Does your addict see you as the cause of his or her using? Do you see yourself that way? Do you figure there must be something wrong with you as a mom, spouse, child, sibling because no matter what you do you cannot get them to stop?

If this sounds like you, you are not alone!

Many family members have tremendous guilt and shame about their addict’s using, not only because active addiction is socially unacceptable, but because the family members feel it’s somehow their fault that the addict is using.

Addicts sense this feeling of guilt and shame and play into it with statements like “If you and mom hadn’t been such bad parents, I wouldn’t have ended up like this” or “if you were a better wife, I wouldn’t need to drink.”

These are perceptions that indicate disease or dis-ease in a family affected by addiction.

The antidote is a new perception. One that recognizes what the family programs call the 3 C’s:
1. you didn’t cause
2. you can’t control it
3. you can’t cure it.

These 3 C’s provide you with a completely new way of viewing your role in your loved one’s addiction.

The 4th C, “but you don’t have to contribute to it: , reminds family members that they can let go and detach from the behaviors and not be a part of the negative chatter that often characterizes family talk in family with the disease of addiction. Such talk includes blaming, yelling, screaming, the silent treatment, sulking, martyrdom, enabling and judging. Finding new, loving, non-judgmental ways to communicate with the addicted loved one can make a real difference in family relationships.

Once family members get out of the way, the addicted person has the chance to see him/herself as causal in his/her unfolding addiction drama. There’s no one to blame when others are no longer acting dysfunctionally.

Try living with this new healing perception. Let go of blaming yourself or taking on the responsibility of fixing your addict and at the same time learn new ways to speak with and interact with your addict that come from a place of love and wholeness.

For more information on how, read my blogs or feel free to give me a call.

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher
Family Recovery Coach
Author of the forthcoming book The Four Foundations of Family Recovery
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com