The ability to Be A Loving Mirror (BALM) takes motivation and understanding. Last month we learned about the three relationships (that with God, self, and others) and how to develop them to help you regain your peace and sanity. Next, There are four cornerstones to help you build the understanding you need to move forward through the four foundations to the goal of Being A Loving Mirror. The first cornerstone is the Four C’s. Learn the 4 C’s well. They will play a KEY role in allowing you to experience the sanity of family recovery. This post, Beginning to Understand Addiction and Co-addiction is part five of a serialization of my chapter on the 4 C’s in my upcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity.

Understanding Addiction

Addiction
As explained in previous posts, and as newly understood by the American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM), addiction is a brain disorder, not a moral or behavioral problem.

It is biological in that compulsive use of a substance or compulsive repetition of an addictive behavior often changes the way the brain responds to stimuli. It is often environmental in that you can find families where addiction of one sort or another has been present for generations.

And in many cases, it has shown to be genetic, in that when separated twins have been studied where alcoholism, for instance, was present in the family of origin, often both twins are afflicted, regardless of the alcoholic predisposition of their adopted family. The Alcoholics Anonymous textbook quotes their founding physician Dr. Silkworth who called alcoholism “an obsession of the mind and an allergy of the body” In other words, for whatever reason, alcoholics have become unable to metabolize the alcohol and yet cannot stop seeking it out and drinking it. Sadly, over time this compulsive use of the substance destroys the body and the mind of the addict. The AA text also refers to the alcoholic as being “like a hurricane” running through the lives of the people around him or her – as any co-addict knows from their own experience to be true.

Co-Addiction

Co-addiction shares many of the traits of the addiction itself. It shows up in brain studies as a behavior that changes how the brain reacts to stimuli. In other words, the codependent behavior itself becomes an addiction that the brain rewards and its absence creates a longing and seeming withdrawal in the reward pathways of the brain that can make the co-addict feel particularly anxious unless behaving co-dependently.

It is often environmental in that parents married to or who are children of addicts model codependent behaviors that their children pick up on and pass down through the generations.

There has not been a genetic link found to codependent behavior…yet.

Co-addiction, too, is an obsession of the mind and over time becomes as difficult to stop as any addiction as it has become the way the co-addict thinks about and relates to the addict. And, ultimately, because codependent thoughts chain us to a need to fix others, co-addictive behavior is harmful both to the addict and the co-addict him or herself.

Of course this brief introduction is just that, brief and an introduction to addiction and co-addiction. But it is only meant to help you further understand why the 4 C’s are so important for you to understand. In our next post, we will talk about recovery for the addict and the family member. See you then!

This Wednesday evening, September 21, 2011, from 8:30 to 9:30 PM, I will be leading a discussion on the Four C’s on my free monthly Loving Mirror Teleseminar. Please click here to participate in what promises to be a lively, informative discussion. Bring your questions and let’s look at this important Cornerstone of Family Recovery: The Four C’s. Would love to ‘see’ you there!

–
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

The ability to Be A Loving Mirror (BALM) takes motivation and understanding. Last month we learned about the three relationships (that with God, self, and others) and how to develop them to help you regain your peace and sanity. Next, There are four cornerstones to help you build the understanding you need to move forward through the four foundations to the goal of Being A Loving Mirror. The first cornerstone is the Four C’s. Learn the 4 C’s well. They will play a KEY role in allowing you to experience the sanity of family recovery. This post, BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO CONTRIBUTE TO IT is part four of a serialization of my chapter on the 4 C’s in my upcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity.

But You Don’t Have To Contribute To it

By now, perhaps you are feeling a combination of relief and hopelessness. I’ve told you it’s not your fault your addict uses (Whew! What a relief!) But I’ve also told you that you can’t control or cure the using no matter what you do (Oh no! So now what do I do?).

The way you may be feeling right now, is why I’ve never felt the three C’s are enough information to help family members in their recovery. Fortunately for me, when I first got into recovery I learned about the fourth C and it has made ALL the difference in my life and the life of my family. Once we understand that we didn’t cause it, we can’t control it, and we can’t cure it, it is time to look at our own behavior.

When family members first come in contact with a recovery coach , coaching group, treatment center or Alanon meeting, they can often be heard saying, “Why do I need help? I’m not the one with the problem?” My answer in response to that can be found in the 4 C’s, especially the fourth one: You don’t have to contribute to it!

Though we didn’t cause it, can’t control it and cannot cure it, there are things we can do that could either make the situation better or worse and it is our choice as to whether we want to contribute to our addict’s disease process or to their potential recovery.

By the end of this month of posts, you will know exactly what those things are! Meanwhile, as background to understand this, stay tuned to my next post, where we will begin to understand addiction, co-addiction, and recovery for both the addict and the co-addict.

If you are finding yourself unable to wait, click here for the full chapter (in an older edition) and lots of other 12 Keys handouts, recordings, and information.

–
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

Recently I received this post from a reader:

Dear Bev, after being married to an alchoholic for 20 years, I got divorced, I met a wonderful man I was dating for almost 5 years. We only saw each other on the weekends. As we became closer it became clear he is also an alchoholic and partier & to top it off his 2 adult children are drug users. I am devistated. I feel duped and stupid. How did I miss the signs this time? – Feeling betrayed…

Dear Betrayed,

First of all, thank you so much for your note and question. Your willingness to put out there the exact dilemma that so many ex-spouses of alcoholics/addicts face will help many others better understand the seeming insanity of what has happened to you.

Many people who marry an active addict the first time around often find an equally dysfunctional person the second time around (and in some cases the 3rd, 4th, and 5th time as well…).

So, what is that about and what does this have to do with the 3rd Key to Sanity: Developing Loving Relationships with Others?

Everyday of our lives, we are bombarded with images of what the ideal mate looks like, talks like, acts like. We see, on television and in the movies, people with perfect bodies, perfect jobs, perfect smiles, and lots and lots of money and we see what they have as what we really want, but yet, the only place we see life playing out like that is on fictionalized shows and in movies. We may go to church, temple, mosque or synagogue and get a different perspective on what good and perfect mean and begin to develop ideals that compete with those of the media and culture around us.

Then, deep inside of us are the tapes we’ve been playing since our childhood of what we are worth, who we deserve, what we can get in life and what kind of life we will live. If our parents were dysfunctional in anyway and/or if they abused us emotionally or physically, we carry those tapes of being less than. If we were sexually abused by anyone, in our family or outside of our family, we carry those tapes of shame and unworthiness.

When we look for a mate initially, we carry all of these competing views of ourselves and others along for the search. Unless we have developed a very strong relationship with a Higher Power along with a very healthy, sense of self and a relationship with ourselves that consciously and subconsciously knows what is best for us and will accept nothing less than that, chances are, our choices may have been less than ideal. Then, once we have a marriage, we begin to think of ourselves in certain ways and to see our lives in certain ways based on what we experience in relation to our mate. And if that mate is an active alcoholic/addict, we may feel extremely isolated, confused, lonely, and afraid. How did this person who we loved so much turn into such a_________________ (you fill in the blank- monster, meanie,etc.)

So, there we are in a marriage with another person who at first appeared to be very much in sync with who/what we wanted in life, but now, as we look deeper, has lots of issues that we have no idea how to cope with. Being stuck like that, many of us put the dysfunctional coping mechanisms we learned at home into place. We cry, sulk, scream and yell to get them to behave better toward us. When these don’t work, we ignore, get bitter, put our interests and energy elsewhere, and, if we don’t have the means or guts to GET OUT, or if our religious beliefs encourage us to stick it out NO MATTER WHAT, we ENDURE.

Perhaps you can relate to that scenario. Your story may be quite different. If possible, find a piece of it that works for you and stay with me here.

So, after awhile, six months, six years, 12 years, 20 years, 35 years later, you change your mind. You are done enduring and decide to get the heck out of this unendurable marriage and start over. So you do. Maybe your spouse did the unspeakable: cheated on you, and that was your breaking point. Or maybe after the 16th time they cheated on you, you realized this was not going to get better and you left. Or maybe they left you for the other woman/man. Anyway, you get the picture. The marriage is OVER, done, finished.

You are out on your own, finally out from under the thumb of this person who “made you so miserable.”

Now what?

For many who find themselves in this position, it’s lonely! Even though the marriage was lonely, someone was at least THERE. There was a warm body on the other side of the bed or in the next room and not everything about the marriage was bad, etc., etc., …Of course, not everyone is that upset. The freedom can be intoxicating! the chance to meet others and have a good time is grand.

But now what?

All of the above is written to set the scenario for meeting partner #2. After whatever amount of time you have taken to ‘get over’ the last one, you begin to look for your next mate. Perhaps you hardly have to look at all and they find you…or perhaps you spend years looking. Either way, the hunt is on.

Finally, you meet. Certain that this time will be different, you find someone who is not an alcoholic, not an addict, not a…the list goes on. Or so you think. So you get together to live happily ever after. Sometimes the honeymoon lasts weeks, sometimes years. But eventually, it comes out: They may not be an alcoholic, but they may instead take pills or have a sex addiction or a gambling addiction. And there you are again in your own new version of the same Hell you endured the last time around…or maybe something even worse…

What went wrong?

The reason Key 3: Developing Relationships with Other People comes 3rd and not 1st, is that without good strong inner work on ourselves, our relationships with others will often come up short. What I’m saying here is that the relationships we have with others are much more about us than about them! and the kinds of people we choose to have in our lives are also much more about us than about them!

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that life with an alcoholic or addict is easy. I’m not saying that if you aren’t yet married and you find that your partner is deeply troubled (sex addict, drug addict, gambler, alcoholic, etc.) you shouldn’t run as fast and as far as you can.

What I am saying is that when you look at who you are involved with, who your friends are or aren’t (if you don’t have any), or who you choose to end up with as a partner, the most important person in the relationship vis-a-vis these choices can be found right in your own mirror.

So, what does this all mean?

As shared at the beginning of this post, all kinds of outside input from society, school, friends, and parents, contribute to how we see ourselves and what we think we are worthy of in life. When we really want the perfect mate, but on some level feel we aren’t worthy of him or her, the feelings will often win out. Getting our insides congruent with our outsides, our feelings congruent with our desires, is one piece of the puzzle of finding the right person. Jerry and Esther Hicks write about this in all of their books about the Law of Attraction.

Another key to becoming congruent on the level of feeling, is to do the deeper work of healing the sorrow of a less than perfect childhood and unhappy1st marriage. This can be approached through therapy, 12 step work, parts work, voice dialogue, and/or other emotional healing modalities.

Life choices happen on so many levels, many of which are below the surface of our conscious awareness. Once we are in a difficult situation, it can be much more difficult and complicated to get out of it than it was to get into it in the first place.

For those who are not yet involved in a first or second dysfunctional relationship, yet have a history of family dysfunction behind them, the best advice is to do the inner work first. I remember being given that advice and feeling too anxious to get my life moving toward the future, marriage, kids, etc… Maybe you remember that feeling too?

But wherever you are planted, it is never too late to begin the inner work of healing. The 12 Keys of Sanity which culminate in Key 12 “Being a Loving Mirror” provide a series of recovery principles designed to help you see yourself as the person you need to change in your life in order to make your life better! This may be a harsh pill to swallow, but it is true.

For some, these principles alone provide a good foundation. For others, the support of others is crucial…This can come in the form of a recovery coach to help you move in the direction of your dreams while looking honestly at what is going on in your present life that you may want/need to look at in order to get there!
For others, who have experienced severe trauma or distress, the help of a coach can be supplemented by that of a therapist.

Many find help in a group setting. There are Alanon and Naranon meetings all over the country and all over the world. Once you start going, get a sponsor and begin the 12 steps of recovery, where tremendous healing can be found. I work the steps daily and have found tremendous strength and healing in them. But for me and many others, more help was needed.

To add to your recovery by combining the help of a group with that of a coach, feel free to join a Loving Mirror Coaching Group. For 12 weeks, you will gain the insights and professional guidance of a Family Recovery Coach, along with the support of a group of others who have decided to take the lead in their lives in learning how to improve their relationship with themselves and the others in their lives. It’s an inexpensive way to have both a coach and a support group, all in one and the meetings are as close as your phone! A new group starts tomorrow, Wednesday, 8-3-11 at 8 PM ET. To learn more, click here.

So, dear reader, there you are with your boyfriend of five years who turns out to be a drinker, a partier and the parent of 2 adult drug addicts. Only you can decide if you have hit the jackpot in a negative or positive way. Only you can decide if your best bet is to cut your losses and GET OUT or to stick around and play the song again.

If you decide to stay, if you do the INNER work, this time CAN be different. That may mean he will decide to get well due to your example OR it may mean your interests will become so blatantly dissimilar, that one or both of you may leave the relationship.

If you decide to leave, AND are willing to let go of relationships for awhile while you do the INNER work, next time CAN be different!

If you simply keep blaming this whole repeat performance on the OTHERS, chances are, you WILL keep bringing dysfunctional people into your life – to repeat the performance again and again….and only once you realize that the only constant in the play of dysfunctional people in and out of your life is YOU, will you start to decide it is time to begin an inner journey of your own.

By building a relationship with yourself first, your chance at building a great relationship with others will be greatly enhanced.

If I can be of further help to you on your journey, give me a call and we can set up a time to talk further.

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the 12 Keys to Sanity

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

Enjoy my weekly newsletter Life Purpose in Recovery delivered right to your email and gain access to materials on the 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members! Sign up here: http://forms.aweber.com/form/11/885999311.htm

If you have ever found yourself wondering why a part of you feels one way while another feels the other, you may be ready to explore the topic of getting to know your ego parts. The very concept of having an ego that is made up of many parts each with their own perspective on you, your life, and the situations facing you, is one that has been written about, studied and taught extensively.

Thinkers, therapists, life coaches and teachers including Carl Jung (Active Imagination), Robert Schwartz (Internal Family Systems), Hal and Sidra Stone (Voice Dialogue), and Tim Kelley (True Purpose work) have written about, taught, and/or teach this understanding of the ego having parts or subpersonalities that play different roles in a person’s life.

If you are wondering if this cold be true, that your ego could be subdivided into a bunch of parts, each of which wants a say in how you run your life, think back on the last decision you made. Did you notice one part of you that wanted you to go in one direction and and another that wanted to go elsewhere? one part that wanted you to quickly move forward and another that was scared and wanted you to wait? Take a moment to think about this. Maybe you have a decision right now that is pressing against you. Something you want to take action on, but then again…

Each of these parts, or subpersonalities, was, according to this theory, formed at a point in your life when your ego felt you needed it. One might be a protector, another a controller. One could be a worrier, another a risk taker. Some of these parts are like cheerleaders, always telling you what a great job you are doing, while others doubt everything you do or say. Take a moment to stop reading for a moment and take out your journal or a piece of paper. Think about the functions of the parts within you. Do you have a manipulator? a scaredy cat? a wounded child? a crybaby? a victim? a bully? Keep going. Get them all down on paper. The one that gets you to clean up all the time and the one that keeps your place cluttered. The one that is constantly bugging you to improve your work habits and the one that says you work too hard and need to lay back and take it easy…

By now, you may be getting confused. You could be thinking that only sick people have multiple personalities. Well, there is an illness called multiple personality disorder. But that is not what we are talking about here. We are talking about multiple personalities. We all have them. The question is, are we in touch with them and how can speaking with them help you with Key #2: Having a Healthy Relationship with Yourself.

In my opinion, both written parts work and voice dialogue are amazing ways for a person to enhance their relationship with self. This week we will talk more about how these work and how these practices can calm the inner storms that so often go with life in relationship to any type of addict or dysfunctional person – including oneself!

In the meantime, make that list of your many parts. Think about all of the inner turmoil you experience. Name how the part in charge of that inner turmoil functions, and let’s talk again soon!

Looking forward to writing more about this topic soon and by the way, remember, this Thursday at 11 AM ET is the How Mindfulness Can Help You Become a Loving Mirror. We will speak with Mindfulness Instructor Valerie York Zimmerman AND she will teach participants the 3 Minute Breath Space, a mindfulness technique to calm your angst in a moment or crisis or upset. To sign up, go to Key2: Self . Even if you can’t attend, by signing up you will receive a copy of the recording which will give you the 3 Minute Breath Space to practice with at home!

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Everyday there is someone you wake up with, go to sleep with, eat with, watch TV with, pray with, talk to, listen to and live with 24/7. You were born together, you will die together and when your relationship is a good one, your life is oh so much more pleasant and easy to handle. But when you hate that someone, you live in constant turmoil.

That someone, if you haven’t already guessed, is yourself.

When the book How to Be Your Own Best Friend first came out in the 70′s, many people laughed. 30 years later, the importance of having a healthy relationship with yourself is well known. Yet, so many of us still battle those inner bad feelings toward ourselves, also known as “Low Self-Esteem”.

Key #2 is dedicated to this important relationship because of the important place this relationship plays in life. If you can’t stand yourself, chances are you don’t much like other people. By the same token, if you find yourself disliking other people, chances are, you don’t much like yourself. Likewise, if you are critical of others, you are probably really hard on yourself and visa-versa.

It’s impossible to escape the consequences of self-disdain and challenging to heal from such negative feelings toward oneself. But, hardly impossible.

To see where you are in this crucial relationship, ask yourself the following questions:

1. When you have nothing to do on a rainy Saturday, and no one you know is available to hang out with you, how do you feel about spending the day alone just relaxing in your own company, no TV, no distractions, just you, yourself, and you?

2. When you make a mistake at work or in front of others, do you feel humiliated and hold on to those feelings, continuing to relive them in your mind, or do you feel you have just had a learning experience and maybe even find yourself using it as an opportunity to enjoy a good laugh at your own imperfections?

3. When someone else isn’t perfect, do you jump on them for their mistakes? Do you, in other words, find the need to “get well on others” (feel better about yourself by making others feel bad about themselves)?

If you have a difficult time spending time by yourself without distractions, it may be you could use some work on that relationship with yourself. If you feel overwhelmingly embarrassed when you make mistakes in front of others, it may mean you could benefit from some work on your relationship with yourself. If you can’t stand imperfection in others and feel compelled to point out their mistakes and maybe even make fun of their gaffs, it may be that you are very critical of yourself, always requiring a level of perfection that you can never quite live up to.

This month, we will look at the relationship with self and talk about some ways to build that relationship, heal the inner rifts that may be holding you back from being your best self, and additional tips on how to improve the quality of that most basic of relationships: the relationship you have with yourself.

Until then,

Be Loving to YOURSELF!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

www.beverlybuncher.com
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

“Imagine a world where every addict has the opportunity and support needed to build a sober lifetime one moment at a time, and every family has the benefit of a coach to help them blaze the trail to sobriety in their home. Imagine a world without relapse.”
Join an ongoing coaching group and practice your Loving Mirror skills. Go to www.beverlybuncher.com/lovingmirror/ to register today!

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the Twelve Keys to Sanity for Family Members of Addicts

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

My husband of 6 years has started using again. We were users together when we met, but we got clean together 4 years ago and our daughter was born into a clean and sober home 3 years ago. 2 weeks ago I realized that he was using again and when I asked him to take a drug test last Monday, he refused. Not wanting to put my sobriety or my daughter in danger, I took my daughter and left the house.

We are now on a waiting list for a transitional sober living facility, where I will be able to work and save the money I earn so we can go out on our own. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do besides getting sober myself, but I can’t think of any other options. No one in my family can take us in and if we stay with my husband, things could go from bad to worse quickly.

The thing is that I am so resentful and angry at my husband that I can hardly be in the same room with him. We were on a path to repairing our lives in a really solid and positive way and he completely blew it… If you have any advice or guidance for me, I will appreciate it.
Sober in Cincinnati

Dear Sober in Cincinnati,

So sorry to hear about your husband’s relapse. The whole experience of getting sober together and beginning to build a new life as a couple is a powerful one and when one of the couple loses his or her bearings, life can quickly unravel for the entire family. What I am hearing you say is that you are writing to get support for your decision to move on to a safer place for you and your son AND to get some guidance about what to do with all of that anger and resentment you’ve got, which you know hurt you more than it could ever hurt your husband.

In terms of your decision to not stay in the home once you have realized your husband is using, all I can say is, Bravo. While this decision is a terribly difficult one for any spouse, when the non-using spouse is currently in recovery and feeling vulnerable to returning to a using life herself if she stays in the house, getting out if at all possible is essential.

So, now what do you do with that anger and resentment? Of course, getting to a lot of meetings, writing about what you are feeling in your journal, praying, and working it through with your sponsor are all valid answers. The feelings are strong, understandable, and need to be felt and dealt with. But, as you know, they are yours to deal with and not something to express to your husband in an unbridled fashion. Your job, if you have any interest in helping the father of your daughter to get back on track, is to work out your feelings with your sponsor, coach, meetings, journal, etc., and to relate to him in as calm and objective a fashion as possible.

Remembering that he is sick, not bad is the first step. I like the slogan ‘there but for the grace of God’ and it seems especially apropos in this case. If the tables were reversed and you were the one in relapse, how would you want to be treated? I’m not saying this isn’t difficult, that he did not do something that has completely turned your life upside down or that you are not ‘justified’ in being angry and resentful. Rather, that if you express it to him, you are not helping him or yourself or your little girl.

So, what do you do?

In my last post, I discussed the importance of being a loving mirror to your addict (get a copy of my free report on this by going to my website at www.theempowermentcoach.net). This is still the best advice I can give you.

Being a loving mirror involves really getting YOUR act together. Working on your serenity and self awareness so that when you hear what your loved one is saying, you do NOT take it personally or overreact. Rather, you simply listen, breathe through it to stay calm, and share what YOU are seeing happen to them and/or how you are seeing the situation, as objectively and without emotion as possible. This is easier said than done. It can greatly help to have a coach work with you on practicing this as it is probably one of the hardest things to do consistently, and yet, it has some very powerful benefits:

1. When you take your emotional reaction out of the equation, you have less chance of blowing up. Blowing up distracts from whatever the conversation is about and simply keeps the addict angry at you instead of helping him/her to see what is really going on and deal with it. It keeps YOU at the center of the problem and keeps them blaming you for everything from their using to the way things are. Unless you want to fan the flames of denial and rage, you will want to get YOUR personal reactions out of any interactions you have with a using loved one. Share them with your sponsor, your coach, your journal, your friends in Alanon or Naranon, but NOT with your addicted loved one.

2. As you know, one of the trademarks of using is lack of awareness of one’s behaviors and how they are affecting self and others. This strong denial is an important factor in keeping the using going and growing. Being a loving mirror is one of the best ways to break the illusion of ‘all is well’ in the addict’s mind. When you listen to your addict tell a lie for instance and you react, it could look like this (Imagine yourself with a red face and a screaming voice):

“You @#$%> .You are destroying our lives. I can’t believe a word you say. I hate you.”

But when your addict lies and you respond in a loving manner, it could look like this. (Imagine yourself taking a deep slow breath, and calmly, without accusation, saying)

“Adam, you just said you didn’t steal that money from my purse. But, I know I had $60 in my purse before you walked into the bedroom 10 minutes ago and now it is gone. I hear that you do not believe that you stole it. And, we are the only two people in the apartment. It is gone. I love you Adam and I know you would not want to hurt me or lie to me. But the money is gone.”

OR like this: “You refused to take a drug test. This is one of the agreements we had should either of us be concerned that the other is using again. We both said we would use that refusal as our way of figuring out what is going on. I’m so sorry the drugs have you in their grip again. What do you suggest we do now?”

OR like this (after getting very calm and centered): “I understand that you no longer feel that drug use is a problem for you. But, that usage almost destroyed our lives when we were younger (give graphic examples in a calm way) and I am no longer willing to include the presence of drug use in my life or that of our daughter. I love you and want you in my life. But drugs can’t be a part of it. I hope you will see it that way at some point, but for now, I guess we just see things differently. For my sobriety and our daughter’s safety, I feel we will need to find a different place to live. I truly hope you will choose to place us before your drug use at some point. But for now it appears that you are deciding that the drugs are more important to you (must say this WITHOUT ANY anger or resentment, just calmly as an observation) and, as much as that hurts me and scares me for you, I will respect your choices, just as I hope you will be able to understand and respect mine.”

The key to Being A Loving Mirror is that you stay calm and have absolutely no sarcasm, judgment, anger, resentment or other negative emotion in your voice. Any negative emotion of yours that comes through just acts as interference that the addict can hook onto in order to not pay attention to the message.

This is not to say that Being a Loving Mirror will lead your addict to immediately throw out his drugs and go to a meeting or treatment. Rather, it will accomplish two things:

1. Over time, responding to your addict in a calm, factual way will have the effect of you holding a constant mirror in front of his face. He has someone in his life who does not react ragefully to his outrageous behavior. Rather, he has someone who is allowing him the opportunity to hear back what is actually going on so that his toxic brain gets a chance to try to process reality without the interference of someone else’s emotional noise.

2. He loses the chance to blame you for his using. When you stop screaming at him, calling him names, acting crazy yourself, trying to control his behavior, he can no longer say (and mean it): “This is all your fault! Anyone married to someone like you would HAVE to use, just to survive.”

You may say, but wait. Look at Charlie Sheen. All of the rational interviews in the world seem to have very little impact on his state of mind (and some of the interviewers are giving him a mirror through calm questions and conversation).

But, folks, we do not know what is going on inside of his mind. We do not know what his process will be in the long run. What we do know is: The more we are calm and rational with an addict, the greater the chance he has of looking within rather than without for the source of his problems.

And here is the best part. Regardless of how long it takes the addict to ‘get it’, if he gets it at all, if YOU practice the principles of the four foundations:

* self care
* being a loving person (which includes but is not limited to being a loving mirror)
* setting boundaries
* getting support

YOU will get better. You will work through your anger, frustration and fears. You will get your life back together. You will not completely fall apart (or if you have, you will get your life back).

It is simple but not easy. You WILL be okay if you simply put one foot in front of the other, get as much support as you can, take care of yourself, treat others (including the addicts in your life) with dignity and respect and set boundaries that will keep YOUR life on track.

I remember when I was new in the program (a year in I guess) and my sponsor would listen to my rants and raves about the addict in my life. I would go on and on (and she encouraged me to get it all out to her, not my addict). Then, when I was all done, she would say, ‘Done?’ I would say yes and she would say, “Now go out there and be a loving person.”

Hard to do, but it sure made life more pleasant and livable.

Rock solid principles never change.

I wish you and your daughter well Sober in Cincinnati, as you travel your path. I wish you continued sobriety and I wish your spouse a renewal of soul, mind, emotion and body. And if you wish it for yourself, I wish a renewal of your marriage for both of you.

All the best – and keep writing those letters everyone! You can contact me through the comments section of this blog or by writing to me at recoverycoachbev@theempowermentcoach.net.

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC
Family Recovery Coach
ICF Certified Professional Certified Coach
Certified True Purpose Coach

Author of the forthcoming book Chaos to Sanity: Transform Your Life with the Four Foundations of Family Recovery
Get Your Free copy of the introductory e-book You Can Transform Your Life from Chaos to Sanity by filling out a request form on my website at www.theempowermentcoach.net.

www.12stepfamily.com
www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com

Call me for a complimentary consult at 786 859 4050

If your life is feeling difficult right now and you are trying to find things to be grateful for, take a look at the checklist below. Perhaps not all of your answers to the questions below will be yes. But check off the ones that are and see how many more of your own you can add. Remember, in this exercise, the key is to keep your eye on what you have to be grateful for. So if something does NOT apply, try to find something else in that category that does.

If you cannot, go to the next question and keep reading and checking off those you DO have to grateful. Then add more of your own. Being grateful is like plugging into the power of the universe. Every grateful thought we think, every grateful feeling we have, energizes us and empowers us to enjoy our moments, hours and days on this planet more and more. This moment is all we have. Let’s choose to live it in gratitude and enjoy! Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

What Do You Have To Be Grateful For? A Thanksgiving Questionaire/Survey

Instructions: The following is a Yes/No Questionaire. Before you begin, take a slow deep breath in and hold it and slowly and gently let it out. Do your best to be open to the possible yes’s on this sheet. Read each one separately, allow it to inform you about what you may have to be grateful for through it and move on to the next one. Some are easier to answer. Some are more difficult.

The simple and more obvious ones come first. Don’t skip them or take them for granted. The simplest things for you, like being able to use a keyboard for instance, can be the most difficult for someone else. As you absorb the idea that things like waking up in the morning and having teeth to brush are worth being thankful for, allow yourself not only to answer yes, but to FEEL the gratitude you have for these everyday treasures that truly can be seen as miracles.

Then as you get to some that you may find more difficult, continuing to breathe in and out slowly and meditatively, you are invited to be willing to consider the gifts that some of the challenging circumstances in your life may be presenting to you. As you add to your gratitude list at the end of this exercise, you may find yourself adding things you didn’t even realize you could find anything to be grateful about! Allow yourself to open up to gratitude. It is truly transformative.

And, to learn more about how to make gratitude a transformative mainstay in YOUR life, send me your name and email address and I will send you my Build The Gratitude Habit report free of charge. It will give you a daily exercise you can do that will increase your gratitude AND your reasons to be grateful just by doing it everyday.

Here is the checklist!

1. Did you wake up this morning?
2. Were you able to see when you opened your eyes?
3. Were you able to stretch any part of your body (your whole body or your arms or your legs)?
4. Were you sleeping on a bed?
5. Did you have a sheet and or blanket covering you during the night?
6. Were you wearing a night shirt or pj’s to keep you warm (if you wanted to)?
7. Did you have something available to eat when you woke up?
8. Was the sun shining outside and/or was there snow on the ground and/or was it raining outside?
9. Did you have a bathroom available to use?
10. When you counted your fingers and toes this morning were they all there?
11. Are you finding yourself able to breathe?
12. When you turned on your computer this morning did it work?
13. Is your electricity working?
14. If it is cold outside, do you have heat today?
15. Is there at least one person in this world who you care about?
16. Is there at least one person in this world who cares about you?
17. Is there a place nearby where you can take a walk, or if you are in a wheelchair, is there a place outside where you can go for a stroll in your chair?
18. Do you have access to a phone or email?
19. Do you have Internet access?
20. Are there phone or in-person meetings you can go to this Thanksgiving if you are alone?
21. Is there a book you haven’t read yet that you could get your hands on today and enjoy?
22. Is there a child you love that you could call on the phone and say hello to?
23. Is there someone in your neighborhood or calling range who could use a hello who you could reach out to so they will have a better Thanksgiving Day?
24. If you have to work today, will you have the opportunity to smile at, enjoy, and delight others who you come in contact with?
25. If you are alone today, is there someone you can reach out to in friendship, kindness, or love?
26. If you are alone today, can you for a moment at least, enjoy the stillness, the quiet time, the peace?
27. If you are cooking for a whole lot of people, can you enjoy the opportunity to bring your attitude of gratitude and your joy of recovery to those you love, not through telling them about it, but just through your state of being?
28. If you are exceptionally tired right now, can you feel that exhaustion and know it is a sign of being very much alive and a part of this world?
29. If you have people you’ve lost, can you feel the gratitude for what they gave you during your time together?
30. If you have people in your life who are alive but caught in the throes of addiction, can you think of a happy time you shared or of something you love about them regardless of their habit, and be grateful for that?
31. If so many things are going right in your life, but something really big is very wrong and it’s shaken your world, can you acknowledge that thing, breathe through it, know it is there, and spend at least a few moments whenever you can to put your focus on the things that are going right?
32. Do you have a pet you love or did you have one who brought you joy that you can remember in gladness and gratitude for the gifts he or she gave you?
32. Can you think of at least five other things to be grateful for today? (start by thinking of your five senses and go from there)

Feel free to send me your list of 5 things you are grateful for! And again, send for my FREE Gratitude Habit Builder report today by sending me a note at recoverycoachbev@theempowermentcoach.net or by responding to this post on Contact Us above!

All the best to you and yours on this Thanksgiving Day and Always!

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC, LTPT
Family Recovery Coach
Author of the forthcoming book: The Four Foundations of Family Recovery: Simple Ideas to Transform Chaos to Sanity
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
786 859 4050

So, how will it be this year for you? If you have active addiction in your home, how will you handle the activities of the addict(s)? Their presence or non-presence during the festivities? The odd things they may say or do?

Will you be part of the problem or part of the solution this year? Honestly, that is entirely up to you.

Though not easy to implement, recovery principles are simple. By starting today to implement the four foundations in your life, you can prepare for the holidays in a way that will increase your holiday cheer much more than any presents you buy or food you prepare.

Let’s see how. This four part series will look at all of the four foundations of family recovery: self care, being a loving person, setting boundaries and getting support. Today, let’s look at Self Care:

Holidays are notorious for taking a lot of energy to prepare for. As a person addicted to an addict, you may already have issues with letting yourself go in the service of others.

What if…this year you decide to put your self care first in the middle of everything? How would this look for you?
Would you exercise regularly?
Get more sleep than usual?
Schedule time for Alanon or Naranon meetings that you will attend NO MATTER WHAT?

What’s missing in your self care now? How about considering adding it as a pre-holiday gift to yourself? There are so many kinds of self care to choose from! Send me an email and I’ll send you a self-care self-assessment for you to see how you are doing on your self-care. That could help you choose which aspects you want to gift yourself with this year!

You may be rolling your eyes, but if you take care of yourself, you will be better able to handle WHATEVER comes your way! Don’t you deserve to have a happy holiday season? Start getting ready now by taking a look at your self-care and beginning to make the appointments you have been putting off and doing the nice things for yourself that you can never find the time for!

Send me an email at recoverycoachbev@theempowermentcoach.net to receive a copy of my self care assessment. Usually reserved for students in my Four Foundations of Family Recovery class, I’ll share this with you as my gift.

Keep reading this series over the next week or two to get more tips on how to improve the quality of your holiday season!

And to make your new year even better, consider joining me for my next Four Foundations of Family Recovery teleseminar coming up in January 2011. The holidays will be over and it will be time to make the new year bright!

To learn more go to www.theempowermentcoach.net/4-Foundations-of-Recovery.html .

See you soon with the next installment of Holiday Time Again – How to Cope and Thrive – part 2 of 4.

Best wishes for a joyous holiday season,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC
Family Recovery Coach
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
see you In The Rooms! www.intherooms.com

Walking in faith is something humans do. We have faith that the sun will rise, that the flowers will bloom in the spring, that the moon will be full once a month, that the light will come on when we turn on the switch. In fact, we have certainty about these things. Isn’t that what faith is? Certainty that things we don’t see now will come to pass?

Yet, how difficult it can sometimes be to do! Either our COBRA ends or the insurance at our work is unaffordable or doesn’t cover the challenges we have. We watch the people we love suffer, we suffer ourselves. At these times and others like them, our faith is tested, and we are called upon to accept life on life’s terms.

How does one walk in faith, put trust in God, when the world as we know it begins to appear unfair, unkind, unpredictable?

Good question. How?

One of the great lessons of the recovery path is to walk in faith. From the moment we realize we are dealing with our own or someone else’s addictive disease, we take that first step, admit our powerlessness and see how out of control our lives have become.

Walking on, we move into belief; make a decision to surrender; work to root out, admit, and surrender our shortcomings; and then make amends. The exercise of the first nine steps is actually the beginning of a faith-building spiritual practice. Then we move on to the day to day maintenance of our faith-walk in recovery, where living in the solution means turning to a Higher Power for guidance, growing in wisdom daily, putting one foot in front of the other, choosing to do the next right thing. We walk in faith daily through continued self-inventory, prayer and meditation, and the sharing and practice of the recovery principles throughout our lives.

Walking in faith means following our intuition more and more and being willing to turn away from fear and doubt and anxiety as we turn more and more to following God’s guidance. It means knowing that, even when things seem the darkest, there will again be sunlight.

Walking in faith means asking for help from our HP on things large and small, and surrendering to life on life’s terms. It means getting told ‘no’ and having faith anyway. It means being what my friend and colleague Guthrie Sayen likes to call ‘a spiritual adult,’ someone who faces and lives life as on life’s terms and continues to learn and grow as they move forward.

Walking in faith means following your dreams even as others laugh at them. It means continuing to move ahead, regardless of the struggles that you face.

We in the 12 step programs are part of the larger world, are affected by the societal upheaval and economic struggles around us, are neither immune to the aging process, nor the ups and downs of life on Earth in its many manifestations. And yet, we have a gift. The gift of tools to allow us to walk in faith through it all. To know that there is a loving God in our lives “doing for us what we could never do for ourselves.”

What does it mean to you to walk in faith?

Send me your comments at bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net and I will publish them in an upcoming blog.

Until then,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC
Family Recovery Coach
Author of the forthcoming book The Four Foundations of Family Recovery: Simple Ideas to Transform Chaos to Sanity
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
786 859 4050

And that is the paradox of recovery: We are on an endless journey that has brought us a sense of underlying happiness, but we are not always consciously connected to it. Yet, we know it is there for us, and that, in fact, that underlying sense of peace and wholeness is all around us anytime we choose to get into the moment and experience it. But we don’t always remember to do that…and so, we trudge.

Putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, sometimes becomes one hour or one moment at a time. There are times when I have to remind myself of the principles of recovery quite often to stay on track. And there are times when I get off track as well.

The good news is that the more days of being on track that I accumulate, the more I find myself being jolted when I get off track and the more I find my savings bank of “things to do instead of acting out” available to me so I can get back on track much more quickly than I used to.

Yes, sometimes being in recovery means trudging. And yet, I find even the days of trudging through recovery to be much better than the days of gliding through the disease.

How about you? Are you trudging these days? What ideas can you come up with to make the trudge into more of a glide? What have you learned to help yourself get back on track? What do you know about yourself, your disease and your recovery to help yourself rediscover serenity and sanity for another moment, hour, day?

Take a breath with me now, deep and slow, and let’s trudge together. It’s worth it, this journey. And so much better when there is someone to take it with. I hope this blog contributes to your sanity, but of course, when things get tough, it may not be enough.

Give me a call to set up a complimentary consult for a coaching session today or to reserve a space in my upcoming teleseminar The Four Foundations of Family Recovery: Simple Ideas to Transform Chaos to Sanity at 786 859 4050 . Or drop me an email at recoverycoachbev@theempowermentcoach.net for more information.

You and your recovery journey are worth it!

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC
Family Recovery Coach
Author of the forthcoming book The Four Foundations of Family Recovery: Simple Ideas to Transform Chaos to Sanity
Teacher of the forthcoming teleseminar by the same name (September 13 to October 18)
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
786 859 4050

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