The first time I heard about this powerful tool of Being a Loving Mirror I was a newlywed. I read about the concept in the Alanon book, The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage (available through the Alanon World Service Office).

As I remember it, the story in the book told about a wife whose alcoholic husband would go straight to a bar every night after work. Since hope springs eternal, she would nonetheless be waiting up for him each night with dinner made, long past midnight.

They had a routine. He’d walk in, drunk as could be, and she’d start haranguing him about what an unreliable #&*$% he was. Then, the next day, she sarcastically attacked his antics of the night before, he responded with the appropriate remorse and promised to come home straight from work, she made dinner and he invariably didn’t show. She stayed up with a plate of cold dinner and a huge chip on her shoulder, waiting to scream again.

That story hit me hard, not only because of the daily routine they automatically repeated each day, but because of what happened next.

After going to Alanon for awhile, the wife decided to change the routine. As I remember the story, she made a decision to begin living by the serenity prayer. In her life, this meant accepting her husband as he was, without judgment or resentment, and changing her actions and reactions to his behaviors.

That day, she made dinner and set the table as usual. When her husband didn’t come home in time to eat, she serenely sat down and ate hers. Afterward, she put his food away, cleaned up the kitchen and went to an Alanon meeting. When she came home, she read a bit, relaxed, and went to sleep.

Imagine his surprise, when he came home, drunk as ever, to a quiet home and a sleeping wife. When he nudged her, she just said, “Hi honey. I’m sleeping. Hope you had a nice evening. There is food in the fridge. Talk to you in the morning” and went back to sleep.

The next day, he woke up to a wife who was pleasant and loving. She was singing as she got ready for her day. He was no longer the center of her conversation or concern.She didn’t ask why he had been late or try to extract promises from him for the upcoming evening or say a bitter word.

Instead, she talked about what a lovely day it was. She wished him a wonderful day at work and told him she was looking forward to seeing him at the end of the day. When he asked her details of his behavior the night before, she simply described what had occurred: I made dinner, you didn’t make it home for dinner, so I simply put it away for you and at bedtime, I went to sleep. Of course, he was stunned and confused because he had had every intention of coming home and had no memory of how it happened that he didn’t make it. He was also curious impressed with his wife’s newfound calm in the face of his own irratic behavior…

That day, she made supper as always and set the table. For a day or two, he continued his usual routine of staying out late at the local bar, and she continued to practice being someone who accepted him and loved him exactly as he was. He would ask her how she could stand his behavior and she told him she loved him and accepted him as he was, though she was very concerned about what could happen to his health over time, working all day and partying all night. Again, she said all of this with loving concern, not anger, judgment or resentment.

Then, one evening, to her surprise and delight, her husband not only came home for dinner on time, but he stayed home all night and the two of them had an enjoyable meal and evening together. With that first night behind them, she simply continued to stay focused on the present and mind her own business and he no longer had her bad behavior as an excuse or reason to escape to a bar, which freed him up to make decisions based on his own behavior and the reports she had objectively given him about what it looked like.
Interestingly enough, her husband showed up for dinner again and again, and went to the bar less and less. And things only got better from there…

If you check out the book, The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage, you will find a book that was written many years ago that has a feel of times gone by in its attitudes toward men and women. But, if you are willing to look beyond the old fashioned feel of the book, you will find strong recovery principles that are timeless. I may not remember the story exactly as it was presented, but I shared it as I recall it, since my memory of this story and its recovery principles had a transformational effect on my life and my relationships with the people in my life.

In part two, I’ll be writing about some of my own experiences with the concept of being a loving mirror to your addict. I’ll also be letting you know about a couple of free teleseminars I’ll be offering to help YOU become a loving mirror to YOUR addict. It’s not guaranteed to get your addict sober. Rather, it IS guaranteed to transform YOU and to change the dynamic in your relationships and often, the addict does choose to look within when we get out of the way.

Let’s stay in touch!

If you haven’t sent for your copy of How To Be a Loving Mirror yet, send me an email at recoverycoachbev@theempowermentcoach.net and I’ll send you a copy and of course, being a loving mirror is only one aspect of the 4 Foundations of Family Recovery that will transform your life with your addict from chaos to sanity! To get your copy of my FREE introductory e-book and learn more, go to my website at www.theempowermentcoach.net and fill out the form on the home page.

See you soon! With more about how being a loving mirror has helped me and how it can help YOU!

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

ICF Professional Certified Coach

Recovery – True Purpose – Career – Life

If there is a using addict in your life, download my free e-book on how to transform the chaos to sanity at www.theempowermentcoach.net and read my blog at www.12stepfamily.com

786 859 4050