be feeling right now, is why I’ve never felt the three C’s are enough information to help family members in their recovery. Fortunately for me, when I first got into recovery I learned about the fourth C and it has made ALL the difference in my life and the life of my family. Once we understand that we didn’t cause it, we can’t control it, and we can’t cure it, it is time to look at our own behavior.

When family members first come in contact with a recovery coach , coaching group, treatment center or Alanon meeting, they can often be heard saying, “Why do I need help? I’m not the one with the problem?” My answer in response to that can be found in the 4 C’s, especially the fourth one: You don’t have to contribute to it!

Though we didn’t cause it, can’t control it and cannot cure it, there are things we can do that could either make the situation better or worse and it is our choice as to whether we want to contribute to our addict’s disease process or to their potential recovery.

By the end of this month of posts, you will know exactly what those things are! Meanwhile, as background to understand this, stay tuned to my next post, where we will begin to understand addiction, co-addiction, and recovery for both the addict and the co-addict.

If you are finding yourself unable to wait, click here for the full chapter (in an older edition) and lots of other 12 Keys handouts, recordings, and information.

–
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Key 4C: The Four C's – Part Three: You Can't Cure Your Loved One's Addiction

beverlybuncher — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 12:24:42 +0000

Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post is the third in a month-long series on Key Four, which is the first of the Four Cornerstones. This Key is known as the Four C’s: “You Didn’t Cause It, You Can’t Control It, You Can’t Cure It. BUT, You DON’T Have to Contribute To It.”

The ability to Be A Loving Mirror (BALM) takes motivation and understanding. Last month we learned about the three relationships (that with God, self, and others) and how to develop them to help you regain your peace and sanity. Next, There are four cornerstones to help you build the understanding you need to move forward through the four foundations to the goal of Being A Loving Mirror. The first cornerstone is the Four C’s. Learn the 4 C’s well. They will play a KEY role in allowing you to experience the sanity of family recovery. This post, YOU CAN’T CURE THEIR ADDICTION is part three of a serialization of my chapter on the 4 C’s in my upcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity.

You Can’t Cure Your Loved One’s Addiction

After awhile, a person trying to fight off a fire with a glass of water gives up, just as does a person trying to swim upstream. In the case of someone who loves an addict, trying often goes on long after hopelessness sets in. After all, there MUST be a cure for this. You knew this person before they got crazy, addicted, mean, etc. And you LOVE them. If anyone can solve this crisis, it is you.

And so, you start on a quest to solve the problem: to cure them of their addiction. Though well meant, these efforts are often misdirected. To help you understand how and why, it is important to understand the construct that guides the ideas in this book: the disease concept.

As the American Medical Association, SAMHSA (the Substance Abuse/Mental Health Services Administration) the National Institute of Drug Abuse (NIDA) and most other health and human services agencies and experts see it, addiction is a disease that, at this time in history, can be arrested but not cured. That being the case, you may want to accept that if the greatest medical minds cannot yet cure this disease, maybe you can’t either.

Here is a recent quote for you to ponder as well:
“After four years of work involving 80 experts, the American Society of Addiction Medicine is redefining addiction—to alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, and more—as a brain disorder, updating its former classification as a behavioral problem, reports Live Science. Addiction is also now considered a primary and chronic disorder, meaning it is not the result of stress, abuse, or other causes, and it needs to be treated over a patient’s lifetime, just as one would deal with a chronic disease like diabetes.

ASAM officials were swayed in part due to advancements in neuroscience over the last 20 years, which have shed light on the fact that the brain circuitry that regulates impulse control and judgment is altered in addicts’ brains. “We have to stop moralizing, blaming, controlling or smirking at the person with the disease of addiction,” said an addiction researcher. “The disease is about brains, not drugs.” ” www.newser.com

This new official categorization of addiction as being about the brain and not a moral issue, is crucial to our understanding of this C – which Alanon wrote so many years ago! YOU cannot cure it!

This disease is an inside job for the addict to work on. For some, that will mean finding a Higher Power of their understanding to heal and guide them. For others, recovery meetings will be the answer. For others still, in-patient or outpatient treatment.

For others, it may mean going through a process of trying to control their consumption or finding that they cannot handle even a drop of alcohol or drugs and reaching a bottom that makes it more painful to pick up their drug of choice than to not do so.

You can force circumstances sometimes, but you cannot force results. It’s a process of discovery they have to go through themselves. When family members try to cure their addicted loved ones, the family members often find themselves getting sick and making things worse for the addict.

What would it take for you to admit that you cannot cure this disease? That it is beyond your skills and capabilities to heal this person who you love so much? In the 12 step program Nar-Anon, the difficulty of this admission is reflected in the first step: “We admitted we were powerless over the addict, that our lives had become unmanageable.” After trying and trying, many family members report that eventually they found that curing their addict was a hopeless endeavor for them to pursue and that in fact, tearing themselves apart trying to stop the drinking or drugging often ended up:

• Destroying any semblance of a relationship they had left with the addict
• Giving the addict an excuse to blame them for his/her troubles
• Turned the family member into an obsessive person with no interest in anything other than fixing something that could not be fixed. As a result, the family member became boring, depressed, isolated, and alone.

In our next post we will continue this serialization of the 4 C’s chapter with the 4th C: But You Don’t Have to Contribute to It. Stay tuned!

Feeling impatient and want to read a first edition of the whole chapter on the 4 C’s? Click here and you will receive this article and other 12 Keys information, recordings, and handouts.

–
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Key 4A: The Four C's Part One: You Didn't Cause Their Addiction

beverlybuncher — Sun, 04 Sep 2011 01:32:21 +0000

Welcome to the 12 Keys series of blog posts which will, month by month, explain the 12 Keys of Sanity and give you detailed ideas and activities to help you bring them alive in your life. This post is the first in a month-long series on Key Four, which is the first of the Four Cornerstones. This Key is known as the Four C’s: “You Didn’t Cause It, You Can’t Control It, You Can’t Cure It. BUT, You DON’T Have to Contribute To It.”

The ability to Be A Loving Mirror takes motivation and understanding. There are four cornerstones to help you build the understanding you need to move forward through the four foundations to the goal of Being A Loving Mirror. The first cornerstone is the Four C’s. Learn the 4 C’s well. They will play a KEY role in allowing you to enter the sanity of family recovery. The next several posts are a serialization of my chapter on the 4 C’s in my upcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity.

Did you ever walk into a room that was burning? Perhaps the stove was on fire or a pot was shooting flames. You did not start that fire and you may not be able to stop it, but there are things you can do that will make it stronger or weaker. Did you douse it with oil or water? One makes the fire worse; the other helps put it out. Sometimes, when the fire is completely out of control, the best thing you can do is get out of the room and the house and call the fire company. Staying and trying to put it out will only kill you.

When it comes to being in relationship with an addict, the parallels are not exact, but in some ways, you are dealing with a fire you did not start and you will probably not be able to put out. The question is, will you fan the flames or help distinguish them? Do you know which actions will hurt and which will help? This chapter will let you know what is meant by the 4 C’s and the rest of the book is here to show you which of your actions will contribute to your loved one’s addiction and which could help bring about their recovery. (You’ll notice I wrote ‘could help’. There are no guarantees that the principles you learn in this book will bring about recovery for your addict. The only guarantee is that if you apply these principles to your own life, your own chaos will transform to sanity. But, just as chaos is catchy, so, too is sanity. So, by working on increasing the peace in your own life, you give your addict a better chance of ‘catching’ your new way of life, of wanting what you have and moving forward to get it.) So, let’s get started.

‘You Didn’t Cause Your Loved one’s Addiction’

The fact is, unless you sat with your loved one day after day, forcing them to take drugs or drink alcohol; you didn’t turn them into an addict. They picked up their first drug or drink (or whatever their substance or behavior is). They made an initial decision to use and soon, there were not more decisions to make. At a certain point, they were hooked and that was that. The drug was choosing them. It had dug its tentacles into their brain and they were automatically going after it day after day. At first to feel good. Then, just to feel at all, and, finally, just to numb any feelings they had and just survive.

So, if you have been sitting around with feelings of guilt and a case of the ‘if only’s’, as in if only I hadn’t…

• Let him out of the house
• Allowed her to hang out with those kids
• Worked so much

Or if only I had…

• Been a better husband/wife
• Been home more
• Kept a better eye on what was going on

…he/she wouldn’t have started drinking, it’s time to let that guilt go. You didn’t make their disease happen. You’re just not that powerful. And while we are on the topic of your power, here is another light bulb for you to turn on in your head: Your loved one’s addiction is not about you. It is about them. You are not at the center of their universe. They are on their own journey. And the fact that they became addicted is not about you.

Take a look for a moment at the synonyms of the word cause:
source, root, origin, basis, foundation, reason.

While your addict may tell you that you are the reason he uses, I’m here to tell you that what you are hearing is his addiction speaking at you. By bestowing guilt upon you, making you the reason he uses, your loved one is letting go of all personal responsibility for his behaviors. She is saying, “It’s not my fault, it’s yours!”

Perhaps you’ve believed that up until now. This book will show you why that is NOT true and how to take back responsibility for what you are truly responsible for: your actions and reactions to the situation you are in. It will also show you how to give the addict back her personal responsibility for her own life and that starts right here, with your really getting it that it is NOT your fault that he is an addict. You did not cause it.

So if you didn’t cause it, what did?

There are lots of theories about that. Genetics may be a part of the mix. As twin and adoptee studies often show, alcoholism often shows up regardless of the environment in which a child is raised. (footnote) So let go of the guilt. Even if your child inherited the gene for addiction from you, you did not intend for that to happen, so it is NOT YOUR FAULT!

The 12 Keys invite you to look at this entire situation of being related to an addict in a different light: Yes, there is this awful, frightening, life threatening thing happening to someone you love. But, there are also many wonderful things about this person and about the relationship you have (or had in the past) that you may also choose to focus on. There are wonderful things that most likely came out of knowing this person – such as, for instance:

• the great people you met through them
• the children you birthed through your marriage together
• your own growth as a result of being involved with someone who has stretched you to your limit…

I don’t know your details. But I do know there are always many ways to view any situation. Seeing only the sadness in a situation only goes so far, especially if it is your goal to make things better. So, start to look for things that make you feel better about your life and your relationship with your loved one. It is a mental habit that will serve you well.

In our next post we will continue this chapter with “You Can’t Control It” – stay tuned!

Feeling impatient? To read an older version of the Four C’s in full, plus have access to other 12 Keys essentials click here.

–
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

How Do I Get Into A 12 Step Program?

beverlybuncher — Sat, 27 Aug 2011 03:33:08 +0000

Dear Coach Bev,
I’d like to start the 12 step program. What do I do?
Signed,
Silvia

Dear Silvia,
So glad you asked that question – especially today as we come to the end of our focus on Key 3: Developing Relationships with Others! I developed the 12 keys to provide my students, coachees, and readers with 12 recovery principles to help them move in the direction of Being a Loving Mirror. And, I started the 12 Keys with the three relationships (that which you have with God, self and others) as I believe these relationships are the key to inner peace.

Actually, I wrote the first three keys to sanity to emphasize the importance of developing these three relationships, which the 12 steps of recovery show you, in detail, how to put into practice. In fact, I see the 12 steps as a roadmap for developing all three relationships, for those who are ready to pick up the map and follow it. And the keys are designed as an introduction and/or enhancement to these powerful steps of recovery. You can use both sets of principles along the recovery path! They truly compliment each other. But back to the steps…

If you want to get involved with a 12 step program, first thing you want to do is figure out which one you are qualified for. In other words, what is your addiction? is it to a person? a drug? a drink? food? sex and love?

You can find a list of many of the 12 step programs along with their websites and phone numbers by clicking here. If you don’t find your program on this list, do an Internet search that describes the substance or behavior you are addicted to and if there is a 12 step program for that. For instance, if you are a messy person, look up Clutterers Anonymous on the Internet. If the issue is debt, look up Debtors Anonymous, etc.

Once you determine which program is the best one for you, contact that program and get a meeting list. Most list meetings on their website. There are in person meetings, phone meetings, online meetings, and video chat meetings.

In the Rooms (www.intherooms.com) offers lots of support for people in many of the 12 step programs, lists of meetings, recorded meetings to listen to, and online chat meetings. There are over 165,000 recovering people who belong to in the rooms. It is actually the largest social network for people in recovery in the world! So that could be a very good place to start.

So, let’s say you find your meeting and start going. Each time you are at the meeting, listen to the shares of the people there. When you hear someone share, whose life and message exemplify the way you would like to live your recovery, you can ask them to be your sponsor. It could take you awhile to find this person. In the meantime, you can just get to know people in the meetings, share phone numbers and make new recovery friends. You can even ask for someone to be your temporary sponsor, to help you get started until you find the sponsor you are looking for. Once you do find a sponsor, temporary or permanent, they will take you through the 12 steps, which are the heart of the 12 step programs. This is called “working the steps”.

In order to help you work the steps, there is lots of literature out there. You can find a lot of it ONLINE for FREE! For instance, the entire text of Alcoholics Anonymous (the original 12 step program) is online FOR FREE for you to download.Click here to see it. It’s called the Big Book of AA and it’s got tremendous wisdom as well as a step by step guide to working the steps that works for any program you are in. But it’s preferable to work the steps with a guide rather than on your own. There are many people out there to help you. Find one and get started!

Working the steps is a term you will hear a lot in the 12 step programs. Basically, it means, working with another person in recovery, called a sponsor, who will help you understand and work through the principles of the program that are contained in the steps. This usually involves a lot of discussion, writing, thinking, prayer and meditation. It is a powerful, life changing process that has the power to help you make a shift to a much more positive, life-affirming mindset. Don’t allow what I just wrote to put you off! You can do it at your own pace and in your own time. And, not everyone does it exactly. The thing is, working the steps is what brings about lasting recovery, which brings me to my next point…

Lots of people think the meetings are the program, or the slogans are the program (Keep coming back; one day at a time; first things first; THINK; etc.), or the literature is the program. To me, more than anything else, the steps are the program. The 12 steps are, to me, the distillation of all of the wisdom traditions of the world and of the ages. By the time I had entered the rooms 35 years ago, I had already begun studying various religions and could see that the steps were made up of the deepest core of that wisdom, the stuff that all of the various traditions have in common!

In 12 sentences, a person whose life is shattered in one or more areas, is offered the opportunity to do the following:
1. find out what they do and don’t have power over in their life
2. discover a Higher Power who can help them sanely deal with the things they’re powerless over
3.decide to surrender the things that matter to them to that Higher Power
4. take inventory of their own attitudes, words, feelings, thoughts and behaviors
5. share that honestly with another person
6. become willing to give up their character flaws
7. ask for spiritual help to get rid of those flaws
8. list the people they’ve harmed and become willing to make amends to them all
9. make amends unless doing so would hurt someone else.
Steps 10 to 12 are the steps that make the process a daily habit in that the newly recovered person proceeds to work at living honestly and spiritually one day at a time and helping others overcome their challenges.

This process of trusting God, cleaning house, and helping others, has, for over 50 years, been helping those affected by their own or someone else’s addiction, bringing sanity and serenity back into their previously tattered and torn lives.
.
Everytime someone enters a meeting and admits they cannot do it alone, they begin the journey of working the steps, of putting their life back in order and of, ultimately, helping another person to do the same. It’s a chain of love and kindness, passed along from one wounded person to another, healing both people’s wounds in the process of the work they do together.

If you think you could benefit from this work, what are you waiting for? Check out the list of different 12 step programs by clicking here, find the one that is right for you and get to a meeting!

You don’t have to be alone anymore and you don’t have to search for a secret to the happiness, joy and freedom you have been seeking! It’s been here all along in the 12 steps of recovery.

Enjoy the weekend Silvia and let me know how your first meeting goes!

Best,

Coach Bev

–
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Key 3 F: Building an Honest, Loving, Non-Judgmental Relationship with Others

beverlybuncher — Wed, 24 Aug 2011 01:35:23 +0000

Imagine this scene: your son (or daughter) walks in the door high as a kite…again.

If you have told them once, you’ve told them a thousand times how much that upsets you and how you want them to stop. But there they are…again.

Your usual response is to threaten and cajole them into stopping their use. You do it because you love them, because you’re scared to death, because you can’t believe that a child of yours, with the values you have taught them, would be messed up enough to throw their life away to drugs…You are so frightened of what could happen to them and so disgusted by the friends they are now hanging out with that all you want to do is scream…So instead, you tell them what a bad seed they are, how you wish they never were born, how they are ruining YOUR life, and then, once you’ve finished saying all of the things that you know will hurt them the most, you top it off with “And if you don’t stop doing this, you aren’t welcome in this house.”

And then a day or two later, there they are again, walking in high, ruining your life and the litany starts again.

It doesn’t have to be that way, you know. It’s not mandatory that you judge your child as bad or wrong for out of control drinking or drugging. It’s not required that you push your feelings of hurt, fear and despair down with anger, resentment, and rage. You don’t have to make idle threats or sarcastic comments.

There IS another way.

That way is Being A Loving MIrror.

The work of Being A Loving MIrror may be new to you or it may be something you’ve read in this blog before. Either way, it is accessible to you, right here, right now.

All it takes is a commitment to change your point of view and attitude, for a moment in time. And that moment is NOW.

Each relationship we have is built and broken one moment at a time, in each moment of time that it occurs. It is never too late to start over. To make a decision to be NEW in relationship to someone you love.

Being a Loving Mirror means feeling all of the hurt and pain that goes with watching someone you love do something self-destructive and doing something different: just sitting with it. Allowing it to percolate in a new way inside of you.

Instead of pushing the feelings down, watch them rise up within you and BE still. In that stillness, that state of being an inner witness to your own sadness and despair, take a deep breath and make a decision to take a different approach: The Loving Mirror Approach. Why?

1. What you are doing isn’t working to get him or her to stop using.
2. you feel awful every time you rant and rave and nothing changes.
3. you are growing more and more distant from your loved one everytime the two of you have another one of those confrontations…

Want to learn how to BE and Live life in relationship as a loving mirror?

Join me Wednesday, August 24, 2011 when I will be interviewed by Jory Fisher on her BlogTalk Radio Show Women of Faith and Purpose talking about what it means to Be A Loving Mirror and how it can make a difference in your life. Click here to join us for this noon ET radio program today!

And if you can’t make it, but you really want to learn how to BE A Loving Mirror, join me as a participant for my upcoming 12 week Loving Mirror Coaching Group! Click here to sign up NOW! It starts next Thursday, September 1st, and will happen on the phone lines every Thursday from noon to 1:30 PM!

Want more information? Give me a call at 786 859 4050. Let’s talk and see what will help you the most in your journey to an honest, loving, non-judgmental relationship with your loved ones! It’s my job to help you figure out what your next best steps are!

Let’s talk and figure it out together.

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC
Family Recovery Coach
www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com

FYI: Here’s an excerpt on the Heart and Soul Interview. See you at noon!

Beverly Buncher on “How To Be A Loving Mirror in Your Loved Ones’ Lives”

On Wednesday, August 24th, Jory will interview author/blogger Beverly Buncher, a Family Recovery and True Purpose™ Coach Please go to this link at 12 Noon Eastern (9AM Pacific) to listen to our live interview.
“How To Be A Loving Mirror in Your Loved One’s Lives”

When it comes to relationships, what matters most? Is it kindness? Intelligence? Beauty? Wisdom? For Beverly Buncher, Family Recovery and Life Purpose in Recovery Coach, what matters most is the ability to Be A Loving Mirror (BALM) in your own and your loved ones’ lives.

Coach Bev works with the family members of addicts, yet teaches principles that anyone can use in relationship with their loved ones.

Her message: telling each other the truth in a loving, non-judgmental way is the key to a relationship that works, especially during those times when things are going less than smoothly.

During this hour, Bev will share her 12 Keys to Sanity which will guide you to the ability to BE that loving mirror in a loved one’s life.

About Beverly Buncher

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC, Family Recovery Coach, works with clients individually and in groups, in person and on the phone. Author of the forthcoming book Transform Your Life with the12 Keys to Sanity, she helps family members turn chaos to sanity and helps recovering addicts find and live their life purpose. Coach Bev is internationally recognized as a Professional Certified Coach by ICF (International Coach Federation). She is the family blogger and resident Recovery Coach for In the Rooms (the leading social network for people in recovery) and the Family Recovery Coach for the social network, The Addict’s Mom. She also trains Professional Recovery Coaches for Crossroads Recovery Coaching and is a mentor coach for iPEC. Coach Bev has spent over 26 years as a member of family recovery programs and practices the principles of recovery in her own life on a daily basis. You can learn more about her work on her websites at www.beverlybuncher.com and by reading her blog In The Rooms at http://12stepfamily.com.

Key 3B: What are your tools for effectively relating to others?

beverlybuncher — Sat, 06 Aug 2011 13:55:20 +0000

The trauma of having a child, friend or relative using substances without regard to their health or safety, or that of anyone else, is one of life’s most difficult challenges. What tools do you find most effective in helping you regain your sanity when you see someone you love doing things that you know could harm themselves or others and there is nothing you can do to stop them?

When it comes to relating to those we love, especially but not exclusively those who use drugs, alcohol, or other addictive substances or behaviors, it is important to have a toolbox of spiritual, mental, and physical techniques available to you so that you do not fall apart because of their issues.

Here are a few that I and my clients have found helpful as we walk our path. See if any of them work for you:

1. Consciously breathe. The breath is one of the greatest tools we have to bring our minds back to calm when fearful thoughts threaten to take over. Notice I said fearful THOUGHTS, not fearful BEHAVIORS OF OTHERS. It is not others’ behaviors that destroy our peace of mind, but how we think about those behaviors. Breathing slowly, calmly and deeply, can help us stay fully present to whatever situation is facing us and allow us to focus on our next best step, rather than on the racing thoughts of fear and of possible tragic outcomes that tend to rush through our minds when faced with our loved one’s behaviors.

2. Become aware of yourself exactly in relation to exactly where you are RIGHT NOW. You see your loved one in an intoxicated state. Or they are telling you a story or problem with potentially dire consequences. You have started to use tool one, Consciously Breathe, but still you feel your thoughts racing. Now, as you continue to breathe, take a look around. Become aware of the wallpaper, the ceiling fan, the diningroom chair fabric. Allow your eyes to embrace your environment and see the detail and beauty in a new way. You get the picture. Take your focus off of your fear and put it right where you are. Allow yourself to see the world around you in THIS moment in order to further relax calm yourself.

3. Become aware of yourself in your environment If you are outside, feel the sun on your skin and the grass under your toes. If you are in a chair, feel your body touching the chair and your feet touching the floor. If your arms are crossed. feel your fingers touching your arms. Keep breathing of course and just focus on yourself, in your environment, breathing.

These three tools, of breathing, focusing on the present moment environment, and focusing on yourself IN the environment, all have tremendous power to bring you back to the present momen,t regardless of the news you are hearing about what just happened to your loved one or the thoughts your mind is playing about what could happen. This isn’t about going off into la-la land. It is about becoming able to hear what people are telling us without going into full battle mode, which after awhile, can create an inner trauma loop in our minds that keeps us from relating effectively to our loved ones.

Being related to someone who is often doing dangerous things, can create trauma in us. However, if we begin to ground ourselves in our own body, in our own breath, in our own environment, in the moment, we will begin to be able to physically experience the ability to detach with love. We will have a sense of inner calm that will allow us to respond in a manner appropriate to the situation, without all of the intense mental thought clutter we used to have that is grounded less in reality than in fear and panic.

To relate to others in the moment, with lovingkindness and effectiveness, to Be that Loving Mirror (TM), it is crucial to develop our own ability to feel a sense of calm underlying all that we think, do, and say. Not easy, but simple. With daily practice, you will own these tools and BE there for others in ways you had previously not thought possible. MORE importantly, you will be there for yourself, as the inner calm will minimize the wear and tear on your body and mind that stress often brings.

Practice these three things even when not hearing bad news. Practice BEING in the moment on a regular basis and the skill will be there for you when you need it.

Let me know how it is going for you!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Key #3: Developing Relationships with Other People

beverlybuncher — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 13:59:22 +0000

Recently I received this post from a reader:

Dear Bev, after being married to an alchoholic for 20 years, I got divorced, I met a wonderful man I was dating for almost 5 years. We only saw each other on the weekends. As we became closer it became clear he is also an alchoholic and partier & to top it off his 2 adult children are drug users. I am devistated. I feel duped and stupid. How did I miss the signs this time? – Feeling betrayed…

Dear Betrayed,

First of all, thank you so much for your note and question. Your willingness to put out there the exact dilemma that so many ex-spouses of alcoholics/addicts face will help many others better understand the seeming insanity of what has happened to you.

Many people who marry an active addict the first time around often find an equally dysfunctional person the second time around (and in some cases the 3rd, 4th, and 5th time as well…).

So, what is that about and what does this have to do with the 3rd Key to Sanity: Developing Loving Relationships with Others?

Everyday of our lives, we are bombarded with images of what the ideal mate looks like, talks like, acts like. We see, on television and in the movies, people with perfect bodies, perfect jobs, perfect smiles, and lots and lots of money and we see what they have as what we really want, but yet, the only place we see life playing out like that is on fictionalized shows and in movies. We may go to church, temple, mosque or synagogue and get a different perspective on what good and perfect mean and begin to develop ideals that compete with those of the media and culture around us.

Then, deep inside of us are the tapes we’ve been playing since our childhood of what we are worth, who we deserve, what we can get in life and what kind of life we will live. If our parents were dysfunctional in anyway and/or if they abused us emotionally or physically, we carry those tapes of being less than. If we were sexually abused by anyone, in our family or outside of our family, we carry those tapes of shame and unworthiness.

When we look for a mate initially, we carry all of these competing views of ourselves and others along for the search. Unless we have developed a very strong relationship with a Higher Power along with a very healthy, sense of self and a relationship with ourselves that consciously and subconsciously knows what is best for us and will accept nothing less than that, chances are, our choices may have been less than ideal. Then, once we have a marriage, we begin to think of ourselves in certain ways and to see our lives in certain ways based on what we experience in relation to our mate. And if that mate is an active alcoholic/addict, we may feel extremely isolated, confused, lonely, and afraid. How did this person who we loved so much turn into such a_________________ (you fill in the blank- monster, meanie,etc.)

So, there we are in a marriage with another person who at first appeared to be very much in sync with who/what we wanted in life, but now, as we look deeper, has lots of issues that we have no idea how to cope with. Being stuck like that, many of us put the dysfunctional coping mechanisms we learned at home into place. We cry, sulk, scream and yell to get them to behave better toward us. When these don’t work, we ignore, get bitter, put our interests and energy elsewhere, and, if we don’t have the means or guts to GET OUT, or if our religious beliefs encourage us to stick it out NO MATTER WHAT, we ENDURE.

Perhaps you can relate to that scenario. Your story may be quite different. If possible, find a piece of it that works for you and stay with me here.

So, after awhile, six months, six years, 12 years, 20 years, 35 years later, you change your mind. You are done enduring and decide to get the heck out of this unendurable marriage and start over. So you do. Maybe your spouse did the unspeakable: cheated on you, and that was your breaking point. Or maybe after the 16th time they cheated on you, you realized this was not going to get better and you left. Or maybe they left you for the other woman/man. Anyway, you get the picture. The marriage is OVER, done, finished.

You are out on your own, finally out from under the thumb of this person who “made you so miserable.”

Now what?

For many who find themselves in this position, it’s lonely! Even though the marriage was lonely, someone was at least THERE. There was a warm body on the other side of the bed or in the next room and not everything about the marriage was bad, etc., etc., …Of course, not everyone is that upset. The freedom can be intoxicating! the chance to meet others and have a good time is grand.

But now what?

All of the above is written to set the scenario for meeting partner #2. After whatever amount of time you have taken to ‘get over’ the last one, you begin to look for your next mate. Perhaps you hardly have to look at all and they find you…or perhaps you spend years looking. Either way, the hunt is on.

Finally, you meet. Certain that this time will be different, you find someone who is not an alcoholic, not an addict, not a…the list goes on. Or so you think. So you get together to live happily ever after. Sometimes the honeymoon lasts weeks, sometimes years. But eventually, it comes out: They may not be an alcoholic, but they may instead take pills or have a sex addiction or a gambling addiction. And there you are again in your own new version of the same Hell you endured the last time around…or maybe something even worse…

What went wrong?

The reason Key 3: Developing Relationships with Other People comes 3rd and not 1st, is that without good strong inner work on ourselves, our relationships with others will often come up short. What I’m saying here is that the relationships we have with others are much more about us than about them! and the kinds of people we choose to have in our lives are also much more about us than about them!

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that life with an alcoholic or addict is easy. I’m not saying that if you aren’t yet married and you find that your partner is deeply troubled (sex addict, drug addict, gambler, alcoholic, etc.) you shouldn’t run as fast and as far as you can.

What I am saying is that when you look at who you are involved with, who your friends are or aren’t (if you don’t have any), or who you choose to end up with as a partner, the most important person in the relationship vis-a-vis these choices can be found right in your own mirror.

So, what does this all mean?

As shared at the beginning of this post, all kinds of outside input from society, school, friends, and parents, contribute to how we see ourselves and what we think we are worthy of in life. When we really want the perfect mate, but on some level feel we aren’t worthy of him or her, the feelings will often win out. Getting our insides congruent with our outsides, our feelings congruent with our desires, is one piece of the puzzle of finding the right person. Jerry and Esther Hicks write about this in all of their books about the Law of Attraction.

Another key to becoming congruent on the level of feeling, is to do the deeper work of healing the sorrow of a less than perfect childhood and unhappy1st marriage. This can be approached through therapy, 12 step work, parts work, voice dialogue, and/or other emotional healing modalities.

Life choices happen on so many levels, many of which are below the surface of our conscious awareness. Once we are in a difficult situation, it can be much more difficult and complicated to get out of it than it was to get into it in the first place.

For those who are not yet involved in a first or second dysfunctional relationship, yet have a history of family dysfunction behind them, the best advice is to do the inner work first. I remember being given that advice and feeling too anxious to get my life moving toward the future, marriage, kids, etc… Maybe you remember that feeling too?

But wherever you are planted, it is never too late to begin the inner work of healing. The 12 Keys of Sanity which culminate in Key 12 “Being a Loving Mirror” provide a series of recovery principles designed to help you see yourself as the person you need to change in your life in order to make your life better! This may be a harsh pill to swallow, but it is true.

For some, these principles alone provide a good foundation. For others, the support of others is crucial…This can come in the form of a recovery coach to help you move in the direction of your dreams while looking honestly at what is going on in your present life that you may want/need to look at in order to get there!
For others, who have experienced severe trauma or distress, the help of a coach can be supplemented by that of a therapist.

Many find help in a group setting. There are Alanon and Naranon meetings all over the country and all over the world. Once you start going, get a sponsor and begin the 12 steps of recovery, where tremendous healing can be found. I work the steps daily and have found tremendous strength and healing in them. But for me and many others, more help was needed.

To add to your recovery by combining the help of a group with that of a coach, feel free to join a Loving Mirror Coaching Group. For 12 weeks, you will gain the insights and professional guidance of a Family Recovery Coach, along with the support of a group of others who have decided to take the lead in their lives in learning how to improve their relationship with themselves and the others in their lives. It’s an inexpensive way to have both a coach and a support group, all in one and the meetings are as close as your phone! A new group starts tomorrow, Wednesday, 8-3-11 at 8 PM ET. To learn more, click here.

So, dear reader, there you are with your boyfriend of five years who turns out to be a drinker, a partier and the parent of 2 adult drug addicts. Only you can decide if you have hit the jackpot in a negative or positive way. Only you can decide if your best bet is to cut your losses and GET OUT or to stick around and play the song again.

If you decide to stay, if you do the INNER work, this time CAN be different. That may mean he will decide to get well due to your example OR it may mean your interests will become so blatantly dissimilar, that one or both of you may leave the relationship.

If you decide to leave, AND are willing to let go of relationships for awhile while you do the INNER work, next time CAN be different!

If you simply keep blaming this whole repeat performance on the OTHERS, chances are, you WILL keep bringing dysfunctional people into your life – to repeat the performance again and again….and only once you realize that the only constant in the play of dysfunctional people in and out of your life is YOU, will you start to decide it is time to begin an inner journey of your own.

By building a relationship with yourself first, your chance at building a great relationship with others will be greatly enhanced.

If I can be of further help to you on your journey, give me a call and we can set up a time to talk further.

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Key 2F: To Be at Peace with Yourself, Get to Know Your Ego Parts

beverlybuncher — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 01:39:32 +0000

If you have ever found yourself wondering why a part of you feels one way while another feels the other, you may be ready to explore the topic of getting to know your ego parts. The very concept of having an ego that is made up of many parts each with their own perspective on you, your life, and the situations facing you, is one that has been written about, studied and taught extensively.

Thinkers, therapists, life coaches and teachers including Carl Jung (Active Imagination), Robert Schwartz (Internal Family Systems), Hal and Sidra Stone (Voice Dialogue), and Tim Kelley (True Purpose work) have written about, taught, and/or teach this understanding of the ego having parts or subpersonalities that play different roles in a person’s life.

If you are wondering if this cold be true, that your ego could be subdivided into a bunch of parts, each of which wants a say in how you run your life, think back on the last decision you made. Did you notice one part of you that wanted you to go in one direction and and another that wanted to go elsewhere? one part that wanted you to quickly move forward and another that was scared and wanted you to wait? Take a moment to think about this. Maybe you have a decision right now that is pressing against you. Something you want to take action on, but then again…

Each of these parts, or subpersonalities, was, according to this theory, formed at a point in your life when your ego felt you needed it. One might be a protector, another a controller. One could be a worrier, another a risk taker. Some of these parts are like cheerleaders, always telling you what a great job you are doing, while others doubt everything you do or say. Take a moment to stop reading for a moment and take out your journal or a piece of paper. Think about the functions of the parts within you. Do you have a manipulator? a scaredy cat? a wounded child? a crybaby? a victim? a bully? Keep going. Get them all down on paper. The one that gets you to clean up all the time and the one that keeps your place cluttered. The one that is constantly bugging you to improve your work habits and the one that says you work too hard and need to lay back and take it easy…

By now, you may be getting confused. You could be thinking that only sick people have multiple personalities. Well, there is an illness called multiple personality disorder. But that is not what we are talking about here. We are talking about multiple personalities. We all have them. The question is, are we in touch with them and how can speaking with them help you with Key #2: Having a Healthy Relationship with Yourself.

In my opinion, both written parts work and voice dialogue are amazing ways for a person to enhance their relationship with self. This week we will talk more about how these work and how these practices can calm the inner storms that so often go with life in relationship to any type of addict or dysfunctional person – including oneself!

In the meantime, make that list of your many parts. Think about all of the inner turmoil you experience. Name how the part in charge of that inner turmoil functions, and let’s talk again soon!

Looking forward to writing more about this topic soon and by the way, remember, this Thursday at 11 AM ET is the How Mindfulness Can Help You Become a Loving Mirror. We will speak with Mindfulness Instructor Valerie York Zimmerman AND she will teach participants the 3 Minute Breath Space, a mindfulness technique to calm your angst in a moment or crisis or upset. To sign up, go to Key2: Self . Even if you can’t attend, by signing up you will receive a copy of the recording which will give you the 3 Minute Breath Space to practice with at home!

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

Key #2: Developing a Relationship with Yourself

beverlybuncher — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 01:16:02 +0000

Everyday there is someone you wake up with, go to sleep with, eat with, watch TV with, pray with, talk to, listen to and live with 24/7. You were born together, you will die together and when your relationship is a good one, your life is oh so much more pleasant and easy to handle. But when you hate that someone, you live in constant turmoil.

That someone, if you haven’t already guessed, is yourself.

When the book How to Be Your Own Best Friend first came out in the 70′s, many people laughed. 30 years later, the importance of having a healthy relationship with yourself is well known. Yet, so many of us still battle those inner bad feelings toward ourselves, also known as “Low Self-Esteem”.

Key #2 is dedicated to this important relationship because of the important place this relationship plays in life. If you can’t stand yourself, chances are you don’t much like other people. By the same token, if you find yourself disliking other people, chances are, you don’t much like yourself. Likewise, if you are critical of others, you are probably really hard on yourself and visa-versa.

It’s impossible to escape the consequences of self-disdain and challenging to heal from such negative feelings toward oneself. But, hardly impossible.

To see where you are in this crucial relationship, ask yourself the following questions:

1. When you have nothing to do on a rainy Saturday, and no one you know is available to hang out with you, how do you feel about spending the day alone just relaxing in your own company, no TV, no distractions, just you, yourself, and you?

2. When you make a mistake at work or in front of others, do you feel humiliated and hold on to those feelings, continuing to relive them in your mind, or do you feel you have just had a learning experience and maybe even find yourself using it as an opportunity to enjoy a good laugh at your own imperfections?

3. When someone else isn’t perfect, do you jump on them for their mistakes? Do you, in other words, find the need to “get well on others” (feel better about yourself by making others feel bad about themselves)?

If you have a difficult time spending time by yourself without distractions, it may be you could use some work on that relationship with yourself. If you feel overwhelmingly embarrassed when you make mistakes in front of others, it may mean you could benefit from some work on your relationship with yourself. If you can’t stand imperfection in others and feel compelled to point out their mistakes and maybe even make fun of their gaffs, it may be that you are very critical of yourself, always requiring a level of perfection that you can never quite live up to.

This month, we will look at the relationship with self and talk about some ways to build that relationship, heal the inner rifts that may be holding you back from being your best self, and additional tips on how to improve the quality of that most basic of relationships: the relationship you have with yourself.

Until then,

Be Loving to YOURSELF!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the Twelve Keys to Sanity for Family Members of Addicts

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com