One of the most difficult things for many parents to do is to stand by and watch one of their children struggle without offering help. And yet, often this is what parents are called to do. Sometimes, allowing another person to work through their own challenges is absolutely the most loving thing a parent can do for their child, particularly but not only when, that child is an adult.

So, knowing this, why is it so difficult?
Lots of reasons come to your mind. For instance, you may say you cannot do so because:
1. “I’m a caring person.”
2. “If I can help, why shouldn’t I?”
3. “Helping is the loving thing to do.”
4. “It’s wrong not to help.”

I could keep going but you get the picture. So, let’s look at each of these:
1. I am a caring person!Saying that you are a caring person so you must help is like saying that you can see so you must act on everything you see. It is just not true. With care, as with vision, comes discrimination. There are some things you must act on and others you must be aware of and feel, but allow to take their own course. The reason for this is that sometimes the caring thing to do is to allow another person to grow into their own ability to solve their own problems.

2. If I can help, why shouldn’t I?Just because you can help doesn’t mean you should help. If you do so indiscriminately, you may keep your child (regardless of their age) from learning the lessons they must learn to be able to handle life when you are no longer around. It is your job to help your child do the things he/she cannot do, to teach them how to do them and then to let go and allow them to practice doing those things. They may fail. They will learn from those failures and do better next time – but not if you fix things each time!

3.Helping is the loving thing to do! It is not loving to fix things and overhelp your child! It’s actually very selfish. It is difficult to stand back and allow them to live their own life and learn their own lessons, especially when those lessons involve drugs and alcohol or other behaviors the mishandling of which can seriously change the course of their lives. But at a certain point, it is their job to figure their life out. You need to figure your own life out and mind your own business. That is the more loving thing to do at times. And learning when to fix and when to let go is one of the major tasks of a person in family recovery.

4. It’s wrong not to help! It’s not wrong not to help. Every time you give money, or pay a bill, or take care of necessities for a grown addict who could be paying their own bills and taking care of their own responsibilities, you are making it easier for your loved one to get drugs and alcohol. In such cases, you may be contributing to their early demise…
So, your job is actually to watch and to willingly, if nervously, stand back. To detach lovingly from another person’s difficulties and allow them to make the mistakes that will allow them to learn their life lessons. And if it begins feeling like your heart is being ripped out to do so, tend to your own heart. Realize that these feelings are more about you and your ability to handle life on life’s terms than they are about anything else.

Being a relative of an addicted person is challenging. It is also a magnificent opportunity for growth. Do you have some personal triumphs in the area of letting your loved one grow up without your over-interference? Share them in the comments box below.