12 Step Family

Your addict is newly sober! It’s what you’ve dreamed of for years and “suddenly” it is here! While they are still in treatment, you feel safe and secure. You know where they are every night. There is no worrying, no fear. But then they come home. Now what? This is part one of a series called “Living with Sobriety”. I’ll be writing at least three of these. Would love to hear your thoughts, feelings and questions. To send me your responses to this post, add your comment below or email me at bbuncher@beverlybuncher.com .

For the family of an addict or alcoholic, life in early sobriety can be a continuation of the roller coaster ride of addiction. Yet, it’s an entirely new experience in a very new theme park. The addict is now who they always were with one exception: no drugs or alcohol. And what an exception that is!

But if you are expecting that once your loved one stops using all your troubles are over, think again. For many families, this time could be fraught with any number of challenges, such as:

• your concern that the sobriety won’t last
• your surprise and disappointment when they want to spend most of their time with their other sober friends and very little of it with the family
• their lack of interest in family events and activities
• their lack of interest in helping out around the house
• they may have no job and no interest in getting one at least for awhile
• they may display a lack of general productivity
• they may become total workaholics to make up for lost time
• they may be indifferent to focusing on their recovery
• fill in the blanks for whatever challenges the new sobriety is bringing to your home.

So, what is a family to do?

In a family I know, when the husband first got sober 30 years ago, the wife was complaining to Frank, an AA/Alanon friend, that her husband wasn’t helping around the house the way he used to. The dishes were piling up, as was the laundry. The wife explained that she used to be able to count on him to go to the laundry room at least 3x per week and that had made her life so much easier (it later came out during his active addiction he had a habit of going to the laundry room to do lines of cocaine along with each load of clothes – but she didn’t yet know that!).

Now she had to do everything herself and all her husband wanted to do was go to meetings, hang out with his new friends, take naps, watch TV and work a few hours a day. She didn’t like it. Plus, he would not go to family events no matter how much she guilted or nagged him. The house was getting to be a mess because she wasn’t cleaning up after him and he had suddenly become a slob.

Her friend Frank’s answer, “If you want clean dishes, clean them. If you want clean laundry, wash it. If you want a neat house, pick up whatever is lying around. If you want to go to family events, go. If not, leave everything exactly where it is. What he does or does not do is none of your business. In other words,” he concluded, “Sit down, shut up, and smile.”

Frank further enlightened the wife on the first year of sobriety by explaining that it was probably taking every bit of her husband’s energy reserves to stay sober and figure out this new way of living without substances. And that if she liked the idea of living with someone sober, it would be in her best interest, for the next year, to simply do her own thing, treat him with dignity and respect, and not have any expectations of what he would or would not do to improve the quality of her life, their home or their family life.

At first, she felt angry. After all, she didn’t go through all that she had gone through to be single while married!!!

But then, she listened some more. Frank went on to explain that if she took care of herself and her responsibilities without putting pressure on her recovering husband over the course of the first year and if she went to meetings and worked her own program, she would most likely find that after a year or so, with his sobriety becoming an established habit, he would begin to reestablish himself as a contributing member of their coupleship and the family as well.

Mmmm…she thought about it and decided to take her wise friend’s words seriously. Frank had been sober for many years himself, was a member of Alanon too, and understood the dynamic of what happens in early sobriety and what it takes to make it stick.

So, she did a few things differently: she started taking care of those household chores that mattered to her and stopped nagging her husband to pull his weight, knowing that most of his energy was needed at that point in time to stay on the recovery path.

If a social or family event came up, instead of bugging him to go, she went if she wanted to and stayed home if she didn’t. When people asked where he was, she told them whatever she felt like telling them – usually something like: he couldn’t make it or he was busy or he was tired or he needed some at home time or he had a meeting – and she stopped caring about what they must be thinking or how she and her husband were ‘fitting in’ with those around them.

In other words. she got her priorities straight. She put her husband’s sobriety and the future their family first. She saw that if she was willing to be patient and keep the focus of her own “improvement advice” on herself rather than on him, she could contribute to a sober future for their family.

But, what about his behavior, you may ask. Was he this perfect sober person? Was he acting in ways that were risking his sobriety and if she saw them what did she do? Honestly, those are great questions. I’m glad you asked! There were times, at the beginning of her husband’s first sobriety and at the beginning of his latest and current sobriety which began 10 years ago, when she was worried.

When she noticed behaviors which indicated a potential back slide, what she  learned over the years was that “Sit down, Shut up and Smile” (also known as the three S’s) does not apply to these situations in the same way it applies to household chores and social events.

What she learned works instead, and what I teach,  is that Being a Loving Mirror (TM) is just as valid and important in early sobriety (and throughout a relationship really) as it is when an addict is using. And here is how to use it in early sobriety:

• If you notice your loved one skipping meetings, speaking in ways that are reminiscent of his  addiction days, yelling at you (if for instance he was a rage-aholic during his addiction), or acting in other ways that set off an alarm that he might be sliding backwards or about to, find a quiet time to speak privately with him and let him know what you are seeing, without judgement or anger, just factually.
• In the beginning, let your partner know that you are  going to be a new kind of partner to him, that you are no longer going to watch him act in ways that seemed dangerous or scary to you and ignore them, or yell about them, or beg or plead or talk about them behind his back. Instead, that you are going to name them to him objectively so he can count on having someone watching his back.
• If your loved one wants wellness and sobriety, he will probably be glad to have you do it theoretically, though, in the moment of your giving him the feedback it will probably be the last thing he wants to hear.
•  That’s why the loving mirror approach is so powerful. You state what you see without emotion, provide your boundaries in the situation (if appropriate and necessary), and then stop. No long lectures, no opinions, no nagging.
• Facts, boundaries, stop.

Of course, this is a sensitive process that often requires support to learn, practice and pull off and it is what I help my clients figure out when and how to most effectively do. In many families, this happens several times in early sobriety, and your willingness to be there, without judgment, as a mirror of what is going on, will give your loved one additional nugget of feedback to more quickly get back on track.

This is not about you being so powerful. It’s about learning tools that have the best chance of making a difference. Of course, it will be  up to your loved one to respond and wake back up. That part  is not ever in the family member’s hands. Results are out of your hands as a family member of an addicted loved one.

Only the power to respond powerfully with recovery principles is yours to embrace. Detachment in early sobriety means letting go of the results. Sometimes, to encourage a united family approach to this work, I work with both family member and the recovering loved one, at least for a short time,  to help both get on the same page vis-a-vis communication and growing together.

During your loved one’s first year of sobriety,  start looking at how you want to live and begin doing so! Find some new interests and friends and begin enjoying your life more, and  let go of the worry of what your loved one might be doing or not doing.

Interestingly enough, at the end of the first year, the wife I told you about above noticed a slight shift in her husband. He began to want to attend family events. He started offering to do the dishes occasionally or even cook dinner. They started to go to meetings together as well as have coffee with couples they met who were in AA and Alanon, and they started to enjoy a family life that over the years grew into something much better than what they had had before he got sober or during that first year.

In sum, the lessons of going through early sobriety with a loved one are very similar to going through active using with them:

• Keep the focus on yourself
• Treat your loved one with dignity and respect
• Be a Loving Mirror - give honest, objective, loving feedback to what you are seeing – and then let go of results and get the focus back on yourself.
• Use recovery principles to guide your life
• Let go of expectations

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This morning I began writing my blog for family members. I decided to focus on life in sobriety. As I started writing, I found myself writing just about what I usually write for families struggling with using addicts  - and then it hit me! There is only one message.

One message when they are using and one message when they get sober. In one word, it is LOVE. In several, it is: Focus on yourself and communicate lovingly. This one message, of loving yourself and loving the addict above all else, is powerful, effective, and easier said than done. So, I’ve decided to write about the nitty gritty details over the next few posts.

We will start with early sobriety (year one). I think I’ll call that one: Sit down, shut up and smile.

Then we will go into developing sobriety (years 2-5). I think I’ll call that: Get a life!

And finally, we will discuss, ongoing sobriety, where life simply is and the memory of the using days are but a distant memory. That one, I’ll call: Be vigilant – about your own recovery!

So, look for these upcoming posts. They may come out slowly or quickly as life has been getting in the way of my writing, but out they will come!

Looking forward to communicating with you as we look at this issue of how to living with a clean and sober loved one! Please feel free to send me your letters and quieries on this topic of being a family member of a sober addict or alcoholic! Would love to anonyously publish your letters and answer them. Chances are, if you have a question, others have it too!

Best to you and yours!

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

Family Recovery Coach

Be A Loving Mirror!!! (BALM)

786 859 4050

www.beverlybuncher.com

To sign up for a complimentary session with Coach Bev, click here.

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Hi Everyone!

Dealing with an addict’s behavior is one of the toughest things a family member, friend or work colleague can be asked to do! My colleague Melissa Killeen calls the harm done to the family part of the collateral damage of addiction and she asked me, as an expert in family recovery coaching, to list some tips to help family members deal with their addict’s behaviors. So I did. Click here to see that post.

Melissa is a recovery coach for business owners who are in recovery, perhaps just getting out of treatment,  go the the next step by dealing with the collateral damage of their addiction. She has the coaching, recovery, and business expertise to help the newly sober do the work to reestablish their lives effectively.  We work well together, she with the business owner and I with their family.

In addition, once a person is established in their sobriety, one thing I do is help them figure out the contribution they are meant to make in their life through my Life Purpose in Recovery Coaching. (To learn more about this or any other services I offer, click here.)

Hope we will have the opportunity to serve you! Check out the recent post I wrote for Melissa’s blog by clicking here. Once you get to the blog, you will also have access to her wide range of recovery coaching information  as well!

Best to you and yours,

Coach Bev

To set up a complimentary coaching session with me, click here.

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Overview of Section Two:

The Four Cornerstones of Family Recovery

Now that you’ve become acquainted with the three relationships, there are four things you will need to be aware of to take your recovery to the next level. These interactive ideas about recovery can spell the difference between continuing to view your loved one as a pathetic person who is purposefully trying to hurt you and seeing them as a human being struggling in ways that you can only help with tools you have not yet learned!

These Four Cornerstones of Recovery are a great place to start your recovery journey as well. They let you know that your loved one’s journey is theirs to take and begin to give you tools to better understand them and yourself in relationship to them, along with ways to actually cope with the situation you have landed in.

Here is a Brief Overview of each:

The Four C’s are as old as the Alanon hills, yet not everyone in Alanon knows there are four! Most have been taught only three! They are guide posts to understanding which part of your addicted loved one’s situation is YOUR fault (none of it),which part you can control (none of it), which part you can fix (none of it).  But the fourth C lets you know that you are NOT completely off the hook! You, as a family member, have the ability and the power to contribute to their continued using or their potential recovery. To find out more, read chapter four: The Four C’s.

The Six Stages of Change model was developed by a researcher whose own father died of alcoholism. When Dr. James Prochaska, PhD,  was a boy, he watched his father lose his battle with the bottle and began to wonder what helps people make huge changes in their lives and what keeps them from doing so. In college he studied psychology and later, he led a group of researchers to study every psychological change model to figure out which of those models would be most useful to those struggling with changing destructive habits. Instead, he found that when the models were used was more important than which models were used. The value of understanding this model cannot be overestimated as a way to help you help your loved ones – and yourself as you struggle to let go of their using.

Breath Through Each Moment is all about how conscious breathing can help us get through the most difficult times with much greater ease. Having a regular meditation practice each day is optimal, but even taking a few moments here and there to simply breathe deeply and slowly can make a real difference in your life! This chapter will give you ideas of ways to implement both options into your life, and just learning these techniques can be life changing and help you make tremendous progress toward becoming a loving mirror.

You are Your Addict’s Best Chance of Recovery! Understanding this cornerstone can have a profound impact on your ability to have a positive influence on your loved one. For years, family members struggle to help their loved ones. It’s just that the  methods they use often make things worse. Things like yelling, begging, guilting, coercing, manipulating, etc., turn you into a nag and your loved one into someone who does not want to be anywhere near you. By learning what works best when communicating with an addict and what doesn’t, you have a better chance of  helping your loved one decide to get well. While there are no guarantees, there is no harm in increasing your chances through learning more effective tools for living and communicating. And, this is what this cornerstone is all about.

As you move forward through the Four Cornerstones Chapters, you will find yourself better equipped to do the work to Become a Loving Mirror™, one page and one day at a time!

Looking forward to getting this book to you in the near future!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

Family Recovery Coach

beverlybuncher.com

12stepfamily.com

786 859 4050

Call me for a complimentary session and let’s see how Family Recovery Coaching can help you move forward with your life and help your loved one do so as well!

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This month’s Keys are The Four Foundations: Self Care, Being a Loving Person, Setting Boundaries, and Getting Support. I received this letter last night from a reader wondering how setting boundaries would affect her addict’s behaviors…

Dear Coach Bev,

I have a boyfriend who is a drug addict. I know I am a codependent but I got a lot better now. I need some advice on how to set boundaries. He’s independent and doesn’t need anyone to give him money or asking people to do things for him. But it’s really bothering me when he’s high all the time and doing drugs in front of me.

At this point, I’m recovering and willing to set up boundaries in our relationship. I’m thinking of telling him not to do drugs in front of me or see me only when he’s sober.

Are these boundaries or am I making him to choose me or the drug? Thanks for your help.

Best,

Katrina

Dear Katrina,

Thank you so much for your letter. Congratulations on committing to your own your recovery. You are aware of your boyfriend’s behavior, know when he’s high, and no longer want to be a witness to his doing the drugs or being high.

Your question is so fundamental to the entire field of boundary setting. In recovery, setting boundaries is about figuring out what we are and are not willing to have in our life, letting the people in our life know what those things are and then following through by no longer allowing those things/behaviors in our lives.

Setting boundaries is not just about making a statement.It is also about follow through.  Once you make that statement, expect your loved one to do any and everything to try to break through that boundary. They may lie, deny, beg, try to make deals and intimidate you to make you go back on your word.

For this reason, it is important to know what your truth is in this situation, what you will and will not live what, what you can and cannot stand, how far you will and will not go. If you are not strong in your understanding of what you are willing to live with, it may be best to wait before setting the boundary, because pushback is likely and the manipulation of someone on drugs or alcohol can be very powerful until we get to the point of no return, the point when we are no longer willing to be manipulated, no longer willing to live in unacceptable conditions with someone we love whose behaviors are detrimental and/or repulsive to us.

So, let’s say you are at that point of no return. In your situation, you no longer want to see him taking drugs or being high.

Every person is always at choice. If and when you tell him your boundary of no longer choosing to be with him when he is taking a drug or ‘being high,’ you are giving him an opportunity to make a number of choices, all of which are his to make such as:

* getting sober

* going for treatment

* going to meetings

* getting into therapy

* exploring harm reduction

* stopping taking his drugs around you and still taking them elsewhere

* continuing to lie to you and seeing how that works

* leaving

* stopping on his own

* saying no and seeing how strong you are in your resolve.

If you can tell he is high when he is around you, you will then have the opportunity to call him on that or to put up with it. Should you call him on it, it is likely that he will deny that he is high, but he may also choose any of the other choices above as well.

Your job will be to have clear examples ready to share with him of what his high behavior is like vs. his behavior when he is not high. (Of course, if you are Being a Loving Mirror, you will do so when he is not high (if at all possible)  so that he can hear what you are saying.)  He may continue to deny and simply continue to do as he does.

You will then have a choice of whether to believe his denial or your eyes, ears, experience of him, and intuition. Should you choose to believe your own perceptions, you will then have a choice of whether to continue to be around him.

If there is one thing people who are addicted are good at, it is sniffing out when we are seriously finished with their lies and other behaviors and when we are simply spouting more of the same empty threats.

As long as there is no determination to follow through behind your words, it will not result in any change. He will either fake you out for awhile or simply ignore your demands. Once you are serious, he will know it. You will know it. You will be ‘done’ with the behavior and no longer willing to listen to his retorts, his excuses, his arguments. You will simply share the facts with him and when he tries to argue back, you will simply let him know you are disinterested in hearing what he has to say. That it is time for the behavior to stop (either immediately or in a time frame that you set) or that you will be taking action. (again, sharing consequences in a loving manner is only useful when you are certain you will follow through)

This action could range from kicking him out, leaving yourself, getting a restraining order, not letting him see the children anymore, Marchman Acting him, etc. to simply no longer waiting up for him when he gets home late, no longer getting together or speaking with him on the phone or in person, etc.

It takes strength and determination and often lots of support to set boundaries that stick. Years of going back and forth with an addict can weaken us. But at a certain point, we will know when we have had enough! When you know you have had enough and that nothing (shy of his getting help and sticking with it) can change your mind, it is time to act!

Planning is important. Support is important. Self care is important. Treating yourself and your troubled loved one with dignity and respect is important. Being ‘done’ is not an excuse to treat someone disrespectfully or dismissively. It is a reason to take care of ourselves while continuing to be loving.

Taking such action is a well worn path. It may result in his leaving and at the same time could be the catalyst for his getting help.  At the very very least, taking action on your own behalf will result in YOUR recovery growing stronger.  NOT everyone needs to leave or disengage physically from an addict who is using to stay in recovery themselves. But if this IS what YOU choose, know that you are not forcing him to choose you or his drugs.

His choices are his choices. Your choices are your choices.

How do you choose to live today?

How strong are you in your conviction that you no longer want someone who is using  and being high all the time doing so in front of you and what are you willing to do about it?

Again, there is help. Alanon and Naranon meetings and getting a sponsor can help, as can hiring a Family Recovery Coach!

Again, congratulations on choosing recovery! “Trudging the road to happy destiny” (Big Book of AA) is not always the easiest thing to do. But is filled with miracles and increasing opportunities for joy and inner peace each day.

Looking forward to hearing about your progress!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

www.beverlybuncher.com

786 859 4050

If you would like to have the personal help of a Family Recovery Coach who will:

• help you fast track recovery principles into your life
• provide you with an interactive partner who will help you figure out exactly what it is that you really want
• help you map out a plan to get there
• help you Be a Loving Mirror (TM) in relation to your loved one
• give you support along the way
• help you stay accountable to your goals

let’s get together for a complimentary consult so you can see if that would be a viable path for you.

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This week ends my month long visit to Addictionland as their Expert of the Month. Here is the link to a blog I wrote about what it is like to watch a loved one kill themselves with substances and options of ways to get help for YOU…

http://www.addictionland.com/blogs/entry/qhow-can-i-help-my-addicted-love-oneq.html

Thanks for reading!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

www.beverlybuncher.com

www.12stepfamily.com

786 859 4050

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For every addict /alcoholic who goes into treatment, there are 5-20 family members on average affected by their disease and at least half that many, whose behaviors may have a direct impact on the addict in early recovery and beyond.

For every addict/alcoholic who never makes it to treatment, there are just as many family members affected by their disease, who could learn how to relate to an addict in ways that could help that addict get to the point of willingness to recover, if only those family members knew the principles of how to most effectively relate to an addict.

As a young adult, I remember hearing a radio therapist once refer a caller to Alanon, saying, “They are the experts in alcoholism for the family members. Why go anywhere else?”

30 years later, I am still a regular attendee at Alanon and Naranon meetings, but in too many cases, these amazing programs are revolving doors for family members who don’t see themselves as having a problem that needs help and can’t understand why all of these meetings talk about the family members instead of the people with the problem: the addicts.. As a result, the majority of family members never get help and many make up the walking wounded who appear all around us in everyday life.

Additionally, even today,  many treatment centers still don’t have much to offer the family of the addict/alcoholic to help them understand the power they do have in the life of their loved one’s addiction and potential recovery.

As a family recovery coach, I work with family members everyday who are learning about their potential power amid their powerlessness, and gaining skills that are changing their lives for the better while no longer contributing to the disease of their loved one. While I encourage my clients to go to Alanon, not all of them want to. So, I’ve had to come up with a way to teach family members the principles of recovery using a compact model that they can carry in their wallet and in their head. What I’m seeing happen to those who pick it up, is astounding. Family members who had been obsessed are loosening the reins on their addicts and putting their focus back on their own lives with grace and even enjoyment, and, as happens for those who attend Alanon, the results often rub off on the addict.

I call the principles of recovery that I teach The Twelve Keys to Sanity: Simple Ideas to Transform Chaos to Sanity, and I make them available in individual coaching sessions, classes, coaching groups, and through my forthcoming book by the same name. Some of the ideas are simple ones that many with a recovery background have heard of and anyone who has been going to Alanon for awhile knows by heart, and others come from the world of psychology and addiction studies. For those new to the recovery journey, and others who are willing to learn anew, they are life savers within which all of the other recovery principles can be found.

These 12 Keys are divided into three sections that I refer to as The Four Cornerstones, The Three Relationships and The Four Foundations , practice of these principles culminate in a practitioner’s ability to Be a Loving Mirror™.  One course I teach is about  The Four Foundations which are  Self Care, Being a Loving Person, Setting Boundaries, and Getting Support. These alone guide my clients into a new way of life where they can get their life back and stop enabling their loved one. I take them through a series of exercises and activities to get the principles imbedded into their brains and each week they practice them in real life situations with their loved ones and bring them back to me to let me know how the work has been going.

A few years back I went on a life purpose quest, and soon realized that it is my purpose in life to help the families of addicts to find their way, and to work with so many other dedicated professionals in the field to end relapse for addicts. While many professionals work directly with the addicts themselves, my main contribution is to reach for the goal of ending relapse by working with the family members.  Having walked in their shoes, I know that lost feeling of complete and utter hopelessness. As you watch someone you love so much take the completely wrong path in their life, you try to do anything and everything to get them back on track.

I watched this happen with my own husband who is 3 ½ years into his second recovery since our 26   year marriage began. The first time around, I went to Alanon meetings daily to try to discover the magic key to help him. They told me that the average time for a person whose spouse goes to Alanon to get sober is about 1 ½ years. I believed them and set about learning everything I could about recovery principles. My husband did get sober within that amount of time, though I know that is not a guarantee, just an averae.

One of the most important principles I learned about was being  loving to my husband regardless of what he said or did. This concept of a family member returning love for contempt and being lovingly honest with the addicted loved one about  what their behavior looks like from the outside in is one that my husband said helped him get his life back in order. Years later, I used it again when he relapsed and in the past few years as a coach, I developed this concept into that of Being a Loving Mirror™ (BALM™), which many of my clients have used to help themselves get their lives back and to help their loved ones see themselves in a new light.

When he got to treatment, I attended family group, individual therapy, Alanon, and the education program religiously. I learned all about the addictive process as well as the recovery process and made it my business to understand my role and how to be a partner in recovery for him.

Over the years, I learned so much about recovery through 12 step meetings, therapists, coaches, reading, and also by putting all that I was learning into practice.  Recovery is an action. Family members can make a tremendous difference in their own, and often in their loved ones’ lives, by taking action that is different from what the insanity of addiction leads them to.

The family matters. It matters because each member’s life is precious and without family recovery, each member’s life is devastated, sometimes beyond repair. It matters because with family recovery, each member’s life can be restored and taken to a greater level of happiness and inner peace than thought possible.  It matters because when the family members get well, their addicted loved one’s chances increase of getting well too.

So, if you are affected by the addiction of a loved one, don’t allow the paralysis of hopelessness to hold you down!

Know that where there is life there is hope and that YOU can make a difference in your own life and those of your family members. There is no better time than now to begin anew. Get to an Alanon or Naranon meeting, get a family recovery coach, read about what it means to recover from the family disease of addiction. YOU are worth it! Your loved one is worth it! Every member of your family is worth it!

We may not be able to predict the future, but when we practice recovery principles and make them a part of our day to day lives, we give ourselves the best chance at a new beginning, one that leaves behind the suffering of the past and allows us to heal the pain that has made life until now so difficult.

If I can be of help, let me hear from you! You can reach me at bbuncher@beverlybuncher.com or 786 859 4050.

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

Family Recovery Coach

www.beverlybuncher.com

www.12stepfamily.com

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Sometimes it is all too much. You have a child who is struggling in school, with substances, or with life, your spouse is struggling or needs your attention or is out of work or you don’t have one, you have conflicts at work or even lose your job, and then one of your parents takes ill.  Do any of these possible scenarios sound familiar to you?

Life happens. And when it does, in full force, how do you respond?

A teacher of mine used to say that it’s not how we respond when things get extremely difficult, but rather how we deal with day to day life when things are going okay that determines the strength of our character. He said that many of us will fall apart, at least initially, when really bad things happen. But, those of us who have some good habits in place overall, will be able to bounce back to them and get our lives back on track more quickly and effectively.

So, where are you in your life right now? Is it one of those “everything is falling apart” times, or are one or two things difficult right now? Or perhaps you are dealing with one huge issue with a family member that is hitting on your last nerve…

Wherever you are in your life, it’s not too late to look at how you cope and make a decision to put some tools into place to help you get your inner life stable so you can handle whatever life is handing you.

Here are a few of the things I am being reminded of as I go through a challenging portion of life these days.

Having a meditation practice in place and using it helps. My good friend Scaughdt, the Peace Pilgrim, calls his practice “Prayditation”. Whatever you call it, have a practice in place. For me, I commit to a minimum of 5 minutes of meditation three times each day, focusing on the breath and simply Being during that time. Afterwards, I think of the things I’m worried about and turn them over to God. Not everyone adds prayer to their meditation, but it works for me.

There are times when I do so for only those five minutes and others for as long as 40 or even 60 minutes. But, the commitment is for 5 minutes no matter what. The  reason for the small commitment is so that I will get myself to sit ‘no matter what’ else is going on in my life.

To be honest, when everything completely falls apart, like when my dad had his 3^rd heart attack in a week and I was at the hospital from early morning til late at night, I forgot to meditate completely. It could have helped me at the time I admit it, but the first two weeks I was totally running on adrenaline. It took a month for me to realize that my life was out of whack, and I was able to trace it back to my having abandoned my daily practice.  No, I’m not being hard on myself! I understand and get why that happened.

Because I had a prior practice in place, as soon as I woke up to the fact that I was off track in key areas of self care, sanity and patience, I started my practice again and very quickly started to regain a sense of centered calm, even in the middle of ongoing storms in several areas of life.

Having a meditation practice is key self care practice for me and each time I take a break from it  I get clearer about why it is so important. What do you have in place to keep you calm and peaceful inside so you can better handle life on life’s terms?

Being loving to those around me is a big part of the picture. I work on lovingkindness in my life and do my best to be kind and patient with those I come in contact with as much as possible. Sometimes, being loving means letting go and letting another person handle their own stuff and not interfering. Sometimes, it means lending a helping hand. Learning to discern which is appropriate when is a process that can take years to learn, or at least a course or two, and is a conversation for another day. Being loving can be really difficult when your own inner resources are depleted or taxed to the limit. Visiting my daughter earlier this year, I found myself able to be patient and loving in some challenging circumstances because I made sure I was taking care of myself. I also noticed that as my own self care diminished, so, too, did my ability to be loving. Family recovery calls us to be loving as the alternative contributes to the dysfunction rather than the recovery of the family. So, self care and being loving are seen here to be closely entwined.

Setting boundaries is also easier when we are thinking clearly and feeling good about ourselves. In recovery, we set boundaries that work for us. We set boundaries in order to be able to That means figuring out what I can handle and what I can’t and taking a stand when necessary to say no to extra burdens that I cannot bear. Those burdens might be other’s emotional issues, extra projects at work, or taking on responsibilities that really belong to other people. When

Another thing that works is having support. Whether it’s a coach, therapist, spiritual director, support group or some combination of these, using these supports regularly builds emotional strength for the times when you need it. Also, having a list of friends to reach out to and share what is going on helps tremendously. I have my four or five people who I know I can call no matter what and I do call them. When things are going haywire, I keep their numbers close by and try to take turns calling different ones at different times so I won’t overdo it on anyone friend. Though I didn’t attend many sessions of anything when my dad was at his sickest, my bank account stayed full long enough until I could start going again and I did use the phone to talk to people who are my emotional supporters. Having an animal in your life helps too. I have a dog named Hercules who makes a world of difference in my life, and I know others who benefit from the emotional support of an animal companion when their world spins out of control and even when it doesn’t.

If you have read my work over the years, you know that these four foundations of self care, being loving, setting boundaries and having support are foundational to living a life in recovery, especially for family members.  I have grown in my understanding and commitment to the need to make meditation central to the self care routine over the years and breathing through the day, even through each moment of the day can be tremendously helpful in handling life’s pressures large and small.

When we do this, day in and day out, when the big storms come, we are prepared for them and better able to weather them.

How well are you prepared? Are your foundations strong? There’s never a better day than today to begin. Choose a foundation and work on it. You can read more about each of these four foundations in more detail by doing a search on the 12stepfamily.com website for each one. Drop me a line to let me know how it’s going and if I can be of help, let me know that too!

Best,

Coach Bev

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Breathing through each moment is about staying conscious, in the moment, even when things are difficult to handle and life dishes out more than we think we can possibly bear. The past couple of months challenged me to do so in completely new ways (see yesterday’s post). I can honestly say that i used this key, breathe through each moment, to help me stay sane. And I’m also aware that I could have used it more often.

There are many ways to pursue breathwork. Many forms of meditation focus on the breath, as does yoga. I sit in meditation most mornings and focus on my breath. When I do so regularly, I carry a sense of calm into the rest of my day that allows me to relax from within, think more clearly and breathe through good or bad news rather than do what I used to do.

Have you ever gotten upset and gasped? Next time you do, watch what happens next. Often, you will simply hold your breath as if doing so will keep away any more bad news. It doesn’t work AND it lessens your ability to cope with the news you are hearing.

This keys asks that you not do that. That if you find yourself gasping, you let the air out of that gasp and quite consciously continue to breathe, slowly and steadily, in and out. You’ll be amazed at how calm this simple practice will help you stay.

So, what if you try to do so and you simply can’t? What if you are so tense and involved with waiting for the other shoe to drop that your sense of calm has gone out the window and your breathing is not something you feel you can use to help you regain it?

Don’t despair!

Here are two exercises that will help you practice improving your ability to do so.

Exercise #1:

Whenever the phone rings, instead of mindlessly reaching for it, do this instead:

As soon as you hear the phone ring, breathe in deeply and slowly as you reach for it. Then, let your breath out and answer it. Just this exercise alone will bring you a sense of calm and mindfulness. You will become aware of a well of silence in the midst of your busy day that you can dip into at will. Your shoulders will relax and your mind will as well.

Exercise #2:

Anytime you are about to reach for your door knob to enter or leave your home or answer a knock on the door, do this before opening it:

As you are turning the knob, breathe in deeply and slowly. Then, let your breath out and open the door. This will allow you to break that expectation of “waiting for the other shoe to drop”.  Life is to be lived in seconds and moments and the stillness can add peace to every one of our moments regardless of what is happening in the world around us.

Doing these practices or any breathing practices doesn’t immunize you from upset, trauma or difficulty. Rather, it provides a deep source of silence within yourself that you can count on to give you greater peace and patience to handle life on life’s terms, one day at a time.

Doing so is best done with support….Please allow me to share this commercial with you. If you or someone you know is affected by someone else’s drinking or drugging, please allow me to help you or them and if you think it can help, please share this with them:

Is your loved one’s drinking or using ruining your holiday season?

It doesn’t have to. Take a sanity break! You deserve it!

Join others also affected by their loved ones’ behaviors and learn  new ways to cope, survive and thrive – regardless of your loved one’s decisions –

 with the Loving Mirror™ approach!

Individual and group sessions available on the phone or in person.

Sliding scale will protect your wallet as well!

For more information, call:

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC*

Family Recovery Coach

786-859-4050

bbuncher@beverlybuncher.com

www.beverlybuncher.com

*as featured in The Sun Sentinel online http://articles.sun-sentinel.com/2011-11-16/news/fl-mcf-lifecoach-1110-20111116_1_addicts-sports-coach-family-center

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If you have ever tried to change a habit or behavior and it hasn’t worked, you’ve experienced the first half of stage six of the 6 stages of change: Recycling. If your change has worked and you’ve gone through the first five stages successfully, you may have reached what Researcher James Prochaska calls Termination.

This post will give you an introduction to both. For a more detailed account, you can read James Prochaska’s book Changing for Good.

Stage  Six – Recycling OR Termination –

First we will look at Recycling. When the changer gives up on “the grind”, he goes through what Prochaska calls Recycling or “Learning from Relapse”.

This stage is when a changer, even after great progress, goes back to the behavior they changed earlier. They start drinking or eating or gambling again and their life begins to deteriorate, sometimes slowly, sometimes rather quickly.

Relapse may come on the heels of a family tragedy or due to letting go of the supports that have kept the maintenance going. Or it may be the result of not having been ready to make the change in the first place.

Whatever caused it, when recycling comes, it puts the changer back to the beginning, but not quite. The work and learning she went through is still in her somewhere. Most recyclers don’t give up and are willing to start again. So, this is truly a learning stage.

Harm Reduction expert and author Patti Denning calls this stage “Back to the Drawing Board” and Prochaska says that his research shows that recycling often leads to contemplation, preparation and action again and that most changers need to go through the cycle 3-4 times before being able to get to the final iteration. If self change does not work after several tries, it may be time to get help or to try a different path than the one you have tried again.

Termination – Termination occurs when the changer is finished cycling through the Stages of Change on a specific change. The point is, the struggle is over, the person no longer has the problem in their life. It is resolved.

Some say this never truly occurs. Others believe it is possible.

Prochaska calls this stage “exiting the Stages of Change” and Denning calls it the “I’m over it” stage. While it can take awhile to get there, it is the aspiration of many to do so and more research and writing points in the direction of it being possible.

The 6 Stages of Change, taught in treatment centers, by coaches and by therapists, are useful for the addict to know about and for the family as well. Anything that leads to empathy for oneself and others can be useful as one works through life’s challenges!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

Facilitating Family Recovery

www.beverlybuncher.com

786 859 4050

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