Dear Coach Bev,

I have a boyfriend who is a drug addict. I know I am a codependent but I got a lot better now. I need some advice on how to set boundaries. He’s independent and doesn’t need anyone to give him money or asking people to do things for him. But it’s really bothering me when he’s high all the time and doing drugs in front of me.

At this point, I’m recovering and willing to set up boundaries in our relationship. I’m thinking of telling him not to do drugs in front of me or see me only when he’s sober.

Are these boundaries or am I making him to choose me or the drug? Thanks for your help.

Best,

Katrina

Dear Katrina,

Thank you so much for your letter. Congratulations on committing to your own your recovery. You are aware of your boyfriend’s behavior, know when he’s high, and no longer want to be a witness to his doing the drugs or being high.

Your question is so fundamental to the entire field of boundary setting. In recovery, setting boundaries is about figuring out what we are and are not willing to have in our life, letting the people in our life know what those things are and then following through by no longer allowing those things/behaviors in our lives.

Setting boundaries is not just about making a statement.It is also about follow through.  Once you make that statement, expect your loved one to do any and everything to try to break through that boundary. They may lie, deny, beg, try to make deals and intimidate you to make you go back on your word.

For this reason, it is important to know what your truth is in this situation, what you will and will not live what, what you can and cannot stand, how far you will and will not go. If you are not strong in your understanding of what you are willing to live with, it may be best to wait before setting the boundary, because pushback is likely and the manipulation of someone on drugs or alcohol can be very powerful until we get to the point of no return, the point when we are no longer willing to be manipulated, no longer willing to live in unacceptable conditions with someone we love whose behaviors are detrimental and/or repulsive to us.

So, let’s say you are at that point of no return. In your situation, you no longer want to see him taking drugs or being high.

Every person is always at choice. If and when you tell him your boundary of no longer choosing to be with him when he is taking a drug or ‘being high,’ you are giving him an opportunity to make a number of choices, all of which are his to make such as:

* getting sober

* going for treatment

* going to meetings

* getting into therapy

* exploring harm reduction

* stopping taking his drugs around you and still taking them elsewhere

* continuing to lie to you and seeing how that works

* leaving

* stopping on his own

* saying no and seeing how strong you are in your resolve.

If you can tell he is high when he is around you, you will then have the opportunity to call him on that or to put up with it. Should you call him on it, it is likely that he will deny that he is high, but he may also choose any of the other choices above as well.

Your job will be to have clear examples ready to share with him of what his high behavior is like vs. his behavior when he is not high. (Of course, if you are Being a Loving Mirror, you will do so when he is not high (if at all possible)  so that he can hear what you are saying.)  He may continue to deny and simply continue to do as he does.

You will then have a choice of whether to believe his denial or your eyes, ears, experience of him, and intuition. Should you choose to believe your own perceptions, you will then have a choice of whether to continue to be around him.

If there is one thing people who are addicted are good at, it is sniffing out when we are seriously finished with their lies and other behaviors and when we are simply spouting more of the same empty threats.

As long as there is no determination to follow through behind your words, it will not result in any change. He will either fake you out for awhile or simply ignore your demands. Once you are serious, he will know it. You will know it. You will be ‘done’ with the behavior and no longer willing to listen to his retorts, his excuses, his arguments. You will simply share the facts with him and when he tries to argue back, you will simply let him know you are disinterested in hearing what he has to say. That it is time for the behavior to stop (either immediately or in a time frame that you set) or that you will be taking action. (again, sharing consequences in a loving manner is only useful when you are certain you will follow through)

This action could range from kicking him out, leaving yourself, getting a restraining order, not letting him see the children anymore, Marchman Acting him, etc. to simply no longer waiting up for him when he gets home late, no longer getting together or speaking with him on the phone or in person, etc.

It takes strength and determination and often lots of support to set boundaries that stick. Years of going back and forth with an addict can weaken us. But at a certain point, we will know when we have had enough! When you know you have had enough and that nothing (shy of his getting help and sticking with it) can change your mind, it is time to act!

Planning is important. Support is important. Self care is important. Treating yourself and your troubled loved one with dignity and respect is important. Being ‘done’ is not an excuse to treat someone disrespectfully or dismissively. It is a reason to take care of ourselves while continuing to be loving.

Taking such action is a well worn path. It may result in his leaving and at the same time could be the catalyst for his getting help.  At the very very least, taking action on your own behalf will result in YOUR recovery growing stronger.  NOT everyone needs to leave or disengage physically from an addict who is using to stay in recovery themselves. But if this IS what YOU choose, know that you are not forcing him to choose you or his drugs.

His choices are his choices. Your choices are your choices.

How do you choose to live today?

How strong are you in your conviction that you no longer want someone who is using  and being high all the time doing so in front of you and what are you willing to do about it?

Again, there is help. Alanon and Naranon meetings and getting a sponsor can help, as can hiring a Family Recovery Coach!

Again, congratulations on choosing recovery! “Trudging the road to happy destiny” (Big Book of AA) is not always the easiest thing to do. But is filled with miracles and increasing opportunities for joy and inner peace each day.

Looking forward to hearing about your progress!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

www.beverlybuncher.com

786 859 4050

If you would like to have the personal help of a Family Recovery Coach who will:

• help you fast track recovery principles into your life
• provide you with an interactive partner who will help you figure out exactly what it is that you really want
• help you map out a plan to get there
• help you Be a Loving Mirror (TM) in relation to your loved one
• give you support along the way
• help you stay accountable to your goals

let’s get together for a complimentary consult so you can see if that would be a viable path for you.

http://www.addictionland.com/blogs/entry/qhow-can-i-help-my-addicted-love-oneq.html

Thanks for reading!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

www.beverlybuncher.com

www.12stepfamily.com

786 859 4050

For every addict/alcoholic who never makes it to treatment, there are just as many family members affected by their disease, who could learn how to relate to an addict in ways that could help that addict get to the point of willingness to recover, if only those family members knew the principles of how to most effectively relate to an addict.

As a young adult, I remember hearing a radio therapist once refer a caller to Alanon, saying, “They are the experts in alcoholism for the family members. Why go anywhere else?”

30 years later, I am still a regular attendee at Alanon and Naranon meetings, but in too many cases, these amazing programs are revolving doors for family members who don’t see themselves as having a problem that needs help and can’t understand why all of these meetings talk about the family members instead of the people with the problem: the addicts.. As a result, the majority of family members never get help and many make up the walking wounded who appear all around us in everyday life.

Additionally, even today,  many treatment centers still don’t have much to offer the family of the addict/alcoholic to help them understand the power they do have in the life of their loved one’s addiction and potential recovery.

As a family recovery coach, I work with family members everyday who are learning about their potential power amid their powerlessness, and gaining skills that are changing their lives for the better while no longer contributing to the disease of their loved one. While I encourage my clients to go to Alanon, not all of them want to. So, I’ve had to come up with a way to teach family members the principles of recovery using a compact model that they can carry in their wallet and in their head. What I’m seeing happen to those who pick it up, is astounding. Family members who had been obsessed are loosening the reins on their addicts and putting their focus back on their own lives with grace and even enjoyment, and, as happens for those who attend Alanon, the results often rub off on the addict.

I call the principles of recovery that I teach The Twelve Keys to Sanity: Simple Ideas to Transform Chaos to Sanity, and I make them available in individual coaching sessions, classes, coaching groups, and through my forthcoming book by the same name. Some of the ideas are simple ones that many with a recovery background have heard of and anyone who has been going to Alanon for awhile knows by heart, and others come from the world of psychology and addiction studies. For those new to the recovery journey, and others who are willing to learn anew, they are life savers within which all of the other recovery principles can be found.

These 12 Keys are divided into three sections that I refer to as The Four Cornerstones, The Three Relationships and The Four Foundations , practice of these principles culminate in a practitioner’s ability to Be a Loving Mirror™.  One course I teach is about  The Four Foundations which are  Self Care, Being a Loving Person, Setting Boundaries, and Getting Support. These alone guide my clients into a new way of life where they can get their life back and stop enabling their loved one. I take them through a series of exercises and activities to get the principles imbedded into their brains and each week they practice them in real life situations with their loved ones and bring them back to me to let me know how the work has been going.

A few years back I went on a life purpose quest, and soon realized that it is my purpose in life to help the families of addicts to find their way, and to work with so many other dedicated professionals in the field to end relapse for addicts. While many professionals work directly with the addicts themselves, my main contribution is to reach for the goal of ending relapse by working with the family members.  Having walked in their shoes, I know that lost feeling of complete and utter hopelessness. As you watch someone you love so much take the completely wrong path in their life, you try to do anything and everything to get them back on track.

I watched this happen with my own husband who is 3 ½ years into his second recovery since our 26   year marriage began. The first time around, I went to Alanon meetings daily to try to discover the magic key to help him. They told me that the average time for a person whose spouse goes to Alanon to get sober is about 1 ½ years. I believed them and set about learning everything I could about recovery principles. My husband did get sober within that amount of time, though I know that is not a guarantee, just an averae.

One of the most important principles I learned about was being  loving to my husband regardless of what he said or did. This concept of a family member returning love for contempt and being lovingly honest with the addicted loved one about  what their behavior looks like from the outside in is one that my husband said helped him get his life back in order. Years later, I used it again when he relapsed and in the past few years as a coach, I developed this concept into that of Being a Loving Mirror™ (BALM™), which many of my clients have used to help themselves get their lives back and to help their loved ones see themselves in a new light.

When he got to treatment, I attended family group, individual therapy, Alanon, and the education program religiously. I learned all about the addictive process as well as the recovery process and made it my business to understand my role and how to be a partner in recovery for him.

Over the years, I learned so much about recovery through 12 step meetings, therapists, coaches, reading, and also by putting all that I was learning into practice.  Recovery is an action. Family members can make a tremendous difference in their own, and often in their loved ones’ lives, by taking action that is different from what the insanity of addiction leads them to.

The family matters. It matters because each member’s life is precious and without family recovery, each member’s life is devastated, sometimes beyond repair. It matters because with family recovery, each member’s life can be restored and taken to a greater level of happiness and inner peace than thought possible.  It matters because when the family members get well, their addicted loved one’s chances increase of getting well too.

So, if you are affected by the addiction of a loved one, don’t allow the paralysis of hopelessness to hold you down!

Know that where there is life there is hope and that YOU can make a difference in your own life and those of your family members. There is no better time than now to begin anew. Get to an Alanon or Naranon meeting, get a family recovery coach, read about what it means to recover from the family disease of addiction. YOU are worth it! Your loved one is worth it! Every member of your family is worth it!

We may not be able to predict the future, but when we practice recovery principles and make them a part of our day to day lives, we give ourselves the best chance at a new beginning, one that leaves behind the suffering of the past and allows us to heal the pain that has made life until now so difficult.

If I can be of help, let me hear from you! You can reach me at bbuncher@beverlybuncher.com or 786 859 4050.

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

Family Recovery Coach

www.beverlybuncher.com

www.12stepfamily.com

Life happens. And when it does, in full force, how do you respond?

A teacher of mine used to say that it’s not how we respond when things get extremely difficult, but rather how we deal with day to day life when things are going okay that determines the strength of our character. He said that many of us will fall apart, at least initially, when really bad things happen. But, those of us who have some good habits in place overall, will be able to bounce back to them and get our lives back on track more quickly and effectively.

So, where are you in your life right now? Is it one of those “everything is falling apart” times, or are one or two things difficult right now? Or perhaps you are dealing with one huge issue with a family member that is hitting on your last nerve…

Wherever you are in your life, it’s not too late to look at how you cope and make a decision to put some tools into place to help you get your inner life stable so you can handle whatever life is handing you.

Here are a few of the things I am being reminded of as I go through a challenging portion of life these days.

Having a meditation practice in place and using it helps. My good friend Scaughdt, the Peace Pilgrim, calls his practice “Prayditation”. Whatever you call it, have a practice in place. For me, I commit to a minimum of 5 minutes of meditation three times each day, focusing on the breath and simply Being during that time. Afterwards, I think of the things I’m worried about and turn them over to God. Not everyone adds prayer to their meditation, but it works for me.

There are times when I do so for only those five minutes and others for as long as 40 or even 60 minutes. But, the commitment is for 5 minutes no matter what. The  reason for the small commitment is so that I will get myself to sit ‘no matter what’ else is going on in my life.

To be honest, when everything completely falls apart, like when my dad had his 3^rd heart attack in a week and I was at the hospital from early morning til late at night, I forgot to meditate completely. It could have helped me at the time I admit it, but the first two weeks I was totally running on adrenaline. It took a month for me to realize that my life was out of whack, and I was able to trace it back to my having abandoned my daily practice.  No, I’m not being hard on myself! I understand and get why that happened.

Because I had a prior practice in place, as soon as I woke up to the fact that I was off track in key areas of self care, sanity and patience, I started my practice again and very quickly started to regain a sense of centered calm, even in the middle of ongoing storms in several areas of life.

Having a meditation practice is key self care practice for me and each time I take a break from it  I get clearer about why it is so important. What do you have in place to keep you calm and peaceful inside so you can better handle life on life’s terms?

Being loving to those around me is a big part of the picture. I work on lovingkindness in my life and do my best to be kind and patient with those I come in contact with as much as possible. Sometimes, being loving means letting go and letting another person handle their own stuff and not interfering. Sometimes, it means lending a helping hand. Learning to discern which is appropriate when is a process that can take years to learn, or at least a course or two, and is a conversation for another day. Being loving can be really difficult when your own inner resources are depleted or taxed to the limit. Visiting my daughter earlier this year, I found myself able to be patient and loving in some challenging circumstances because I made sure I was taking care of myself. I also noticed that as my own self care diminished, so, too, did my ability to be loving. Family recovery calls us to be loving as the alternative contributes to the dysfunction rather than the recovery of the family. So, self care and being loving are seen here to be closely entwined.

Setting boundaries is also easier when we are thinking clearly and feeling good about ourselves. In recovery, we set boundaries that work for us. We set boundaries in order to be able to That means figuring out what I can handle and what I can’t and taking a stand when necessary to say no to extra burdens that I cannot bear. Those burdens might be other’s emotional issues, extra projects at work, or taking on responsibilities that really belong to other people. When

Another thing that works is having support. Whether it’s a coach, therapist, spiritual director, support group or some combination of these, using these supports regularly builds emotional strength for the times when you need it. Also, having a list of friends to reach out to and share what is going on helps tremendously. I have my four or five people who I know I can call no matter what and I do call them. When things are going haywire, I keep their numbers close by and try to take turns calling different ones at different times so I won’t overdo it on anyone friend. Though I didn’t attend many sessions of anything when my dad was at his sickest, my bank account stayed full long enough until I could start going again and I did use the phone to talk to people who are my emotional supporters. Having an animal in your life helps too. I have a dog named Hercules who makes a world of difference in my life, and I know others who benefit from the emotional support of an animal companion when their world spins out of control and even when it doesn’t.

If you have read my work over the years, you know that these four foundations of self care, being loving, setting boundaries and having support are foundational to living a life in recovery, especially for family members.  I have grown in my understanding and commitment to the need to make meditation central to the self care routine over the years and breathing through the day, even through each moment of the day can be tremendously helpful in handling life’s pressures large and small.

When we do this, day in and day out, when the big storms come, we are prepared for them and better able to weather them.

How well are you prepared? Are your foundations strong? There’s never a better day than today to begin. Choose a foundation and work on it. You can read more about each of these four foundations in more detail by doing a search on the 12stepfamily.com website for each one. Drop me a line to let me know how it’s going and if I can be of help, let me know that too!

Best,

Coach Bev

There are many ways to pursue breathwork. Many forms of meditation focus on the breath, as does yoga. I sit in meditation most mornings and focus on my breath. When I do so regularly, I carry a sense of calm into the rest of my day that allows me to relax from within, think more clearly and breathe through good or bad news rather than do what I used to do.

Have you ever gotten upset and gasped? Next time you do, watch what happens next. Often, you will simply hold your breath as if doing so will keep away any more bad news. It doesn’t work AND it lessens your ability to cope with the news you are hearing.

This keys asks that you not do that. That if you find yourself gasping, you let the air out of that gasp and quite consciously continue to breathe, slowly and steadily, in and out. You’ll be amazed at how calm this simple practice will help you stay.

So, what if you try to do so and you simply can’t? What if you are so tense and involved with waiting for the other shoe to drop that your sense of calm has gone out the window and your breathing is not something you feel you can use to help you regain it?

Don’t despair!

Here are two exercises that will help you practice improving your ability to do so.

Exercise #1:

Whenever the phone rings, instead of mindlessly reaching for it, do this instead:

As soon as you hear the phone ring, breathe in deeply and slowly as you reach for it. Then, let your breath out and answer it. Just this exercise alone will bring you a sense of calm and mindfulness. You will become aware of a well of silence in the midst of your busy day that you can dip into at will. Your shoulders will relax and your mind will as well.

Exercise #2:

Anytime you are about to reach for your door knob to enter or leave your home or answer a knock on the door, do this before opening it:

As you are turning the knob, breathe in deeply and slowly. Then, let your breath out and open the door. This will allow you to break that expectation of “waiting for the other shoe to drop”.  Life is to be lived in seconds and moments and the stillness can add peace to every one of our moments regardless of what is happening in the world around us.

Doing these practices or any breathing practices doesn’t immunize you from upset, trauma or difficulty. Rather, it provides a deep source of silence within yourself that you can count on to give you greater peace and patience to handle life on life’s terms, one day at a time.

Doing so is best done with support….Please allow me to share this commercial with you. If you or someone you know is affected by someone else’s drinking or drugging, please allow me to help you or them and if you think it can help, please share this with them:

Is your loved one’s drinking or using ruining your holiday season?

It doesn’t have to. Take a sanity break! You deserve it!

Join others also affected by their loved ones’ behaviors and learn  new ways to cope, survive and thrive – regardless of your loved one’s decisions –

 with the Loving Mirror™ approach!

Individual and group sessions available on the phone or in person.

Sliding scale will protect your wallet as well!

For more information, call:

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC*

Family Recovery Coach

786-859-4050

bbuncher@beverlybuncher.com

www.beverlybuncher.com

*as featured in The Sun Sentinel online http://articles.sun-sentinel.com/2011-11-16/news/fl-mcf-lifecoach-1110-20111116_1_addicts-sports-coach-family-center

This post will give you an introduction to both. For a more detailed account, you can read James Prochaska’s book Changing for Good.

Stage  Six – Recycling OR Termination –

First we will look at Recycling. When the changer gives up on “the grind”, he goes through what Prochaska calls Recycling or “Learning from Relapse”.

This stage is when a changer, even after great progress, goes back to the behavior they changed earlier. They start drinking or eating or gambling again and their life begins to deteriorate, sometimes slowly, sometimes rather quickly.

Relapse may come on the heels of a family tragedy or due to letting go of the supports that have kept the maintenance going. Or it may be the result of not having been ready to make the change in the first place.

Whatever caused it, when recycling comes, it puts the changer back to the beginning, but not quite. The work and learning she went through is still in her somewhere. Most recyclers don’t give up and are willing to start again. So, this is truly a learning stage.

Harm Reduction expert and author Patti Denning calls this stage “Back to the Drawing Board” and Prochaska says that his research shows that recycling often leads to contemplation, preparation and action again and that most changers need to go through the cycle 3-4 times before being able to get to the final iteration. If self change does not work after several tries, it may be time to get help or to try a different path than the one you have tried again.

Termination – Termination occurs when the changer is finished cycling through the Stages of Change on a specific change. The point is, the struggle is over, the person no longer has the problem in their life. It is resolved.

Some say this never truly occurs. Others believe it is possible.

Prochaska calls this stage “exiting the Stages of Change” and Denning calls it the “I’m over it” stage. While it can take awhile to get there, it is the aspiration of many to do so and more research and writing points in the direction of it being possible.

The 6 Stages of Change, taught in treatment centers, by coaches and by therapists, are useful for the addict to know about and for the family as well. Anything that leads to empathy for oneself and others can be useful as one works through life’s challenges!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

Facilitating Family Recovery

www.beverlybuncher.com

786 859 4050

Stage 4: Action – Up until recently, most people just thought of Action as the change.

“Why don’t you just change?”

“Just do it!”

Even now,  people unfamiliar with the Stages of Change model, don’t realize all that must go into preparing for the actual action to take root and become the person’s new reality. Prochaska calls the Action stage “Time to Move”  and indeed it is!

At this stage, it is time to put all of the preparation into action. There may be some mourning as old friends must be let go of for a time and new types of activities and supports put into place. Depending on the nature of the change, help may be necessary to make this change last.

This stage can last for several months  as one adjusts to a new way of life. It’s amazing how much has to happen before the action takes place but now the time has come and if all of the thinking and preparing has been done in advance, the action step has a much greater chance of succeeding.

Of course, there is still much to do. Here is where the rubber meets the road: taking it all and putting it into practice, one day at a time. It is a time of great excitement and tremendous adjustments – exhilarating and excruciating at the same time. Denning calls this the “Just Do It” stage.

To learn more about how to reduce the harm from your or your loved one’s problem behaviors, join me for a call tomorrow evening when I will be interviewing Kenneth Anderson, author of How to Change Your Drinking: A Harm Reduction Guide to Alcohol and Director of the HAMS Network, an online support group for people working on managing their drug and alcohol usage in order to reduce the harmful consequences they may be currently experiencing. You can sign up at http://beverlybuncher.com/key-5-teleseminar-on-harm-reduction-little-steps-to-big-changes/

All the best,

Coach Bev

The Beverly Buncher Company

Facilitating Family Recovery

786 859 4050

Stage 3: Preparation – Prochaska calls the Preparation stage the “Getting Ready” stage and says that most people in this stage plan to make their change within the month. They have set the date and are involved in activities to help them get ready for the big day.

This stage is important because without the proper planning, the big day may last only that long. The changer at this point may be thinking about what they will do instead of their habit, how they will avoid triggers, how they will begin and how they will keep going.

Whether the  changer is  a parent who wants to stop yelling at their addicted child, an addict who wants to get clean, one who wants to keep using drugs but stop sharing needles, or someone who wants to start flossing every night, without adequate preparation, the change they are planning probably will not last.

There may be a support group to join or a recovery coach or therapist to hire. There may be new activities and friends to find. There may be clean needles or floss to purchase. Thinking about and planning for these are just the tip of the iceberg of what a changer may need to put into place to make their new habit work.

Thus, adequate preparation can have a huge impact on the success of their foray into the next step.  Patti Denning (author of Over the Influence: The Harm Reduction Guide to Managing Alcohol and Drug Use)calls this stage the “uh-oh” stage because plans are becoming real and concrete and the difficulties lying ahead begin to become clearer.

This week, I will be interviewing Kenneth Anderson, author of How to Change Your Drinking: The Harm Reduction Guide to Alcohol at 7 PM ET on Wednesday, October 26th.  Ken runs a network for  those struggling with addictive behaviors who wish to explore options other than a 12 step, total abstinence approach.

To learn more, go to: http://beverlybuncher.com/key-5-teleseminar-on-harm-reduction-little-steps-to-big-changes/.

To sign up to join us or to receive the audio by email, godirectly to:http://forms.aweber.com/form/62/1652809962.htm

Looking forward to seeing you then! And, of course, to learn more about the 6 stages of change,catch my  next blog post on the Action Stage!

Best,

Coach Bev

www.beverlybuncher.com

786 859 4050

 The 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members are designed to provide family members of addicts  with a variety of strong recovery principles and models to help them face the challenges of  loving anyone struggling with addictive behaviors. This month, our focus is on Key 6: The 6 Stages of Change.

Stage One: Pre-Contemplation –  Prochaska also calls this stage “Resistance to Change.” At this stage, you may not even be thinking about whether or not you have a problem. You are just living your life, full throttle, enjoying (or not) and doing what you do. The people around you are most likely aware that something is amiss through little hints like the smoky room due to your chain smoking, the empty fridge due to your binges or the diminishing liquor in the cabinet when there hasn’t been a party in months. Or maybe you had an injury a year ago and are still ordering (and somehow getting) your prescriptions filled, though most people with that exact injury stopped the pills months before. At any rate, you do NOT see a problem. In Patti Denning’s book Over the Influence: The Harm Reduction Guide For Managing Drugs and Alcohol, she and her co-authors call this the “Who Me?” stage.

When your loved one is in this stage of their drinking, drugging, or other dysfunctional behavior, you may or may not be able to reach them. But there are definitely things you can do that will keep them on the defense, and others that could very well begin to wake them up. Like the 4th C, see last month’s posts, where we talked about how you don’t have to contribute to their addiction, your behavior when your loved one is in pre-contemplation is about ‘being there’ for your loved one in a positive, rather than a negative way. Here are some guidelines of things not to do:

When the person is in pre-contemplation, do NOT tell them to Stop Drinking (drugging, etc.). Remember, they don’t think they have a problem. By telling them to stop, you become their problem and they lose a chance to look at their own behavior.

Also, do not nag a pre-contemplator. They’ll just turn off their ears when you start what they see as your harassing behavior.

Of course, don’t enable them.In other words, don’t help them get their substance, don’t provide them with resources to do so, don’t fix the problems they get themselves into and don’t be afraid to stand up to them when they try to manipulate you to do so. Standing up to someone of course is much more effective when it is done without anger or yelling. Be a Loving Mirror with your loved one. Tell them the facts you are seeing, without any emotional attachment to them acting on those facts.

Most importantly, at this point, Do NOT give up on your loved one! When you appear disinterested they think you agree with them that they do not have a problem.

Dr. Prochaska has a powerful table in his book Changing for Good that goes so well with the idea of Being a Loving Mirror. You can find it on page 97 of his book. I recommend photocopying that table and keeping it with you along with your How to Be a Loving Mirror cheat sheets.

In it, he discusses the difference between enablers and helpers as clearly as possible.

I’ll sum it up here, but for a detailed understanding of how to help your loved one move through the stages, check out the book.

He says:

While enablers stay away from confronting the addict or even discussing the drinking or drugging,

Helpers “address specific disruptive and distressing behaviors.”

While enablers lessen the consequences the addict has to face by agreeing that the things happening are not that important (which is what the person in pre-contemplation wants to hear to help them stay in denial),

Helpers “ensure that each negative behavior is followed by a consistent consequence.”

While enablers cover up for the addict, make excuses for them and “even defend problem behaviors”,

Helpers “directly and frequently recommend behavior change.”

But, Coach Bev, you may say, didn’t you just say NOT to tell them to stop?

Telling a drunk in pre-contemplation to stop drinking usually happens when you are tears, or are screaming, yelling, or threatening. THAT does not work.

What can work, is to simply offer yourself as a sounding board, someone who is there, seeing what is going on and not willing to ignore it.

You might say, “Cindy, what can I do to help you with your drugging?” or  ”Cindy, let’s talk about your pot smoking. I’m concerned about how I see it affecting your life.”

You may feel that this is intrusive. I see it as loving. Is it easy? No. But, you can break the ice. Not nag about it, but simply make it an okay topic of conversation designed to break through the fog of your loved one’s pre-contemplation madness. They think everything is just fine. During my last food relapse, which, largely due to my husband’s loving comments, didn’t last as long as it could have, he would see me eating something harmful to me and simply say, “I love you honey and I’m concerned about your eating.” I heard his love and concern and they helped to nudge me awake.

These types of comments and questions are not often fast acting. Being there for someone you love who is harming themselves takes patience. It is more of a longterm investment than a quick fix. But it can be done and it can have an impact.

A couple of reasons it is so important to take care of yourself in the process are:

1. Since the help you are giving doesn’t have instant results, you can burn out if all you do is reach out. Then you are more likely to give up and both of you can end up without recovery or they get well and you are so depleted, you can’t get rid of the anger and resentment over how long it took!
2. Plus, since there is no guarantee that your reaching out to your pre-contemplator will work,  take care of yourself so that you can have a good, even great, life, regardless of the decisions they make for themselves.

Ever try to break a habit? Not easy is it? And the 6  Stages of Change Model will help you understand why – and how –  to break through to success!

Perhaps you have counted on the 21 day idea to get you through – Namely, that if you practice a new behavior for 21 days, you will have momentum that will allow you to more easily move forward to breaking the habit for good. I like that idea and have used it to get me over the hump of difficult changes I am seeking.

But there is more to the picture. The 21 days start once you have begun taking action on your change. What about the days leading up to the very first day you stop an old habit or start a new one?

According to researcher James Prochaska, PhD, those pre-days are just as important, if not more so, than the first 21 days of the action steps. Prochaska’s research on how people change habitual behaviors has resulted in The 6 Stages of Change Model, which is taught in universities and to patients in substance abuse treatment centers all over the world.

If you want to change a behavior in your life, and according to Prochaska, each one of us is in the process of changing 3-4 things in our lives at any given time, you will want to become familiar with this model, as its stages and how you go through them could determine the difference between your success or failure this time around. Most changes take 3-4 spins through the stages to take hold, Prochaska says. But, by becoming familiar with the stages, a self-changer can improve their ability to handle each of the stages more effectively and perhaps reduce the number of retreads they will need to succeed.

Prochaska outlines the process in his book Changing for Good: A Revolutionary Six-Stage Program for Overcoming Bad Habits and Moving Your Life Forward (Harper Paperback, 2006).

If you would like to learn more about the Stages of Change model and reading the book is not on your immediate agenda, keep reading this month’s blog entries. We will look at the Stages of Change model, stage by stage, with tips on how to help yourself or a loved one move forward from stage to stage!

If you would like to begin with an immediate brief overview of the 6 Stages of Change model, click here and I will send you an article that briefly explains each stage for you.

In the meantime, have a Loving Day!

Best,

Coach Bev

www.beverlybuncher.com

786 859 4050