Being a loving mirror is one of the simplest and most challenging things to do when confronted by a loved one’s addiction. And, at the same time, one of the most powerful.

I remember the first time I got the nerve to be a loving mirror for a loved one. I had been married less than a year and my husband’s using was spiraling out of control. I’d been in Alanon for two years and was beginning to really absorb what I’d learned.

As I shared last week in Part One of this post (See March 13, 2011 entry below), I came across the Alanon book The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage and read an example of how a wife changed the dynamic of her relationship with her husband by changing her behavior and not trying to change his.

Her story gave me hope that what I now call “Being a Loving Mirror” would allow me to live my life AND do something to change things in my relationship with my husband. I was desperate. Things in my house were getting worse by the day and all of my yelling, begging, pleading, ignoring and tantrums just weren’t working.

So, I decided to try it.

One day, my husband walked into the house. I could tell he was agitated. I watched him roaming the house looking for something that he just could not find… Finally, he found a bottle of Vodka in the kitchen. The bottle had been a wedding gift given to us seven months earlier. It had sat there because alcohol was not his drug of choice. But, at that moment, it was the best he could do. That night, I stood there and watched my husband frantically search for a way to open the bottle and, then, once he figured it out, I sat there and watched him guzzle it down.

Normally, I would be trying to stop him either through begging or screaming or trying to grab it away. Or, I would leave the house in a huff…not wanting to see him do this to himself. Instead, I just stood by as a witness of his behavior, without judgment or action. I just watched.

Then I watched as he calmed down, threw up the entire bottle all over the bedroom floor, and fell asleep on our bed.

I quietly took my pillow and went to sleep in the other room where the smell was minimal. (Usually, I would have cleaned up the mess he made. I didn’t this time. I left it for his own eyes to see and his nose to smell, later, when he was sober.)

When I woke up in the morning to get ready to go to work, my husband was stirring in the bedroom. His nose crinkled and his head ached.

“What’s that smell?” he asked.

“You threw up,” I answered quietly and calmly, without judgment or drama.

“Why didn’t you clean it up?” he asked.

“You came home upset last night,” I answered. “You seemed upset, like you couldn’t find any drugs. You found a bottle of Vodka and quickly drank it down. It seemed to quiet you, but then you vomited it all up. I felt that if I would have cleaned it up, you might not have believed me that it happened. So, I left it there for you as an example of how your addiction is really hurting you. I wanted you to have the chance to see what is happening to your body. Plus, it’s really not my job to clean up after you when your addiction guides you to do things that are destructive.” I then reached over him, gave him a kiss on the forehead, and continued getting ready for work.

Again, I gave him the facts in an objective way, sharing my caring without any rancor, resentment, judgment or disturbance evident in my voice. If anything, he heard concern and caring. He had the opportunity to see himself, his behavior, through my words, without any interference from my emotional reaction to what he had done to me. (Note: he didn’t do anything to me. Rather, he was killing himself. But, before I learned to practice the skill of being a loving mirror, I would see many of his addictive behaviors as an assault on ME and, in war-like fashion, I would fight back. In the process, we would both lose an opportunity for him to gain valuable information from a caring observer of what was going on.)

Remember, addicts often don’t remember what they have done when drunk or high. If we just start screaming at them, they have to try to put the pieces together from our rants and raves. If we simply give them the facts, they get to face themselves. Hence the phrase “Being a Loving Mirror.”

I’d like to tell you my husband instantly decided to get sober. He didn’t. It took several months of going back and forth before he decided to enroll himself in a treatment center.

But something changed after that morning that he woke up to the smell of his own vomit. And during the next couple of months, I continued to be that loving mirror as often as possible.

And over the years, when I have remembered to be a loving mirror in the lives of my family members, I have found it far more effective and powerful than all the yelling in the world.

On April 20 and 27, I will be offering a two part free Teleseminar for people who would like to learn more about how to be that Loving Mirror with their addicted loved ones and to get some practice doing so in a safe space.

To receive a free report on How to Be a Loving Mirror and learn more about the teleseminar, go to the Family Recovery Coaching page on my website at http://www.theempowermentcoach.net/Family-Recovery-Coaching.html .

Let’s work together to bring sanity into your life! Sanity is yours for the taking as you move more and more into practicing recovery principles in your life and Being a Loving Mirror is a key component of the journey for family members!

Let me know how I can be of help!

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

786 859 4050