When things are out of control, it’s natural to want to bring balance back into life. For co-addicts, this often translates into trying to get the addict to ‘do the right thing.’ Whether the right thing of the moment is to stop drinking or drugging, to get a job, to go to meetings, the request often turns into nagging, yelling, crying, pleading or begging. And much of the time, it doesn’t work.

“Well, what do you mean,” you may ask. “Yelling is the ONLY way I get my addict to comply.” or
“Crying always works.” or “Begging always gets to him.”

But I ask you, how long do the results last? And how long does it take until you have to do it all over again?

26 years ago, soon after I went to my first Alanon meeting, an alcoholic friend of my taught me the “Alanon cheer.” Suffice it to say, it involved the co-alcoholic wagging his or her finger in judgment and disdain in the face of the alcoholic while nagging the alcoholic about something or other.

Things haven’t changed much over those years. Untreated family members still nag and untreated addicts still ignore them, except when it suits them.

Have you heard of the 3 C’s of the family recovery programs?
You didn’t Cause the addiction
You can’t Control it
and You can’t Cure it….

But then there is the fourth C: You don’t have to Contribute to it!

Nagging, harrassing, begging, pleading, controlling, yelling, screaming. These all contribute to the addict’s illness. They don’t make things better in the long run. They don’t provide balance in an unbalanced situation. they neither control nor cure the addict’s problem.

So what does?

This takes us back to the Four Foundations of Family Recovery:

1. self care
2. being a loving person
3. setting boundaries (for your own sanity and well-being
4. getting support.

In the long run, these are not guarantees that your addict will get well. But, they are guarantees for your own balance, sense of self-control and general well-being. When you act from a sense of balance, you have the presence of mind to ‘be there’ for your addict in a meaningful, rather than a desperate, way. You have the ability to think clearly and make better decisions. You know the difference between what is your business and what is the addict’s business.

So, what do you do with the urge to control your addict’s every move? Start by controlling your every move.
Get yourself to a meeting (find one at www.alanon.org or www.naranon.org or www.alanonphonemeetings.org), go to the Dr’s appts you have been skipping because you have been too busy in other people’s business, put your health and well-being first, and start treating your addict with the respect everyone of God’s children deserves – regardless of whether or not he or she is meeting your expectations of how to live life. Start to really LIVE your life yourself. Enjoy your moments, hours and days; stay in preesnt time; Breathe deeply and enjoy the company of the people around you without allowing every other word you speak to be about the addict in your life.

Of course that’s just the beginning and at the same time it’s an awful lot.

They say there are only 4 ends to an addict: jail, death, recovery or institution. The same can be said for the co-addict. Stop your obsession and begin to live a life in recovery TODAY!

If you could use some help with the “how” of all of this recovery stuff, give me a call! I’m Bev and I’m a Family Recovery Coach. I help families of addicts regain their balanced center and thereby be much more helpful to their addict.

You can reach me at 786 859 4050.

Bev Buncher, MA,CEC
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
www.lifepurposeinrecovery.com