12 Step Family

Pain. No one likes it. Most of us will run a mile to get away from it. Yet, it’s an inevitable part of being related to an addict and even of the recovery process.

When you first found out your addict was using, there was pain.
When you tried again and again to make your addict stop, there was pain.
When you realized, finally, that you could do nothing about it, more pain still.

And then there is the pain of truly letting go. The painful sensations that are often felt in the body, when you work so hard to let go of old behaviors that no longer serve. Behaviors like:
1. flushing the pills down the toilet
2. chasing your loved one around the neighborhood, checking to see where they are late at night and into the early morning
3. staying up all night waiting for them to get home
4. calling repeatedly until they pick up their phone to let you know they are alive only to yell at you or call you a name for interrupting their life with your incessant worry…

These behaviors have become addictive, and yet, go they must if you are to truly recover from the family disease of co-addiction.

So what do you do about the pain? That emotional feeling of loss and hopelessness that you have to face when you know that everything you have been doing has been in vain. That physical feeling of emptiness that you have to feel as you let go of the old ways of doing things.

Do you eat over it? Have a drink to wash it away? Gamble away a day’s pay? Shop til you drop?

Or, do you decide that this time you are going to sit and feel it, feel the pain, go deep into it, ask yourself when in the past you have experienced something like this and keep exploring, deeper and deeper into the root of the feelings of loss and desparation within you that you have attributed to the addict and his or her problems?

When my husband went into treatment 24 years ago, I was left alone for 30 days to ponder the state of my life. I remember feeling a deep chasm of emptiness which I attributed to his absence. One day, during that long string of days, I was sitting, feeling my pain, when suddenly it hit me. That pain had nothing to do with him! It wasn’t a new pain. I had felt it before upon the break up with an old boyfriend and before that when a friend betrayed me and before that when a cousin hurt me. As I got my courage up, I looked further and further back at that pain and found that I was attaching feelings of loss that were as old as I was, to each new experience of loss along my life’s journey. Seen in that light, the pain lifted somewhat. It was still there, but I was able to feel it without as much content as I had given it before. In other words, I could see it as unresolved feelings that I could take ownership of rather than as something else to blame on my addict.

Willingness to feel the pain thus became liberating.

When I am willing to look my pain in the eye, I am able to detach from whatever the situation is that is triggering it, and dive into my feelings. That act alone puts me on the healing path. When I am not able or willing to do so, I find things to distract myself from the pain, only to find it coming up again in another situation “caused” by another person, place or thing.

Are you willing to feel your pain?

If not now, when?

As ever,

Coach Bev

Bev Buncher, MA, CEC
Family Recovery Coach
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
786 859 4050

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Addiction is a disease of isolation. In fact, so is family addiction.

When a loved one’s addiction becomes obvious to us, often, the natural reaction is shock, despair, and isolation. There is so much shame, guilt and sadness associated with the awareness of what they and we are now dealing with that, oftentimes, we go into a hole of our own making, not wanting to think or talk about it to anyone. We just want it to stop. We want things to go back to the way they used to be before the using began…

All of these feelings are so natural. Addiction is so not socially acceptable and so very dangerous…And you know what ‘they’ say… if we are talking about drugs, they are illegal. If we are talking about alcohol, it’s so sloppy. If we are talking about sex addiction, it is so, well, perverted and if we are talking about gambling, it is making us so BROKE!!!…..and so forth. And, what is wrong with us that we can’t stop it???

So, how can we tell anyone we know that one of our family members is so OUT OF CONTROL – that we are dealing with impulses gone wild right in our own families and that no matter what we do or have done, things just keep getting worse….

If this sounds at all familiar to you, listen up. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!

Being related to an addict is one of life’s most difficult challenges and potentially one of its greatest gifts…But in order for it to become a gift, you, the family member, need to get some support!

Most likely, this addiction is NOT something you can fix or take care of all by yourself.

That’s why so many support groups have sprung up:
Alanon, Nar-anon, Gam-anon, Families Anonymous, etc.
All of these groups are filled with people who have sat where you are now. Many of them have figured out how to cope with the situation and are living happy and productive lives whether their addicts have come along for the recovery ride or not.

You will also find that many of them, with years of recovery, have great ideas to help you figure out what is best for you to do next!

Without support, chances are you will grow in bitterness, disgust, fear, anger and ill health.

If that doesn’t sound so good to you, stop isolating now and REACH OUT for help!

If you are not a group person, or if you feel you would like to know what else is available, you can read my free e-book How Can I Get Them Sober: A Guide for Family Members and Friends of Alcoholics and Addicts. You can get a copy of this 48 page e-book by going to www.theempowermentcoach.net or sending me an email at bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net and I will send you one myself. But you may want to do so quickly as this book is getting ready to go back on the market at a price.

You can also call me for a complimentary consult. I’ll help you figure out what kind of support would be best for you. Sometimes a coach is just what you need. Other times it is not. I have lots of experience personally and professionally in this arena. So call me and let’s talk about it together. No cost. No obligation.

The point is, DO NOT ISOLATE!

With help and support, you can have a happy, joyous life regardless of the addict’s choices. And, in the meantime, have a much better chance of helping the addict as well.

I’m still

Coach Bev
786 859 4050
Family Recovery Coach
Author of the forthcoming book The Four Foundations of Recovery: Four Simple Ideas to Help You Survive and Thrive When Someone You Love Is An Addict
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.familyrecoverycoach.org

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Does your addict see you as the cause of his or her using? Do you see yourself that way? Do you figure there must be something wrong with you as a mom, spouse, child, sibling because no matter what you do you cannot get them to stop?

If this sounds like you, you are not alone!

Many family members have tremendous guilt and shame about their addict’s using, not only because active addiction is socially unacceptable, but because the family members feel it’s somehow their fault that the addict is using.

Addicts sense this feeling of guilt and shame and play into it with statements like “If you and mom hadn’t been such bad parents, I wouldn’t have ended up like this” or “if you were a better wife, I wouldn’t need to drink.”

These are perceptions that indicate disease or dis-ease in a family affected by addiction.

The antidote is a new perception. One that recognizes what the family programs call the 3 C’s:
1. you didn’t cause
2. you can’t control it
3. you can’t cure it.

These 3 C’s provide you with a completely new way of viewing your role in your loved one’s addiction.

The 4th C, “but you don’t have to contribute to it: , reminds family members that they can let go and detach from the behaviors and not be a part of the negative chatter that often characterizes family talk in family with the disease of addiction. Such talk includes blaming, yelling, screaming, the silent treatment, sulking, martyrdom, enabling and judging. Finding new, loving, non-judgmental ways to communicate with the addicted loved one can make a real difference in family relationships.

Once family members get out of the way, the addicted person has the chance to see him/herself as causal in his/her unfolding addiction drama. There’s no one to blame when others are no longer acting dysfunctionally.

Try living with this new healing perception. Let go of blaming yourself or taking on the responsibility of fixing your addict and at the same time learn new ways to speak with and interact with your addict that come from a place of love and wholeness.

For more information on how, read my blogs or feel free to give me a call.

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher
Family Recovery Coach
Author of the forthcoming book The Four Foundations of Family Recovery
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com

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Nothing changes unless something changes! For more information, click on “Read Full Story”.

How Using the Four Foundations Can Change Your Relationship with Your Addict!

I’m still

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher
Family Recovery Coach
Author of the forthcoming book The Four Foundations of Family Recovery
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
www.12stepfamily.com
www.lifepurposeinrecovery.org
786 859 4050

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Have you noticed any link in your life between how you eat and how you relate to people? One of the ways that some codependents cope with the insanity in their life is to stuff their feelings down with food.

There is a saying that Reality is for people who can’t cope with drugs. I think this holds for those who have a challenge with overeating as well. Reality is for people who can’t cope with overeating.

Using other people’s problems (their addictions, their dysfunctional behaviors, etc.) to keep us distracted from our own doesn’t work. When we face the fact that we cannot use other people’s problems to keep us distracted from our own challenges, we have to look our lives straight in the eyes and if we don’t like what we see, we have a choice, work on changing it, work on accepting it, or find something else to distract us.

Food has always been a great distractor for me. If I overeat, then I feel sick physically and begin to worry about gaining weight. If I overeat long enough I get sick and have physical worries to attend to as a result, to say nothing of having to buy a new wardrobe. With all of that attention on the physical aspect of my life, there is not much time left to focus on the realities of my life that I could change for the better if I had the energy to do so…things like my attitudes, the way I handle money, the way I relate to others. All of these could use some improvements, but if my body feels sick because I can’t stop overeating AND if I’m constantly eating, I don’t have much energy left to give to making my life the way I want it to be.

So food can provide us with another excuse for not having the life we want to have – just the way being related to an addict can – or for an addict, just the way the drug or drink can.

Since excuses don’t work, it’s time to get that mirror out and take a look beyond the body image directly to the eyes.

Coaching Questions:
What are you running from? What is running you?

Are you ready to stop yet?

Ready to say “Uncle!” ?

There is so much help out there in the form of support groups, coaching, treatment.

You don’t have to go it alone. But you do have to take the first step.

Reach out TODAY to get the help you need!

Here are some places you may want to look:
food addiction: www.overeatersanonymous.org
co-addiction: www.naranon.org
co-alcoholism: www.alanon.org
a social network for people in recovery: www.intherooms.com

and if you would like to start with a coach to help you sort it all out, call me today for a complimentary session!

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher
Family Recovery Coach
author of the forthcoming book The Four Foundations of Family Recovery
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com
786 859 4050

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Being 53 years old and having a 23 year old adult daughter, I know it is time to move forward with my life and allow her to do so also. And so, as she searches her heart for the best next steps for herself, I practice only giving advice when asked for it and work hard at not calling everyday (or, as I used to call her, several times a day).

But inside, I miss her terribly and want to know everything that is going on in her heart and in her life and to make sure that everything is all right. I still want to protect her and guide her and I still believe that if she would let me, I could completely protect her from anything bad ever happening to her.

Allowing my daughter to become the adult she is meant to become means observing that part of me that aches to be in touch all the time and be part of her life constantly and consistently, but not allowing it to take over and run the show. This is one of the lessons of being a parent of an adult child and it is so much more difficult when that child has dealt with health challenges of any kind.

This is, however, where I get to find out how good my program is or isn’t and to make course corrections to make it better. Right now, I’m finding that I’ve had to make several course corrections. As mentioned above, I’ve had to stop calling so often, have had to stop giving impassioned advice when it is not requested and have had to let go of being her coach when my services are not requested.

I’ve also had to find other things to do when I’m aching to call to make sure things are all right, have found myself praying a lot more rather than directing her behaviors, and have had to look at my daughter differently as well. Instead of seeing her as ‘my baby’, I’ve begun thinking of her as an adult with the ability to assess her life, make decisions, and move forward positively without my approval and guidance every step of the way.

These things may seem obvious to most people, but to me, they’ve been challenging. Being a mom has been my most important role for all of the years I’ve been one. And at each stage of motherhood, different skills have been required. Now I’m at the point where the biggest skill I’m being asked to exhibit is the skill of letting go, of watching her blossom into the person she is choosing to become while being there on an as needed, as requested basis.

I’ve always encouraged her to develop her interests and career passions. But when it has come to decision making, I’ve been there with advice and guidance throughout. Now, there are times I need to keep my opinions to myself and it is important, when my counsel and opinions are requested, that I find ways to share them that are neither directive nor demanding. I’m open to the task, but it isn’t always easy.

What is it like for you as a parent? Whether your adult child is using or sober or not an addict at all, how are you coping with the ups and downs and ins and outs of letting go, of no longer playing the God role in your child’s life?

I would love to hear from you as we travel this road of allowing our children to grow up together!

All the best,

Coach Bev
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC
Family Recovery Coach
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com
786 859 4050

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I have a developed a model of family recovery called the Four Foundations of Family Recovery© (and have a forthcoming book I’m writing by that name).

Its premise is that these four foundations (self-care, being a loving person, setting boundaries, and getting support) hold within them all that a parent or spouse needs to begin and fortify a healthy recovery journey for themselves, which will deeply affect not only their life but that of their addicted loved one as well.

I have worked with clients on developing these four foundations© in their lives and would be happy to do so with you if it is of interest.

You may read an introduction to them on this blog (www.12stepfamily.com) in the March 7-11 entries. These four foundations can give us a framework for working together.

Taking a look at the Four Foundations of Family Recovery© in the blog entries mentioned above and as summarized below, answer the following questions. If you wish, you can send your answers to me at bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net and we can use them as a starting point for a complimentary coaching session :

1. What questions do you have about the Four Foundations©?
2. Where are you in making them a reality in your life?
3. Where would you like to be?

Self Care – taking care of one’s self (hygiene, health, physical fitness, personal and professional responsibilities, emotions, mental health, spiritual well-being regardless of what is going on with the addict)

Being a Loving Person – (treating all of the addicts and non-addicts in one’s life with respect, understanding that all people are, at their core, whole and healthy regardless of how they are presenting in any one moment. This includes not doing for another person what he or she can do for her or himself, not name calling or yelling, listening, sharing your truth calmly and without judgment, being your best self in relations to yourself and others. Being a loving person to yourself is where it all begins and it radiates out from there. Mirroring what you see the addict doing in a non-judgmental fashion is a key part of this process (which we will explore in the coaching relationship)

Setting Boundaries – This means setting boundaries for ONE’S OWN benefit. One does not set boundaries to control or change the addict, but rather to insure that one’s own sanity and inner peace are kept where one wants them to be. Boundary setting is crucial to being in relationship with an addict and is one of the main things that breaks down (along with the other three foundations) when one is in the thick of one’s own co-addiction. Boundaries can be set around time, possessions, living arrangements, money or any other thing one wants to set boundaries around. They are most settable and keepable and effective when set in concert with one living the other three foundations rather than in isolation.

Getting Support – Perhaps this could be the first foundation rather than the fourth as without support it is very very difficult to implement the other three. Support can include whatever you use to help you live in recovery from the disease of co-addiction: Alanon, Nar-Anon, having a recovery coach, having a therapist, supportive friends and family to talk to, etc.

The message of this week is YOU DON’T HAVE TO GO IT ALONE!

There is help for you and it is as near as your phone!

I challenge you to assess where you are in setting your four foundations into place and offer you a chance to talk about where you are and where you would like to be!

For more information, give me a call and let’s talk! Or if you would like to receive more information about the four foundations through email, send me an email to let me know at bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net.

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC
Family Recovery Coach
786 859 4050
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com
www.intherooms.com

Last chance to join the nine week teleseminar on Life Purpose in Recovery starting this week!
call for more info or check out www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com

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