In yesterday’s post, we talked about the four foundations of family recovery:
1. self care
2. be a loving person
3. set boundaries that work for you
4. get some support.
Today, we will look at number 1, Take care of yourself.
To review what we said yesterday: ”Take care of yourself. That’s right, yourself. Chances are you have been neglecting yourself a bit as you’ve braved the world of attempting to fix your addict. Now that you see that what you are doing isn’t working, change your focus. Take a bubble bath. Brush your teeth. Comb your hair. Take a walk. Call a friend and go to the park. Get to bed early. Enjoy a good book. Go to a movie you have been wanting to see. Go to the dentist. Get your yearly physical. Get new eyeglasses. In other words do whatever it is that you have been neglecting.”
At first glance, all of these may seem so simple, so basic. But as anyone who has been dealing with a loved one’s addiction knows, these basics can sometimes seem like luxuries when someone you love has turned their and your world upside down.
How can taking a bubble bath equal checking emails or monitering phone calls?
How can taking a walk even happen when we have to be on watch 24/7?
How can brushing your teeth even come close to being important when you are spending all of your waking moments searching for hidden bottles or pills? Well, I’m here to tell you that not only is self-care more important than all of these addict-centered activities, but, in order for you to recover and for you to have as positive an impact on your addict’s potential recovery as possible, self care is essential and all of the monitering and sneaking around activities need to be severely reduced and even eliminated.
Sounds counter-intuitive doesn’t it? That we can have a greater impact on an addict by minding OUR lives, doing what is best for ourselves, and leaving them to their own devices…But it is true.
There is a time and a place for everything though. It’s not that we ignore them completely. It’s that we keep the focus on ourselves (as they say in Naranon and Alanon) in order to become more sane and able to think clearly. Once we are doing so, there will be plenty of time to come up with healthy boundaries (foundation #3). But for now, relax and take your focus off of the addict’s dealings and take a good look at yourself.:
Are you unkempt? not sleeping soundly? worried sick (literally) and therefore neglecting your basic health and appearance? Are you not paying the bills? not eating healthfully? underearning because you spend your working hours taking care of the addict instead of earning the money you need to support yourself?
Take a good look at yourself. You as a co-addict are as sick or sicker than your loved one. It’s time to be honest with yourself. Stop keeping yourself glued to their comings and goings and start paying some attention to your own! You are worth it!
Anyway, the more you hover, the less they will take responsibility for themselves. The more you serve as an example of sane and balanced living, the more they will want what you have. And it all starts with self-care. So my friend, turn off this computer and go take a bubble bath, eat a good meal or put on a clean set of clothes. And relax, there’s more good information to come to help you find your way through the maze of family recovery.
And by the way, if you have young children, take a good look at them. Are they being neglected because mom or dad is so busy trying to get dad or mom to stop drinking and drugging? They are the ones who REALLY need you. Be an example of good self care for your children and while you are at it, help them get their jammies on and get into bed early…they need their sleep and they need to be well kempt and well fed.. now there is a good use of your energy.
Of course, many households with addicts do take care of all the basics, so if this is not you, please don’t be insulted! Perhaps you’ve mastered the basics of self-care as it appears to the outside world and all you need to do is take that bubble bath or walk. Go for it! And I’ll look forward to talking to you soon about our second foundation of family recovery: Be a loving person.
So, stay tuned and see you soon! Until then, send your questions and comments to me by clicking on Contact Us in the box above.
All the best,
Coach Bev
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC
Family Recovery Coach
this was such a great reading I love caring about myself for a change lol
Thanks for the comment Kat. Keep reading and growing in your recovery.
love,
Coach Bev