As a parent or spouse or sister, there will be times when the active addict in your life will do things that worry or upset you. Maybe that’s already happened in your life. Chances are, if you are reading this blog, it has.

So, what do you do? Do you react, with every worried bone in your body, yelling, screaming, nagging? Do you give your addict the silent treatment, filled with judgment and fear?
Or do you respond, taking a moment to breathe, slowly and deeply, remembering your recovery principles, and simply treating the behavior with curiosity, interest, and care, non-judgmentally?

Recovery is about completely changing the way we view the activities and occurrences of others. It is about, first of all, keeping the focus on ourselves, and not searching for all of their inappropriate behaviors. It is about, second of all, knowing that their journey is theirs and theirs alone, not to be tampered with or manipulated by us. It is about, third of all, being willing to be a mirror of what we are seeing and hearing back to them, so that they have an objective third party in their life who is aware of what they are doing and is willing to play it back to them so they can choose what they want to do about it.

Recovery is, in other words, not about prying, controlling, fixing or abandoning. It is about detaching lovingly. It is about understanding that the addicts in our lives are not our appendages; what they do is not a reflection of us; what we do is not a reflection of them. It is about understanding that the uncertainty that their addiction forces us to face is actually a gift; that all people face uncertainty. It’s just that those of us affected by addiction see it more clearly due to the presence of the disease of addiction in our lives. It’s about using that understanding of life’s uncertainty to grow in present moment awareness and appreciation, living one day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time, more and more each day!

So, what do you do when you get “bad news” about your loved one’s addiction related behaviors?

How about trying this:

1. Pause and breathe (self care)
2. Understand that this behavior may help him or her reach a bottom that will ultimately help him or her move toward wellness, so don’t jump in and fix it. (be a loving person; set boundaries)
3. Send him or her a prayer. (get support)
4. If you are with them when you find out, tell them how much you love them and listen to whatever they have to say without getting ‘sucked into’ their lies, and at the same time without judgment.(be a loving person)
5. If given the opportunity, share what you know about what went on (just the facts, ma’am) and then let go and let them figure out what to do with the information. (be a loving person – be a mirror)
6. Put the focus back on yourself. Your own life, your own faults, your own areas of growth, your own deadlines, your own responsibilities. (self care)
7. Get to a support group meeting, call your sponsor, or call your family recovery coach (get support).

The Four Foundations of Family Recovery (self care, being a loving person, setting boundaries, getting support) work! Join me for a preview of my 6 week Four Foundations Teleseminar this coming Monday, August 30th, from 3-4 PM ET! Email me with your name, email address, and phone number at recoverycoachbev@theempowermentcoach.net for the phone number and access code of the call.

Looking forward to seeing you then!

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC
Family Recovery Coach
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.fourfoundations.blogspot.com
www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com
786 859 4050