12 Step Family

Being a loving person is an unconditional thing. It’s not about, “I will love you if you stay sober “or “I will love you if you do things the way I want you to do them.” It’s about, “I will love you regardless of your sobriety or your actions and I will treat you with dignity and respect even if i find your behavior to be completely unacceptable to me.”

But this does not mean being a doormat. Quite the contrary. Being a loving person starts with being loving toward oneself. Being a loving person means letting a person feel their own pain. Not bailing them out of the messes they get themselves into and not fixing their lives. It means detaching with love from their behavior and if having them in your life is so painful or destructive that you can no longer cope with their presence, it may mean physically detaching your life from theirs completely, with love for yourself. But the difference between detaching with hate and disdain and detaching with love cannot be overestimated.

It is quite possible, though not easy, to get your spiritual life to a point of being able to simply look at the way things are, at the extent of addiction in a person’s life, and to let them know that you feel for them and care about them, but that it is no longer healthy for you to be with them and to kindly and firmly let them know that you will be leaving or that you need them to leave. The reason for the emphasis on the spirituality of this type of departure is that it is not that easy to say good-bye to someone we love and often, people will build a case filled with hate and disdain in order to gear themselves up for such a move. But a spiritually based departure is different. It is about lovingly letting the person know that things are no longer working for you. That you care for and about them, but you care for and about yourself as well and, since they are not deciding to make the kinds of changes in their life that you can live with, you have decided that it is time for this phase of the relationship to end.

I remember reading about Byron Katie (founder of The Work, www.thework.org, and author of Loving What Is) talking about how she had to say good bye to her second husband, who was unable or unwilling to make serious necessary changes in their marriage, in just that way. Her approach inspired me in its loving simplicity. She basically said, “I love you and this is no longer the way I wish to live my life.” And with that, she moved forward in her life, leaving behind a way of life that was no longer working for her.

This article is not about glorifying divorce or separation. Rather, it is about how we don’t have to make the other person wrong or bad, no matter what decisions we make for our lives. We can look at how we are living our lives and make decisions for ourselves that work best for us without having to blame them for not being who we want them to be.

What if people are who they are and it is not about changing them, just about loving them as they are? And what if, when things are no longer tenable in a relationship, we don’t have to demean or blame them, but rather, we can simply see that love isn’t always enough to keep a relationship together, but it is enough to treat each other with dignity and respect regardless of our choices?

Not all relationships with addicts have to end with someone walking out the door. But when they do end that way, what if unconditional love could stay intact?

This is most likely when the co-addict works very hard to take care of her or himself, strives to be loving regardless of the addict’s challenges, sets boundaries that work for her/him and gets support from a loving God, a sponsor, a group, a coach, a therapist, or dear and trusted friends, that can help her/him not have to make others wrong in order to be on one’s own path.

This is not where I thought this blog would go when I began writing it, but it is an interesting point, isn’t it? Who are you making wrong today? Who are you blaming for the quality of your life?
Would you be willing to love yourself and those around you unconditionally? To allow yourself and others to be who each of you are? To choose your life path and live it to the best of your ability without faulting others for living theirs their way?

Unconditional love calls upon us to do that. Whether we go or we stay. It is a faith walk, a spiritual journey, that we take, one step, one hour, one day at a time.

If you would like to focus on the principles of self care, being a loving person, setting boundaries and getting support to assist you in your family recovery journey, join me for my next teleseminar on The Four Foundations of Family Recovery: Simple Ideas to Transform Chaos to Sanity, based on the forthcoming book by the same name. We will be starting the class in October. Give me a call or drop me an email for more info!

Till then,

All the best,

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC
Family Recovery Coach
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
786 859 4050
recoverycoachbev@theempowermentcoach.net
www.intherooms.com

What will it take for you to get to the point of being unconditionally loving?

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Recently, I offered to teach my Four Foundations of Family Recovery course at a local learning center. While the topic sounded intriguing, the administrator decided not to offer the class, saying, “I just don’t think addiction affects our population enough to warrant a class.”

Think about it. If only 5% of the population is addicted, then about 40% of the population is affected by the addiction problem of a family member.That 40% includes children, spouses, plus elderly parents and grandparents who the addicts are often trying to get money from, and all of the ex-family members who escaped from the craziness. So the next time you have the thought, “I don’t think that affects our population,” Think again!

If your population is human, chances are a big chunk of it is affected by the addiction problem of a relative or friend.

If you know someone who is, let them know about the Four Foundations of Family Recovery. I offer classes and coaching in person and on the phone and have a book coming out in the next several months called The Four Foundations of Family Recovery: Simple Ideas to Turn Chaos into Sanity. Family members often suffer in silence. Community leaders can really help by offering classes and services to help them!

And in case you are wondering just how big the problem might be, here are some of the statistics available on various websites, most of which admit that the statistics are difficult to pin down and often underestimated:

Check out these statistics from http://www.alcohol-information.com/Alcohol_Statistics.html:

According to statistics on alcohol abuse and alcoholism statistics and facts, about 43% of U.S. adults, namely, 76 million individuals, have been exposed to alcoholism in the family. That is, these people grew up with or married an alcoholic or a problem drinker or had a blood relative who was an alcoholic or problem drinker.

There are approximately 14 million people in the United States addicted to alcohol and millions more who display symptoms of abuse, including binge drinking.

Currently, approximately 14 million Americans, 1 in every 13 adults, abuse alcohol or are alcoholic.

or these from http://www.drugabuse.gov/DrugPages/Stats.html :

The Federal Government’s Household Survey on Drug Abuse, conducted annually, is the most commonly cited set of statistics on the prevalence of drug use. According to the latest surveys, cited by the DEA themselves, there are about 12.7 million people who have used some illegal drug in the last month and perhaps 30 to 40 million who have used some illegal drug within the last year. Of the 12.7 million who used illegal drugs in the last month, about 10 million are presumed to be casual drug users, and about 2.7 million are addicts.

Yet these statistics are thought to underestimate the problem since the main characteristic of addiction is denial and the phone surveys not only can’t reach everyone, they also take the subject’s word as to whether they are casual or addicted users.

And then there are these from statistics from http://www.innovatorsawards.org/facts:

By eighth grade, 52 percent of teenagers have consumed alcohol, 41 percent have smoked cigarettes, and 20 percent have used marijuana.

33 million Americans—29 percent of all current alcohol users—are binge drinkers, meaning they consume five or more drinks on a singe occasion.

Men are four times more likely to be heavy drinkers and 1.3 times more likely to smoke a pack of cigarettes or more a day. Men are also twice as likely to engage in regular marijuana use.

Heroin and cocaine account for about 70 percent of all drug cases.

Addiction affects every populations and often the family suffers most. Let’s work together to help families get well!

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher, MA, CEC
Family Recovery Coach
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.fourfoundations.blogspot.com
786 859 4050

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Talking about spiritual ideas is easy. The ideas are uplifting, they make you and your listeners feel good. But when the words are gone, what is left behind? What does it mean to walk the talk?

Walking the talk means turning good words into good actions. Being attuned to the messages life is sending us about what it will take, one day at a time, to hear the messages our Higher Power is sending us and live according to the guidance we receive.

Walking the talk means acting on whatever the principles are that we see as the guiding lights in our lives. Unlike just talking about those principles, living by them is far more challenging.

Yet, in recovery, this is what we are called to do.

So, how do we make it happen?

Fortunately, in 12 step recovery, we have lots of supports built into our journey. Starting with meetings we can attend regularly where we can learn so much about what it means to live a life in family recovery.

Then, once we get to the meetings, we have the other tools of the program: slogans, literature, steps, the telephone, a sponsor, and each other to talk to.

Most importantly, we have the 12 steps, which are designed to help us transform our lives bit by bit, day by day. These steps are simple, though not easy, to live by. The wonder of it all is that when we take it upon ourselves to apply these steps in our lives, one at a time, they build upon each other and guide us to a way of life we couldn’t even have previously imagined.

We begin by admitting our powerlessness over the addicts in our lives and how our lives become unmanageable when we try to exert control over them. Then, through attending meetings, working with a sponsor, and practicing what we are learning in our homes and at work, we begin to feel a bit of the freedom that the program promises.

Over time, as we walk through the steps, we grow in sanity, faith, honesty, inner peace and love. Walking the walk means working the steps, thinking of the slogans when life challenges us, picking up the phone and asking for help so that we can avoid obsessing about the things we are powerless over. It means being open to the feedback we get from others when we vent or complain, and acting on that feedback to help ourselves grow in spirit and character.

Eventually, walking the walk includes making amends and forgiving others. It includes daily inventory taking as well as daily prayer and meditation. It includes making helping others a way of life in healthy, non-codependent ways.

Walking the talk is a lot tougher than talking it. But the good news is, it is a process. We don’t have to do it all at once. We just have to put one step in front of the other and walk in the footprints of those who have come before us.

The disease happens in isolation. Recovery happens in community.

So my friends, surround yourself with others striving to walk the talk and you will find it much easier to do so.
As they say in the rooms, “It works if you work it!”

By the way, so wonderful to be sharing the Four Foundations of Family Recovery with my current teleseminar students. Seeing the lightbulbs go on in my students is such a wonderful experience for me as a teacher! Up through next Monday, I can still take new students. If you would like to join us, please go to my website to sign up. (www.theempowermentcoach.net – go to 4 foundations of recovery link) Once you do so, I will send you the recording for the first week along with all of the handouts and materials.

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC
Family Recovery Coach
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.fourfoundations.blogspot.com
786 859 4050

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Often when we think of boundary setting, we think of controlling other people. getting them to improve their behavior or get better. But in the context of family recovery, boundary setting is a truly selfish act – in a very positive way!

When we set boundaries with an addict in our lives, it often at the point of desparation: We just can’t take it anymore. We’ve tried being nice, caring, ‘loving’, but nothing has worked. No matter what we have done, we haven’t been able to save the addict. Often, in fact, they’ve continued to spiral further out of control and are getting worse. And to make it even worse, we feel like we are losing our bearings as well. We are exhausted, disgusted, confused, upset. In the worst cases, we have no life of our own anymore, rarely take care of ourselves and feel on the verge of mental and emotional collapse. If we have enough self-will left to do so, we set boundaries out of self-defense, simply to save our very lives, after a long battle to save our loved one that we are sure we have lost.

Ironically, once we start to set boundaries such as:
- no longer giving the addict money
- no longer allowing him/her to come in at all hours of the night
- telling him/her he will have to find another place to live until he/she gets sobriety
- not answering texts/calls at all hours of the day and night
the addict may start to wake up to the inner call of his or own health.

Yet, by this time, it is as if we do not even care anymore. We just want out of a situation that is nearly killing us and we are setting the boundaries to restore our own lives to a semblance of sanity.

In this way, setting boundaries brings our focus back to the self, back to our own life.

But things do not have to get that bad before we set boundaries.

We can make a decision, early on in the addiction of a loved one, that we will take care of ourselves, keep the focus on ourselves, let them handle their own responsibilities and set boundaries that let them know what we will and will not tolerate. The 12 step meetings for family members (Alanon, Nar-Anon) help us do this. Hiring a recovery coach helps us do this.

If you know you are ready to make better decisions for yourself that could help your addict in the longrun, but don’t want the commitment of going to meetings or hiring a coach, why not join my six week teleseminar The Four Foundations of Family Recovery: Simple Ideas to Transform Chaos to Sanity.
You will learn tools and techniques that will help you get strong for your own sake and in the process help your addict learn how to be strong for him or herself.

The teleseminar will happen on the phone lines for 6 Mondays starting on Monday, September 13th through October 17th. You will be able to share your thoughts and feelings with people going through some of the same experiences you are facing. Or, if you prefer, just listen. Soak up the recovery principles that will give you renewed hope for your family’s future!

Next Monday!

To sign up for this class, go to my website at www.theempowermentcoach.net and click on the 4 Foundations of Recovery link!

If you have any questions, email me at recoverycoachbev@theempowermentcoach.net or call me at 786 859 4050.

All the best and see you then!

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC
Family Recovery Coach
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.fourfoundations.blogspot.com
786 859 4050

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Dear Readers,

I’m really excited about the opportunity we will have to work together in a couple of weeks on my 4 Foundations Telesemnar! In case you missed the preview call, here is an overview of the course for your perusal. (You can also read a full transcript of the call or listen to the recording by going to www.theempowermentcoach.net and following the left hand link to 4 Foundations of Recovery.)

In six sessions, we will study each of the foundations and you will have the opportunity to begin implementing them meaningfully into your life. I’ll be giving you handouts from my forthcoming book The Four Foundations of Family Recovery: Simple Ideas to Transform Chaos to Sanity to help you grow in your ability to understand and use these tools, and you will have the opportunity to work with me and the other people in the class to become more and more comfortable using them. In addition to handouts from the course, and a recording of each class, if you sign up this week, you will receive a free coaching session during the course to help you better implement the four foundations and, all of this for $29!

People have asked me why I am ‘giving’ this course away for so little. Here’s why:
It is my passion to help families of addicts and alcoholics get their own lives on track for two reasons:

1. There is no guarantee that the addict’s life will get better but if you ‘get’ recovery yours will!
2. You getting recovery is your addict’s best chance of getting well. This is what I was told when I first started my recovery journey and I have found it to be true over all of these years: When I am focusing on my own recovery journey, it does affect my loved ones. When I get off track, I’m no longer part of the solution. I become part of the problem.

So, I’m inviting you today to become part of the solution in your loved one’s life and in your own! And if money is an issue, don’t let that hold you back! Call me and let me know.
You matter to me! I know that sounds funny since we may not even know each other yet. But I’ve walked in your shoes and I am inviting you to take a path designed especially for people like us, whose lives have been touched by the addiction of someone we love.

So, join me for the course!
In case you haven’t heard the preview recording or read the transcript, here is some background information for you on the course…
This course has its roots in the family recovery programs, recovery coaching, in which I am trained, and the current literature on codependency. What makes this course unique is that I have put the principles of family recovery into a simple usable format which my clients find very helpful whether or not they have attended a 12 step meeting or read a codependency book themselves. The point is that these ideas work.

This course is especially designed to help a newcomer to recovery who may or may not plan to get involved in a recovery group, or get a recovery coach, or read a book. But it can also work for a person who has been in recovery for awhile but could use a refresher, either because they are going through a crisis right now or because they enjoy deepening their understanding of these ideas and are always looking for ways to grow in this area of their lives.
Some people are not into groups, or get impatient with the sometimes slow, cumulative effect of going to 12 step family meetings. This course is designed as a quick start or booster course to put everything in context.
It’s not a replacement for the sometimes hard, day-to-day work of recovery. Rather, it provides a context within which to see family recovery that can really keep you going when things get tough.
Before we tackle the four foundations in the course, we will focus on recovery principles that I refer to as the four cornerstones of family recovery. These ideas, which, if you have been following my blog are now somewhat familiar to you, can help us make more sense of the four foundations and of our need to recover at all.
They are:

1. The Four C’s: You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, you can’t cure it. And the MOST important C in my mind: But you don’t have to Contribute to it. In other words, You are NOT responsible for your addict’s addiction and you can’t fix it. But you CAN do certain things that can make things worse or better.

2. The Three A’s: Awareness, Acceptance, Action – These three ideas mean becoming aware of what is happening right in front of your eyes without allowing yourself to slide back into denial of the truth of your addict’s addiction, accepting its presence and your own reactions to it without judgment, and then on that basis taking wise, planful action steps.

3. Breathing through each moment. – This is about getting centered from within. It’s about breathing in and out, slowly and deeply, in order to stop the automatic crazy response that we often have in reaction to the insane behavior of your addict.

4. You are your addict’s best chance of recovery when you focus on yourself, learn when to speak and when to shut up with your addict, when to get involved and when to mind your own business.

With these four cornerstones in place, we are ready to go into the four foundations themselves.
By the way, we will go into depth on these four cornerstones in our first call of the course and we will practice responses to the addict based on them, during that time. After we do that, you will be ready to tackle the Four Foundations of Recovery, each of which will have their own call in the course.
As a quick review, the four foundations of family recovery self care, being a loving person, setting boundaries, and getting support:

Let’s start with self care:
During the course, we will look deeply at the current state of your self care and what you need to do to get it where you want it to be.

You will have the opportunity to develop a plan for better self care, and, begin to implement it. This is something my coaching clients often report feeling the effects of almost immediately. It is a powerful way to make a statement to yourself, your loved ones and the world that you are turning a new page, that your loved one’s disease is no longer going to dictate every aspect of your life. But more than just a statement, it is a way to begin feeling better almost right away.

Foundation 2 is ‘be a loving person:’
If I heard this once in early recovery I heard it a million times, and often I hated hearing it. But, it is probably one of the most impactful things a family member can learn to do.
Of course we will go into depth on call three on how to do that, especially when you are angry because it can be very difficult. You will find out how much of a fixer you are at this point and how to switch gears to a more loving and detached way of relating to your addict.

Next we will look at foundation 3: set boundaries.
This one is one of the most challenging pieces for many family members to do consistently and of course one of the most important when it comes to keeping your sanity and jolting your addict into taking responsibility for their own life.
We will take a setting boundaries self-assessment and you will have the opportunity to begin developing a plan for boundary setting in your own life.

Finally, foundation 4: Get support!
We will talk about how putting this one foundation into practice can save your life AND lead to a stronger ability to practice the other three more effectively. We’ll look at the myriad of support options for family members and you will receive a long list of possible support options among the course materials.
You may enroll in this course by going to www.theempowermentcoach.net or www.fourfoundations.blogspot.com . Drop me an email if you encounter any difficulties with the process or have any questions.
Looking forward to the journey!

All the best,

Coach Bev
Beverly A. Buncher, MA CEC
Family Recovery Coach
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.intherooms.com
786 859 4050

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