So, at this point, you may be considering the possibility that your loved one is not trying to hurt you by continuing their use, but that they really JUST CAN’T STOP!
In our self-sufficient society, such an admission is difficult to make. Thus, many people who keep eating ‘just one more’ piece of candy say they could stop if they wanted to and many gamblers say they would stay away from the track or the casino IF they wanted to and many alcoholics and drug addicts say they could stop IF they wanted to – BUT they don’t (want to that is).
So, where does that leave you, their loved one, watching them kill themselves while they go through the family finances with a bulldozer and disappear for days at a time without a clue only to reappear as if there was nothing unusual about their disappearance?
Well, chances are, if you haven’t alighted upon a recovery program for yourself, you are feeling pretty beat up, both literally and figuratively. So, what DO you do when your loved one CANNOT stop drinking or drugging?
Here are a few tips. Choose the ones that work for you and leave the rest for another day. If you find yourself needing help with implementation, give me a call or drop me a line on In The Rooms at Coach Bev and we can set up a complimentary coaching session…
1. Take care of yourself. That’s right, yourself. Chances are you have been neglecting yourself a bit as you’ve braved the world of attempting to fix your addict. Now that you see that what you are doing isn’t working, change your focus. Take a bubble bath. Brush your teeth. Comb your hair. Take a walk. Call a friend and go to the park. Get to bed early. Enjoy a good book. Go to a movie you have been wanting to see. Go to the dentist. Get your yearly physical. Get new eyeglasses. In other words do whatever it is that you have been neglecting.
2. Be a loving person – If your addict is an adult, this is the ONLY obligation you have to them: to be a loving person. So, what does this mean? It DOES NOT mean to do for them what they can do for themselves. It DOES mean to be pleasant, treat them with respect, get out of their business and stop snooping around, nagging, yelling, and making them feel like a sub-human.
3. Set some boundaries that work for you. After you have done a little bit of self-care, start to look at how you have allowed their insanity to infringe on your life. Ask yourself: Have I been doing their dirty work (such as calling in for them when they are too hung over to go to work? picking up their addictive drugs for them at the pharmacy? buying their alcohol for them? lying to other family members when they don’t show up at family events? taking on an extra job when they just can’t? If the answer is yes, maybe it’s time to learn a new word: NO! In Naranon, we like to say “No is a complete sentence.” There is no reason to explain yourself.
4. Get yourself some support. This one is crucial. There are excellent 12 step support groups for family members: Alanon for the family members of alcoholics. Naranon for the family members of drug addicts. In today’s world, many addicts are cross-addicted and thus many members of both of these fellowships have family members who both drink and drug. If you are not a group person, get a recovery coach. Someone who understands the plight of a family member from the inside out and can help you think through your situation and come to conclusions that will work for you. A trained recovery coach knows how to ask questions that will help you find your answers and will help you stay accountable to the decisions you make and the goals you set.

Of course this list is just a beginning. Number four will help you keep up with numbers 1, 2 and 3. So, if you’re not sure where to start, get the support. You can find meeting locations (as well as online meetings and phone meetings) online at www.alanon.org and www.nar-aranon.org. As for finding a recovery coach, you can send me an email for a complimentary consult. If we are not the right fit for each other, I’ll help you find someone who is!

These topics of self care, being a loving person, setting boundaries, and getting support could each be blog posts within themselves. Read future blog posts for more on how to make them a part of your life! Together, they form the foundation of family recovery, which truly is the addict’s best chance of recovering! But more on that later.

Until then,

See you In The Rooms!
All the best,

Coach Bev
bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
www.12stepfamily.com
www.intherooms.com