Being related to an addict who is actively using can be like waiting for the pot to boil. You keep hoping and praying that this person you love will wake up and get their life together. You watch, you wait, you watch some more. And the more you watch and the more you wait, the more it doesn’t happen. And you talk to the person and you try reasoning with him and you yell at her and you plead with him and you nag her. But none of it works… Still, the pot doesn’t boil.
So, what other option do you have?
Well, you can keep trying. After all, you love this person, right? So, you can’t give up. They will get it. You just have to keep reminding them that you are there, expecting them to get with the program.
So, how is that working for you?
My guess is the clock is ticking away and they are still looking promising, but nothing is really happening.
There is another way:
Give it up. Let go of this other person’s life and life yours. Give them to God. NOW. You heard me. Ask for help.
Yes, I hear you. You’ve been doing that all along, praying more than you ever have.
But I’m not just talking about asking, I’m talking about giving them over to God. Putting your loved one in God’s hands and backing off.
Go live YOUR life and let your loved one figure out theirs.
Sounds harsh I know. After all, they’re sick. How can they?
But, how can you? And how long will you keep pretending to have control over something you absolutely cannot control?
This does not mean stop caring. It doesn’t mean deserting them. It simply means you stop deserting YOURSELF.
There are four simple ways to do this:
1. Take care of yourself – attend to your own needs physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.
2. Be loving to your addict and yourself – don’t do things for them that they can do for themselves and do nurture yourself A LOT. Tell them what behaviors you are seeing and what your concerns are WITHOUT JUDGMENT and then go on with your life and let them stew on it.
3. Set boundaries about how they may treat you. Set boundaries about how they may treat your stuff. Do this as part of your self care, not to control or change them, but to preserve your own dignity and comfort.
4. Get some support – Go to a meeting of recovering people -Alanon, Nar-Anon, Take a family recovery class, join a coaching or therapy group, get a coach or therapist to help you do all of the above without going crazy. Pray for help and then let go of the addict’s behavior and keep the focus on you!
These four foundations of recovery will carry you quite a distance, if you practice them daily. They are all about you, your life, your sanity, your dignity. They are not at all about controlling or changing your addict. If you choose to practice them, they will become a way of life for you and YOU WILL get well.
Funny thing is, when you start to change, it affects your addict and all of the other people in your life. When sanity enters, when you stop watching the pot and go about your business, it has the best chance of all to boil….
So, let go of your addict and live YOUR life fully.
What do you have better to do?
All the best,
Coach Bev
Beverly A. Buncher
Family Recovery Coach
Author of the forthcoming book The Four Foundations of Family Recovery: Simple Ideas to Transform Chaos to Sanity
Teacher of the forthcoming teleseminar by the same name Sept. 13 to Oct. 18
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/pages/The-Empowerment-Coach/152387502845?ref=ts
Give me a call to sign up for a copy of the book at 786 859 4050