12 Step Family

When I think about the challenges we face in terms of how many years it took to create them and how many years it could take to correct their results, I feel overwhelmed. But when I look at today, and all that I am doing to make my world work better right in this moment, and when I then turn my attention to the beautfiful sky, the grass beneath my feet and and the smiling children I see as I walk down the street, I feel much better.

I always have a choice: take life as a whole and feel dwarfed by it or take life in small chunks and feel just right in it. I cannot fix everyone or everything, and to be honest, I cannot fix anyone outside of myself. But I can fix myself, bit by bit and I can make an impact on those around me by becoming a person they want to emulate and by no longer trying to coerce them into being the way I want them to be.

This job, of fixing myself, one day at a time; of letting others be themselves, one day at a time; is something I am capable of and which will bear positive fruits if I am diligent in its pursuit. Of course, it’s more appealing to look at others’ lives, searching for what is wrong and pointing it out. It allows me to keep the focus out there rather than in here, on my own life, where it belongs. And when I’ve got my lens backwards like that (like in the acceptance story in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous), I’m not as happy as I could be in this moment because I’ve got my focus on things I cannot ever change rather than on things I am capable of making better.

Staying in this day is like that too. When I keep my focus on this day, I can enjoy it. When my mind is preoccupied and focused on the days behind or the days ahead, I’m not present to exactly what is going on in my life right now and so I’m missing the moments of my life as they are occuring. Plus, I’m unhappy, because my mind is either caught in regret or longing for the past or worried and anxious about a future that has not yet come.

So my job is simple, though not easy: to stay in this moment with the focus on myself. Here’s an exercise I use when I become aware that I am forgetting to stay here and now. Feel free to try it and let me know how it works for you:

Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, take a deep breath. Look at your thoughts without getting caught up in them and see where they are taking you.Let them go as you slowly breathe out and bring your focus back to yourself. Watch what you are doing in this moment. Are you peeling a carrot? Driving a car? Walking down the street?

Describe your actions to yourself in your mind. In other words, allow yourself to say to yourself, “I am now peeling a carrot (or driving a car or whatever). My right hand is holding the peeler and my left hand is holding the carrot. I am bringing the peeler to the top of the carrot and moving the blade down the side of the carrot and watching it peel off the top layer.”

Focusing in this way gives the mind a very present moment focus. Then take a look at the carrot as if you have never seen one before. Use what Zen calls “beginners mind” to view that carrot. See your hand and fingers as if for the first time, allowing your eyes to alight on each finger, each knuckle, each pore.

This very simple exercise takes our awareness right into the present moment. Anytime we do it, we are giving ourselves a break from the rash of anxious and terrorizing thoughts that for many have become daily fare. Since the mind can only focus on one thing at a time, doing this frees the mind from the constant pull of the past and future and helps us stay focused in the moment.

In his book, The Presence Process, author Michael Brown calls this Present Moment Awareness. Whenever you look around you and allow your focus to be on this moment, you free yourself just a little bit more from that past-future pull, from obsessing, from an unhappiness that may have become your daily fare.

It is possible to become free of that haunting sadness that often becomes the co-addict’s habit. Just by living each moment, one activity at a time, one thought at a time, we can begin to become whole again, focused in the moment and enjoying the gifts of peace and serenity that each moment has the potential to bring us.

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Life with an active drinker or user has been referred to as a merry-go-round, a roller coaster, a speeding car. All of these activities can be fun for awhile, but imagine if they were to continue over and over and over again, either day in and day out or every other day? If you are living or working with an active addict, or someone who is not using but is still not well, then you hardly have to use your imagination to make the connection or to envision the outcome to such a scenario.

One day life is fun and filled with excitement. The next day the world is spinning out of control. Then things get back into swing and everything seems okay, until suddenly there are overdue bills, people unable to go to work because of hangovers, fights the night before, or cops at the door. These are the extremes and many addicts and their families are spared the extremes. But many are not, and for them, this article is written.

So here is a scenario: Your addict is deep into her addiction. She is playing her games of lying, using, stealing, cheating. You are watching all of this and it pains you to see it. It is keeping you up nights with worry. It is resulting in arguments. You’re feeling scared of what her next moves will be, sleeping with your money hidden, your jewelry and other valuables locked up, and quite frankly, you just can’t take it anymore.

So, you have told your addict you are leaving.

She hits you with guilt: How can you do this to me? I am always here for you. When we made our vows it was forever and now, just because I’ve been having some problems you are deserting me. How could this be? You just aren’t committed to our relationship the way I am.

Or, maybe your addict is your daughter and you have just told her she has to leave your house until she gets her act together. So, she says, How can you do this to me? I’m your flesh and blood. I’m just having some rough patches. This is unbelievable. There is no family loyalty anymore, I should have known I couldn’t count on you, etc., etc., etc….

So, whadda ya do?

I’m assuming that, since you are a reader of this blog, you have already put your four foundations of recovery into place: self-care, being a loving person, setting boundaries, and getting support. (If not, read the entries of early March 2010 to find out how to do so). So, you have been taking care of yourself, treating your addict with respect, setting boundaries that feel right to you, and going to your alanon and/or naranon meetings faithfully. You may even have a recovery coach (if you need one by the way, give me a call. I’ll either be your coach or help you find the right one for you).

So, you have done all of these things and things are not getting better and you have reached your limit, and the addict in your life is still acting out horrifically to the point where your next act of self care is separation, and you KNOW from the inside out that it is the right thing to do.

Yet, the addict’s words gnaw away at you, make you lose your confidence. Make you feel like you just don’t know what end is up anymore. In fact, you are thinking that maybe the addict is right. You are not commited enough. You don’t care as much as they do. You are not loyal.

Well, my friends, the game is on. The opponents are at war within you: It’s guilt against inner guidance and right now, guilt is having its say.

So, what do you do when this happens?

Here’s where you sponsor comes in. Here’s where your recovery coach is very valuable. Here’s where your meetings are crucial.

The fact is, there will always be someone somewhere telling you that what you believe, from your deepest inner wisdom, is wrong and makes you a bad person. So, the question is, who will win?

Or maybe there is a deeper question is, how do you make peace between and among the warring factions within yourself?

But that question we will leave for another day. Join me for the next blog entry to learn more!

If you feel you might benefit from a coaching relationship, fill out the contact form with your name, email and phone number and ask for a complimentary consult. We’ll get together to see if you are a candidate for recovery coaching and then, if so, we will see if you and I are a good fit. If we are, our work can begin at that point. If not, I’ll help you find someone who will be a good fit with you!

Until then,

All the best,

Bev Buncher, MA, CEC
Family Recovery Coach
www.theempowermentcoach.net

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To learn more go to: http://www.familyrecoverycoach.org/2010/03/living-life-one-breath-at-time.html

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One of the saddest results of addiction running through a family is how the family can be torn apart. In one family, everyone in the family drinks and one member somehow escapes the scourge of addiction. In another, only one is addicted and the rest of the family is able to drink moderately or not at all. These stories do not have to have sad endings, but often they do. In the case of the family member watching their siblings self-destruct, sometimes disconnecting from the family is seen as the only way to survive and protect oneself, one’s children and one’s spouse from the influence and danger that addiction can bring. In the family where one sibling is the ‘black sheep’, the others may simply push him or her out of the family to avoid the embarrassment and shame that their presence brings.

But often, the family stays in communication, suffering through the dysfunction and pain that addiction brings to the addict and all whose lives their addiction touches.

One of the most powerful antidotes available to ease the pain and suffering that being related to an addict can bring is available for free in a town or city near you, on the phone, or on the Internet. It comes in the form of the Alanon (www.alanon.org) and Naranon (www.nar-anon.org) support groups, as well as on Internet places like the recovery social network site In The Rooms (www.intherooms.com) .

At these meetings and on In The Rooms, family members can find other people, who, like them are related to people whose lives are out of control due to alcohol or drug intake. To the outside world, their relatives may look dysfunctional, obnoxious, or even criminal. But to the family members inside the meetings, each one of the addicted loved ones is someone cared about, worried about and loved deeply.

You are not seen as less worthy than others because your relative drinks too much or is in jail on  drug-related charge. Instead, you are seen as someone deserving of a good life of your own, despite the drinking and drugging of your loved one. And the work you will be given the opportunitiy to do with your newfound friends in the support programs will help you achieve that goal if it is something you want. Most importantly, you will find that you are not alone and that there is help for you!

But what about your addict? How do you help them? There may or may not be anything you can do directly for a using addict. Alanon or Naranon will be a place to gather strength and resources from others. And you may want to consult with a recovery coach for more information on your options and support in this area. But, by changing your own behavior in relation to yourself and your addict, you will change and your new behaviors will have an impact on your addict. You are actually their best hope of getting clean and sober…What they do with that chance, however, is usually up to them. More on this in future blogs.

Until then, send me a note with your questions on family recovery and I’ll feature your issue in a future blog (anonymously of course)!

All the best,

Coach Bev
Beverly Buncher, MA, CEC
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.12stepfamily.com
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
www.intherooms.com

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One of my heroes in the recovery world is Dr. Abe Twerski (see his newest books on recovery at http://www.abrahamtwerski.com/index.php/books). The first time I heard him speak at a recovery workshop in my hometown of Pittsburgh, PA, he shared this gem: “How can you tell when an addict is lying? When his lips move.”

So, you might ask, is this always the case? Should we really assume that our loved one is lying most or all of the time?

Well, that depends. Is he or she working a recovery program? Are they getting help and support and palpably growing in integrity everyday? Is there evidence of this in any/every aspect of their life?

If you are not seeing any changes either in behavior or speaking patterns, chances are there aren’t any. Hate to say it, but if nothing is changing, nothing is changing. In other words, if they are either continuing to use or simply white knuckling it without any form of support or apparent inner change, you are probably continuing to hear lots of lies large and small.

So, what if…

What if. for example, your addict, who was arrested last week, calls you and tells you the police didn’t go through all that they needed to go through to create a legal arrest? Is it your job to kick into high gear when your using addict tells you they were arrested unjustly? Is it your job to save them, get them out, help them get free?

Your choice.

But just think this through for a moment. Why believe all of the claims of injustice  in the first place when you know an addict is lying when his lips move?

Plus, just know that when we help a using addict to use in any way shape or form, we are helping to kill them. On the other hand, when we let them experience the consequences of their using behavior, we are allowing them to face themselves and, hopefully, on that basis, move forward.

So, how is helping them fight injustice helping them to use?

If they are using and at the same time can show that they were arrested unjustly, perhaps showing this to be true would help them convince a judge to put them into treatment instead of into  jail.

But how would fighting for them to just get free to use again be a good thing?

These questions are for you to ponder…

When it comes to helping our addicts, the Naranon pamplet on Helping comes to mind (see the March entry on being a loving person to learn more about how we can really help an addict.

One of the most difficult things is to stand by and watch someone we love accept the consequences of their behavior. But ironically, this disease often requires an experience of consequences in order for an addict to decide on a new way of life.

If you are having a hard time not taking over and trying to fix everything in your addict’s life, especially based on what they tell you about their life, take a look at yourself and ask: What would it take for me to make MY life better? Often, when we ask ourselves this question, there is a long list of things we can do, none of which involves interfering in another person’s addiction or their recovery.

That’s all for now.

Enjoy the evening, remember to breathe deeply, and keep the focus on your own life!

All the best!

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher, MA, CEC

Family Recovery Coach

www.theempowermentcoach.net

www.12stepfamily.com

www.familyrecoverycoach.org

www.theintherooms.com

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When you love someone who is an addict, the road can be long and rough and lonely. Often, your home difficulties seep into your worklife, but you don’t feel comfortable telling people why you seem so haggard and preoccupied. Your friends see that you are not yourself, but your friends are his (or her) friends too, and you don’t want anyone to judge your loved one badly. You know your family will want you out of the situation and so, you don’t tell them either. So instead you isolate, trying to figure out what to do all by yourself. The problem is, this is one of those challenges that begs for support – that gets worse and worse when not dealt with properly and that takes tremendous inner reserves and may require considerable outside help to improve.

First of all, here is what is available for free:

Alanon and Naranon are both free and have meetings all over the country!

Alanon, (www.alanon.org) the original 12 step family group, was created to support the family members of alcoholics. You can find Alanon meetings on the web, on the phones, in person and can find lots of Alanon support In The Rooms. (For phone meetings, go to www.alanonphonemeetings.org )

Naranon, (www.nar-anon.org ) developed for the family members of drug addicts, is newer, but offers the families of addicts a place where they can talk about what to do when your loved one is not only addicted but is breaking the law in order to get their drug.

For the families of sex addicts, there is s-anon. S-anon (www.s-anon.org ) offers a place for family members of sex addicts to speak freely about the painful experience of loving someone with whose addiction involves betrayal on a very intimate level.

Gamanon (www.gam-anon.org ) is for the families of gamblers whose addiction can wipe out the family treasury in an instant.

All of these support groups will teach you life skills for coping, surviving, and even thriving, whether your addict is still using or not.

If you feel you want and/or need additional support, there are other types of help.

You can call a treatment center and, if your addict agrees, go in for an assessment. But if they aren’t initially willing to, here are some other options:

You can find a therapist who specializes in addiction. These folks can be found in private therapy practices, at treatment centers, and community mental health clinics. Their approaches vary and can be very effective in helping you, the co-addict, sort out your own inner turmoil and pain both from your current relationship and throughout your lifetime.

Interventionists can also be helpful in getting your family to cooperate to confront your addict. These folks will work with you to set up a family meeting designed to make the addict look at the effects of their addiction on the people who love and work with them and agree to get help.

A Family Recovery Coach will help you sort out your situation and move forward toward your own goals, a Family Recovery Coach is a life coach who is specially trained to work with people whose lives are affected by addiction. This work is client centered and goal focused. It assumes that you have the answers within yourself and strives to help you find those answers for yourself. The coach is there to ask you questions that will help you think deeply in order to design your future either with or without the addict in your life and whether the addict chooses recovery or not.

In the next month, I will be working with therapist Heather Malkoff to provide a family therapy/coaching group in Aventura, Florida. If you are interested in learning more, fill out the Contact Us form above and we will get back to you. I’ll also be offering a teleseminar for families all over the country called Family Recovery 101.  For more information, send me a note through the Contact Us link above and I will get back to you as soon as possible.

Regardless of the route you take, getting support can actually mean the difference between life and death for your and your addict. Find out why in tomorrow’s blog!

Meanwhile, if you are curious about recovery coaching, fill out the Contact Us form above for a complimentary coaching session.

All the best!

Beverly A. Buncher, MA CEC

Family Recovery Coach

www.theempowermentcoach.net

www.12stepfamily.com

www.familyrecoverycoach.org

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Now that we have discussed self care and being a loving person, it’s time to get to something that’s even a bit more challenging for some of us: setting boundaries with the addict. This is actually different than getting to the end of your rope and throwing the bum out. Though it may include telling your loved one to leave, boundary setting in recovery is about figuring out what you can and can’t live with and letting the addict know your limits, hopefully before you get to the point of total desparation and hatred….

To figure out what boundaries you might set, think of your life with the addict.

Are they actively using drugs or alcohol or, if you are not sure, are you suspicious that they might be?

If your answer is yes, how is their using affecting their life AND YOURS? Are things at all out of control? Do they have a job? Are they taking care of all of their responsibilities or are you?

Are you supporting them in any way? Giving them any money? Paying their rent? Making their car or car insurance payments? Are they living in your house? Are you feeding them? Buying their clothing? Taking them and their friends/family out to dinner? Giving them spending money?

In other words, are you taking care of responsibilities they should be taking care of, thus freeing up any little bit of free money they may have for their drugs or alcohol?

If so, you may want to look at that for a couple of reasons.

One, your help, which could be called enabling (see a future blog entry for more on that), may be helping to kill them.

Two, by taking care of responsibilities they are capable of taking care of on their own, you are stripping them of the satisfaction of being fully adult members of society. And while it is certainly your right to do so, is that really the contribution you want to make to their life or to society as a whole?

Being in relationship with a using person means having to make some tough decisions.

Are you being woken up in the middle of the night by someone coming in late after partying and making lots of noise? Are you having a hard time falling asleep because they don’t come in until very late and this makes it hard to have a good night’s sleep to prepare you for the next day? Do you find your food gone in the morning after someone who had a huge case of the munchies ate it all up overnight? Are you working while your addict is hanging out at the house all day and yet you are the one keeping the place clean, doing all of the cooking and cleaning? Is money disappearing? Are you missing jewelry? pictures or other precious belongings?

Setting boundaries means setting ground rules others around you need to follow if they want to be in relationship with you. Boundaries are designed to make your life better, safer, more enjoyable. They put you less at the mercy of other people’s moods or whims. When you set boundaries that work for you, you can breathe easier, life gets simpler and those around you begin to have to take care of their own responsibilities more.

So as you can see, boundary setting is good for you AND for the addict, though they may not think so and doing so may be the hardest thing you have ever done…

That’s why you’ll want to read about the fourth foundation of family recovery: getting support! Come back tomorrow and let’s talk about that one together. In the meantime, send me your comments or questions or give me a hollar through the Contact Us button above.

Looking forward to seeing you In The Rooms!

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC

Family Recovery Coach

www.theempowermentcoach.net

www.12stepfamily.com

www.intherooms.com

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Over the past few days, we’ve been talking about the four foundations of family recovery:

1. Self Care

2. Being a Loving Person

3. Setting Boundaries

4. Getting Support

Yesterday we talked all about self care, and I’m hopeful that in the past 24 hours you’ve taken a bubble bath or done something else that has nurtured your body and soul.

Today’s topic of being a loving person is other centered, but in a very different way than most co-addicts are used to.

For many who love addicts and alcoholics, being a loving person has meant caretaking, enabling, hovering, bossing around, dominating, or allowing one’s self to be dominated. And it’s all been done, in the name of love, though often the supposedly loving actions are done with a tremendous amount of resentment and distaste. After all, who wouldn’t get sick and tired of taking care of things that grown adults should be able to take care of themselves? Who wouldn’t resent all of the disappointments and let downs that go with the territory of being in relationship with a using addict or alcoholic?

But, actually, being a loving person, as a co-addict or co-alcoholic in recovery, has very little if anything to do with caretaking. In fact, it is more about a state of being than it is about a state of doing. As the Naranon Little Blue Book states,

” Your role as helper is not to DO Things for the person you are helping, but to BE things, not to try to train and change his/her actions, but to train and change your reactions. As you change your negatives to positives — fear to faith; contempt for what he does to respect for the potential within him/her; rejection to release with love, not trying to make him/her fit a standard or image, or expecting him to measure up to or down from that standard, but giving him an opportunity to become himself/herself, to develop the best within him/her, regardless of what that best may be; dominance to encouragement, panic to serenity; false-hope, self-centered, to real hope, God-centered; the rebellion of despair to the energy of personal revolution; driving to guidance; and self-justification to self-understanding — as you change in such ways as these, you change the world about you and all the people in your world for the better. ” (from the Nar-anon Blue Book)

These words describe what it means to be a loving person. A person in recovery from co-addiction knows that their only obligation to any adult (using or not) is to be a loving person. This means to treat the addict with respect, understanding and hope. What this looks like in a family affected by addiction is that the people in recovery in the family stop yelling at and berating the addict, stop blaming all of their problems on the fact that he/she is using, stop glaring and fearing the addict and start praying for his/her well-being, treating him like a person with feelings and failures and successes, just like everyone else.

This can be hard to do when the addict’s behavior sometimes gets so destructive. So how does it work? First of all, it is almost impossible to do alone! That’s why so many 12 step groups for families have sprung up all around the world. Alanon (www.alanon.org) and Naranon (www.nar-anon.org)  can be found almost everywhere in the world now. Check your phone book, your Internet, your local church. Chances are, you will be able to find a meeting. Alanon has phone meetings now around the clock. You can find these at www.alanonphonemeetings.org . Naranon has an online forum, where members from around the world share their experience, strength, and hope with others affected by the family disease of addiction. And of course, there are the Naranon and Alanon family groups on www.intherooms.com .There is really no excuse not to get help. But we will talk more about this when we get to the fourth foundation of family recovery: Get support.

In the meantime, to be a loving person, think of the way you would like to be treated: with dignity and respect. Don’t do for the addict what he or she can or should be able to do for themselves. That’s enabling, not being loving. Being loving is respecting their inner ability to grow and seeing all the good about them that has nothing to do with their using. See them as they truly are: Spiritual beings in physical bodies growing and learning in the schoolyard of Planet Earth.

When we are willing to look beyond behaviors and see the spirit underneath, we can let go of resentments and expectatons and live in the moment with our loved ones. Instead of wishing they were different than they are, we can enjoy the gifts they bring to each moment…their sense of humor, their beautiful smile, the way they bring a different perspective to a conversation. There is much more to your loved one than their addiction. Being a loving person means taking a three dimensional view of those in our families who are addicted and enjoying the positive aspects they bring into our lives. They are still the same people we once loved. By letting go of any bad memories or  future worries that have been clouding our glasses, we can enjoy, appreciate, and love them for who they are  in the moment today.

If you have any questions or comments, or would like to schedule a complimentary family recovery coachg session, go to the link Contact Us and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible!

All the best!

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher, MA, CEC

Family Recovery Coach

www.theempowermentcoach.net

www.12stepfamily.com

www.familyrecoverycoach.org

www.theintherooms.com

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In yesterday’s post, we talked about the four foundations of family recovery:

1. self care

2. be a loving person

3. set boundaries that work for you

4. get some support.

Today, we will look at number 1, Take care of yourself.

To review what we said yesterday:  ”Take care of yourself. That’s right, yourself. Chances are you have been neglecting yourself a bit as you’ve braved the world of attempting to fix your addict. Now that you see that what you are doing isn’t working, change your focus. Take a bubble bath. Brush your teeth. Comb your hair. Take a walk. Call a friend and go to the park. Get to bed early. Enjoy a good book. Go to a movie you have been wanting to see. Go to the dentist. Get your yearly physical. Get new eyeglasses. In other words do whatever it is that you have been neglecting.”

At first glance, all of these may seem so simple, so basic. But as anyone who has been dealing with a loved one’s addiction knows, these basics can sometimes seem like luxuries when someone you love has turned their and your world upside down.

How can taking a bubble bath equal checking emails or monitering phone calls?

How can taking a walk even happen when we have to be on watch 24/7?

How can brushing your teeth even come close to being important when you are spending all of your waking moments searching for hidden bottles or pills? Well, I’m here to tell you that not only is self-care more important than all of these addict-centered activities, but, in order for you to recover and for you to have as positive an impact on your addict’s potential recovery as possible, self care is essential and all of the monitering and sneaking around activities need to be severely reduced and even eliminated.

Sounds counter-intuitive doesn’t it? That we can have a greater impact on an addict by minding OUR lives, doing what is best for ourselves, and leaving them to their own devices…But it is true.

There is a time and a place for everything though. It’s not that we ignore them completely. It’s that we keep the focus on ourselves (as they say in Naranon and Alanon) in order to become more sane and able to think clearly. Once we are doing so, there will be plenty of time to come up with healthy boundaries (foundation #3). But for now, relax and take your focus off of the addict’s dealings and take a good look at yourself.:

Are you unkempt? not sleeping soundly? worried sick (literally) and therefore neglecting your basic health and appearance? Are you not paying the bills? not eating healthfully? underearning because you spend your working hours taking care of the addict instead of earning the money you need to support yourself?

Take a good look at yourself. You as a co-addict are as sick or sicker than your loved one. It’s time to be honest with yourself. Stop keeping yourself glued to their comings and goings and start paying some attention to your own! You are worth it!

Anyway, the more you hover, the less they will take responsibility for themselves. The more you serve as an example of sane and balanced living, the more they will want what you have. And it all starts with self-care. So my friend, turn off this computer and go take a bubble bath, eat a good meal or put on a clean set of clothes. And relax, there’s more good information to come to help you find your way through the maze of family recovery.

And by the way, if you have young children, take a good look at them. Are they being neglected because mom or dad is so busy trying to get dad or mom to stop drinking and drugging? They are the ones who REALLY need you. Be an example of good self care for your children and while you are at it, help them get their jammies on and get into bed early…they need their sleep and they need to be well kempt and well fed.. now there is a good use of your energy.

Of course, many households with addicts do take care of all the basics, so if this is not you, please don’t be insulted! Perhaps you’ve mastered the basics of self-care as it appears to the outside world and all you need to do is take that bubble bath or walk. Go for it! And I’ll look forward to talking to you soon about our second foundation of family recovery: Be a loving person.

So, stay tuned and see you soon! Until then, send your questions and comments to me by clicking on Contact Us in the box above.

All the best,

Coach Bev

Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC

Family Recovery Coach

www.theempowermentcoach.net

http://12stepfamily.com

www.familyrecoverycoach.org

www.intherooms.com

bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net

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So, at this point, you may be considering the possibility that your loved one is not trying to hurt you by continuing their use, but that they really JUST CAN’T STOP!
In our self-sufficient society, such an admission is difficult to make. Thus, many people who keep eating ‘just one more’ piece of candy say they could stop if they wanted to and many gamblers say they would stay away from the track or the casino IF they wanted to and many alcoholics and drug addicts say they could stop IF they wanted to – BUT they don’t (want to that is).
So, where does that leave you, their loved one, watching them kill themselves while they go through the family finances with a bulldozer and disappear for days at a time without a clue only to reappear as if there was nothing unusual about their disappearance?
Well, chances are, if you haven’t alighted upon a recovery program for yourself, you are feeling pretty beat up, both literally and figuratively. So, what DO you do when your loved one CANNOT stop drinking or drugging?
Here are a few tips. Choose the ones that work for you and leave the rest for another day. If you find yourself needing help with implementation, give me a call or drop me a line on In The Rooms at Coach Bev and we can set up a complimentary coaching session…
1. Take care of yourself. That’s right, yourself. Chances are you have been neglecting yourself a bit as you’ve braved the world of attempting to fix your addict. Now that you see that what you are doing isn’t working, change your focus. Take a bubble bath. Brush your teeth. Comb your hair. Take a walk. Call a friend and go to the park. Get to bed early. Enjoy a good book. Go to a movie you have been wanting to see. Go to the dentist. Get your yearly physical. Get new eyeglasses. In other words do whatever it is that you have been neglecting.
2. Be a loving person – If your addict is an adult, this is the ONLY obligation you have to them: to be a loving person. So, what does this mean? It DOES NOT mean to do for them what they can do for themselves. It DOES mean to be pleasant, treat them with respect, get out of their business and stop snooping around, nagging, yelling, and making them feel like a sub-human.
3. Set some boundaries that work for you. After you have done a little bit of self-care, start to look at how you have allowed their insanity to infringe on your life. Ask yourself: Have I been doing their dirty work (such as calling in for them when they are too hung over to go to work? picking up their addictive drugs for them at the pharmacy? buying their alcohol for them? lying to other family members when they don’t show up at family events? taking on an extra job when they just can’t? If the answer is yes, maybe it’s time to learn a new word: NO! In Naranon, we like to say “No is a complete sentence.” There is no reason to explain yourself.
4. Get yourself some support. This one is crucial. There are excellent 12 step support groups for family members: Alanon for the family members of alcoholics. Naranon for the family members of drug addicts. In today’s world, many addicts are cross-addicted and thus many members of both of these fellowships have family members who both drink and drug. If you are not a group person, get a recovery coach. Someone who understands the plight of a family member from the inside out and can help you think through your situation and come to conclusions that will work for you. A trained recovery coach knows how to ask questions that will help you find your answers and will help you stay accountable to the decisions you make and the goals you set.

Of course this list is just a beginning. Number four will help you keep up with numbers 1, 2 and 3. So, if you’re not sure where to start, get the support. You can find meeting locations (as well as online meetings and phone meetings) online at www.alanon.org and www.nar-aranon.org. As for finding a recovery coach, you can send me an email for a complimentary consult. If we are not the right fit for each other, I’ll help you find someone who is!

These topics of self care, being a loving person, setting boundaries, and getting support could each be blog posts within themselves. Read future blog posts for more on how to make them a part of your life! Together, they form the foundation of family recovery, which truly is the addict’s best chance of recovering! But more on that later.

Until then,

See you In The Rooms!
All the best,

Coach Bev
bbuncher@theempowermentcoach.net
www.theempowermentcoach.net
www.familyrecoverycoach.org
www.12stepfamily.com
www.intherooms.com

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