12 Step Family

This morning I began writing my blog for family members. I decided to focus on life in sobriety. As I started writing, I found myself writing just about what I usually write for families struggling with using addicts  - and then it hit me! There is only one message.

One message when they are using and one message when they get sober. In one word, it is LOVE. In several, it is: Focus on yourself and communicate lovingly. This one message, of loving yourself and loving the addict above all else, is powerful, effective, and easier said than done. So, I’ve decided to write about the nitty gritty details over the next few posts.

We will start with early sobriety (year one). I think I’ll call that one: Sit down, shut up and smile.

Then we will go into developing sobriety (years 2-5). I think I’ll call that: Get a life!

And finally, we will discuss, ongoing sobriety, where life simply is and the memory of the using days are but a distant memory. That one, I’ll call: Be vigilant – about your own recovery!

So, look for these upcoming posts. They may come out slowly or quickly as life has been getting in the way of my writing, but out they will come!

Looking forward to communicating with you as we look at this issue of how to living with a clean and sober loved one! Please feel free to send me your letters and quieries on this topic of being a family member of a sober addict or alcoholic! Would love to anonyously publish your letters and answer them. Chances are, if you have a question, others have it too!

Best to you and yours!

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

Family Recovery Coach

Be A Loving Mirror!!! (BALM)

786 859 4050

www.beverlybuncher.com

To sign up for a complimentary session with Coach Bev, click here.

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Hi Everyone!

Dealing with an addict’s behavior is one of the toughest things a family member, friend or work colleague can be asked to do! My colleague Melissa Killeen calls the harm done to the family part of the collateral damage of addiction and she asked me, as an expert in family recovery coaching, to list some tips to help family members deal with their addict’s behaviors. So I did. Click here to see that post.

Melissa is a recovery coach for business owners who are in recovery, perhaps just getting out of treatment,  go the the next step by dealing with the collateral damage of their addiction. She has the coaching, recovery, and business expertise to help the newly sober do the work to reestablish their lives effectively.  We work well together, she with the business owner and I with their family.

In addition, once a person is established in their sobriety, one thing I do is help them figure out the contribution they are meant to make in their life through my Life Purpose in Recovery Coaching. (To learn more about this or any other services I offer, click here.)

Hope we will have the opportunity to serve you! Check out the recent post I wrote for Melissa’s blog by clicking here. Once you get to the blog, you will also have access to her wide range of recovery coaching information  as well!

Best to you and yours,

Coach Bev

To set up a complimentary coaching session with me, click here.

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If you have ever tried to change a habit or behavior and it hasn’t worked, you’ve experienced the first half of stage six of the 6 stages of change: Recycling. If your change has worked and you’ve gone through the first five stages successfully, you may have reached what Researcher James Prochaska calls Termination.

This post will give you an introduction to both. For a more detailed account, you can read James Prochaska’s book Changing for Good.

Stage  Six – Recycling OR Termination –

First we will look at Recycling. When the changer gives up on “the grind”, he goes through what Prochaska calls Recycling or “Learning from Relapse”.

This stage is when a changer, even after great progress, goes back to the behavior they changed earlier. They start drinking or eating or gambling again and their life begins to deteriorate, sometimes slowly, sometimes rather quickly.

Relapse may come on the heels of a family tragedy or due to letting go of the supports that have kept the maintenance going. Or it may be the result of not having been ready to make the change in the first place.

Whatever caused it, when recycling comes, it puts the changer back to the beginning, but not quite. The work and learning she went through is still in her somewhere. Most recyclers don’t give up and are willing to start again. So, this is truly a learning stage.

Harm Reduction expert and author Patti Denning calls this stage “Back to the Drawing Board” and Prochaska says that his research shows that recycling often leads to contemplation, preparation and action again and that most changers need to go through the cycle 3-4 times before being able to get to the final iteration. If self change does not work after several tries, it may be time to get help or to try a different path than the one you have tried again.

Termination – Termination occurs when the changer is finished cycling through the Stages of Change on a specific change. The point is, the struggle is over, the person no longer has the problem in their life. It is resolved.

Some say this never truly occurs. Others believe it is possible.

Prochaska calls this stage “exiting the Stages of Change” and Denning calls it the “I’m over it” stage. While it can take awhile to get there, it is the aspiration of many to do so and more research and writing points in the direction of it being possible.

The 6 Stages of Change, taught in treatment centers, by coaches and by therapists, are useful for the addict to know about and for the family as well. Anything that leads to empathy for oneself and others can be useful as one works through life’s challenges!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

Facilitating Family Recovery

www.beverlybuncher.com

786 859 4050

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Normally, when we think of a person making a change in their life, we think of the actual moment when they stop drinking, smoking, drugging, etc. But, there is so much more!  This post continues our discussions of  James Prochaska’s 6 Stages of Change that everyone goes through when considering a change in habit or behavior.

Stage 4: Action – Up until recently, most people just thought of Action as the change.

“Why don’t you just change?”

“Just do it!”

Even now,  people unfamiliar with the Stages of Change model, don’t realize all that must go into preparing for the actual action to take root and become the person’s new reality. Prochaska calls the Action stage “Time to Move”  and indeed it is!

At this stage, it is time to put all of the preparation into action. There may be some mourning as old friends must be let go of for a time and new types of activities and supports put into place. Depending on the nature of the change, help may be necessary to make this change last.

This stage can last for several months  as one adjusts to a new way of life. It’s amazing how much has to happen before the action takes place but now the time has come and if all of the thinking and preparing has been done in advance, the action step has a much greater chance of succeeding.

Of course, there is still much to do. Here is where the rubber meets the road: taking it all and putting it into practice, one day at a time. It is a time of great excitement and tremendous adjustments – exhilarating and excruciating at the same time. Denning calls this the “Just Do It” stage.

To learn more about how to reduce the harm from your or your loved one’s problem behaviors, join me for a call tomorrow evening when I will be interviewing Kenneth Anderson, author of How to Change Your Drinking: A Harm Reduction Guide to Alcohol and Director of the HAMS Network, an online support group for people working on managing their drug and alcohol usage in order to reduce the harmful consequences they may be currently experiencing. You can sign up at http://beverlybuncher.com/key-5-teleseminar-on-harm-reduction-little-steps-to-big-changes/

All the best,

Coach Bev

The Beverly Buncher Company

Facilitating Family Recovery

786 859 4050

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When it comes to changing a habit or behavior, there are, according to James Prochaska (author of Changing for Good: The Revolutionary Six Stage Model to Changing Habits and Behaviors), 6 stages of change. The first is pre-contemplation (also known as denial). The second is contemplation, also known as yes, but. The third is preparation and that’s what this blog post is all about.

Stage 3: Preparation – Prochaska calls the Preparation stage the “Getting Ready” stage and says that most people in this stage plan to make their change within the month. They have set the date and are involved in activities to help them get ready for the big day.

This stage is important because without the proper planning, the big day may last only that long. The changer at this point may be thinking about what they will do instead of their habit, how they will avoid triggers, how they will begin and how they will keep going.

Whether the  changer is  a parent who wants to stop yelling at their addicted child, an addict who wants to get clean, one who wants to keep using drugs but stop sharing needles, or someone who wants to start flossing every night, without adequate preparation, the change they are planning probably will not last.

There may be a support group to join or a recovery coach or therapist to hire. There may be new activities and friends to find. There may be clean needles or floss to purchase. Thinking about and planning for these are just the tip of the iceberg of what a changer may need to put into place to make their new habit work.

Thus, adequate preparation can have a huge impact on the success of their foray into the next step.  Patti Denning (author of Over the Influence: The Harm Reduction Guide to Managing Alcohol and Drug Use)calls this stage the “uh-oh” stage because plans are becoming real and concrete and the difficulties lying ahead begin to become clearer.

This week, I will be interviewing Kenneth Anderson, author of How to Change Your Drinking: The Harm Reduction Guide to Alcohol at 7 PM ET on Wednesday, October 26th.  Ken runs a network for  those struggling with addictive behaviors who wish to explore options other than a 12 step, total abstinence approach.

To learn more, go to: http://beverlybuncher.com/key-5-teleseminar-on-harm-reduction-little-steps-to-big-changes/.

To sign up to join us or to receive the audio by email, godirectly to:http://forms.aweber.com/form/62/1652809962.htm

Looking forward to seeing you then! And, of course, to learn more about the 6 stages of change,catch my  next blog post on the Action Stage!

Best,

Coach Bev

www.beverlybuncher.com

786 859 4050

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 Key 5: The 6 Stages of Change,  can make all the difference in your understanding of what your loved one is facing as they struggle to free themselves from their addictive behaviors. This post will look at stage one: pre-contemplation and how to help your loved one wake up from the denial it brings.

 The 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members are designed to provide family members of addicts  with a variety of strong recovery principles and models to help them face the challenges of  loving anyone struggling with addictive behaviors. This month, our focus is on Key 6: The 6 Stages of Change.

There is something interesting about relationships. Just when you think they are over, something can happen to wake up the love again. Something can occur to reignite the spark or get things back on track. The hardest time to remember this is when things feel hopeless.

Lately, many of the people who have been calling for help or writing in about their situations have been worried about their marriages. Three different people  in the last week have shared, “I feel so sad about what’s happened to my marriage.” “I’m afraid that the way we are relating is hurting our children.” “I just feel so unhappy in this relationship.”  ”I wish I could figure out how to get out now, but I’m afraid to leave.”

Being in a relationship is hard enough. Add addiction to the mix and things can get overwhelming.  Communication gets muddled, feelings get trampled on, judgment runs amok.

According to my readers, my clients, my sponsees, (and my own memories of life with an active addict), one day, the good times seem imminent again. The next, as distant as the moon. One moment is filled with laughter, the next with tears. The judgments, the fears, the resentments, all of these go hand in hand with living with and/or loving a person struggling with addictive behaviors or substances.

So,when do you give up? How do you decide whether to stay or to leave?

When I was a newlywed, dealing with a spouse who was using, I would literally spin from ‘should I go?’ to ‘should I leave?’ hundreds of times in a day. Then, one day, I decided to take a new approach.

I took out my calendar and went three months ahead in time and wrote in the words “How are things now?”.  Then I went ahead three more months in the calendar and wrote it again: “How are things now?” Then I went ahead three more months and three more months after that and wrote again: “How are things now?”

Meanwhile, along with these calendar reminders, I made a decision to stay, one day at a time, in between those dates. So, when the thought came, ‘should I stay? should I go?’ , I simply said to myself, “For today, I’m here. I’m staying. I’m making a decision to be loving, and I’m taking care of myself.”

Now you will notice that I SIMPLY said these words to myself. Simple is not the same as easy. The work over that next year was work I largely did on myself, on my recovery, on my state of mind. Interestingly enough, the more I focused on myself, on my own willingness to take care of myself, to be loving, to set healthy boundaries, to get the support I needed to grow and develop fully, the less pressure I was putting on the relationship to fulfill me and the better the relationship got!

Not overnight, and there were some very difficult times along the way. But, the beauty of letting go of demanding that a relationship get better in order to stay, is that by letting go and working on ourselves, we give the other person and the relationship itself the space necessary to grow and develop as well!

Over the years, things have not been perfect in my relationship with my spouse. I am not perfect and neither is he. Nor will we ever be. When things got tough over the years (and I am talking about during our many years of sobriety and overall success in many areas of our life), I would get additional support by going to a therapist or counselor (and later to a life coach).  I have found short-term therapy and coaching to be useful, in addition to meetings and working with a sponsor, to help me deal with what was bothering me about my life with my spouse, the stresses at work and my personal issues.

Over the years, when  I started with a new therapist, I would always preface the relationship with this: “I am here to work on myself and to learn new ways to deal with my life. I am not here to move toward a divorce. That is not an option.” I found it necessary to express that to therapists in the beginning as it seemed to be an option all too available and acceptable, one that I did not want to consider. That worked for me.

Today, with 26 years of marriage, the hope for 26 or more ahead,and no guarantees, I carry a lesson that really helped me get this far: No matter how bad things get in the marital relationship or how good things get, the only thing I can count on is that they will change. The good times will follow the bad and the bad will follow the good.Leaving when things are really bad, precludes the possibility of them getting better…and, if I am working on myself and practicing being a loving mirror with my spouse, they almost always will.  This is important for me to remember and I freely share it with people who have less time in their marriage.

I learned early on in recovery that counting on another person to make me happy would never work, that counting on another person to fill me up would never work and that counting on a spouse to do what I wanted him to do or be would simply never happen.

Each of us is on our own journey. We come into this world alone and leave it alone with our only lifelong companion: ourselves.

Choosing to share a marital journey with another person means sharing lots of ups and downs. Yes, as family members affected by addiction, we do experience what may feel like more than our fair share of the downs. But, the key to happiness is not to be found in a marriage or a job or a house or a specific amount of money. Rather, it is to be found in ourselves.

The gift of being with someone who is struggling is that, in order to be happy, we really do need to learn the lesson of relying on our own inner joy to carry us through the sometimes very rough times. I have found it a very precious gift and the person who I love has, to be quite honest, not had the easiest time loving me either. Together we have learned to love and be loving at times when it doesn’t seem there is much love being returned. This has made each of us stronger within ourselves, and made the times when we are in sync even more precious.

Would love to hear your take on getting through the difficult times in your relationship!

Stay tuned to this blog to learn about next week’s Free Loving Mirror Teleseminar! More details will be coming soon!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

www.beverlybuncher.com

786 859 4050

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 Key 5: The 6 Stages of Change,  can make all the difference in your understanding of what your loved one is facing as they struggle to free themselves from their addictive behaviors. This post will look at stage one: pre-contemplation and how to help your loved one wake up from the denial it brings.

 The 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members are designed to provide family members of addicts  with a variety of strong recovery principles and models to help them face the challenges of  loving anyone struggling with addictive behaviors. This month, our focus is on Key 6: The 6 Stages of Change.

Stage One: Pre-Contemplation –  Prochaska also calls this stage “Resistance to Change.” At this stage, you may not even be thinking about whether or not you have a problem. You are just living your life, full throttle, enjoying (or not) and doing what you do. The people around you are most likely aware that something is amiss through little hints like the smoky room due to your chain smoking, the empty fridge due to your binges or the diminishing liquor in the cabinet when there hasn’t been a party in months. Or maybe you had an injury a year ago and are still ordering (and somehow getting) your prescriptions filled, though most people with that exact injury stopped the pills months before. At any rate, you do NOT see a problem. In Patti Denning’s book Over the Influence: The Harm Reduction Guide For Managing Drugs and Alcohol, she and her co-authors call this the “Who Me?” stage.

When your loved one is in this stage of their drinking, drugging, or other dysfunctional behavior, you may or may not be able to reach them. But there are definitely things you can do that will keep them on the defense, and others that could very well begin to wake them up. Like the 4th C, see last month’s posts, where we talked about how you don’t have to contribute to their addiction, your behavior when your loved one is in pre-contemplation is about ‘being there’ for your loved one in a positive, rather than a negative way. Here are some guidelines of things not to do:

When the person is in pre-contemplation, do NOT tell them to Stop Drinking (drugging, etc.). Remember, they don’t think they have a problem. By telling them to stop, you become their problem and they lose a chance to look at their own behavior.

Also, do not nag a pre-contemplator. They’ll just turn off their ears when you start what they see as your harassing behavior.

Of course, don’t enable them.In other words, don’t help them get their substance, don’t provide them with resources to do so, don’t fix the problems they get themselves into and don’t be afraid to stand up to them when they try to manipulate you to do so. Standing up to someone of course is much more effective when it is done without anger or yelling. Be a Loving Mirror with your loved one. Tell them the facts you are seeing, without any emotional attachment to them acting on those facts.

Most importantly, at this point, Do NOT give up on your loved one! When you appear disinterested they think you agree with them that they do not have a problem.

Dr. Prochaska has a powerful table in his book Changing for Good that goes so well with the idea of Being a Loving Mirror. You can find it on page 97 of his book. I recommend photocopying that table and keeping it with you along with your How to Be a Loving Mirror cheat sheets.

In it, he discusses the difference between enablers and helpers as clearly as possible.

I’ll sum it up here, but for a detailed understanding of how to help your loved one move through the stages, check out the book.

He says:

While enablers stay away from confronting the addict or even discussing the drinking or drugging,

Helpers “address specific disruptive and distressing behaviors.”

While enablers lessen the consequences the addict has to face by agreeing that the things happening are not that important (which is what the person in pre-contemplation wants to hear to help them stay in denial),

Helpers “ensure that each negative behavior is followed by a consistent consequence.”

While enablers cover up for the addict, make excuses for them and “even defend problem behaviors”,

Helpers “directly and frequently recommend behavior change.”

But, Coach Bev, you may say, didn’t you just say NOT to tell them to stop?

Telling a drunk in pre-contemplation to stop drinking usually happens when you are tears, or are screaming, yelling, or threatening. THAT does not work.

What can work, is to simply offer yourself as a sounding board, someone who is there, seeing what is going on and not willing to ignore it.

You might say, “Cindy, what can I do to help you with your drugging?” or  ”Cindy, let’s talk about your pot smoking. I’m concerned about how I see it affecting your life.”

You may feel that this is intrusive. I see it as loving. Is it easy? No. But, you can break the ice. Not nag about it, but simply make it an okay topic of conversation designed to break through the fog of your loved one’s pre-contemplation madness. They think everything is just fine. During my last food relapse, which, largely due to my husband’s loving comments, didn’t last as long as it could have, he would see me eating something harmful to me and simply say, “I love you honey and I’m concerned about your eating.” I heard his love and concern and they helped to nudge me awake.

These types of comments and questions are not often fast acting. Being there for someone you love who is harming themselves takes patience. It is more of a longterm investment than a quick fix. But it can be done and it can have an impact.

A couple of reasons it is so important to take care of yourself in the process are:

1. Since the help you are giving doesn’t have instant results, you can burn out if all you do is reach out. Then you are more likely to give up and both of you can end up without recovery or they get well and you are so depleted, you can’t get rid of the anger and resentment over how long it took!
2. Plus, since there is no guarantee that your reaching out to your pre-contemplator will work,  take care of yourself so that you can have a good, even great, life, regardless of the decisions they make for themselves.

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 Key 5, The 6 Stages of Change,  can make all the difference in your understanding of what your loved one is facing as they struggle to free themselves from their addictive behaviors. The Stages of Change Model can also help YOU understand what it takes to move from your co-addictive behavior, to the detached, loving behavior that will free you from misery AND be most likely to have a positive impact on your loved one. The 12 Keys to Sanity for Family Members are designed to provide family members of addicts  with a variety of strong recovery principles and models to help them face the challenges of  loving anyone struggling with addictive behaviors. This month, our focus is on Key 6: The 6 Stages of Change.

Ever try to break a habit? Not easy is it? And the 6  Stages of Change Model will help you understand why – and how –  to break through to success!

Perhaps you have counted on the 21 day idea to get you through – Namely, that if you practice a new behavior for 21 days, you will have momentum that will allow you to more easily move forward to breaking the habit for good. I like that idea and have used it to get me over the hump of difficult changes I am seeking.

But there is more to the picture. The 21 days start once you have begun taking action on your change. What about the days leading up to the very first day you stop an old habit or start a new one?

According to researcher James Prochaska, PhD, those pre-days are just as important, if not more so, than the first 21 days of the action steps. Prochaska’s research on how people change habitual behaviors has resulted in The 6 Stages of Change Model, which is taught in universities and to patients in substance abuse treatment centers all over the world.

If you want to change a behavior in your life, and according to Prochaska, each one of us is in the process of changing 3-4 things in our lives at any given time, you will want to become familiar with this model, as its stages and how you go through them could determine the difference between your success or failure this time around. Most changes take 3-4 spins through the stages to take hold, Prochaska says. But, by becoming familiar with the stages, a self-changer can improve their ability to handle each of the stages more effectively and perhaps reduce the number of retreads they will need to succeed.

Prochaska outlines the process in his book Changing for Good: A Revolutionary Six-Stage Program for Overcoming Bad Habits and Moving Your Life Forward (Harper Paperback, 2006).

If you would like to learn more about the Stages of Change model and reading the book is not on your immediate agenda, keep reading this month’s blog entries. We will look at the Stages of Change model, stage by stage, with tips on how to help yourself or a loved one move forward from stage to stage!

If you would like to begin with an immediate brief overview of the 6 Stages of Change model, click here and I will send you an article that briefly explains each stage for you.

In the meantime, have a Loving Day!

Best,

Coach Bev

www.beverlybuncher.com

786 859 4050

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The 12 Keys are a group of recovery principles designed to help you be YOUR best self as you play your role in helping your loved one get and stay clean and sober. This week, as we end our September overview of Key 4, join me for a story from a a very special person with a powerful story to tell. As you know,I love bringing you the recovery stories and ideas of my colleagues and friends!

This month, I’d like to introduce you to author Lisa Espich. Lisa Espich is the author of the award-winning book, Soaring Above Co-Addiction: Helping your loved one get clean, while creating the life of your dreams. After the remarkable transformation in her own family, she is now passionate about helping other families to heal from the devastating effects of addiction. Through her blog at http://www.soaringabovecoaddiction.com/blog.asp Lisa shares continued insight and hope to those who have been affected by addiction. You can also follow her on:
Twitter http://twitter.com/#!/soaringaboveco
Facebook http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/121882534530941/
A Wife’s Experience With the Four C’s
by Lisa Espich